Day 277- unraveling supression

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I've been speaking out loud a lot of my self forgiveness and correction, but I want to make the effort to take a lot of those times I'm speaking it out loud and instead to write it out where I know that if I'm wanting to relax and speak it out loud before I got to bed then that's one thing, but putting it all down on paper is something I need to make sure I'm putting effort to be doing.

I've been noting this experience I have where things are really dull, like I have a point that I want to work out, and I'm speaking the self forgiveness and it's almost like I'm on low battery it feel like, like I'm just going through the motions and I just want to get it over with so I can move on, so for that is why I'm thinking to put more emphasis on writing things out more where I think putting on paper will help, and also that I can always have it a goal to be writing things out as well as speaking them because it's just a way to put more into the self forgiveness.

Then even just points in general, it's like most the experiences I have through the day are very dulled down and suppressed, I've definitely done this to myself through the years I spent suppressing myself through breathing to walk my process instead of using self forgiveness.

Then there's through my day whatever it is, emotion, feeling, experience, perception, it's all mostly so dulled out like I'm hardly even interested or care about anything coming up in me because it's all so dull.

Then I had this idea about how my mind is all suppressed, it's not that it's stopped, this is something I've worked with before and am aware of within how it happened and some of the nature behind it, but this is the first time I had the idea of to make my mind intense and expressive instead of suppressed, but actually knowing how I would do it, and how it would pan out.

So, I'm not getting anywhere working with my mind when it's all suppressed, I need it to be running wild and making noise so that I can have something to actually work with instead of just constantly feeling indifferent and dull.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my mind instead of actually walking things out where my mind suppressed just makes it harder to deal with things because I'm too dull to be aware of how anything is affecting me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to stop everything within my mind instead of walking it out the way I'm supposed to where stopping just became suppressing not really addressing anything in a way that is substantial and will stick.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear releasing my mind where I need to release it at this point as reversing the suppression where I need to correct the suppression so I can work with things and not be so indifferent and dull constantly within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress things where I can't tell what there actual situation is instead of letting things play out in my mind as much as possible where then I can actually make sure things are being sorted out because if things go from very loud to stopping and not being loud then I can tell something is happening but I can't tell if something is going calm and quiet when it's suppressed because I'm not aware of it to begin with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let things be as wild and loud as possible within me so when I walk something out I've actually can tell because I have something to compare it to, where I can't compare certain parts of myself to anything because so much of myself is suppressed.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider how I can put my mind in a position where I'm allowing it to speak and then am actually listening where then I can write things out better where this has to do with how I learnt to suppress things instead of open them up and actually deal with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed by how loud I start to notice the song playing in the back of my head where it's so intense when I just let it play out and don't try to suppress it that I feel like I'm broken that I have this crack in the back of my head where this music is coming from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to direct myself to make my mind speak out so I can notice it instead of just trusting myself to be able to figure it out naturally without having to consciously mess with how I direct this effort within myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider how little difference in how I direct myself in each moment can have such a major affect on my life and my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear backtracking where I am being stubborn in doing things the opposite of how I have been directing myself where it's important I realize to try different things and to admit when something isn't working the best it could.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider that how I direct myself in each moment is not a complete part of how I walk things out where I can try directing myself in many different ways in each moment within myself but what ties it all together is the self forgiveness and correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to find a balance within myself where I'm allowing my mind to flow without giving into it outright, where with suppression you just shut down everything, but with just letting things play out I have to draw the line with what I'm directly participating with vs what is just occurring naturally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about what I'm doing and what comes up in my mind at all where the whole point is to write things out and deal with things directly in writing not trying to micro manage every single thought in my head.

When and as I see myself suppressing my mind from coming up, I stop, I breathe, I realize it's important to draw the distinction between stopping vs suppressing, thus, I commit myself to when stopping something within myself to be doing it directly and not based on separation, so when something comes up within me and I cannot directly unconditionally stop it to just leave it alone where I can't suppress it or hype it up I just have to let it run it's course and then take it to self forgiveness and correction.