Day 274- super chill

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I like the idea of always being chill.

To always be laid back, always going with the flow.

I don't think that there's anything I can do in any moment to be more chilled out, that would be actually practical, and not based on drugs like cigarettes or caffeine.

I think being chilled out is just what happens when I cut away all the waste and get down to my core, but I don't know.

I find myself getting through each day waiting for my life to snap into this chilled out mode, where everything will be cool for the rest of my life and I'll be permanently chilled out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the idea that the chilled out mode and permanently residing in the chilled out mode is made up, like a light at the end of the tunnel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that being chilled out for the rest of my life is just showing me how I always need some far of point to hope for or to wait for like a carrot on a string in front of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having the same sense of purpose if my idea doesn't come true where I become super chilled out all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how I value being chilled out all the time more then anything else for myself in my life where if I found that there is no becoming super chilled out that what's the point, where what I can do is use a little better wording to say that I already know that I become physically more comfortable and enjoy myself more the more I cut out the dead weight dragging me down as my current mind programming, so in that sense of becoming more comfortable and more content can be seen as equal to being chill, where you become so content and comfortable that you hit a higher level of content and comfort as being chill.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to force and rush being chill where I already know from hippy and peace and love archetypes in tv and media that you can't force being chill, you have to just let go and go with the flow, self forgiveness is letting go, and my corrections are the flow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my goal and purpose I give to myself to be chill is too good to be true, where I imagine just how nice it would be to progressively become more and more chill the further and further I walk my process, and I fear that there has to be some kind of self compromise or something I'm missing some selfish motive where I don't deserve anything so awesome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as not deserving an awesome life where I'm chill all the time and only become more and more chill the more I walk my process of self forgiveness and correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking a life of being chilled out instead of a life of hard work, where there from what I'm learning is a line where I can work hard until the work is no longer hard, if I run an hour every day it would be very very difficult at first, but in a year it might be easy, and in 2 years it might be chill, so then do I run even further, or do I just chill out and enjoy my accomplishment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be torn between choosing to push myself harder, or to only push myself as hard as it takes while I can still be chill.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the best thing to do is to push myself harder even if it takes me out of my chill zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being forced out of my chill zone where maybe I push myself out of my chill zone to help someone else, but then I'm miserable doing it, is it worth it?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about what's better to do in relationship to pushing myself vs chilling out where the only way to get to that answer is to just chill out in the first place and figure it out naturally and in time and application, where philosophy and thinking is not chill.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define chill as selfish because in chilling out you enjoy yourself and are content where I define suffering for other's and being in pain for other's as a good thing, even though it's self compromising.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself for other's instead of just chilling out as supporting myself as being here, present, living, expressing, just chilling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having too much power in being chilled out, where being chilled out is a good power because there isn't much responsibility to being chilled out so it is very supportive because requires no obligation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about chilling out if chilling out is something that just happens on it's own any ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear just chilling out and letting life happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself in a position where I'm waiting to become chilled out instead of focusing on the moment to moment living an interactions where the chill butterfly can be born in moment to moment breathe by breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming super chill and looking at what my life could have come to as illusion and misdirection and being totally unchill.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and hate myself for not giving myself the chance to be super chill sooner where I had to learn certain things and go through certain lessons to progress in my life and that's chill in itself.

When and as I see myself obsessing over the idea of chilling out, I stop, I breathe, I realize chilling out is something that happens on it's own and can't be forced, thus, I commit myself to focus my efforts and direction to what I can do in real time to support myself to work towards my goal of becoming chill apposed to just waiting for it to occur in the future.

I commit myself to face being chill, stable, breathing here, breathe by breathe in the moment instead of waiting for it to just occur in the future where I can't force it but i can support it by living breathe by breathe.