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Being directive while speaking is a lot of fun, it's nice to pit myself in a position where I trust myself to speak, and where I can see my faults in my words for what they are.
It's fun to be able to let loose and just speak when I'm being directive over my words, but when I let go and speak without being direct with myself as my words I can't trust myself to just let loose and speak because I know where my words will go is not a place I ever want them to, it's automated to go to places of blame and spite so instead i would rather be directive so I can direct my words to ensure I don't speak or live those kinds of words.
I have tried to change how I live and move myself within my movement as well, over time, I tried to make my body move on it's own before, like one day I questioned why I had to be me and couldn't just shut my conscience off and let my body exist like a zombie, which didn't work exactly as I imagined, but it did make me wonder about movement when I scratch my head automatically, when I look around with my eyes automatically, where I walk in a almost scripted automatic way, where I think of the words I want to type and I just make my finger type automatically with little thinning or effort.
So when I see that I can tell when I speak unaware unconsciously, vs when I make sure I'm being directive when i speak and when I speak that I'm not speaking out of unconscious reaction, I wonder how I can extend the same concept to physical movement of any type.
I think why I've struggled with this point is that I haven't put it into words and have only toyed with different ideas in my head, and that I'm not recognizing how taking the entirety of my psychical movement takes more effort to direct then just my words, so could take a lot more time to develop.
Breathing directly right off the bat I have toyed with for a long time, and how I see it is that I just let my body breathe and am standing in awareness of my body breathing but not interfering or trying to direct it as of late.
So it wouldn't be directing internally, like I wouldn't direct myself to digest my food, or to breathe, but it would be more surface level stuff, like when I walk, type or write, do dishes at work, roll dough at work, how I stand is something like good posture, where I look with my eyes.
Still a lot of stuff, some things better divided to not overwhelm myself, like posture might stand on it's own section.
And even how I would write out and forgive such a point, idk.
I commit myself to begin developing self direction in each movement I make as based around my success in developing self direction in my words.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be directive over my movement where I'm waiting for something to start clicking within me that will resolve my stress and anxiety, where I let my mind effectively move my body in hoping that my mind will resolve my problem if I let my mind direct me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be directive over my movement where my movement can be directed by my mind at any moment where I have seen the same problem in speaking and the answer is to just pick myself back up and to not give up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear existing as a being that moves and does things and stays things and having to be responsible for said moving, doing, saying, where that is a lot to account for.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the degree I must be accountable where I see otherwise it's just consequences where if I don't direct myself to drive in the correct lane of traffic I can die.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being in a constant state of self directiveness where I like to let myself go and go into dreams and distraction and just cease to exist as little as possible.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to start commit to directing myself within each movement and each word where I judge myself for still not having completed other task and development for myself that I want to work on.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in being direct with my words and actions is the best starting point to do anything, where the big word I'm working with lately is schedule where I'm constantly looking at how to perfect myself and live a dictated schedule each day, and I fall flat a lot as I am taking kn the biggest push to live this word yet, I see that directing my action as my movement can help to direct me to not let myself fall asleep early but to instead direct my movement to the chair or spot where my schedule is dictated that I go to.
The thing about going to sleep early, about eye movement being specifically mentioned as something that represents how I can be directive no matter where I am or what I'm doing, where that clicks in my head, if I'm in bed, and am not moving, the only things I would most focus on are twitches, rolling over where you roll over to the other side of the bed or the other side of your back, or eye movement.
Then there's the click to REM, rapid eye movement, where in sleep your eyes are unconsciously moving around rapidly, to be directive over even where my eyes look, through the day, and before sleep then tied into sleep itself, which ties into me having more energy to perfect my schedule and not go to be early.
I find not caring about a lot of points that come up where, there are still focus points that I struggle with, but I see that if I just direct myself that they go away without too much struggle very often, so directing myself within my movement then help me be more directing myself to stop the points.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stepping into a new dimension of my process where what if it's another dead end of something that isn't as productive as I hope it will be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed when my ideas don't have the desired effect, where sometimes they do, and sometimes they don't, but no matter what as long as I keep applying myself i am successful where it's good to test and see what does and doesn't work, where I try different ideas and see what is effective and what doesn't work the way I expect.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up when I see myself not being directive over myself and my actions where it's easier to just give up then recognize my faults and try improve.
That ironically ties into a lot of what I've faced in giving up and having to pick myself up and try again when o hit dead ends until something snaps me out of my trance.
I think this could be the point to step things up to another gear for me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking things up to the next gear where that means I don't flake on challenges, or responsibility, or go to bed early and not do the things im supposed to, so it makes things harder in some way, but also could give me the energy I need to make things easier, despite being harder, where my mind won't chew up all the energy I have in each step I take and the reward will trickle down into my entire life.
I've seen so many things seep into the cracks within me, like toxin slipping into the cracks in my body, but with my new method of self expression as being directive within my movement ad much as I can, in taking back my words and actions to myself, I can catch all the stray points too trivial to write out, like having a net to catch the stuff that slips past my capacity.
I'll be able to better interact with other's, and to better do everything.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the birthing stage of my new idea where I won't immidetely be perfect within directing myself completely, where there are still points to specify, and time to practice in application.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear over complicating the simplicity in movement where if it is so simple to move myself all day the way I do, why am I always so tired, so miserable, so weak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the ramifications of what this says about other parts of myself like what it means about how I should direct my mind where I see that I'm overcomplicated things on my own, where some things still need to trickle down, to get the answer through time, through seeking the answer in time, in attracting the answer to myself where I take things one point at a time no over complication things.
Ok, when and as I catch myself not being direct within any action or word I'm directly doing, I stop, I breathe, I realize I'm fucked and I need to take on more within myself, where I'm getting sucked down in my life, thus, I commit myself to step things into next gear, by being as directive over everything I move within myself and speak as myself as much as possible.
Walking, I am the one walking
Talking, I am the one talking
Blinking, I probably won't bother with blinking because that would be more advanced right now.
Looking, I am the one looking.
Breathing, I might toy around with breathing again but probably just do what I gave been doing which I took a long time to develop and am happy with as letting myself breathe naturally.
Itching, the impulse to itch or scratch or twitch happens fast, but I can catch myself in the middle of the action and take over from there, so it is my itch, my scratch, my twitch.
One other thing, hand work, like what I am normally doing at work, dishes, rolling dough, bussing or taking out food, typing, writing, I do those things, even if I have to catch myself in the middle of them because they are impulsive things.
I take these things. And I do these things, I do the things, me, all the things, I take them from now until I change or come to a different approach. I do the things.
I do the things.
I do the things.
I do the things, without question, the things will be done.
I will do the things, and there will be no challenge, i see the thing and I do it.
I do the things until I die.
I do the things, I do the things, I do the things without question.
I do the things on principle, I do the things as life.
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