For the first time I feel like I have everything in my life exactly where I'd like it to be.
I haven't been writing online consistently for almost a year, in this time, over the past year I've graduated from school and have been employed in the massage field. I've been with my girlfriend of 9 months who I have introduced to my personal spirituality in self forgiveness/desteni and she has been very willing and interested to participate and engage with the material with me, and we've gone to lots of cool places and trips together.
I got techno tutor to expand my relationship and processing and living of words, in seeing and learning how words can be integrated as a part of who I am in real time.
Still living with my mom, and now girlfriend living with us as well I have saved up a lot of money I've been able to support the Desteni farm with/earth guardian foundation.
Massage has helped me get into better shape and has been very rewarding and enjoyable work.
I have worked and applied myself everyday to get to this position where I am now in my life, and no matter what happens I know what I will do, and trust my stand to keep going no matter what happens good or bad.
I've grown so much and evolved so much in my own perceptions over the years hand in hand with self forgiveness changing the very perception I have of myself and others the way I understand myself and the world and how I interact with it.
Stepping away to focus on everything happening in my own life has been cool and sometimes necessary to reassess things. I've seen how much learning and being involved with other people can make a big difference for myself, how the support of others can quantify my process and how it's been selfish and arrogant to have made myself struggle and refuse the open offering of support from so many other people over the years.
I've come to terms with where I have faltered or created conflict or consequences in my life, in writing my self forgiveness and continuing to press forward, I find myself in a position where I'm so happy and surprised by the way things are I wouldn't imagine wanting to go back and change anything if it all meant that I would be lead to where I am now.
I have learnt more humility, to be humble enough to accept I have hardly begun, I've got my entire life ahead of me to keep pushing myself and my application and journey in life.
With breathe being a big part of my application, my breathe as a reference right now in this moment validates everything I'm saying, in every breathe in and out, focused, intentional, with purpose, I feel everything I'm saying resonating and I feel pleased in a way I never have before with my life and with myself.
I have formed the structure in my writing online that I'll often get right into the self forgiveness like everything else be damned, but in time I've realized how self forgiveness by itself is nothing without the story besides it, how you apply it, how you follow through, how you change, how you keep track of if you're standing as your words, it's not just the self forgiveness it's the commitment to change and it's who you are in the very words.
I've found out where I've been misconceived about what it means to stop my mind, and through being more and more introduced to words and living words and through the portal learning all of the things happening behind the scenes I've realized more so what it means to shift from consciences to awareness, learning and seeing every day in real time, breathe by breathe how one can embody and express a moment, to be present to look, breathe, move, touch, be calm, be relaxed, be focused, to flow to express, to explore... I think there is so much happening in a single moment, in a single breathe in any situation that the mind couldn't even begin to comprehend.
I am excited to find a whole new way of understanding process, and having such a firm confident grip on what I'm doing.
I have been able to come to terms with some of my ego in relationship to comparison and competition where in the past I've ran away for at some points over a couple of years, wanting to be in my own special bubble, not wanting to face how far I have to go when I compare myself to others, feeling belittled and in such belittling and diminishing myself... And yet, now, I can see I don't know who anyone else is hardly, where they came from, who they were in this life, or a past life, what other forces were at play, ones genetics, ones being, ones choices, ones mind, ones environment, there's so much spinning around that has lead to who I am, and so who anyone else is too, that it's not even worth the time, who did the most, who is most disciplined is a good reference for myself, to motivate myself, not to compare or judge to become inferior frozen in shock.
I have learnt and been applying myself more physically, where in the past I was only looking at stopping my mind, as I adapted a better understanding of what process is, I realize how important it is to get physical, to work with my body, to live words to take the whole thing, take everything into consideration and to just go for it all, not just one side of things, to work hard while still leaving time to play, to explore, but also stay structured, to be alone and figure things out for myself, but still open to what anyone says to grow more by sharing and cross referencing.
Even doing good on not smoking cigarettes lately, one of my biggest hardest points to face.
I don't think I know much yet, but I'm happy with where I am, I accept how much further I have to go with the time I have left on earth and am happy and excited for that as well, I don't know if things will get more and more better or worse from here, but I accept it either way.
I don't write this expecting it to be spotless or perfect, everyone must work with who they are and where they are, and trying to hide myself away in judgement of where I am has only lead to further abuse and compromise.
Here I am, and here I will always be.
