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What really takes me out of my breathe, what takes me out of the moment, is the experience of being chaotic inside, the experience of being unstoppable internally, where I cant handle every thing moving within me constantly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myseld to be taken out of the moment by how uncontrollable and chaotic my mind is where to control myskef snd give myself order is to direct myself in each moment where giving in is just giving up on changing and improving.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myseld to feel helpless to my mind where, in interactions with my world, in directing myself, in constantly trying to improve myself I am helpijg myself and the helplessness of feeling chaotic and uncontrollable is just a moment, and just a mental experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take mysekf out of the moment when I get caught up in the moment of feelijf chaotic within myself unable to control myself, where I could do anything, I could breathe, i could move, I could speak, I could be aware and drive what comes up within me, I could keep trying.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into chaos when I don't see there being any more reason to keep trying, to keep walking myself out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into chaos where I don't think I'm walking my process right, so in chaos comes order where I eventually have to step in and create my own order when my mind becomes so chaotic I have no choice.
I forgot must that i have accepted and allowed myseld to define myself as not knowing how to walk my process in an orgainzed way, where I have to just try, where I sometimes there's order and sometimes there's chaos within me, I have to just keep trying one way or another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to over react with the experience of chaos for what is in reality just a moment, where things can become very orders or very chaotic in a moment, but it's just a moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to create order within myself where, there is ordered, just not the order I'd like.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the order I have within myself as not good enough because it doesn't feel good enough, where feeling is not always what is effective.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create chaos looking for a feeling of being effective and directive in each moment when that takes so mich time and dicipline that a moment is just a grain of sand in a big giant beach of sand.
When and as I see myself seeking an internal sense of direction as a feeling, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I create a major polarity of chaos/order in my search for directing myself in each moment, thus, I commit myself to instead of seekinf for a means to direct myself in each moment as a feeling, just direct myself in each moment to the best of my ability
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