Day 277- unraveling supression

Investigate desteni.org

I've been speaking out loud a lot of my self forgiveness and correction, but I want to make the effort to take a lot of those times I'm speaking it out loud and instead to write it out where I know that if I'm wanting to relax and speak it out loud before I got to bed then that's one thing, but putting it all down on paper is something I need to make sure I'm putting effort to be doing.

I've been noting this experience I have where things are really dull, like I have a point that I want to work out, and I'm speaking the self forgiveness and it's almost like I'm on low battery it feel like, like I'm just going through the motions and I just want to get it over with so I can move on, so for that is why I'm thinking to put more emphasis on writing things out more where I think putting on paper will help, and also that I can always have it a goal to be writing things out as well as speaking them because it's just a way to put more into the self forgiveness.

Then even just points in general, it's like most the experiences I have through the day are very dulled down and suppressed, I've definitely done this to myself through the years I spent suppressing myself through breathing to walk my process instead of using self forgiveness.

Then there's through my day whatever it is, emotion, feeling, experience, perception, it's all mostly so dulled out like I'm hardly even interested or care about anything coming up in me because it's all so dull.

Then I had this idea about how my mind is all suppressed, it's not that it's stopped, this is something I've worked with before and am aware of within how it happened and some of the nature behind it, but this is the first time I had the idea of to make my mind intense and expressive instead of suppressed, but actually knowing how I would do it, and how it would pan out.

So, I'm not getting anywhere working with my mind when it's all suppressed, I need it to be running wild and making noise so that I can have something to actually work with instead of just constantly feeling indifferent and dull.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my mind instead of actually walking things out where my mind suppressed just makes it harder to deal with things because I'm too dull to be aware of how anything is affecting me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to stop everything within my mind instead of walking it out the way I'm supposed to where stopping just became suppressing not really addressing anything in a way that is substantial and will stick.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear releasing my mind where I need to release it at this point as reversing the suppression where I need to correct the suppression so I can work with things and not be so indifferent and dull constantly within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress things where I can't tell what there actual situation is instead of letting things play out in my mind as much as possible where then I can actually make sure things are being sorted out because if things go from very loud to stopping and not being loud then I can tell something is happening but I can't tell if something is going calm and quiet when it's suppressed because I'm not aware of it to begin with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let things be as wild and loud as possible within me so when I walk something out I've actually can tell because I have something to compare it to, where I can't compare certain parts of myself to anything because so much of myself is suppressed.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider how I can put my mind in a position where I'm allowing it to speak and then am actually listening where then I can write things out better where this has to do with how I learnt to suppress things instead of open them up and actually deal with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed by how loud I start to notice the song playing in the back of my head where it's so intense when I just let it play out and don't try to suppress it that I feel like I'm broken that I have this crack in the back of my head where this music is coming from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to direct myself to make my mind speak out so I can notice it instead of just trusting myself to be able to figure it out naturally without having to consciously mess with how I direct this effort within myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider how little difference in how I direct myself in each moment can have such a major affect on my life and my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear backtracking where I am being stubborn in doing things the opposite of how I have been directing myself where it's important I realize to try different things and to admit when something isn't working the best it could.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider that how I direct myself in each moment is not a complete part of how I walk things out where I can try directing myself in many different ways in each moment within myself but what ties it all together is the self forgiveness and correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to find a balance within myself where I'm allowing my mind to flow without giving into it outright, where with suppression you just shut down everything, but with just letting things play out I have to draw the line with what I'm directly participating with vs what is just occurring naturally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about what I'm doing and what comes up in my mind at all where the whole point is to write things out and deal with things directly in writing not trying to micro manage every single thought in my head.

When and as I see myself suppressing my mind from coming up, I stop, I breathe, I realize it's important to draw the distinction between stopping vs suppressing, thus, I commit myself to when stopping something within myself to be doing it directly and not based on separation, so when something comes up within me and I cannot directly unconditionally stop it to just leave it alone where I can't suppress it or hype it up I just have to let it run it's course and then take it to self forgiveness and correction.

                

Day 276- outlines/rabbitholes

Investigate desteni.org

Every day I need to be following my schedule for the day.

I need to challenge myself regularly in different ways.

When something like an big reaction comes up I need to be able to not think my way out, but to jist stop, breathe as centering myself 'I'm here I'm breathing'.

I have many points to work out, I couldn't think of them all, and that's the point that I don't need to think about them I just live them.

So that's my outline each day, I can't help anyone until I walk myself out, then as i sort myself out I can eventually become able to support other's through what I've walked, but that's a very long term goal, years down the road.

So I've got my outline, and I live that every day, but I still can't help but wonder back to the past where I was living a completely different outline, where my outline was to transcend my mind to become 'something', I wasn't using the tools I was shown but my own methods which I don't use hardly ever since recent months, where for a while my method of breathing and all the stunts I pull in each breathe lingered for a whole until i really dig into it into in self forgiveness and correction.

What still lingering is this presence like I'm still caught in that web, or I haven't totally resolved some things.

It's like I'm breathing in each moment, but there's still more to each breathe, energy moving in each breathe, each breathe I take os more then just a breathe there's still a lot of energy and mental things in each breathe.

So it's like I deal with things in real time, if I'm dealing with anger, I deal with it when I comes up, when I get angry, that's my moment of truth.

Then I think I'm looking at things like, can't I do more in each moment, why do I have to face things in real time, can't I face things right here in this moment?

Really what comes to mind is if I have the time to sit around doing more quantum bull poo in my mind then I have time to instead just to self forgiveness which is where it's at.

So it's like why dig into my mind trying to create more shitty methods of directing myself when I can just use self forgiveness in that time and then apply it in the real world while I'm out or at work ot whatever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I can imagine being more in each breathe, which I have done in the past where I have a very powerful imagination, but when it comes to living the imagination it falls flat because it's not based on real things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get caught up in each breathe where I can imagine myself being more om each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste time imagining who I could be in each breathe where it's what I do, what I imagine is just misleading me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine what I could do in each breathe where I could imagine growing wings but it simply does not happen, where I have imagined that in the past and try to grow wings, because that would be cool, but it didn't work, even thoihj I believed it very hard and imagined Very hard, it doesn't work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to not see that if I am imagining what more I could do in each breathe it's just an idea where then if I want I can take it to writing and try to flesh it out question it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that maybe there is something I can do in each breathe and am missing out on it, where maybe or maybe not I need to just write it out, maybe I'm right or wrong I don't know.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being disappointed if I find that there's no tricks to walking my process and that it is completely real time forgive and change in real time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judhe myself for going down the rabbit hole where I'm writing things out I'm being as specif as I can using my tools I'm being realistic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judhe myself for going back down the same rabbit hole I've been down before where it's a new process that is being walked and testing things out makes sense.

When and as I see myself fearing going down the rabbit hole as digging into an idea relating to my process, I stop, I breathe, I realize that it's reasonable to quest things and try things out as long as I'm using my tools and beinf self honest, thus, I commit myself to when I see myself wanting to go down a rabbit hole of testing a new theory or idea within my process to be practical, to not waste months or even years endlessly digging myself into my own mind, remember that I already have an outline to walk each day and that I need to focus on practical real world real time things first and foremost.

Day 275- preparing to be annoyed

Investigate desteni.org

I'm not annoyed right now, but I will be annoyed eventually, there are things that I know will annoy me, I know that there's nothing I can do to stop the annoyance once it has already happened, the only way to stop it completely is preparing for it now before it happens.

It could be anyone, or anything, or specific things that I know annoy me, I can't handle being annoyed anymore, I could live with it, but I'd rather just cut it out all together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myseld to judge myself for beinf unable to stop myself when I'm faced with something that annoys me very much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myseld to judge myself for not having the will to stop my annoyance in certain cases, where I realize without the right platfrom I'm hopeless to my annoyance in certain cases.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to expect myself to stop annoyance when something annoys me and I precive myself as being annoyed by something else, I hear or experience something and it becomes my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect myself to be able to stop annoyance of vertsin things when I experience the annoyance as real, as though it is a real part of exsistance which I cannot stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define annoyance as real, where when I get very annoyed within certain situations it's as though it's not me personally being annoyed and not taking responsibility for my reactions, it's that reality itself is exsisitng within me as annoyance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let annoyance become an existential provlem for me instead of just admitting that I can and must figure out how to root it back to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry when I get pent up and feel annoyance building up and maybe want to snap because I don't have any grip as any way to curve my annoyance and direct myself to stop it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not understanding the things that annoy me, where I don't need to understand annoyance from any point but myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look to other's to see why does this person annoy me, instead of, why do I allow myself to annoy mysekf in realitionship to this person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to be annoyed by other's when I don't want to cooperate, where I don't think it's fair I have to take certain responsibility or iniative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed with having to take responsability for myself in situations that I'm not prepared for or happy with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself for continuing to become worked jp and annoyed where to break down even one point of annoyance completely can take a lot of time and effort, and when I am covering so may different things, the consequence is not seeing everything through to completion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect myself to cut out annoyance within me all at once where I break it down a little see what I can apply, and then learn, live it, face it in real time, to give me real input to come back to, where how could I break apart annoyance all at once where the onlg way is to go back in and become annoyed again to learn.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed with my own body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed that I have to hey up in the morning when I really don't feel like getting up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed when I really want to reach for a goal, but really don't want to do the work required or oyut in the effort required.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed that I am uncentered within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming more annoyed instead of less, where that might be what is required, some points might lesson and some photos might still need to build up, but that's why I am preparing myself, because I identified annoyance as something that I predict happening to me on a regular basis.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed I have to do things when I'm tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed that it isn't fair I have to do things when I'm tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to be annoyed when I owe someone something.

When and as I see myself angry that I still get annoyed, I stop, I breathe, I realize I haven't invested half of enough time on any point of annoyance to really transcend it, thus, I commit myself to slow down breathe and direct myself to just stop annoyance and direct myself the best I can in the moment where I don't have to stop annoyance completely I can just do my best.

Day 274- super chill

Investigate desteni.org

I like the idea of always being chill.

To always be laid back, always going with the flow.

I don't think that there's anything I can do in any moment to be more chilled out, that would be actually practical, and not based on drugs like cigarettes or caffeine.

I think being chilled out is just what happens when I cut away all the waste and get down to my core, but I don't know.

I find myself getting through each day waiting for my life to snap into this chilled out mode, where everything will be cool for the rest of my life and I'll be permanently chilled out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the idea that the chilled out mode and permanently residing in the chilled out mode is made up, like a light at the end of the tunnel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that being chilled out for the rest of my life is just showing me how I always need some far of point to hope for or to wait for like a carrot on a string in front of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having the same sense of purpose if my idea doesn't come true where I become super chilled out all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how I value being chilled out all the time more then anything else for myself in my life where if I found that there is no becoming super chilled out that what's the point, where what I can do is use a little better wording to say that I already know that I become physically more comfortable and enjoy myself more the more I cut out the dead weight dragging me down as my current mind programming, so in that sense of becoming more comfortable and more content can be seen as equal to being chill, where you become so content and comfortable that you hit a higher level of content and comfort as being chill.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to force and rush being chill where I already know from hippy and peace and love archetypes in tv and media that you can't force being chill, you have to just let go and go with the flow, self forgiveness is letting go, and my corrections are the flow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my goal and purpose I give to myself to be chill is too good to be true, where I imagine just how nice it would be to progressively become more and more chill the further and further I walk my process, and I fear that there has to be some kind of self compromise or something I'm missing some selfish motive where I don't deserve anything so awesome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as not deserving an awesome life where I'm chill all the time and only become more and more chill the more I walk my process of self forgiveness and correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking a life of being chilled out instead of a life of hard work, where there from what I'm learning is a line where I can work hard until the work is no longer hard, if I run an hour every day it would be very very difficult at first, but in a year it might be easy, and in 2 years it might be chill, so then do I run even further, or do I just chill out and enjoy my accomplishment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be torn between choosing to push myself harder, or to only push myself as hard as it takes while I can still be chill.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the best thing to do is to push myself harder even if it takes me out of my chill zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being forced out of my chill zone where maybe I push myself out of my chill zone to help someone else, but then I'm miserable doing it, is it worth it?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about what's better to do in relationship to pushing myself vs chilling out where the only way to get to that answer is to just chill out in the first place and figure it out naturally and in time and application, where philosophy and thinking is not chill.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define chill as selfish because in chilling out you enjoy yourself and are content where I define suffering for other's and being in pain for other's as a good thing, even though it's self compromising.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself for other's instead of just chilling out as supporting myself as being here, present, living, expressing, just chilling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having too much power in being chilled out, where being chilled out is a good power because there isn't much responsibility to being chilled out so it is very supportive because requires no obligation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about chilling out if chilling out is something that just happens on it's own any ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear just chilling out and letting life happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself in a position where I'm waiting to become chilled out instead of focusing on the moment to moment living an interactions where the chill butterfly can be born in moment to moment breathe by breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming super chill and looking at what my life could have come to as illusion and misdirection and being totally unchill.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and hate myself for not giving myself the chance to be super chill sooner where I had to learn certain things and go through certain lessons to progress in my life and that's chill in itself.

When and as I see myself obsessing over the idea of chilling out, I stop, I breathe, I realize chilling out is something that happens on it's own and can't be forced, thus, I commit myself to focus my efforts and direction to what I can do in real time to support myself to work towards my goal of becoming chill apposed to just waiting for it to occur in the future.

I commit myself to face being chill, stable, breathing here, breathe by breathe in the moment instead of waiting for it to just occur in the future where I can't force it but i can support it by living breathe by breathe.

Day 273- my sleep process/reality of dreams

Investigate desteni.org

I have a hard time getting up, I get up as close to when I need to be up as possible, and sometimes I am late to where I'm supposed to be usually work.

It's gotten better after working on it and looking into it for so long, but it's still really bad off, where I feel horrible when I first wake up and feel like I want to sleep another hour or 2.

In some ways I see that the better I'm doing in my life, the more stable I am, the better it is to wake up, the more content I am, but even with that i have a ways to go.

My current plan to wake up is to as soon as I wake up, usually will be when my alarm goes off, and in that moment to then center myself, where I look and before I get up to make sure I'm stable and centered, and if im resisting going to work or desire to sleep more then to breathe and utilize breathing to center myself if I'm off balance.

That's the outline of my new plan for sleeping which I need to practice for a week or so, but then since I wanted to talk about my sleep then instead I want to talk about my dreams, dreams are very much related to sleep because dreams happen in your sleep.

There's something clicking when I think about it.

My sleep process is that I go to sleep as in laying down, then it's like I am very focused on breathing and shutting down my mind, because even if i just sleep for 4-6 hours that's a lot of time to just stop thinking, to shut off my mimd and let it all be dealt with when the alarm alerts me it's time to go.

So then within a matter of minutes after laying down and shutting my mind down, I'm out cold.

I fall asleep really fast and really hard.

Then I have wild dreams. Very detailed, dream like magical locations, very vivid. Always really intense snd immerse.

Then I'm awake, and if it's 30 minutes before I need to leave, I'll sleep for 25 more minutes which defeats the purpose of setting my alarm and planning to wake up at that time to begin with.

So it's interesting how there is a Trinity to my sleep, where I have the going to bed part where i have to shut off my mind, then the dream part, and then the waking up part.

I want to focus on the dream part because when I right now think about my dreams it's like I'm looking at another life I lived that I've forgotten about, it's like so amazing, but when I go to sleep I'm trying to shut my mind off and let my body relax I never have consciencely decided I'd like to dream it just occurs on it's own.

So I get all caught up in these fantastic dreams, then like a brick wall, I suddenly have to wake up, very contrast.

Like whiplash

So dreams as amazing as they are, the way they just occur out of nowhere and seem to be like another world, are just a very deep intense imagination experience.

So what if I command a message to myself in my dreams.

Where the moment I see that I'm dreaming to tell myself to stop dreaming and go back to resting where my mind shouldn't be running dreams while I sleep, sleep is sleep time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to live a life where I can't dream.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that i might ever have to givr up my dreams where my dreams are so grand and amazing, that it's like I'm torn between having the most amazing mind experience in sleep, and having the most amazing phsyical experience in being awake.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto whatever I can left of my dreams as my attachment to dreams when I have already made the choice that I would let go of my dreams and my attachment to them so the only time the dreams can catch me is when I give into remebering my dreams or while I'm actively asleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto my dreams because they are 'amazing', where it's amazing to feel and experience like I'm in a different world that is like the best ride ever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so surprised for years that it's so hard for ke to wake up where I can now see that look at what I'm being torn sweat from when I wake up, each day waking up is like being stripped of my fantasy world and being forced to live in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in waking up completely forget and ignore that I've been in a fantasy dream world without any self awareness, that's stripped me from being able to then natrually wake up because I've spent so much energy on this dream world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of my dreams where in actually looking at them now it's like something out of a sifi horror book or story where I could dream for the rest of my life and could be in a giant test tube or something, where I'm so deep into these imtrecidacte dreams that I might as well never even wake up and i would be totally indifferent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how much time and energy I spend on these magnificent beyond words dreams only to wake up have to face a world that had nothing to do with my dreams showing me my dreams are a complete spool of energy, a complete watse of my time and energy, but have high value to me, like paper money, where paper money practically is worthless but for making a fire or toilet paper, but value is placed on money, as I place value on my dreams because they are entertaining and fulfilling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value on being entertained and fullfilled for a moment in games and in dreams and in tv where this fullfillment is short and wasted, but to invest in myskef is long term fulfilling and is something o can actually share with other's, where my dreams I can hardly even share with myself, I can hardly even describe or remember them by the time I'm sale, and certainly can't then share them with other's very well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I know that my dreamd are nothing just an amazing elaborate con job, but that even knowing this I on some levels am very attached to my dreams and love to see what my next dream might be, like a new episode in a tv series.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that facing my dreams in this way as the most precise and meaningful way I have ever looked at my dreams will change the way i dream, where I might bring more self awareness to my dreams, and if I by any chance suddenly became aware I was dreaming I would have to decide to stay aleep or to wake up, like the red pill blue pill from the matrix.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the idea of being alone without my dreams and wishing they would come back but it being too lste to have them back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear brining attention toy dreams will scare the part of my mind that creates dreams by bringing light to it, and then it will stop making dreams.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that brining awareness in this moment to my dreams will not change my framing at all, and my dreams will simply mock me by moving forward like nothing happened, making me feel like I'm being taken advantage of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I'm being taken advantage of that I don't adk to dream it just happens where even though i don't directly ask for it I enjoy it so much that I desire it so it happens without even asking just though law of attraction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what my dreams say about who I am in exsistance and my life and everything surrounding me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my dreams being so grand has nothing to do with anything except that I lived in a stable home that have Mr a platform to dream because I had no burdens and even with pushing myself to work a lot and do something with my life I still deep down have no burden and thus can dream without burden or care.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as special because I have special dreams.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my specislness as limited to my dreams.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not instead take this special energy that I have that makes dreams and put that energy into something productive or useful, like dreaming up something that could be good for other's and then putting it to the test of real world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed that I care more about having special dreams for myself in my sleep, then I do about dreaming up something special that could help other's and making it real.

When and as I see myself attached to my dreams, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I'm already prepared to let go of my dreams and that the next step should be taking that energy i spend on dreams and putting it towards dreaming up ideas for to make good of life as better spend, thus, I commit myself to when I see myself dreaming or attached to dreams, to breathe and to look at my life and see what can I do for myself and other's what can I dream up for myself and the world instead of dreaming my own special fantasy each night.

Day 272- finishing things at work

Investigate desteni.org

I make dough at work and when I'm done I have to clean the table, and the dough mixer and I dread the cleaning up and finishing part.

I love making the dough I am usually by myself and can just do whatever, get into my groove, but then when I have to clean up it breaks me out of my groove.

My other job is dishwasher and I do the same thing there where when it's time to do the closing it takes me out of my groove, and I just would rather stay in my groove without having to clean everything and close things up.

It's a very specific thing, where it's become one of my last griefs at work, where everything else is pretty cool.

I think it has to do with the pressure to get things done and to get out, along with having extra tasks required to close things up then it takes to just jump into things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate closing things up when I'm done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate having to close up because there's a lot of pressure to get done quickly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to get done quickly by putting pressure on myself to just get out and be done instead of getting done quickly by focusing on what I'm doing and being effective.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel victimozed like, 'why can't some one else finish my job for me'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach myself to the part of my job that I like and seperate myself from the part that I don't enjoy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to get over my dread of finishing where I don't want to accept having to slow myself down and just focus on the task at hand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to have to slow myself down to correct my provlem where I want my provlem to just be resolved in speaking it out where I don't want to have to put in any more work into the problem then just spending it out right here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want my annoyance to be resolved but not willing to put in whatever work could help me to further things along, where I don't want to slow myself down while closing things up when I finish, but I want the dread and annoyance of having to do so to go away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I can't just get over this point and have to put extra effort into it then what that says about everything I write out where I write things out and expect results without having to put any more effort into things then that.

When and as I see myself fearing putting effort into slowing down to help myself not be annoyed and dreading shitting things down at work, I stop, I breathe, I realize writing things out can always help and can always be a starting point and is me being direct snf making effort, but that why I wouldn't want to put as much effort as I can, is a problem, where that's the entire point is to put in the effort when I see a problem, thus, I commit myself to focus on this point alome and not worry about what the repercussions are for how I approach things, but enjoy and accept the comparison as opening up a trivial points expanding into other things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I won't be able to slow myself down to focus on closing things up where after writing it out and committing myself to change wirhter I have to breathe or winter I just natrually slow down the only thing holding me back is my own will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let work crush my will, where when I hit a road block, it's like I've hit a real block within myself and have no will to just on the spot make adjustments and push myself harder.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have no will at work but for things to happen smooth and normal and work out for me othereise my will is demolished.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my will be crushed where the task of closing things and cleaning up when I'm done at work is not physically demanding it is completely me not having the will to be taken out of my groove and comfort zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for even having to write this out, like, thus is so simple, k enjoy my job, it's just one trivial element I'm clinging onto, why can't I just deal with it.

In this i see it's not just one element, it's a pattern, of anything that takes me out of my groove, snd does apply to other things where I have to do something out of my normal comfort and groove.

When and as I see myself judging myself for not being able to just have the willpower to do a simple task even though it takes me out of my comfort, I stop, I breathe, I realize this extends into many parts of my life where there's simple things I know I could enjoy and have no trouble doing, but because I'm taken out of my comfort zone I freeze up like I refuse to accept it, thus, I commit myself to instead of judging myself for not having the will to do the simple tasks of closing up, to instead look at how this problem extends into may parts of my life, and then to just slow down and breathe and do the task so that then it will extend into all other ways in my life I have this problem, where instead of judging myself, I just slow down, do the task without all the build up, to then support myself in all the other parts of my life where I shut down when taken out of my comfort zone.

So shutting down when taken out of my comfort zone is the key symbolic point, where I judge myself like it's such s simple task, but when I let go of judgement and look into it, I see it's a deeply seated issue that affect my entire life, so for this point I take it one step at a time, where tomorrow I'll have to clean up my station and this takes me out of my groove and thus my comfort zone, so that will be the first step to deal with the over all problem.

So instead of jumping to all the other ways I shut down when taken out of my comfort zone I focus still on what I have at hand as closing up my station and closing at the end of the night and cleaning up when I'm done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into this grumpy state where I experience myself slipping into this state of being like 'this is part of my job I don't like, I hate this part where I have to clean up when I'm done'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge it as easy to muster the will power to just slow down and clean up/close when it has gone beyond just willing myself ti change and has gone into my very personality and behavior where judgment does not adress the problem because in judgement I refuse to accept there is a problem and blame myself as the problem or the action itself as the problem where I'll try to get other's to help me clean or to do the job for me 'like this is not my problem'

Day 271- word consistency

Investigate desteni.org

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept inconsisten
cy because I have other things to deal with so I let some things slide and only remain consistent in certain parts of my life.

I forgive myself that o have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as not ready to be stable in all ways of my life, where I don't have to become instantly stable and consistent in everything I just need to work towards living that word the best I can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start smoking cigarettes immidetely after telling myself I'm quitting for good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drink energy drinks after I saw they weren't good for me and said I'd quit but decided i had other things to worry about then being consistent about energy drinks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remain consistent in my schedule where I blow off things I have scheduled when I'm tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to be consistent for myself where I'm always trying to step things up within my process but can't even handle the simple real world tasks that I give to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how my external inconsistency is equal to my internal inconsistency where it's like my outside os reflecting my inside where I feel inconsistent I can't find a consistent post to do re CT myself within each breathe just as I can't consistently act out the real world things I am supposed to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consistently not wake up at the right time when I'm supposed to be waking up at a certain time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do things for as long as I'm supposed to when I'm supposed to be studying and I don't do it as long as I'm supposed to where im not consistent with my plans.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel victimized by not being able to be consistent where I'm able to I just don't want to face the resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist consistency where I like things to br consistent, I like to be able to rely on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be inconsistent because no one can make me be consistent in my actions so I just do whatever I can get away with despite the consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define consistency as restrictive where I defined consistency as preventing me from freely doing as I please, and now that I'd like to be consistent I have already programmed myself a certain way in relationship to consistency as where the resistance now comes from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge consistency because I did not want to accept that I'm putting myself at a disposition in not being consistent where I want to see myself as being so great that i can do things as I please wherever I want and can still succeed, where that could be true that I can succeed doing things whenever I feel like it, but it's simply practical and realistic to be consistent, where I do things when I plan to, I have schedules, I put myself then in a position where I can rely on myself and can then build myself from that platform of consistency.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as beyond dicipline like I can figure things out without dicipline without a schedule without principles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be arrogant where all that mattered was that I saw consistently as being best, but have always tired to prove a point that I don't have to be my best for whatever reason.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use all or nothing as an excuse where either I'm totally consistent all in, or am totally not consistent, where of course I have to strive to be constent and won't be consistent all at once, I just have to push myself in that direction and keep trying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect to be consistent all at once in my living where I'm not giving myself the time to work towards my goals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define consistent as restrictive where what if i don't feel like or want to do things at a certain time and a certain way, where sometimes things come up, and you have to adapt, but it's the normal days where nothing is coming up, where id like to be consistent, to prove that I'll stick out my plans, my schedule, do things the way im supposed to even if I don't feel like it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be consistent when I don't feel like it, where the only way I'm consistent is consistently doing what I feel like without any discretion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself a consistent life to fall back on, where I can trust myself to do what I need to, where I might do something once and never follow through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say ill do a commitment, like I said with smoking or monsters, where I then feel good and accomplished, and will quit for a week, or just a day, and then immidetely return to the same pattern, where it feels good to say and state this is who im going to be, this is the life I now live, when it comes to the hard part, I never really cared to quit, I just wanted to have that moment of making that statement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make decisions, and make commitments without any effort or intention to totally commit where I then have no consistent point I can rely on to trust myself to take action in any way.

When and as I see myself facing the resistance of remaining consistent within my actions, I stop, I breathe, I realize that it's worth it, where giving into tiredness when I have things to do feels like it is worth it, but I know ir isn't, while getting ip and doing what I'm supposed to even if im tired doesn't feel like it is with it, but it is, thus, when I see myself not feeling like being constant in my plans and schedule I remember that acting on my feelings speaks for itself where there is no chance that things will work in my favor, but if I just try to be consistent as I can even if I don't feel like it then it will always work in my favor where im doing what ks best.

I redefine consistent as being able to rely on myself to do things a certain way, where consistent means that things are done in a way which can be relied on because things have been done a certain way do many times that it has become naturally nature.

I commit myself to live the word consistent by every day pushing myself to stick things out, to stick out my plans, my schedule so that then having done words like stability, and excuse and schedule, and now consistency I gain a very good arsenal or words to help me do all my tasks for each day, to get my writing and speaking self forgiveness done, homework, whatever else I have to do that day, so that I can lay down at the end of the day, knowing that I'm working towards something.

Day 270- mental order/chaos

Investigate desteni.org

What really takes me out of my breathe, what takes me out of the moment, is the experience of being chaotic inside, the experience of being unstoppable internally, where I cant handle every thing moving within me constantly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myseld to be taken out of the moment by how uncontrollable and chaotic my mind is where to control myskef snd give myself order is to direct myself in each moment where giving in is just giving up on changing and improving.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myseld to feel helpless to my mind where, in interactions with my world, in directing myself, in constantly trying to improve myself I am helpijg myself and the helplessness of feeling chaotic and uncontrollable is just a moment, and just a mental experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take mysekf out of the moment when I get caught up in the moment of feelijf chaotic within myself unable to control myself, where I could do anything, I could breathe, i could move, I could speak, I could be aware and drive what comes up within me, I could keep trying.
    
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into chaos when I don't see there being any more reason to keep trying, to keep walking myself out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into chaos where I don't think I'm walking my process right, so in chaos comes order where I eventually have to step in and create my own order when my mind becomes so chaotic I have no choice.

I forgot must that i have accepted and allowed myseld to define myself as not knowing how to walk my process in an orgainzed way, where I have to just try, where I sometimes there's order and sometimes there's chaos within me, I have to just keep trying one way or another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to over react with the experience of chaos for what is in reality just a moment, where things can become very orders or very chaotic in a moment, but it's just a moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to create order within myself where, there is ordered, just not the order I'd like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the order I have within myself as not good enough because it doesn't feel good enough, where feeling is not always what is effective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create chaos looking for a feeling of being effective and directive in each moment when that takes so mich time and dicipline that a moment is just a grain of sand in a big giant beach of sand.

When and as I see myself seeking an internal sense of direction as a feeling, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I create a major polarity of chaos/order in my search for directing myself in each moment, thus, I commit myself to instead of seekinf for a means to direct myself in each moment as a feeling, just direct myself in each moment to the best of my ability

Day 269- escaping into fantasy/not wanting to do paperwork

Investigate Desteni.org

Another day of feeling ok.

No feeling like the sky is falling for any reason.

I still need to work very diligently when I have good days like this, because they slip away very fast for any reason.

So, I take the good day, and don't get complacent, keep it good.

The more consistent I am at being stable the more I can breathe and focus on other things.

Working more on excuses, I make the excuse of not being diligent with my homework and responsibilities because I define sitting down to do paper work as boring, but I need to be able to just use it as a chance to quiet myself and just do what I need to do in terms ot paperwork.

This will continue to come up where I don't like to slow myskef down to do my paperwork in school, writing, documents, so that's not good because it shouldn't be a resistance to doing paperwork i should be able to just get my work done without it turning into a fight.

Some things just need to get done so, just take boring paperwork and turn it into something fun, or s chance to slow down, or it doesn't have to be anything, it just needs to stop being a big battle just to sit down and do paperwork.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate paperwork.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn sitting down snd doing my paperwork, in homework, writing, government legal work documents, into 'a chore that I hate'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sitting down snd doing paperwork at home as ' not living my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define doing paperwork at home as not living mh life, but I like doing school work when I'm at school so I see it's because when I am St home I define that as me wanting to crash on the couch and play games and zone out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being at home as my chance to gain some higer ascension through pleasure in videos and games and enjoying myself, where having to sit fien and do any work at home at all is a direct contradiction to this idea of my home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being at home as my chance to escape, like when I play a really immersive game, with the graphics and interaction in games now it really is like I've escaped from reality for a little while.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my home as my safe haven where I never really have planned into my future or had to really get my act together since the last couple of years and so it's still deep within me like, why cannot I go back into that escapist mind set of playing games and pretending reality won't catch up to me, and from there when faced with reality I would really lose my composure, I would try to levitate, or use telekinesis, or grow wings, or contact aliens, like there's no eay I have to actually face reality, but with self forgiveness it's not that hard at all if you just stick with self forgiveness so I think that helped me to ground myself when I've used self forgiveness through my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having what it takes to face my reality where I then associate being at home with where I try to escape.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define doing work as paperwork at home as bad because st home is where I need to try to escape from reality not accept it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myseld to try to escape reality at home taking advantage of having a stable place to live and function where instead I could use having a stable place to live and function to make a good life for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not sit down and do my homework because home is a place where I need to try to escape the truth not accept it.

I forgive mysekf that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept the truth of having to do things I would not prefer to do in my reality where I see that as degrading me.

When and as I see myself resisting doing my paperwork at home, I stop, I breathe, I realize at gome is where I get most of my paperwork done and that I need to stop resisting it, thus, I commit myself to do my paperwork without letting my desire to play games and watch videos and zone out as escapism distract me from building myself up by doing the things I need to do.

That all made me think about something, about my dreams and illusions, and experiences, and how I don't care about life, I just have viewed life as a vessel to have some great experience, but life needs to be a vessel to have the great experience of unity and oneness and doing what's best for ourselves, where I see to me that's just better, everyone being out for themselves to achieve their own personal great illusion isn't that great at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to not value a quality of life in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care if life is being lived to a high quality for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose an illusion as feelings and images as being more important then actually having a quality of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into illusion because it'll be really hard to fix things from how bad they have gotten.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize self responsability where things will be hard to fix as a whole but my job is to fix myself, to live in fixing myself in relationship to everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care how hard it is to fix myself where I have to make the choice now or later, and it's easier made now, so make the choice now, which is self forgiveness and correction, so make that choice, and living words too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and alloed mysekf to make things stupid and complicated, where there's what I realize in self honesty is best, and then there's what I can distinctly note kd not best, and it starts with a choice, admitting I am a problem.

When and as I see myself wanting to escape from what's best for me, I stop, I breathe, I realize I do not actually want to escape from what's best for me as life, thus, I commit myself to devote my life to cutting though the illusion and getting to the point where I continue to not let things build up, but stay ahead of things where I can do self forgiveness form a stable point before I waste my time giving into illusion.

Day 268- word: excuses

Investigate Desteni.org

I am destroying my life with excuses.

I am making my life miserable because I make excuses, I see what I could be, what I need to do, and I don't follow through I make excuses.

I make it very clear that I'm making excuses because I recite whatever excuse works at the time, 'I can do it later', 'I've done enough today', 'im not ready', 'it's better to wait'.

It's torture.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my life be a living hell where what i need to do is always just in reach and I just leave it there like it's a goal to work towards instead of something I simply figure out a way to do, to just move, to just do what I need to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make excuses to the point that I believe my excuses and don't want to accept what I've caused by making excuses for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how much the pressure has built uo where there are many things I need to do which I continue to let slide away through excuses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my life falling apart where I see what I need to do, but I'll find any way to not do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be petrified with fear where I'm terrified by how far I'll let things get out if hand before I take action and do what I know I need to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how I make excuses all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that there is no one who can stop mr from making excuses to not reach my best potential, and then go into blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for making excuses where blame becomes another excuse in itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to fear how I let things build up until it's cutting it very close and now it's harder then ever to do my responsibilities because I've let things slide for too long.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not help myself out by doing things the time I'm supposed to do them where I just keep cutting it closer and closer to a fallout where I've fallen so far behind where I need to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to be angry like, why do I keep doing this, just do things at the right time and stop fucking up and making excuses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowrd myself to judge myself where it's so simple just do the things im supposed to do the time I need to do them and it will be fine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make excuses when I'm tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make excuses when I'm stressed iut

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make excuses when I'm angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make excuses when soemthing unexpected comes up, like when I have something I'm supposed to do, but then someone wants to hang out, and I shouldn't be hanging out with someone when I have things to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use giving up as an excuse where I know I'm not going to just give jl so usinf that as an excuse just fucks me up where I try to convince myself that I've given up where I know im not actually giving up I'm just making things more difficult making up excuses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear im going to ruin my entire life with excuses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear im going to beg myself to take action to make my life better by doing thr things in support to, and I'm just going to ignore my better judgement and continue to play god with my life, as the god of fate, where I don't know if I'm going to succeed if I just keep living the word excuses every time I can, so i leave it to fate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how I don't care that I'm desperate I'm going to continue to be stubborn even if it kills me.

(Like how I need to rotate my tires, but I was like I'll just do it later, then I realized that's really fucked up, that's dangerous, I need to do that sooner then later.)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself make excuses where I don't think I deserve to rise above my limitation, where I don't want to rise above my limitation only to fall back down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysrlf to not just take action and stop making excuses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not find a way to stop making excuses, fight against myself, make it easier, make compromises but stick things out, just get it done, stop totally scrambling things when it's just a matter of sticking to my schedule and there's nothing complicated about any of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to panic at how I keep making excuses where I just need to start developing how I live this word, and that in reality I'm not in any danger except from being lazy and not seeing things through.

When and as I see myself panicking at how I am making so many excuses and it's all budikinngnuo, k stop, I breathe, I realize that I can start developing and living this word to stop by doing up this feeling of being dragged down snd not getting anything done, thus, I commit myself to begin developing the word excuses by seeing where I'm living the word and trimming it down, by living the word by not living the word, live the word excuses as living not making excuses, expressing the word excuse as little as possible, do what I need to do with as little excise as possible, take all the excuses I usually make, and cut them in half, every month, make half as many excuses until the amount of excuses I'm making is negligible.

I commit myself to live the redefined defenition of excuses as me making the choice to question what I see as my best potential, where I can only gamble on what I know is best so may times before it starts to catch up to me, where there's no need to gamble on the chance that an excuse will end up working better for me than actually taking action.

I commit myself to constantly look for how I'm making excuses and to correct my loving of the word by minimizing excuses as much as I can regularly, where j just need to get my foot in the door to push through the wall of excuses I've accumulated.

I commit myself to starting right now constantly improve my lvijng of excuses as minimum excuses.

Day 267- breathing natrually

Investigate Desteni.org

Everything is pretty cool right now.

So it's like an opening where I want to take initiative to keep things cool, because things get uncool really fast.

What I really want to work on is breathe, I spent so much time messing around with my mind in relationship to breathe, I always feel like I'm on the verge of going into my mind in relationship to breathe.

Like I have to constantly direct myself to not go into trying to control my breathe because it just messes things up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the need to control my breathe where I don't know what else to do with my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to direct my mind in breathing where without using self forgiveness at the time, nothing was really released and just became compounded.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uneasy where I constantly feel like I'm needing to direct my breathe even though it has always yielded the same results of just making things messed up even more within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel trapped where to just let go and let my body breathe on its own isn't completely effective either.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap mysekf within breathe where I can't direct myself to breathe and i cant let go and let myself breathe either.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to fear not knowing what to do with myself where I'm here breathing and in each breathe I'm trapped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences of trying to create myself in breathe instead of self forgiveness, where now I'm trapped and don't know how much it's going to take to fix the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the urge to breathe while feeling like I constantly mist breathe even though my body can breathe on it's own without my mind input.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force my mind's input onto my breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having no center where I cannot center myself because I always am feeling the urge to control my breathe and constantly having to manipulate to deal with this constant urge where I am breathing but I feel like I need to be more in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be more in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust my self forgiveness to walk myself out of the problem where I feel the problem is so deep it's beyond words, where it was created through nothing but words, 'this is what I'm doing, I think this will work, I'm doing it this way, I'm going my own way.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to manipulate my breathe to achieve my ego agenda of not doing things the way I was supposed to and then not ever stopping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear constantly having to distract myself from the constant pressure of needing to breathe as my mind like I feel like i'm not breathing correctly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by breathing through control as my mind and ego where I can't really remember how I existed before I tried to control each breathe where from my memory I can see I've always been trying to control myself in each breathe in a sense, I've always been directed by fear so I can only try to press forward from here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to create ego to navigate my world where I have lived for my own self interest where I didn't know any better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about breathing where it's not that I'm doing anything wrong physically in breathing it's that what I've created as my ego my separation creates a constant sensation within me which I experience as constant as my own breathe, which I experience more intense then my own breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame breathe where it isn't about breathe at all, it's about what I've created as a constant uneasiness a constant unstableness that I can't shake off, I can only develop self honestly, forgive, and correct through my words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having any way out of the problem existing within my soul where most of everything seems to be trivial where the best thing for me would to be doing nothing but self forgiveness, but it's also important to be exist in the world to challenge myself too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to unconsciously block my natural breathing pattern out of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go so deep into my mind that I fear not being able to ground myself and trying to ground myself in breathing but failing.

When and as I see myself feel the need to breathe I stop, I breathe, I realize that my body can breathe on it's own and needing to directive breathe is just a fear based defense mechanism of my mind, thus, I commit myself to when I see myself feeling the need to breathe directly as my mind to express myself as letting go of my defense as directing myself to not participate in the feeling like I must direct my breathe when I can breathe naturally without interference.

Now, sounding it out,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stifled by needing to breathe through my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel helpless where I can't release the constant feeling of being unaligned within myself in breathing where breathing should be grounding but I'm always breathing so I should always be grounded but it's not true.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to break away from my constant experience of being broken where each breathe is a conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to be stable where I always go off in my mind where I have no way to center myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to define myself as needing a center where it doesn't really matter if I'm centered or not.

I forgive mysekf that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to center myself in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to define myself as needing a center in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach myself to having a center where I see my problems as being that km not centered where I cannot center myself and blame that as being where my problems come from..

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define breathing as centering and what I'm missing within myself when im always breathing so I should then always be centered but I'm not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowing myself to not give myself direction in my mind where I see I need to direct my mind to support myself but don't know how to do that because I haven't given myself a good direction for how to do that.

When and as I see myself trying to center myself in breathe, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I doesn't matter if I'm centered or not, and that I just need to give my mind a direction, thus, I commit myself to give my mind direction when I see myself feeling in centered where the feeling is coming from my mind and just means I need to keep my mind occupied doing some kind of chore or activity.

Day 266- working on direct motion day-1

Investigate desteni.org

I found a lot of benefit in practicing being direct in all of my movement which can be direct.

Where if I'm walking to make sure I'm directly moving my legs one step at a time so
that I'm not just automatically walking, same with other movements, to make sure I'm the one speaking and moving directly.

Two things that changed from how I tried to plan things out yesterday was that I went ahead and wanted to start working on my posture when I'm standing or walking because I wanted to do that for a while anyways, so took the initiative to work on that today, and then blinking, I thought blinking would be way too tedious a thing to try to be direct over, but it's actually kind of fun, to direct myself to blink, it's sort of relaxing, but hard to focus on for very long.

Then, I got caught up on a few things like breathing, I didn't want to touch on breathe at all for the very reason that I've dealt with being direct in breathe before, and it works better from what I've seen to just let my lungs do their thing and not interrupt them.

But, I got caught up on it anyways because my mind just went there like I felt like maybe there's something I could have missed, and in the end what I saw was to just direct myself, to let my lungs breathe on their own, which was an appifinay at the time, but is basically what I've retrained myself to do after having tried to direct my breathe for many years and creating problems because of it.

So for because I want to keep working on this point, because it is very relaxing to work with movement on big and little scales, I do self forgiveness and correction to quantify what I'm working on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the moments where my technique of directing myself within my movement fell apart.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the moments where my technique feel apart where I feared that I was in the same pit I've been in before where my ideas are just in my head and not really coming through into my living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I'm repeating the past as failing in living an idea to the effect I desire where in this case me moving myself directly is not something that easily can get messed up in my mind where it's in motion, it's me moving so it's already based on a very physical reference point that's hard to screw up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear certain bumps in the road where I had to think about how things would work and play out where I think, if I have to think about this and don't already know what to do and am already living it then this is probably just a mind fuck and is not good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not knowing what to do with my mind in relationship to where it does take me out of my mind a lot to be focusing on doing things in a more direct way, but there's still plenty of energy and excess in my mind that is still not tamed just by focusing on my actions which still seeps in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to devalue my technique because it isn't a perfect fix to supporting me with my seperations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the ideas I've tried to live and create as bad and negative because they distracted me from what I really needed, and weren't being implemented as best as possible, as I see I used them, because I wasn't using self forgiveness, what I saw in self forgiveness was stuck within me, and I needed something to replicate it, so I would come up with endless streams of mental ideas to replace it, but there was no replacement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for creating random ideas to try to walk myself through my process in each breathe instead of using good old fasioned self forgiveness, where I appreciate my stubbornness when it actually is being pointed in the right direction, but when I'm so suborn that I won't consider the best option for me it is detrimental to my well being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my new idea of directing myself within my movement to the past ideas I've had out of fear that I will fail the same way I always have within my ideas being completely unable to be realized, where I'm now using self forgiveness so that I can fall back on that whenever I need to, and this idea is based in the physical there's nothing to lose except to learn better how to move myself around my reality.

When and as I see myself fearing that my new idea of directing myself within my movement will fail as the endless amounts of ideas I came up with to walk my process in my mind failed, I stop, I breathe, I realize using the word compare practically, this new idea does not reflect the way I use to live the word idea, and in some ways is the same, but shows how I've developed in how I can take an idea and actually manifest it, thus, I commit myself to when I see myself fearing that directing myself within my movement is foolish and will result in the same problems as it has in the past, I trust myself, because I see that I have come from the past into the present and have learnt since then how to actually live my ideas so that they aren't just me distracting myself from what I need to be doing.

Day 265- developing directiveness in movement

Investigate Desteni.org

Being directive while speaking is a lot of fun, it's nice to pit myself in a position where I trust myself to speak, and where I can see my faults in my words for what they are.

It's fun to be able to let loose and just speak when I'm being directive over my words, but when I let go and speak without being direct with myself as my words I can't trust myself to just let loose and speak because I know where my words will go is not a place I ever want them to, it's automated to go to places of blame and spite so instead i would rather be directive so I can direct my words to ensure I don't speak or live those kinds of words.

I have tried to change how I live and move myself within my movement as well, over time, I tried to make my body move on it's own before, like one day I questioned why I had to be me and couldn't just shut my conscience off and let my body exist like a zombie, which didn't work exactly as I imagined, but it did make me wonder about movement when I scratch my head automatically, when I look around with my eyes automatically, where I walk in a almost scripted automatic way, where I think of the words I want to type and I just make my finger type automatically with little thinning or effort.

So when I see that I can tell when I speak unaware unconsciously, vs when I make sure I'm being directive when i speak and when I speak that I'm not speaking out of unconscious reaction, I wonder how I can extend the same concept to physical movement of any type.

I think why I've struggled with this point is that I haven't put it into words and have only toyed with different ideas in my head, and that I'm not recognizing how taking the entirety of my psychical movement takes more effort to direct then just my words, so could take a lot more time to develop.

Breathing directly right off the bat I have toyed with for a long time, and how I see it is that I just let my body breathe and am standing in awareness of my body breathing but not interfering or trying to direct it as of late.

So it wouldn't be directing internally, like I wouldn't direct myself to digest my food, or to breathe, but it would be more surface level stuff, like when I walk, type or write, do dishes at work, roll dough at work, how I stand is something like good posture, where I look with my eyes.

Still a lot of stuff, some things better divided to not overwhelm myself, like posture might stand on it's own section.

And even how I would write out and forgive such a point, idk.

I commit myself to begin developing self direction in each movement I make as based around my success in developing self direction in my words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be directive over my movement where I'm waiting for something to start clicking within me that will resolve my stress and anxiety, where I let my mind effectively move my body in hoping that my mind will resolve my problem if I let my mind direct me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be directive over my movement where my movement can be directed by my mind at any moment where I have seen the same problem in speaking and the answer is to just pick myself back up and to not give up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear existing as a being that moves and does things and stays things and having to be responsible for said moving, doing, saying, where that is a lot to account for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the degree I must be accountable where I see otherwise it's just consequences where if I don't direct myself to drive in the correct lane of traffic I can die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being in a constant state of self directiveness where I like to let myself go and go into dreams and distraction and just cease to exist as little as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to start commit to directing myself within each movement and each word where I judge myself for still not having completed other task and development for myself that I want to work on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in being direct with my words and actions is the best starting point to do anything, where the big word I'm working with lately is schedule where I'm constantly looking at how to perfect myself and live a dictated schedule each day, and I fall flat a lot as I am taking kn the biggest push to live this word yet, I see that directing my action as my movement can help to direct me to not let myself fall asleep early but to instead direct my movement to the chair or spot where my schedule is dictated that I go to.

The thing about going to sleep early, about eye movement being specifically mentioned as something that represents how I can be directive no matter where I am or what I'm doing, where that clicks in my head, if I'm in bed, and am not moving, the only things I would most focus on are twitches, rolling over where you roll over to the other side of the bed or the other side of your back, or eye movement.

Then there's the click to REM, rapid eye movement, where in sleep your eyes are unconsciously moving around rapidly, to be directive over even where my eyes look, through the day, and before sleep then tied into sleep itself, which ties into me having more energy to perfect my schedule and not go to be early.

I find not caring about a lot of points that come up where, there are still focus points that I struggle with, but I see that if I just direct myself that they go away without too much struggle very often, so directing myself within my movement then help me be more directing myself to stop the points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stepping into a new dimension of my process where what if it's another dead end of something that isn't as productive as I hope it will be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed when my ideas don't have the desired effect, where sometimes they do, and sometimes they don't, but no matter what as long as I keep applying myself i am successful where it's good to test and see what does and doesn't work, where I try different ideas and see what is effective and what doesn't work the way I expect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up when I see myself not being directive over myself and my actions where it's easier to just give up then recognize my faults and try improve.

That ironically ties into a lot of what I've faced in giving up and having to pick myself up and try again when o hit dead ends until something snaps me out of my trance.

I think this could be the point to step things up to another gear for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking things up to the next gear where that means I don't flake on challenges, or responsibility, or go to bed early and not do the things im supposed to, so it makes things harder in some way, but also could give me the energy I need to make things easier, despite being harder, where my mind won't chew up all the energy I have in each step I take and the reward will trickle down into my entire life.

I've seen so many things seep into the cracks within me, like toxin slipping into the cracks in my body, but with my new method of self expression as being directive within my movement ad much as I can, in taking back my words and actions to myself, I can catch all the stray points too trivial to write out, like having a net to catch the stuff that slips past my capacity.

I'll be able to better interact with other's, and to better do everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the birthing stage of my new idea where I won't immidetely be perfect within directing myself completely, where there are still points to specify, and time to practice in application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear over complicating the simplicity in movement where if it is so simple to move myself all day the way I do, why am I always so tired, so miserable, so weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the ramifications of what this says about other parts of myself like what it means about how I should direct my mind where I see that I'm overcomplicated things on my own, where some things still need to trickle down, to get the answer through time, through seeking the answer in time, in attracting the answer to myself where I take things one point at a time no over complication things.

Ok, when and as I catch myself not being direct within any action or word I'm directly doing, I stop, I breathe, I realize I'm fucked and I need to take on more within myself, where I'm getting sucked down in my life, thus, I commit myself to step things into next gear, by being as directive over everything I move within myself and speak as myself as much as possible.

Walking, I am the one walking

Talking, I am the one talking

Blinking, I probably won't bother with blinking because that would be more advanced right now.

Looking, I am the one looking.

Breathing, I might toy around with breathing again but probably just do what I gave been doing which I took a long time to develop and am happy with as letting myself breathe naturally.

Itching, the impulse to itch or scratch or twitch happens fast, but I can catch myself in the middle of the action and take over from there, so it is my itch, my scratch, my twitch.

One other thing, hand work, like what I am normally doing at work, dishes, rolling dough, bussing or taking out food, typing, writing, I do those things, even if I have to catch myself in the middle of them because they are impulsive things.

I take these things. And I do these things, I do the things, me, all the things, I take them from now until I change or come to a different approach. I do the things.

I do the things.

I do the things.

I do the things, without question, the things will be done.

I will do the things, and there will be no challenge, i see the thing and I do it.

I do the things until I die.

I do the things, I do the things, I do the things without question.

I do the things on principle, I do the things as life.

Day 264- fulfillment through friends

Investigate desteni.org

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by adding friends to my collection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for a special accessory as a special friend who would fulfill me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek friends to complete me instead of learning from friends and interacting and learning about relationships instead of using friends to complete my identity of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as someone who has friends to make myself feel better where friend's can't do much for each other when me or my friend I'd not taking care of themselves first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad for using friends to complete me where I didn't really care about my friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make friends where I wasn't comfortable around other's and wanted to make myself comfortable by making friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make friends where I felt incomplete alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make friends where I wish I had just kept to myself, where I compromise my integrity to make myself feel complete where I felt I was not complete without friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to play with friends where I wish I had instead kept to myself and had developed myself where i wasted my time with friends as an accessory and distraction just like any other entertainment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having focused more on self improvement where I could have used friends as a form of self improvement but instead try to entertain my friends do I can hold onto them and keep them as friends by keeping them happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my integrity by trying to keep other's entertained and being fun and making people laugh where I wish i hadn't bothered and just seen that a relationship where I have to compromise myself isn't worth it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear wasting my time with friends, where I would have and did waste more time doing other things like playing games or watching TV.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for wasting time on compromising relationships where keeping other's entertained and seeking others to fulfill me is an obvious problem in retrospect but how I felt unfulfilled to begin with and would spend even more time just wasting away playing games and watching TV is more focused on me as the real problem but I don't see how wasting away not doing anything was a problem at the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself by never looking into my future or caring what I would do with my life or what i needed to do to prepare myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not planning into my future where I needed guidance and couldn't have online at the time that my future was completely uncertain and at risk of being destroyed in any number of ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel nervous around my friends where I knew I wasn't really expressing myself the way I'd like to and knew I wasn't happy about my relationship to my friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to feel like I'm at a dead end when I used to spend time with my friends just to try to keep them when I would then go on just to seek out new friends where none of it ever mattered and I never looked to myself to see what I was trying to accomplish.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for wasting my time trying to achieve something through friendship where my interactions with friends taught me more about myself then playing games or watching TV, so the fact that I persecute mysel
f for spending time with other people just because I'm unsure of my motives is off when I would waste more time watching TV and games and accomplish much less where I wasn't even going out and seeing real people.

I forgive mysekf that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for getting myself entwined in other people's lives and affairs where it's better then not going out at all and not seeing other people and what other's are going through.

When and as I see myself judging myself for wasting time on relationships which I only compromised myself, I stop, I breathe, I realize even if I compromised myself to keep my relationships in tact it is better then not having gone out at all and not having learnt more about the world and the propel who live in it, thus, when i see myself compromising myself in relationship to other's to see how it's better to not be out in the world at all, and to then look at who would I be if I didn't have others to challenge me, where I know it's food that I've been challenged.