Desteni.org
Someone intervened in my process a week ago.
Someone reached out to me and pointed some things out for me.
For this I'm extremely grateful, but I also see and recognize it having occured as a responsibility, someone spoke to me and helped me recognize some things because of principle.
This connection made has been of incomprehensible value and support to me.
What was pointed out to me, was an indication of my isolation.
Recognizing my state of isolation over night became a magnificent shift in the momentum and opportunities available to me to walk process more effectively.
The main immidete shift I made upon recognizing and submitting to this point was that I was encouraged to read through Creations Journey and Heavens Journey to life blogs. Of which I had began to read through to some extent in the past, but certainly see why it's been recommended and even indicated to be necessary from different people I've already heard stated now during my rereading process from the day 1 beginning pages.
What opened up to me has been the most refreshing, reassuring, stabalzing, and genuinely agreeable point I've ever expressed up to this time in my life.
Isolation and arrogance has been my greatest downfall.
The times in my life where I've not spoken to those who may have offered help, not read and reviewed the material already laid available to me, was the most costliest choices most impacting my life and as well affecting others who I may have supported should I have stood taller sooner.
Isolation combined with arrogance.
I don't call myself arrogant out of judgement, it's more of a matter of fact, I can see how relentlessly sure of myself I've been in the face of every single possible source alerting me and even shouting at me to turn back to breathe slow down and be self honest about the decisions and directions I've taken my life, yet still no force on the planet seemed capable of subduing my certainly, a certainly of my free will, and my potential to cheat the system, to be smarter than everyone else by pursuing my own ideas of how process can be walked, I was not very smart in my actions, but was mistakenly extremely confident for no good reason beyond the ever convincing feeling of energy that I was accomplishing something and was going to do something great somehow, an energy that I just kept following and made my religion under the guise that I was going to somehow stop my mind and change through what I recognize now as just delusions, illusions, deception, taking the frame work idea of 'stopping the mind', 'walking process' and slapping those labels onto things which had absolutely next to nothing to do with process as walking self forgiveness as studying the material and working with others.
Isolation is the main issue in the sense that my arrogance of thinking I know better or have some clever idea to short cut my process could have been kept in check, had I cross referenced and referred to any number of people, blogs, from any number of Destonians, the recording through the portal who would have given me a rude awakening, which however embarrassing or uncomfortable for a moment, would be a needle in the haystack of the infinitly worse outcome I've allowed and accepted of my life to become entirely defined by.
So, a heinously perfect combination. It is so fantastic to be able to sum up my by far largest issues into 2 simple words. Arrogance and Isolation.
The pride I stand as now is the pride of finally coming to the end this long dragged out chapter. The pride of having learnt my lesson and getting to move forward to correct, to not permit myself or anyone else to fall into that trap.
Even in having returned to writing self forgiveness and attempting to engage with the Desteni community and material over the past 5 years, I still have remained plagued by this deeply cemented behavior and pattern and personality of arrogance and Isolation.
Where I trended and tended towards writing self forgiveness, but doing so mostly alone, even in blogging to share and express myself still so deeply defining myself and my ability to interact with others that I struggle to face anyone else, anything they've written, anything they may have to say. So again, 'returning' yet still on the outskirts, and still up until this past week actually trending towards yet another even deeper layer of isolation had someone not reached out a hand of support.
The mathematics as the equation I'm starting to see now is undeniably clear,
I inhibit myself by walking alone, by isolating, it allows my arrogance to run totally endlessly rampant.
So therefore like mathematics, I'm more effective for myself and others to an extremely large margin by engaging with others, reading and listening to others, sharing myself but not letting my own words over shadow that of others who will accelerate my process should I slow down and actually listen instead of just keep talking.
I want to broach this topic with some self forgiveness to ensure that this realisation I'm having is not forgotten by me or anyone I could theoretically support should they need to hear my story and know that someone already went there and is only becoming better for it nearly a decade later. It's not worth going alone, it's not worth tuning other out.
The last thing I want to mention before the self forgiveness portion is a little detail of the memory from the moment I chose to deny my responsibility and turnt my back on Desteni and self forgiveness and precisely what I accepted and allowed and now to this day suffer the consequences of.
I remember the exact moment I made the choice, I was going to try to stop my mind by 'breathing', which was not a reasonable idea to do in total isolation from all the other resources and process to walk with self forgiveness, although of itself would have been a good tool to have utilized, but not something I should have banked everything on in a moment of total fear inferiority doubt and desperation.
The moment this idea came to me, that I should make an attempt to somehow magically stop my mind without all the other established tools and methods I remember seeing something.
It's almost like I was so desperate and so scared of the difficulty and realness of walking process that I opened up what I can only describe as a deep layer of my mind which I cannot say I'd ever seen before.
It was like I could see a part of my mind, like actually see it, almost as if it was so close to being something I could visually see with my eyes.
Like I had in that moment made a deal with the devil, I in a state of fear and desperation pryed open a part of my mind that was very very deep like a clam shell and found this pearl inside of it.
I should have left that pearl where it was, accepted I wasn't ready to walk equally and correct what I had found, all I would do with this new creation of my mind of seperation was create an additional layer to my alternate reality I'm living as my mind consciousness system of smoke and mirrors.
So to this day I still see this weird thing moving inside of me.
I'm still stuck with it, I made it, it was my creation, my acceptance and allowance.
I even remember it now as a light, like a light had gone off in my head, I remember standing up and following the light, breathe in breathe out, to 'stop' the mind, which was really to suppress the mind, because nothing was corrected, everything of my mind and of my seperation grew stronger and more vicious.
So the mind didn't stop, it was supressed, it was smarter than I was in that moment and I accepted and allowed myself to be played like a pawn.
This rift inside of myself is so damn deep, it's here with me, I can say hello to it, morning, night, afternoon.
Breath by breath I can see it.
It moves inside of me like a wave, I can feel it, and I can see it.
Breath by breath I fucked myself over, I fucked my process and I fucked an incomprehensible amount of opportunity for myself and again others who I may have supported.
I'm here now, back to try again, and I bring along with me, as me, as what I've accepted and allowed, an abomination that I'm ever present and ever aware of.
I do not take a single breath without seeing how fucked I am.
This constant movement, this relentlessly never ending stream, in and out, I do not go a single breath without seeing it, feeling it.
I am thankful, that I will not live another moment on earth without seeing and feeling the consequences of what I have done in every single breath.
I can see there is no escape, there's no clever trick or silly method to evade reality.
The friction and conflict I've created through my moment of abuse in turning my back on my responsibility will be felt by me until the moment I die.
So breath by breath I see what MOVES inside of me as seperation!
Am I enlightened right now at this moment???
NO!
Because I see the movement, I feel the movement, all through my body I cannot go a moment without seeing it.
A clever way to check my enlightenment, and see I'm not enlightened in each and every moment,
So am I enlightened now...? Fuck no. I couldn't have a moment of truly being still should my life depend on it, and it does depend on it
Breath by breath I fucked myself as energy as mind as seperation,
So now I walk it in reverse, breath by breath stopping the movement, grounding the endless waves of seperation.
I am grateful that it is movement and a constant sense of being on a boat, apposed to pain, apposed to death.
So, that's what went wrong,
I tried to cheat from point A to point B, and now I get to laugh at myself, I get to laugh at the curse I've given myself until death.
I don't get to lie to myself about what I am 'accomplishing', either I'm still stuck stranded in the endless sea of waves which I experience every single breath every single moment, or I'm finally having found my way to life where surely oneself if still and here not trapped in and infinite current of energy mind seperation constantly fluctuating constantly in and aware of the motions of my mind of my energy.
So in specific detail,
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an additional layer of energetic prison for myself which however useful now and not painful for the time being is still representing my acceptance and allowance of an attempt to cheat the system and cheat myself and my responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not cross reference with other Destonians who could have alerted me to the failure of my idea being inevitable and save myself a lot of time spent getting back to where I started.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be arrogant in thinking that I was creating something special and unquie apposed to seeing that there's nothing special and unquie about process for real, everyone has to walk one and equal there's no special way out for me, just a special way to suffer and a special point I now must spend additional time correcting which may have been better spent elsewhere.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not write out self forgiveness to challange my new idea before letting it become that which would define my life as my prison sentence as my consequence I would live with until death.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to make a special circumstance for myself where I'd be able to achieve more than walking what is here and real and proven in the flesh.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel nervous still not seeing precisely how I'm going to correct myself as my creation as standing equal to what I created and correcting it where I created it breath by breath so I must correct it breath by breath using self forgiveness this time, using my cross reference through the material through other Destonians it is my responsibility now.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dare to challange death with yet another bullshit spiritual energy manipulation under the guise of it being 'stopping my mind' in 'my own special way' as if I could sneak that past death and life wouldn't somehow notice that I'm trying to decieve my way out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring my life into a question and challange what I was doing with furthering my energetic seperation from life due to continuously acting in a state of stubborn arrogance constantly stringing myself on to believe that something somehow would work end come from what I was doing only to discover what came from it was me poping out on the other side exactly back where I started with a new friend now to exist within me constantly reminding me of my seperation.
I commit myself to find ways to ground myself breath by breath to take this ever moving current of energetic friction as seeprstion and to return it to the earth and never again define process as being something they can be walked with manipulation of energy.
I commit myself to listen to other Destonians, to read what others or writing or staying to prevent myself from ever losing total grip on reality as I have in my state of isolation and supression.
I commit myself to breath by breath correct the seperation and physical abuse I've created through writing self forgiveness, living corrected actions as corrective application.
I commit myself to utilize all of my tools instead of zoning in on one single ability as the ability to breathe and attempting to value it over all others tools and references at my disposal.
I commit myself to utilize my shame over what I have become as my acceptance and allowance as energetic manipulation to motivate me and remind me to keep pushing to keep moving, to see I'm not dead yet, so I still have another breath another moment to keep attempting to correct and realign myself.
I commit myself to start my process over from here and to stand in ways I've never stood before.
