364 days of posts in my blog.
almost one year worth of posts, one day away from a years worth of installments
I never realized how close I left my blog off so close to what would have represented a years worth of posts.
I see my posts I've made through that time as honest in just letting everything loose. Being free to just let everything out and simply try to apply some self forgiveness or give things some purpose or substance, structure.
Around the time I stopped consistently blogging was a couple of years ago.
That seems crazy, but I can only see a handful of posts between now and 2017.
I didn't fall off writing, or fall off process and my purpose and direction when I left.
I came back to blogging immediately after my actual lapse and leaving process and self forgiveness around 17-19 years old.
I took that initiative to start blogging immediately because it was something I remembered from Bernard, something I saw as valuable and important and a way to put myself forward and build up momentum.
This endeavor was a complete success.
The time that I stopped blogging around 2 years ago exactly (which again seems unbelievable length of time to have passed) was the most successful and thriving time off my life.
I got through massage school and found fantastic employment upon graduating in the massage industry, and met my girlfriend/fiance who I am now walking process together with for over the past year, funny enough meeting her within a week of getting hired at my job, very fateful, beautiful reassuring timing, and now moving to try to support her to start her life and success as well.
I didn't try to seem like I knew it all in my blogs, so i'd just let loose, nothing to hide or gain by seeming like I'm anywhere other than where I am, and I wouldn't say I'm too far along even now two years later, but I'm very happy and excited with where I am, what I've accomplished, and where I plan to go.
I was discussing with someone about the 7 year journey to life through vlogging and blogging.
and I in that conversation recognized how much of a support it was for me, that I was afraid to participate to see others to be involved, but throwing together a blog really putting myself into it putting something out there and really trying was nice, even though if that was the most of my participation just throwing a blog out into the proper forum or facebook page, and then making a run for it, hit an run, just about every time, write it out, share it, and then flee, run for the hills as fast as possible, don't look at anyone else's posts, don't look at any other information from anyone else, don't look at anyone else's face or words, just throw a post together with some fun, creativity, care, and then run as fast as possible to not see anyone else and be challenged, be scared, feel doubt, feel lost, I would maintain my bubble as much as I could while still trying to share and participate in just a little way.
That little bit of participating did get me a long way, I can see it, the moment I stopped blogging, it was because my life was beginning, and I was actually getting busy, and getting real more than I ever had before.
I would check in on the views I would get on my posts, and wonder, was that on track, was that what I should have posted, was it just a joke, would people check what I wrote just to ensure it wasn't filth and slander and sadistic just to know if I should be disassociated with.
This same battle with myself is why I left for a time, why I left writing self forgiveness and did things in a less productive more stubborn way a long time ago.
Inferiority, and Superiority.
There were these amazing fantastic unstoppable unquestionable magnifcent people in Desteni.
Instead of walking my process at a pace for myself and considering myself and what I need individually, it was how can I be like them? How could I compete and compare to them?
There were a lot of different factors, but that was a very big one, I walked away a long time ago, becuse the process, the 'game' to me was polarity, inferiroirty, and superiority. To defeat and compete, but not even having the slightest dicipline and will to follow through.
So I changed the game, made up new rules, and played alone.
I didn't write, I didn't want to particpate at all, and alone there was no one to compare myself to. No one to compete with. I judged myself as not good enough, and resolved to just walk away and not face the challange, to isolate and supress and escape.
That choice to walk away years and years ago, possessed me, I was fighting, struggling going no where trying to mantain this new life new direction which never would have gotten me anywhere, and when I got back, I struggled and fought the same demons that lead me to leave, created many more problems in the wake of my return, fighting to gain status, fighting to boost my position in process.
I will continue to walk until the day I die. I trust myself with that completely, without doubt or question.
The question and doubt comes in the form of, how far can I go? And has my deceisions and choices cost me the chance to ever achieve what I saw then and now in others?
Will I find the will, passion, dicipline, effort, application needed to really go as far as I can in this life?
I have never felt more physical real in my living, never felt more focused on the things that can be tracked, traced, have evidence, take suffering, take pain, take dicipline, take percervernce and endurance strength and courage.
I don't know that I have or haven't changed for the better or worse since the first day I heard Bernard speak and eventually decided that I was on board for whatever it was he and everyone was talking about
But I know that I'm more on board then ever before,
In the beginning it was all so beautiful and wonderul and self forgiveness felt so good and it was a fantasy a dream, and I fell when I found the truth was what I know my life to be now.
What little I am building up and developing, proud of and valuing, didn't come from positive feelings or pictures or a fantasy.
I am on board now more than ever before, because for me, the veil has dropped since then, not a part of me sees the road ahead and thinks there's a fantasy, a dream, pretty pictures or images or energy, i see turmoil, struggle, fear, fighting, hating, surrender, standing, cycles, failure, anger...
And I'm proud that I can see all of this in me, and see the truth that it's equal to the world at large reflected back within me, as a part of me, and that I'm just as excited and motivated as I ever have been before.
I see the pain, hardship, and reality of what must be done starting with myself, for myself, and I am more happy than I've ever been in my life, and excited to see what I can moving forward.
This time...
I commit myself to not let time slip past me
I commit myself to become the person I dreamt of being
I commit myself to follow through with what I started almost half of my life ago.
And most importantly above all else... I commit myself to walk process for myself.
I commit myself to build myself up until I'm ready to walk together side by side, not in a state of ego and competitive insecurity.
