Day 290- sleep addiction

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Sleep is something that diffinetely contributes to my problems.

Because I can write things out, if I have time, but then when I sleep in i don't have time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I sleep in when I make the decesion to sleep in and during that decesion I think sleeping in will be good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that sleeping in will be good when once I'm up I realize if I had more time to write things out that I would be better off then I were sleeping in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry where I made my decesion and have to live with the consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define moving muslef into action as getting up and facing the day as too much where I wake up facing all my problems and just want to sleep them off.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I can't just sleep off my problems and need to move myself to get up and actually adress my problems in writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my problems as too much to face in writing where they're very easy to face in writing and impossible to actually face in sleep, where sleep can give me energy but not suffice as me actually moving myself to write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I have enough on my plate in commitments and things I'm working towards that I then also have to deal with sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define it as unfair that I have to deal with sleep as another loose end where I do want to adress sleep and get more work done by not being addicted to sleep.

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define mysked as not being ready to adress sleep in a real way where I stick to the same sleep time every day where that seems misrable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my body as needing more sleep then what I see I can actually work with in the best most productive way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let whatever happen when I go to bed where I will not sleep in if I wake up feeling well, but if I don't wake up feeling well then I will sleep in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to will myself to not sleep in where I can't in self honestly just stop a long term addiction to sleep but will need to regularly take real initove and action to sort out the problem.

When and as I see myself angry that I have a problem that I can't just resolve immidetely and Hahn to pick apart all the different elements, I stop, I breathe, I realize I have been preoccupied that I haven't addressed sleep, and that I see the possibility to change and that I have gotten to the point where I can work on changing shows I'm ready and they I just need to keep trying to work on it, thus, I commit myself to every night before I go to bed to adress my plans for sleep that night and make sure I follow through on the mourning, where if I don't follow through I can see why I didn't follow through and then just take a month or two for me to keep working on it every night.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to give into the fullfilling feeling of sleep where all my problems will be momentarly dealt with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resolve my problems in sleep instead of actually adressing them in a way that deals with them for real.

I commit myself to try to stick to my sleep schedule and get up when I'm supposed to where if I'm really tired or needing sleep I can just take a nap instead of sleeping.

Day 289- staying out of the woods

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Finally got to a good place, trying to get to this point for since I started with desteni 7 years ago.

I've made mistakes, gone the wrong way, but this moment is what I've been building up to for a very long time, I've invested in self forgiveness in self application in learning how to navigate.

To know not to be misguided by fear mongering news mainstream alternative gossip or just my own thoughts.

To have been able to consistently manage 3 jobs for over a year.

To be able to express myself here with other's.

To learn how to grow in singing.

To be able to direct myself in each breathe without my mind as just letting go and taking things as they come.

To forgive and let go of my mistakes.

To have found my purpose.

So those are things that have lead up to where I am, but here's where I have to do to stay at this point.

I would like to cold turkey, cigarettes, soda, energy drinks, alcohol, and then to cut down my entertainment time in media and things for to just an hour a day, so I can focus on my sobriety health and not be on entertainment all the time so I can focus on my writing and keep developing what really matters.

This is how it all comes together with needing to quit all these things cold turkey and then trying to manage my entertainment time.

I drink an energy drink to get my energy up at work, energy drinks mess me up and sap my nerves so then I need to smoke to relax, then I'm so wired up and down all day and I've already compromised my commitments to quit smoking cigarettes and drinking energy drinks that I might as well have some beer, then you wake up all groggy and then maybe it's my day off and I'd like to get some writing done and really knock some things out but I'm so hung over or whatever that I just want to watch videos on my phone and play games and just keep losing my will to take any stand and stand by my commitments and goals.

So that's what it's like to be in the woods.

Stressed out from work, so instead of writing things out maybe get on the computer and mess around and then just go back the next day wondering why nothings changing for me, not finding me in the mess.

When I'm super anxious about something or caught up in the day-to-day cycle, I'd give anything to be in this spot, quiet, writing, no problems, and yet I'd ruin it all because it's so unstimulating, I want a cigarette, I want to listen to music, I want something to drink.

I didn't think I'd be in this position where I'd be so close to making such a major self movement of discipline of integrity to truly commit myself to my goals and things I want to cut out of my life, but at the same time there's been those days of like, I can't keep going like this, working pretty hard not getting a lot of writing done then just messing around cycling the same thing all the time.

It's funny how I just forget, or that I diminish myself because I'm 'well off, I haven't struggled or worked for anything I'll always be selfish and can never suffer enough. '

For all the time whatever it was worth, I have to try to make everything stick even though it hurts I can't let one compromise lead into another, if something goes a little off, I buy another pack or start overdoing things, I need to be able to correct it that very day, take the hit and try again the next day.

Ok

Hardest thing entertainment, so easy to get sucked into so many different forms of media and entertainment.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define my very person by entertainment where I define myself so very much by a lack of discipline and an addiction to constantly needing a screen in front of me that I want to just collapse at the thought of reducing how much time I spend on media and entertainment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I won't be able to watch all the things I want to where I won't be binging anything with my schedule plans for entertainment where I'd have to pick and choose what I want to watch very strategically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drop within my body like I need to enter a new state of boring existence within myself to prepare for how bored I'll be not doing anything fun on the media entertainment side of things all day long.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at having lost something in being able to just zone out and cease to exist in entertainment where I've gained so much more in the time I've actually applied myself that I wouldn't be surprised if I loose a part of myself when I do binge on media and simply cease to exist in the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the responsibility that comes with being fulfilled in this way of discipline and sobriety where I can't play the victim when I'm really pushing my best potential and truly reaching the best heights of which I can apply myself by.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the responsibility where this is what I always viewed a real destonian as, as going hard in self forgiveness very focused very disciplined but I don't see myself as how I imagined other's to be, I just see myself as me but somehow I've changed, changed in that I see myself and what I'm capable of as different now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how wrong my perception of being a destonain is where I always had these experiences of what it is to be destonain to really be that person and here at the gates of really trying to create that same application for myself I always saw in other's and it's like me, there's nothing, it's scary, but has it's own gifts better then any other gift.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide away in distractions as media where this self intimacy as writing as actually changing the world through myself is something that you have to do, something you have to move yourself into, I hate the feeling of sharing my mind and sometimes I fuck that up, sometimes it's nice, but even just alone you have to move yourself and just do it and you can't hide, but there's that presence in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up media as much as I plan to and this really being my life where I've fucked up and I've been so selfish I've been so vile I don't deserve such a good life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving into media out of judgement where I don't deserve to be so happy I should just lay back down and take whatever consequences I get for my lifetime or past-lives and just slip away.

When and as I see myself about to go over my media time, unless it's like I'm at the movies and I'm not going to just watch an hour of a movie at the theater, or if I'm watching a show that runs 1 hour 30 minutes then that'd be fine too just a minor  leeway, I stop, I breathe, I realize that what is all the time it took to get to this moment if I'm just going to throw it all away, thus, I commit myself to when I see myself about to compromise more then a few minutes over my dedicated 1 hour of entertainment a day to slow down, breathe, actually look at what's moving in me what I could be doing better to correct, where if I'm having the time to compromise my 1 hour then I have the time to assess what's going on and correct and fix the problem.

I had this moment like this can't be for real, I can't actually be having a chance to walk my process in such a great life, with so much opportunity, surely something has to happen, no one's ever laid a finger on me in violence my whole life, no one's ever truly stolen anything of such great wealth of mine, my home has never been invaded, no one's ever been so malicious to tarnish me and my name to any great extent that it ever mattered.

Why?

No great catastrophic, no great trial, I've just dreamt all my life, I've just slept eaten, why do I have this life?

I commit myself to share my wealth of self forgiveness with other's.

I can't live like this without sharing it, people have to come to self forgiveness, I don't know why I get to have the honor, and maybe something will still happen, but after today, I don't know what it would be.

I don't need to know if I deserve this, if this is a test, I know what my life has to be from here and as nice as it is to take a break and just cry again, it's going to be a pain in the ass every day for a while to try to see everything through.

I commit myself to just keep writing self forgiveness, to keep speaking self forgiveness, to forgive my way out of my laziness my weakness my disdain my hate, all I need is time, so I commit myself to just stick it out, to fear nothing, all I need is time and nothing else to just keep forgiving.

Day 288- getting out of the woods

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I have this experience for a long time.

Like the expreicne of being trapped in some emotion, high, pain, at work, in a conflict, in a relationship, like being trapped and that I think to myself very often all I have to do is to 'get out of the woods' to get out of the situation and then everyt
hing will be cool.

Like I'm at a long day at work, and I think all I have to do is finish this day at work and then everything will be cool, Everything will be better and I'll never get stressed out about work again and my life will be better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be narrow sighted when I expect trivial things to resolve my problems where why would getting this one day done with make such a difference?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my external enviornment like once I'm done with work, once I'm done with this person, once I'm done with this problem I'll be fine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider what being gone means, where I'll be 'fine once I'm done with this part of my life'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others things for why I'm not fine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to be fine and I need to not be stressed out where if I have stress I need to face it not be done with it magically over night.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to magically pop into a better exsistance for myself where there's some secret point that is like a break in the dam that will release me of everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be released of everything all at once instead of seeing how things are dealt with in real time slowly in day-to-day and I can't just do anything that will suddenly resolve all my stress and problems.

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the only way to be fine as to be stable and well and living is to forgive my way out, not run, or hide, or fight, but to just keep forgiving.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about getting through certain conflicts and points in my life where the only way out for real is to forgive my way out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create problems to them forgive my way out of instead of reaching further and really addressing my flaws and limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my struggle being too much to forgive all at once where I don't need to forgive things all at once there'll be problems that go unresolved and I'll have to live through them where it's too late for me as the world to stop the pain and suffering that's already been set in motion over night.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear there being parts of myself that are hard to forgive where even in speaking one point out I could be in pain due to another point and thus it's impossible to alleviate all pain all at once because things have to be adressed one at a time.

When and as I see myself trying to get out of the woods as out of whatever it is I'm blaming all my problems on for that moment, I stop, I breathe, I realize even in self forgiveness alone you still have to take things one at a time and can't just resolve Everything all at once, thus, I commit myself to embrace the pain and forgive my way out of things one point at a time, not expecting any one point to be an end all point and not expecting things to just get better over night.

Day 287- kindness

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define kindness as cliche.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give kindness where I expect kindness in return.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be abusive where I could be living the word kindness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I can be more kind and respectful to other's where I only think about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize giving kindness to other's is me giving kindness as who I am unconditionally to myself as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be kind to myself where I haven't prepared myself for my life and lived without consideration for the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define kind people as good people instead of seeing how giving kindness to other's is giving kindness to yourself as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize selfishness hasn't brought me anything good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not respect other's as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be kind towards other's as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as too cruel and impatient to be kind to other's.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear where I'd like to be kind but default on my own personal interest as my own happiness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about my own personal interest over what I'd like to give to other's.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can actually be happy taking what I want over giving what I'd like to receive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold my interest over other's where I believe everyone is out for themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that if I'm looking out for myself over everyone else, why is my life the way it is? Or am I receiving what I give.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about my own desire of happiness over what I'd like to give to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that kindness is the nature of life.

When and as I see myself acting without kindness towards others, I stop, I breathe, I realize that kind is a word I have to learn how to express in self honesty, thus, I commit myself to establish for myself where I can live kindness in giving other's what I'd like to receive.

I redefine kindness as the nature of life to life giving onto itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame society for my self interest and lack of ability to live kindness or care for other's.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold my self interest over the interest of other's.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself first instead of putting myself equal terms to everyone else.

I commit myself to see how I can start living kindness in considering other's as equals instead of considering myself above other's as thinking of myself first before anyone else's interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not knowing where something is best for me above someone else or when something is failry being distributed where I've never paid any attention and have always accepted everything as it is without question.

I commit myself to investigate what fair distribution is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about what's giving fair and what's taking unfair instead of just asking myself the question in self honesty and sticking with my answer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose things the way I like over what is kind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define kind as black and white where sometimes it's not clear and there'll be other words that take priority over the word kind in some situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give as I'd like to receive in actually having consideration for other's within my actions.

I commit myself to start trying to apply the principle of give as I'd like to receive within my daily life and interaction with other's.

Day 286- word, waiting

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I don't like waiting, I always feel like I'm waiting for something.

Waiting to get somewhere be done somewhere, always waiting for something to happen inside of myself.

I forgvie myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for things to happen inside of myself where waiting should be for things I can't control.

I forgvie myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for something to stir inside of myself where I should be directing my self movement be being controlled by my sepertation from self movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that waiting for real things to happen make sense because I can't control the time of day and need to be at certain places at certain times for living the word wait where if I have to meet someone somewhere I wait by that place not somewhere that I can't greet them when they're ready.

I forgvie myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the longer I wait the longer something bad is likely to happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not enjoy waiting where I define waiting as a lesser expression of myself as though I deserve immidetely being gratified all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define waiting as an insult to me as if I deserve to never wait for anything ever.

I forgvie myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not appreciate what a good word waiting can be to live and practice where waiting is dicipline and assertiveness and patience.

I forgvie myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define waiting through my reaction of feeling restricted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear bringing out my full potential to live the word waiting where what if I wait forever and it becomes all I do that I enjoy waiting so much.

I forgvie myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear if I enjoy the expreicne of waiting too much that I'll never take action and will only ever enjoy waiting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live the word waiting to it's best purest potential.

When and as I see myself reacting to having to wait with anxiety like let's get done with this, I stop, I breathe, I realize they from there it'll be snktbrt thing to anxiously waiting for and the only way to stop it is to purify the word and change how I live it, thus, I commit myself to live the word waiting unconditionally where waiting isn't good or bad but just a word that reflects my dicipline and preservernce and patience back to myself where the better someone can wait the more diciplined they are.

I redefine waiting as waiting for real things in practicality, where I'm not waiting for myself to feel better, I'm waiting for the time usually, and waiting in a way that makes sense like if I have a few extra minutes because I'm waiting for an appointment then maybe I wait in the lobby because they might call me in early.

Day 285- word, investment

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as not good enough for investment where I'm too lazy to invest in something where I put some time and effort into something like investing practice to learning a new skill.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as to lazy to invest even a little amount of time into any of the ideas or things I'd like to develop on work on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider how investing just a few minutes a day into something can build up where I don't have to jump completely into something to begin developing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not invest in things out of self judgement where I judge myskef as not worth it and then surrender to this idea.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be intimidated by the learning and developing process instead of just investing even the littlest bit of real world effort adds up over time.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize investing in things is the first step of anything I do or develop where there's always a first step and the fist step can keep building up until you're developed in a skill or thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how I can invest in my ideas by taking them to action where knowledge or an idea doesn't invest fort real into it is taken into living.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider how thinking about or planning to do something is the cheapest form of investment and can even be counter productive as a negative investment where it's never taken to living even a little.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disempower my self trust where I make plans and ideas and become influced to not act them out for real bit to keep cycling them in my mind not establishing anything at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear investing in my future where I fear wasting my time and my investment not paying off.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how I take short term investments instead of long term investments in myself and my security.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to settle for less then long term investment in school and skills and learning where I settle for complacency and define it as being what I prefer.

When and as I see myself defining investment as all or nothing, I stop, I breathe, I realize that every little action for real taken in the physical is a real long term investment, thue, I commit myself to when I see something I'd like to one day do, to start today, in the littlest way possible, where if one day I'd like to be good at a skill I start today even if only spending a few minutes.

I redefine investment as putting in effort to be developed and processed into reward or a finished product or improvement.

I commit myself to invest in my own well being through self forgiveness as much as possible.

Day 284- word, trapped

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There's a hot tub I get to use at my job when i get out of work.

It was really cold out and I did not want to get out of the hot tub because it was very cold outside, and very comfortable in the hot-tub.

So, being stuck in that situation I did some self reflection.

I saw how I wouldn't get hurt to get out of the hottub it was just comfort, and then I thought about how it was the same situation when I have to get up for work where I don't want to get out of bed and will push things as late as I possibly can before finally getting out of bed.

I'm trapped in the hottub to comfortable to get out into the cold, and I'm trapped in bed too comfortable to get out, I'm also trapped in not living up to my schedule where I short cut and cheat my schedule out of similar comfort traps.

Also when I stopped doing self forgiveness and doing things my own way was a comfort trap too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get stuck in comfort traps where I'm really comfortable and don't want to lower myself to doing things that don't make me as comfortable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to only doing things that are more or equal to me in comfort where I don't want to push myself harder or dig in deeper to things I'd rather just stay at my comfort level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself get trapped in comfort in my mind where I'm thinking about how much I want to sleep in and how much I don't want to get up or get out of whatever is making me comfortable instead of just taking action and untrapping myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear leaving my comfort zone where I want the problem to just resolve itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the responsibility of being the only one who can get me out of my comfort zone when I get stuck in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bridge the gap where right now I can see I shouldn't be getting trapped in comfort avoiding responsibility and indulging in comfort but when I'm actually in the situation the desire to stay in comfort is extreme.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be trapped by comfort where I let my decisions be made by comfort where my desire for comfort prevents me from just getting myself out of the situation where I let the comfort desire influence me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let comfort unconsciously influence my actions where I can be direct and make better decisions directly then unconsciously doing whatever my desire tells me to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how intense the experience of the comfort trap is where when it's happening is hard to relate to when I'm outside of it.

I redefine trapped as having been caught in a situation that is not the best for me, where I can trap myself in some cases because of my own behavior and decisions, and can be trapped in other situations like being trapped if I feel in a hole where I literally become trapped if I can't get out.

When and as I see myself trapping myself in comfort where I see I need to face something or do something but refuse to leave the state of comfort I'm in, I stop, I breathe, I realize that this point is so dominate in my life because it's a big point of transcending where if I can face this point it opens up a lot of possibilities in my life, thus, I commit myself to face each time I fall into a comfort trap and not give in and do what I'm supposed to do within the realizing that however intense the moment of being trapped is the pay off of not giving in and doing what I'm supposed to do is worth fighting myself for, where I might have to go into conflict to get myself out of the hottub when it was cold outside and had to really dig in and figure out what it was going to take and put up a fight before I was able to best myself and get out of the hottub, but it was worth it once I finally got out.

Day 283- investing in life through self forgiveness

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the way I am within my mind is how I'm supposed to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my mind being the way it is even though I am unable to be here in any moment without my mind running endless programs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I am without all the programs running in my mind as personality and ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how my mind works in pictures where in trying to relax my mind unleashes all the pent up pictures and personality that come storming out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mind is too vast and powerful that I can't even leave a dent in it where I have seen that I can, that I can change who I am into who I'd like to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let pictures in my mind run without any oversight where the pictures and personalites assossaited with them are always at play, where just supressing them while trying to focus on other things only validates them as having power over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider the end point of the pictures where the point of the pictures in my head is for me to live a dream and to not realize my best potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that personality is designed to prevent me from realizing my best potential.

I commit myself to direct my life towards the best I can be each day, where I can see me giving into my mind when I don't reach my best potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as giving up a part of myself when I can not let my mind make my decesion for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am as letting my decesions be made by my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being myself when I reach the other end and become diciplined and not give into my mind in my day to day schedule where once I live my schedule perfectly I'll be a different person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up the luxury in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing my attachments as crutches and addiction as they are in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my new person being challenged by other's.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the pain and struggle of reaching my utmost potential in my day to day schedule where I would schedule more self forgiveness and the more self forgiving the more I change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define change as giving up who I am where I'm just changing who I am to be better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the better person I could be as being empty and vacant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define external stimuli as fullfillment instead of as distracting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the inevitable where I refuse to let go of my goals but postpone them and avoid facing the full brutality of them as much as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for my life to stabilize and improve before pushing myself further.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of my limitation to not push myself further.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify why I drag things out and don't face things head on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a boring person without the stimuli that fullfill my personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my personality of needing external stimuli in media and entertainment to run my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my mind be run by entertainment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear digging myself in deeper into my addiction to entertainment in tv and media where I see my goal as cutting out a drastic amount of media and entertainment and focusing on self improvement and my wellness and stability in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trade my wellness and stability for a moment of pleasure in entertainment.

I commit myself to keep pushing towards my goals of schedule self forgiveness and self improvements and cutting out and managing entertainment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of the inevitable where I know I'll get to my goal eventually so I do as little as possible and indulge as much as I can instead of actually putting my foot down and getting to my goals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be patient and percistent in seeing how deeply ingrained certain endulge in dreams and fantasy and entertainment has crippled my ability to reach and realize my potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my tools for granted where I know if I keep using my tools I'll get where I'd like to go but in that I use them only when I am already needing them instead of using them on principle and proactively.

I commit myself to push myself to not let my goals be something I let unfold buy something I take authority over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let authority be defined as villinay.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define going with the flow without authority and even rebelling against as authority as being great and God like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live authority within my life where I instead go with the flow and don't push myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate authority as the pain of being structured instead of realizing the gift of structure.

I redefine authority as taking charge and not just going with the flow and pace of the mind.

I commit myself to live authority in my life over myself where I don't always just go with the flow buy realize when it is time to take charge and dominate myself and my decesions and make my move.

Day 282- creating a unique mess

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How do I deal with everything moving within me?

How so I sort everything out within me?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to complicate my process by trying to do things my own way and leaving myself in a disposition compared to where I could be if I had done things the way i was supposed to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand down from my process when faced with things I didn't want to face.

I forgive myself that i have acceoted and allowed myself to be angry that i didn't stick things out and left myself in a worse position.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deside to take time off my process the way I'm supposed to planning to return where I took a planned vacation from my process for a few years testing out my own way where I wish I hadn't bothered because it didn't even compare to the real thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I've made things more complicated in taking time away from my process to try my own thing where I regret doing things my own way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have my own special way of walking my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry I'm constantly reminded of my mistake in taking a vacation form the way I was supposed to do things where in every moment I experience the consequences of my mistake.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to give uo because ive failed to reach the utmost potential I could have been, and now have to settle for less.

I forgive myself that I have accepted snd allowed myself to refuse to embrace my process as it is now where I know how much better it could have been for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and aloowed myself to fear I've messed up too much and that things will be too hard for me to live up to now that I've wasted so much time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete with other's as a way to make myself look better where I don't want to face how I've lived down my opprituinuty to have walked my process straight through my life without hesitating and making mistakes which I hold against myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my process as stupid now where I have to deal with the stupidest things that I do and create within myself where I could have walked with more grace if I had been more consistent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to be embarrassed by how ridiculous my process is to Mr where I'd feel stupid if anyone knew the things I expierence myself needing to do self forgiveness for where I don't know if I'm making any sense and yet it to me is the most important things for me to do self forgiveness for like constantly dealing with all the movement I expierence within my mind like strings like I'm hallucinating constantly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to be angry that I have to deal with things I can hardly explain or out into words where my mind is so obscure and nonsensical that I feel dumb trying to figure it out at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge how my process would appear to other's as being ridiculous where to me it is every breathe s part of my exsistance which I have no break from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not humble myself to the process I hsve to walk where it doesn't matter what it appears to other's but that i know how much of it is to me that it's my reality every day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear accepting a lesser quality of life for myself where I fear I'll settle for just getting by each day despite the discomfort and suffering inside of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for suffering in ways that I can't out into words where it's not an emotion or feeling that I can describe but that I'm simply falling apart in my own mind and losing my abaility  to keep functioning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being broken by my own creation which I created in the absence of self forgiveness for several years.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I created something so unique and special with in myself that I have no one I can relate it to and cannot remember the entirety of creating it where I just remember creating it every day what I defined as walking my process which in reality is only a burden and a harsh lesson which I would rather not have lived for all that time I could have done things correct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having lost a part of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not out my full effort into trying to figure out my mental sabotage where I drag my feet in spite and judgement.

When and as I see myself dragging things out snf not getting to the core of the things im trying to walk, I stop, I breathe, I realize that dragging things out is how I got into my mental mess to begin with snf that it will only remain as bad as it is where my mind is insane until I stop dragging my feet snf dig into my process, thus, I commit myself to dig into my mind snf my process without shame or judgement where I don't hold back because this is 'stupid' or this 'isn't the right way to do things', I dig in because I have no way else buy through self forgiveness.

I commit myself to trust myself to keep pushing where no one has answers for what I have created within me but myself, and no one else has solution but me in my own words as self forgiveness until things are seen through.

Day 281- of montreal

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Of Montreal is my favorite band, when I listen to it in the right place at the right time it's beyond words.

I have the same experience with dreams where my dreams are 'beyond words'.

I have other experience like this one mental experience I have where it's like how do I write this out it is 'beyond words'

Also when I fist started smoking weed it was this profound experience beyond words until it developed a word as paranoia and terror when I stopped responding to weed in that blissful beyond words way.

Another one is when I'm out in nature or looking out at the landscape when I use to ride the bus to school, this experience I couldn't place.

But in retrospect when I fist developed this experiences that were beyond words I didn't have the same tools to introspection, so now if I take the beyond words experience of listening to of Montreal the word is or could be just 'good', or amazing, so it's not so hard to actually place the experience into words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to define the experience of listening to of Montreal as beyond words where if I did place words on it I would start to be breaking it down relating it to me and my life and putting it in context.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the experience of listening to of Montreal be beyond me as beyond words where I want to get lost in an experience that I can't put words into.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let of Montreal be music that I use to escape where I have problems and things I want to do but getting lost in that experience is like a moment where I forget about everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge and give into this experience and letting myself be beyond my problems where my problems then just coke back harder when I'm done listening to the music and forgetting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how powerful of an experience I have when I listen to my favorite music.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my favorite music special value where it's my favorite and it's special to me and so it's meaningful over any other sound or music.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my favorite music deep meaning where 'there's more to this music and the way it makes me feel and it's all beyond words'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to disconnect from my relationship to this music from my favorite band where it's too powerful of an experience and reaction I have when I listen to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeat the same nostalgic feeling when I listen to my favorite band where I feel the same way I felt listening to it years ago where in listening to the music I go back to how I felt and my expression from years ago.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider that the music I have created a deep connection with over time where it being my favorite I have inherently listed to a lot of it over a long period of time and put deep expreicnes into it that it's not surprising that it would then be deeply seated within my phyce.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear listening to the music and not having any grand imaginations or reactions to it where I'm afraid of it not being good without those things where I don't know what it would be or what it would sound like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be fascinated with the way that I feel and experience when I listen to this music instead of just remaining stable and centered where I'm intrigued by having a quick fix as a quick way to get to a state of mind and obtain something within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself purpose in listening to my favorite music and having special feelings when I listen to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up a part of myself in stopping my relationship to my favorite music.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my purpose in life as having experiences when i listen to my favorite music where I've 'found myself'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find myself in music where what I've found is just a moment away from myself for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be frightened to question my relationship to my favorite band where I hardly even think of that music or listen to it very occasionally yet still hold that relationship with value even though I rarely participate in listening to it.

When and as I see myself experiencing my relationship to my favorite music as being too powerful to face and beyond words, I stop, I breathe, I realize I've never tired to face it and put it into words and allowed it to be powerful to give me special meaningful experiences, thus, I commit myself to when I think of or am actively listening to my favorite music from my favorite band to step back from identifying with it and defining it as something special and take a more unbiased listen to it where maybe it starts to sound a little different once I'm not giving it all this purpose and pumping it up to give me special feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to twist my experience listening to music with my experience of being out in nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take an already beyond words experience as what I have sometimes when I sit out in nature and combine it with my favorite music where then it's things like this that amplify the experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a deep meaning to my favorite music when I listen to it after drinking beer where beer already puts me in a state of mind and then the music on top of that give it even deeper power by combining it with the beer experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my experience to my favorite music when I combine listening to it with smoking weed where with weed already is everything seeming messed up and wrong and paranoid and sick and then combined with the music the music doesn't have enough of a reaction to calm the messed up experience within me down so the music itself seems messed up showing how it's all based on my own experience as how I perceive the music.

When and as I see myself experiencing my favorite music along with any other experience within me, I stop, I breathe, I realize if I'm angry and upset and listen to some music I might hate that music when in reality I might normally like it and it was only because I'm angry in that moment, thus, I commit myself to listen to my favorite music unbiased where I listen to it without connecting it to my inner experience where i see that music does not make me feel anything I make myself feel a certain way.

Day 280- conflict of schedules

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When I'm upset or frustrated it's easy to push people away and become confrontational.

Sometimes I make an excuse like I'm busy, I'm tired, I'm upset when I try to avoid someone or initiate conflict before trying to assess the situation in a realistic way .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push people away or go into conflict with them when I experience myself as short on time like 'I don't have time for this', so then I just push or run away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame other's for me being too short on time to deal with people in certain situations where it's my own responsibility that I have mismanaged my time for so much in different parts of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to face responsibility for my time mismanagement with other's where I have to face certain things like if I don't want to deal with someone and want to instead do my writing or go home from work and don't want to deal with co-workers I need to just man up and accept that I should not take it out on other's that I mismanage my time.

It comes back to my scheduling again and having to continuously face the consequences of my schedule, which equals me scheduling self forgiveness each day, which equals my process, so the consequences I face with other's is the consequences of me not properly living out my schedule.

It all starts yesterday, I got my blog done and then some more self forgiveness and then I went to bed early, where that was not necessarily part of my schedule, but in a sense was a grey area/loop hole that I immediately fell into right after writing about that kind of thing so then I go to bed early and don't get all the self forgiveness I planned to get done, then the next day, today, I feel short on time because I went to bed early and lost time of the day, and then I'm not as sharp as I could be the entire day and it all just keeps stacking up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let me mismanaging my time and schedules affect my responsibility and relationships with other's where because I didn't mange my time and schedule I'm now off my game with other's and am not as cooperative as I'd rather be and let things just keep falling apart.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed that I just sat down to do all this writing on scheduling yesterday and then immediately found a way around everything I had established for myself as a loophole that technically was ok but not really.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so clever that I immediately find flaws in what I establish for myself where as clever as my loophole was it would have been better to just have made an adjustment on the fly and not circumvent everything I worked on just because it wasn't specific enough in a certain way as in going to bed early which wasn't specified in the list I made but could have been assumed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept the consequences and fix them on the spot as making adjustments in real time to atone for me not following through on my schedule through loop holes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have the integrity to face the consequences for mismanaging my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame other's for showing me how I'm not living my best potential as following though with my schedule which results in my doing my self forgiveness where if I'm angry with someone, then I need to look at how if I had spent more time doing self forgiveness I would be more capable of not being angry because self forgiveness would have helped with that and so if I lived my schedule then I wouldn't be in that situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shut down and not work with other's because I have not properly prepared for things in self forgiveness.

When and as I see myself shutting down in relationship to conflict in my day, I stop, I breathe, I realize that if I follow through on my schedule, i'll do all the self forgiveness I have scheduled, and then I won't be in as much conflict because conflict is reduced through self forgiveness, thus, I commit myself to humble myself to the conflicts I accept by not doing enough self forgiveness each day, where the more self forgiveness I do in a day the less conflict and the better the next day is, thus, I commit myself to follow through with my schduel as not going to bed early so that I can get all my self forgiveness done and then won't be in conflict the next day.

I commit myself to not go to bed early, where I can go to bed and sleep in later, but not go to bed early, is a good establishment for now.

Day 279 - compromising my schedule to play games

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There's some things that I want to get done.

day to day schedule things.

schedule is the big word that I am trying to work with.

I want to get certain time frames and schedules and things that I consistently stick with everyday.

writing every day is one thing, where I want to live the word consistent, write self forgiveness everyday, where I speak it a lot around whenever whatever I'm doing, but I want to also make sure I'm writing it every day also.

there's other things too that I want to make part of my daily routine.

just thinking about my schedule plans makes me miserable, I can't imagine actually succeeding, but to start with getting more serious and pushing myself harder I'm going to make a list of my schedule plans for every day.

I write this because 2 days ago an expansion for the card game I play on my phone came out and I was playing it all yesterday and I didn't get anything done, at first I was upset because I just kept pushing things further and further and I wasn't supposed to play it half as much as I did and I keep compromising, so that was upsetting because I would have liked to have gotten more work done in my self forgiveness and corrections, but then there was this other part, that didn't care at all, and I was having so much fun with all the new cards and playing against people and I just didn't regret it, but in retrospect even though it was fun I need to be able to draw a harder line with myself because I pushed things way too far and stayed up too late.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play my card game all day and not do anything I was supposed to because I was excited to play my new game.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it's ok to compromise my plans because I can just deal with the repercussions later which is right now, which is true, but is not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep pushing things a little further until I completely broke and didn't care about doing anything I was supposed to and lost all of my integrity and was happy and was ok with having done that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I'm dealing with not keeping my schedule up right now, where I could have just kept up my schedule and not have to have done this self forgiveness where I'm wasting my own time which has it's own consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how I've set myself back in my life without even realizing how close I was to where I would have liked to be in my life and just had to make the decision to stick with my schedule.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having set myself back where it's not necessarily true because I wasn't close to reaching my schedule goals I might have well have spent a month not doing anything and would have been just as close where the words are schedule stability planning consistency, one bad day is what it took for me to take a step back and look at things, but doesn't represent me having set myself back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get caught up in how much fun I was having where I knew that by the next day new problems and new things would come up and I would not be prepared and that's exactly what happened, exactly what happened, things happened today that I was not prepared for because I betted and hoped that today would be smooth and it wouldn't matter that I spent all day playing my card game and not getting anything doe yesterday.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame fate where it was fate that the card game would come out when it did on my birthday and that I would have a drink on my birthday and that this avalanche of one thing leading to another was all just scripted by something beyond me and my own decisions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play my card game more then I was supposed to because when I play it I'm engaged and focused and happy and forget about everything and the worst that happens is that someone beats me really bad and then I get a little bit angry or curse them if they taunt me for beating me so good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that this incident of staying up late playing my card game and not accomplishing anything I had planned for that day won't be a wake up call but instead I'll just find another reason to flake and be fickle and inconsistent.

When and as I see myself judging myself as a total jack ass for messing around all day and not doing anything but playing my card game, I stop, I breathe, I realize in self honesty I see how this can be a wake up call and an opportunity for me to step back and try to get my act together once and for all, thus, I commit myself to try to get my act together from now on by living my daily schedule every day, where I see how I can steadily work towards improving my consistency in my schedule and how I can see the different compromises that come up and how to work through them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how easy it seems to live out my schedule plans for each day where in reality things happen, there's time when I just don't care, there's times when I don't feel well, there's times where I compromise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how easy in my mind it can seem to live out my newest perfected schedule plans for each day where I'm having to start right now in this moment as writing my blog/writing is part of my daily schedule and it's already very challenging and i just now devoted myself to pushing myself harder and it's already an actual challenge in just writing this sentence in living the word schedule as I'm scheduled to write this sentence and I want to give up immidetely.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that it being very difficult all at once is good because it's actually hitting me in reality the gravity of the words I'm trying to live within schedule and I'm actually facing it, and I don't have to wait because I'm living the word right here in this breathe in having myself scheduled to write my blog as this exact time I'm already developing living creating unifying myself with this word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in that why am I so worried about living the word shcudle where I place so much value on it and why I don't place more value in facing other points in my life where that's simply because with my schedule I get a lot of self forgiveness done in theory, so then the more self forgiveness I get done the more of other things I can face in said self forgiveness thus shcudle is key, follow the shcuelde, do the self forgiveness, profit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my mind fuck with me where I let other things pick away at me where what I see and what works for me is to just do the self forgiveness, walk myself out, don't let anything get in the way of that, which means to schduel self forgiveness each day, and don't let that be compromised.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully myself into worrying about and thinking about anything but living out my schduel, where my schudle equals me doing self forgiveness, thus my schduel needs to be held to a high regard and I need to work towards being consistent and not compromising my schduel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysefl to compromsie my schedule when something comes up where I visit someone I didn't plan to, I don't feel the way I planned to, thing aren't going as planned.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stick things out just because they didn't go according to plan within my schduel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my schdule where I would like to rather stick things out wihtout compromise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my schdule where I compare myself to other's and don't see myself as being able to achieve as much as other's so 'why even try.'

When and as I see myself compromsing my schduele, I stop, I breathe, I realize that living the word schdule is the key to my process right now in my life, thus, I commit myself to slow down and to pay attention when I am about to compromise my shcule as I realize my schduele equals self forgiveness, self fogivness equals my process so in drawing this connection in real time I commit myself to take authoruity within this raelizatyiohn and handle things the best I can to not compromsie the integrity of my process for something that is never as imporatnt as to compromise my process like just not feeling like it, or just not caring some times.

day 278 - surface level judgement

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify judgement of other's through opinion and preference.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept being judgmental when I can say I don't like that type of person where then it's ok to judge because it's a personal preference of distaste.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept not linking certain things in people when the dislike is charged and judgement based without principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not like certain things in people where it's out of ego, where I could not like that someone hurts other's or hurts animals, but instead it's I don't like someones mannerism, I don't like that they annoy me, I don't like the way they look.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like and dislike based on charged up feelings and judgement, 'I don't like that person because they annoy me', I'm charged with annoyance and blame the person for 'being a way that annoys me'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make judgement based on my own personal reactions, where this person makes me angry, so I judge them for making me angry instead of correcting my own anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge other's for the way they naturally are as the way they look, the way they were raised.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for the way that I look.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for the way that I was raised.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the actions of other's on a personal level where I judge things in other's because I personally don't like certain things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge other's for being the way they are instead of the way I'd like them to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge other's by the way they appear on the surface where I devalue other's before even looking deeper past the surface.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define other's by the surface level judgement that I place on them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people in a shallow way out of spite where I take it personal that other's are the way that they are.

When and as I see myself judging other's for the way that they behave or look, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I'm not really seeing who other's are when I make things personal and look at people through my own personal ego, thus, I commit myself to slow down, breathe and look at people as unconditional as possible with as little opinion and personal taste as possible to see who people are outside of my personal lens.

Day 277- unraveling supression

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I've been speaking out loud a lot of my self forgiveness and correction, but I want to make the effort to take a lot of those times I'm speaking it out loud and instead to write it out where I know that if I'm wanting to relax and speak it out loud before I got to bed then that's one thing, but putting it all down on paper is something I need to make sure I'm putting effort to be doing.

I've been noting this experience I have where things are really dull, like I have a point that I want to work out, and I'm speaking the self forgiveness and it's almost like I'm on low battery it feel like, like I'm just going through the motions and I just want to get it over with so I can move on, so for that is why I'm thinking to put more emphasis on writing things out more where I think putting on paper will help, and also that I can always have it a goal to be writing things out as well as speaking them because it's just a way to put more into the self forgiveness.

Then even just points in general, it's like most the experiences I have through the day are very dulled down and suppressed, I've definitely done this to myself through the years I spent suppressing myself through breathing to walk my process instead of using self forgiveness.

Then there's through my day whatever it is, emotion, feeling, experience, perception, it's all mostly so dulled out like I'm hardly even interested or care about anything coming up in me because it's all so dull.

Then I had this idea about how my mind is all suppressed, it's not that it's stopped, this is something I've worked with before and am aware of within how it happened and some of the nature behind it, but this is the first time I had the idea of to make my mind intense and expressive instead of suppressed, but actually knowing how I would do it, and how it would pan out.

So, I'm not getting anywhere working with my mind when it's all suppressed, I need it to be running wild and making noise so that I can have something to actually work with instead of just constantly feeling indifferent and dull.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my mind instead of actually walking things out where my mind suppressed just makes it harder to deal with things because I'm too dull to be aware of how anything is affecting me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to stop everything within my mind instead of walking it out the way I'm supposed to where stopping just became suppressing not really addressing anything in a way that is substantial and will stick.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear releasing my mind where I need to release it at this point as reversing the suppression where I need to correct the suppression so I can work with things and not be so indifferent and dull constantly within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress things where I can't tell what there actual situation is instead of letting things play out in my mind as much as possible where then I can actually make sure things are being sorted out because if things go from very loud to stopping and not being loud then I can tell something is happening but I can't tell if something is going calm and quiet when it's suppressed because I'm not aware of it to begin with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let things be as wild and loud as possible within me so when I walk something out I've actually can tell because I have something to compare it to, where I can't compare certain parts of myself to anything because so much of myself is suppressed.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider how I can put my mind in a position where I'm allowing it to speak and then am actually listening where then I can write things out better where this has to do with how I learnt to suppress things instead of open them up and actually deal with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed by how loud I start to notice the song playing in the back of my head where it's so intense when I just let it play out and don't try to suppress it that I feel like I'm broken that I have this crack in the back of my head where this music is coming from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to direct myself to make my mind speak out so I can notice it instead of just trusting myself to be able to figure it out naturally without having to consciously mess with how I direct this effort within myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider how little difference in how I direct myself in each moment can have such a major affect on my life and my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear backtracking where I am being stubborn in doing things the opposite of how I have been directing myself where it's important I realize to try different things and to admit when something isn't working the best it could.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider that how I direct myself in each moment is not a complete part of how I walk things out where I can try directing myself in many different ways in each moment within myself but what ties it all together is the self forgiveness and correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to find a balance within myself where I'm allowing my mind to flow without giving into it outright, where with suppression you just shut down everything, but with just letting things play out I have to draw the line with what I'm directly participating with vs what is just occurring naturally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about what I'm doing and what comes up in my mind at all where the whole point is to write things out and deal with things directly in writing not trying to micro manage every single thought in my head.

When and as I see myself suppressing my mind from coming up, I stop, I breathe, I realize it's important to draw the distinction between stopping vs suppressing, thus, I commit myself to when stopping something within myself to be doing it directly and not based on separation, so when something comes up within me and I cannot directly unconditionally stop it to just leave it alone where I can't suppress it or hype it up I just have to let it run it's course and then take it to self forgiveness and correction.

                

Day 276- outlines/rabbitholes

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Every day I need to be following my schedule for the day.

I need to challenge myself regularly in different ways.

When something like an big reaction comes up I need to be able to not think my way out, but to jist stop, breathe as centering myself 'I'm here I'm breathing'.

I have many points to work out, I couldn't think of them all, and that's the point that I don't need to think about them I just live them.

So that's my outline each day, I can't help anyone until I walk myself out, then as i sort myself out I can eventually become able to support other's through what I've walked, but that's a very long term goal, years down the road.

So I've got my outline, and I live that every day, but I still can't help but wonder back to the past where I was living a completely different outline, where my outline was to transcend my mind to become 'something', I wasn't using the tools I was shown but my own methods which I don't use hardly ever since recent months, where for a while my method of breathing and all the stunts I pull in each breathe lingered for a whole until i really dig into it into in self forgiveness and correction.

What still lingering is this presence like I'm still caught in that web, or I haven't totally resolved some things.

It's like I'm breathing in each moment, but there's still more to each breathe, energy moving in each breathe, each breathe I take os more then just a breathe there's still a lot of energy and mental things in each breathe.

So it's like I deal with things in real time, if I'm dealing with anger, I deal with it when I comes up, when I get angry, that's my moment of truth.

Then I think I'm looking at things like, can't I do more in each moment, why do I have to face things in real time, can't I face things right here in this moment?

Really what comes to mind is if I have the time to sit around doing more quantum bull poo in my mind then I have time to instead just to self forgiveness which is where it's at.

So it's like why dig into my mind trying to create more shitty methods of directing myself when I can just use self forgiveness in that time and then apply it in the real world while I'm out or at work ot whatever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I can imagine being more in each breathe, which I have done in the past where I have a very powerful imagination, but when it comes to living the imagination it falls flat because it's not based on real things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get caught up in each breathe where I can imagine myself being more om each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste time imagining who I could be in each breathe where it's what I do, what I imagine is just misleading me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine what I could do in each breathe where I could imagine growing wings but it simply does not happen, where I have imagined that in the past and try to grow wings, because that would be cool, but it didn't work, even thoihj I believed it very hard and imagined Very hard, it doesn't work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to not see that if I am imagining what more I could do in each breathe it's just an idea where then if I want I can take it to writing and try to flesh it out question it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that maybe there is something I can do in each breathe and am missing out on it, where maybe or maybe not I need to just write it out, maybe I'm right or wrong I don't know.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being disappointed if I find that there's no tricks to walking my process and that it is completely real time forgive and change in real time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judhe myself for going down the rabbit hole where I'm writing things out I'm being as specif as I can using my tools I'm being realistic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judhe myself for going back down the same rabbit hole I've been down before where it's a new process that is being walked and testing things out makes sense.

When and as I see myself fearing going down the rabbit hole as digging into an idea relating to my process, I stop, I breathe, I realize that it's reasonable to quest things and try things out as long as I'm using my tools and beinf self honest, thus, I commit myself to when I see myself wanting to go down a rabbit hole of testing a new theory or idea within my process to be practical, to not waste months or even years endlessly digging myself into my own mind, remember that I already have an outline to walk each day and that I need to focus on practical real world real time things first and foremost.

Day 275- preparing to be annoyed

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I'm not annoyed right now, but I will be annoyed eventually, there are things that I know will annoy me, I know that there's nothing I can do to stop the annoyance once it has already happened, the only way to stop it completely is preparing for it now before it happens.

It could be anyone, or anything, or specific things that I know annoy me, I can't handle being annoyed anymore, I could live with it, but I'd rather just cut it out all together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myseld to judge myself for beinf unable to stop myself when I'm faced with something that annoys me very much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myseld to judge myself for not having the will to stop my annoyance in certain cases, where I realize without the right platfrom I'm hopeless to my annoyance in certain cases.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to expect myself to stop annoyance when something annoys me and I precive myself as being annoyed by something else, I hear or experience something and it becomes my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect myself to be able to stop annoyance of vertsin things when I experience the annoyance as real, as though it is a real part of exsistance which I cannot stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define annoyance as real, where when I get very annoyed within certain situations it's as though it's not me personally being annoyed and not taking responsibility for my reactions, it's that reality itself is exsisitng within me as annoyance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let annoyance become an existential provlem for me instead of just admitting that I can and must figure out how to root it back to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry when I get pent up and feel annoyance building up and maybe want to snap because I don't have any grip as any way to curve my annoyance and direct myself to stop it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not understanding the things that annoy me, where I don't need to understand annoyance from any point but myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look to other's to see why does this person annoy me, instead of, why do I allow myself to annoy mysekf in realitionship to this person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to be annoyed by other's when I don't want to cooperate, where I don't think it's fair I have to take certain responsibility or iniative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed with having to take responsability for myself in situations that I'm not prepared for or happy with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself for continuing to become worked jp and annoyed where to break down even one point of annoyance completely can take a lot of time and effort, and when I am covering so may different things, the consequence is not seeing everything through to completion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect myself to cut out annoyance within me all at once where I break it down a little see what I can apply, and then learn, live it, face it in real time, to give me real input to come back to, where how could I break apart annoyance all at once where the onlg way is to go back in and become annoyed again to learn.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed with my own body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed that I have to hey up in the morning when I really don't feel like getting up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed when I really want to reach for a goal, but really don't want to do the work required or oyut in the effort required.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed that I am uncentered within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming more annoyed instead of less, where that might be what is required, some points might lesson and some photos might still need to build up, but that's why I am preparing myself, because I identified annoyance as something that I predict happening to me on a regular basis.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed I have to do things when I'm tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed that it isn't fair I have to do things when I'm tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to be annoyed when I owe someone something.

When and as I see myself angry that I still get annoyed, I stop, I breathe, I realize I haven't invested half of enough time on any point of annoyance to really transcend it, thus, I commit myself to slow down breathe and direct myself to just stop annoyance and direct myself the best I can in the moment where I don't have to stop annoyance completely I can just do my best.

Day 274- super chill

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I like the idea of always being chill.

To always be laid back, always going with the flow.

I don't think that there's anything I can do in any moment to be more chilled out, that would be actually practical, and not based on drugs like cigarettes or caffeine.

I think being chilled out is just what happens when I cut away all the waste and get down to my core, but I don't know.

I find myself getting through each day waiting for my life to snap into this chilled out mode, where everything will be cool for the rest of my life and I'll be permanently chilled out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the idea that the chilled out mode and permanently residing in the chilled out mode is made up, like a light at the end of the tunnel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that being chilled out for the rest of my life is just showing me how I always need some far of point to hope for or to wait for like a carrot on a string in front of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having the same sense of purpose if my idea doesn't come true where I become super chilled out all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how I value being chilled out all the time more then anything else for myself in my life where if I found that there is no becoming super chilled out that what's the point, where what I can do is use a little better wording to say that I already know that I become physically more comfortable and enjoy myself more the more I cut out the dead weight dragging me down as my current mind programming, so in that sense of becoming more comfortable and more content can be seen as equal to being chill, where you become so content and comfortable that you hit a higher level of content and comfort as being chill.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to force and rush being chill where I already know from hippy and peace and love archetypes in tv and media that you can't force being chill, you have to just let go and go with the flow, self forgiveness is letting go, and my corrections are the flow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my goal and purpose I give to myself to be chill is too good to be true, where I imagine just how nice it would be to progressively become more and more chill the further and further I walk my process, and I fear that there has to be some kind of self compromise or something I'm missing some selfish motive where I don't deserve anything so awesome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as not deserving an awesome life where I'm chill all the time and only become more and more chill the more I walk my process of self forgiveness and correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking a life of being chilled out instead of a life of hard work, where there from what I'm learning is a line where I can work hard until the work is no longer hard, if I run an hour every day it would be very very difficult at first, but in a year it might be easy, and in 2 years it might be chill, so then do I run even further, or do I just chill out and enjoy my accomplishment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be torn between choosing to push myself harder, or to only push myself as hard as it takes while I can still be chill.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the best thing to do is to push myself harder even if it takes me out of my chill zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being forced out of my chill zone where maybe I push myself out of my chill zone to help someone else, but then I'm miserable doing it, is it worth it?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about what's better to do in relationship to pushing myself vs chilling out where the only way to get to that answer is to just chill out in the first place and figure it out naturally and in time and application, where philosophy and thinking is not chill.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define chill as selfish because in chilling out you enjoy yourself and are content where I define suffering for other's and being in pain for other's as a good thing, even though it's self compromising.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself for other's instead of just chilling out as supporting myself as being here, present, living, expressing, just chilling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having too much power in being chilled out, where being chilled out is a good power because there isn't much responsibility to being chilled out so it is very supportive because requires no obligation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about chilling out if chilling out is something that just happens on it's own any ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear just chilling out and letting life happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself in a position where I'm waiting to become chilled out instead of focusing on the moment to moment living an interactions where the chill butterfly can be born in moment to moment breathe by breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming super chill and looking at what my life could have come to as illusion and misdirection and being totally unchill.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and hate myself for not giving myself the chance to be super chill sooner where I had to learn certain things and go through certain lessons to progress in my life and that's chill in itself.

When and as I see myself obsessing over the idea of chilling out, I stop, I breathe, I realize chilling out is something that happens on it's own and can't be forced, thus, I commit myself to focus my efforts and direction to what I can do in real time to support myself to work towards my goal of becoming chill apposed to just waiting for it to occur in the future.

I commit myself to face being chill, stable, breathing here, breathe by breathe in the moment instead of waiting for it to just occur in the future where I can't force it but i can support it by living breathe by breathe.