Day 273- my sleep process/reality of dreams

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I have a hard time getting up, I get up as close to when I need to be up as possible, and sometimes I am late to where I'm supposed to be usually work.

It's gotten better after working on it and looking into it for so long, but it's still really bad off, where I feel horrible when I first wake up and feel like I want to sleep another hour or 2.

In some ways I see that the better I'm doing in my life, the more stable I am, the better it is to wake up, the more content I am, but even with that i have a ways to go.

My current plan to wake up is to as soon as I wake up, usually will be when my alarm goes off, and in that moment to then center myself, where I look and before I get up to make sure I'm stable and centered, and if im resisting going to work or desire to sleep more then to breathe and utilize breathing to center myself if I'm off balance.

That's the outline of my new plan for sleeping which I need to practice for a week or so, but then since I wanted to talk about my sleep then instead I want to talk about my dreams, dreams are very much related to sleep because dreams happen in your sleep.

There's something clicking when I think about it.

My sleep process is that I go to sleep as in laying down, then it's like I am very focused on breathing and shutting down my mind, because even if i just sleep for 4-6 hours that's a lot of time to just stop thinking, to shut off my mimd and let it all be dealt with when the alarm alerts me it's time to go.

So then within a matter of minutes after laying down and shutting my mind down, I'm out cold.

I fall asleep really fast and really hard.

Then I have wild dreams. Very detailed, dream like magical locations, very vivid. Always really intense snd immerse.

Then I'm awake, and if it's 30 minutes before I need to leave, I'll sleep for 25 more minutes which defeats the purpose of setting my alarm and planning to wake up at that time to begin with.

So it's interesting how there is a Trinity to my sleep, where I have the going to bed part where i have to shut off my mind, then the dream part, and then the waking up part.

I want to focus on the dream part because when I right now think about my dreams it's like I'm looking at another life I lived that I've forgotten about, it's like so amazing, but when I go to sleep I'm trying to shut my mind off and let my body relax I never have consciencely decided I'd like to dream it just occurs on it's own.

So I get all caught up in these fantastic dreams, then like a brick wall, I suddenly have to wake up, very contrast.

Like whiplash

So dreams as amazing as they are, the way they just occur out of nowhere and seem to be like another world, are just a very deep intense imagination experience.

So what if I command a message to myself in my dreams.

Where the moment I see that I'm dreaming to tell myself to stop dreaming and go back to resting where my mind shouldn't be running dreams while I sleep, sleep is sleep time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to live a life where I can't dream.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that i might ever have to givr up my dreams where my dreams are so grand and amazing, that it's like I'm torn between having the most amazing mind experience in sleep, and having the most amazing phsyical experience in being awake.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto whatever I can left of my dreams as my attachment to dreams when I have already made the choice that I would let go of my dreams and my attachment to them so the only time the dreams can catch me is when I give into remebering my dreams or while I'm actively asleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto my dreams because they are 'amazing', where it's amazing to feel and experience like I'm in a different world that is like the best ride ever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so surprised for years that it's so hard for ke to wake up where I can now see that look at what I'm being torn sweat from when I wake up, each day waking up is like being stripped of my fantasy world and being forced to live in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in waking up completely forget and ignore that I've been in a fantasy dream world without any self awareness, that's stripped me from being able to then natrually wake up because I've spent so much energy on this dream world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of my dreams where in actually looking at them now it's like something out of a sifi horror book or story where I could dream for the rest of my life and could be in a giant test tube or something, where I'm so deep into these imtrecidacte dreams that I might as well never even wake up and i would be totally indifferent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how much time and energy I spend on these magnificent beyond words dreams only to wake up have to face a world that had nothing to do with my dreams showing me my dreams are a complete spool of energy, a complete watse of my time and energy, but have high value to me, like paper money, where paper money practically is worthless but for making a fire or toilet paper, but value is placed on money, as I place value on my dreams because they are entertaining and fulfilling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value on being entertained and fullfilled for a moment in games and in dreams and in tv where this fullfillment is short and wasted, but to invest in myskef is long term fulfilling and is something o can actually share with other's, where my dreams I can hardly even share with myself, I can hardly even describe or remember them by the time I'm sale, and certainly can't then share them with other's very well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I know that my dreamd are nothing just an amazing elaborate con job, but that even knowing this I on some levels am very attached to my dreams and love to see what my next dream might be, like a new episode in a tv series.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that facing my dreams in this way as the most precise and meaningful way I have ever looked at my dreams will change the way i dream, where I might bring more self awareness to my dreams, and if I by any chance suddenly became aware I was dreaming I would have to decide to stay aleep or to wake up, like the red pill blue pill from the matrix.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the idea of being alone without my dreams and wishing they would come back but it being too lste to have them back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear brining attention toy dreams will scare the part of my mind that creates dreams by bringing light to it, and then it will stop making dreams.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that brining awareness in this moment to my dreams will not change my framing at all, and my dreams will simply mock me by moving forward like nothing happened, making me feel like I'm being taken advantage of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I'm being taken advantage of that I don't adk to dream it just happens where even though i don't directly ask for it I enjoy it so much that I desire it so it happens without even asking just though law of attraction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what my dreams say about who I am in exsistance and my life and everything surrounding me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my dreams being so grand has nothing to do with anything except that I lived in a stable home that have Mr a platform to dream because I had no burdens and even with pushing myself to work a lot and do something with my life I still deep down have no burden and thus can dream without burden or care.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as special because I have special dreams.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my specislness as limited to my dreams.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not instead take this special energy that I have that makes dreams and put that energy into something productive or useful, like dreaming up something that could be good for other's and then putting it to the test of real world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed that I care more about having special dreams for myself in my sleep, then I do about dreaming up something special that could help other's and making it real.

When and as I see myself attached to my dreams, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I'm already prepared to let go of my dreams and that the next step should be taking that energy i spend on dreams and putting it towards dreaming up ideas for to make good of life as better spend, thus, I commit myself to when I see myself dreaming or attached to dreams, to breathe and to look at my life and see what can I do for myself and other's what can I dream up for myself and the world instead of dreaming my own special fantasy each night.