Day 99- Self Medicating With Good Vibes.

If feeling good is what it will take to accomplish certain goals in my life, and I can do so without foreign substances, and remain my breathing and self forgiveness patterns, I might call it the best self medication next to breathing, and self forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to feel good, as to feel at peace, to feel like I can accomplish all my goals effortlessly, to feel complete and fulfilled.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to feel good and competent, instead of living the words good and competent.

Why feel these things instead of actually doing them.

I feel like I need a jump start.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize to feel a certain way and to actually live and express a certain way, is not the same thing.

I'm going to try to use self forgiveness to feel good.

Openly on my blog for public inspection and criticism, but I'm going to see for myself.

I don't know what is going to happen, but I will find out.

I want to live fulfillment, not feel fulfilled.

I just don't feel like I'm going to make it without a jump start.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not feel very good all the time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not feel great constantly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not feel like I have the energy to do everything I set my mind to.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be centered and focused to do the things I'd like to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be centered and focused from all the times I have allowed myself to be lazy where I saw no reason to have discipline or authority to create something good in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be able to keep myself on a set track until my goal is accomplished.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear accomplishing my goals when goals are another part of life, and existence. From point A to point B.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others weakening me, when others should be empowering me, as I should empower myself through others and through myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disenfranchise myself my entire life, in the name of feelings, and entertainment, taking away from my purpose and self fulfillment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not accomplishing enough in my lifetime.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize sometimes I must step away from the world, to focus on myself, as equal to the world.

I still don't feel good.

I feel ok, but burdened by what I must do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel burdened by what I must do, instead of feeling good about what I must do, feeling like I can accomplish what I must accomplish.

I'm the one who feels, yet I cannot direct myself to feel anything at any moment, unless I activate a memory, or something in my environment to trigger a certain response.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to give myself the power to feel however I'd like to feel.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the ability to decide how I would like to feel whenever I choose to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my feelings be based on reactions instead of me deciding how I would like to feel for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel stressed out, when I have no good reason to be stressed out, and I could instead feel good about life.

'Feeling good' and 'good vibes' is something that I learnt a lot from in spirituality.

How can I invite good feelings into my life, and enjoy them, but also forgive my relationship to them.

I commit myself to trust myself in the direction I take within my self forgiveness as trusting myself to utilize good feeling and bringing good feelings into my life to enjoy, and support myself to be influenced to do better in all facets of my life, as well as a platform of forgiveness as another angle to look at things from.

Self medicating.

What happens when you use self forgiveness to try to feel good? I will find out what happens.

Day 98- Angry Robot

Every cat no matter what type of cat, will grow up to look distinguishable as a cat.

A cactus will grow into a cactus.

People will be people.

Things are programmed, be it through genetic code, or mind code, or sound code like with speaking self forgiveness.

Certain things are just programmed to happen, some reason, some how.

I got angry the other day, and it just hasn't left.

I'm angry that I'm angry, I'm angry that I've written about anger and emotions, but they still have to be faced again from all angles.

I'm angry at how automatic things are, there's no integrity, no compassion, just instantaneous reactions, and decisions based of ego and self interest.

I have no say, and that's infuriating.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry that I will automatically respond to things without any way to stop myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I can recenter myself with breathing, focusing, and self forgiveness after I respond to a certain point in my world, where I can't stop what was programmed, but I can forgive and redesign.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate my preprogramming, when I was preprogrammed to hate it, so I'm left unable to speak, unable to change, caught in an endless loop until I muster the strength to let go and forgive.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize there are benefits to living in a preprogrammed system, where I can see and predict how best to support myself and others mathematically.

I got angry, and all I had to do was forgive, but I was mad it happened in the first place, so I gave up on self forgiveness where I could have applied it, out of spite of myself and others, and everyone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be spiteful of what must be walked and faced in real time, before forgiveness can be applied.

If I've got 10 things I know are going to really grief me, really get under my skin, all happening tomorrow, but I only have enough time to write out one of them today.

I'm going to them still have to face all 10 of those things, but for at least one I have something under my belt, I have an opportunity to dig deeper into that moment. Which will also apply to all other 9 to a degree because all points of mind are woven together.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beat myself up for not addressing my continuous back chat and anger earlier, because I believe anger to be one of the most important things to write out in self forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge anger as the worst thing, needing the most address, when I'm the one who decided what need the most attention in my life, and anger is just an automated response like anything else, nothing special about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find comfort in believing I'm a good person because I don't get angry, when that's not self honest, of course I get angry, agitated, annoyed.

The extent of my anger and how it was being expressed internally through deliberate malicious backchat did seem like a pressing point, at the time, and for all intents and purposes will probably return when I become triggered again.

I'll be triggered plenty more before I die.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed into my triggers and reactions, instead of just taking a breather, and letting go, what was triggered was triggered, there was or wasn't something to have been done, but it's to not make things any worse than they already are.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make things worse after I'm triggered as being upset and angry with someone as thinking hatefully toward them, as playing right into the hands of the system, deliberately causing my own destruction.

Why give up? Why make things worse for myself?

I'm already liable to be triggered by many things in a single day, in general, so someone doing things directed toward me, I take very personally, like, 'as if things weren't bad enough you had to do that'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into my blame towards others making things worse for me through their interactions with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed into this blame of others for making my life worse, when I deliberately think poorly of them and attack their character, when I know I should not be doing so.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cave in and make things worse for me as feeding deeper into my reaction out of spite and blame, because I am existing as the thought, 'if you're just going to make things ever worse for me, than what's the point of even trying.'

Like I'm not working on the relationship for myself, I'm working on the relationship to be rewarded by the other person in the relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect to be treated better for trying hard at improving my relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be mad that 'I'm the only one in this relationship even trying, and for it I get nothing.'

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize, I cannot decide my progress based on how I am received externally, because everything is compromised, and I'm the only one with the authority to decide who I am and where I stand in relationship to the world.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself feeling as if I am being treated unfairly based on how much effort I've put into the relationship, as I realize myself as the only one able to give to myself the recognition of my progress, of my worth, of my existence, and as such I realize the worth I'm given to others is the worth they give to themselves, vice versa.

So I'm angry at someone else for not recognizing how hard I work on my relationship with them, so I'm angry at myself for not recognizing how hard I work on my relationship with myself?

I do feel unrecognized.

I didn't know it was such a big deal, I assumed good work was it's own reward.

Maybe I am recognizing myself, I just don't feel it.

I don't have a lot of practice at taking things back to myself.

People walk on each other, someone could come right up to me and trigger me, or I could walk up to someone else and trigger them.

It's not real control though.

The vampire has to be let into your home before it can drink your blood.

My reactions are my own.

I am alone, and it's scarier to think what I create as fear and anger is really of and toward myself, but it's already programmed that way, so best not to look down from the tight rope. Don't give into astonishment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the self value as the value of all of life equally, to just let go after a mistake, after a trigger, after something goes wrong, and to just move forward just as fast as the reaction occurred itself.

I will not surrender.

Day 97- Man On the Moon

What needs to be forgiven?

Nothing needs to be or has to be forgiven, so what would I chose to forgive?

With self forgiveness I've always had good conceptualization of what I was doing and where to forgive and how to dig into things in self honesty.

I've had some interesting choices along the way, but what's important is that I've come to grips with the need to write out and speak self forgiveness, along with the foundation of creating what's best for life, as the oneness and equality principle of being the change.

So that's been great, but I thought to myself today something I've never quite thought about.

I basically thought about the direction I'm taking my life through my self forgiveness.

When I spent my 2 years carving my own path, and having no success, I was taking myself in a certain direction, taking myself to rock bottom, taking myself to a place where I could finally admit to myself I need to stand with everyone through self forgiveness, written shared, self honest, with the intention of essentially purifying myself to become a blank slate that can be retrained to do what is best for all of life at all times.

I think that opens it up, self forgiveness is letting go and changing for real with self commitment.

But you don't have to live that, just like a confessional, you can make the same mistake again, and have to go forgive it again, and again, maybe deep down that's the plan all along.

I'm trying to take some time away from smoking, and hit a few road blocks here and there, but still a very exhilarating process, but after quiting for a few days, and then basically relapsing and having a few, they felt more intense, I enjoyed it more.

What if you forgave yourself to suppress, so when eventually you did something that you were supposed to have forgiven it feels even better, but it becomes even worse, because you lose your self worth your self trust.

Basically, after in my mind it said I need, I want a cigarette, 20 times, and I said no, and was affirmative each time, after I caved in on the 21st time it felt much better because I felt like I had tried, like I put up a worthy fight, like I was in the right.

The one thing for me when I was first growing up with Desteni, being around 14 or younger, I was still developing, and I was mostly alone outside of guidance on the forum.

I used to have this idea of walking my process as being a fight against the mind, to silence the mind and be here in stillness, but I didn't recognize the relationship and need for forgiveness, you can't change for real what is not forgiven for self.

Then breathing, and what is existing in a breathe, and how do you move a breathe, or not move, or really I can't explain how wacky breathing and my relationship to breathe got, in the same way I can say I have spectacular dreams, yet to go into detail on just what makes a dream so strange even after describing just how it made me feel, isn't easy.

So I'm not charging forward for once, I invested in that, and here's the pay off, I had a moment today that I stopped charging forward and really sat there and questioned some things.

It's basically how I grew up 14 maybe younger, on top of where I was in my life, I had a lot of ideas that I've had held up until maybe even more recently about how to stop the mind, but only now in recognizing certain things like the need for self forgiveness do I start to question some things.

One of those things was thinking I needed to stop feeling.

I understand and appreciate where I was coming from.

The idea of being a martyr giving up feelings, something that most define as what matters, as feeling good and happy and content with life, for the greater good, but now I don't so much see the need to be boxed in like that, but if being contained at that time of development in my life is what assisted me, and I see how both it did, and in some times it didn't, than that's understandable.

I see where I was coming form, and know that my intentions were good, and my heart was and is in the right place in everything, but that's not so simple, the system within myself I've created, cannot always be overdrive.

So feelings, what is a feeling? What is it to feel good?

If I feel, am I going to utilze it? To push myself harder, to continue walking my process?

I don't really need to ask that question, but I will to be safe, and I'd say yes, I have no doubt, I doubt yet I know I'll be fine, I don't know I'll be fine, but I trust that I will, I don't trust that I will, but I'm sure it will all pan out, it might not all pan out, but it'll probably work out.

I've written before how I've suppressed feelings, where no forgiveness was real, it was a change as energy.

I'd say that I've numbed myself in a lot of ways, and that's not the meaning of stopping the mind through self forgiveness, that's just making myself numb to the affects my mind as energy has on me.

That's what it is.

I need to start feeling more.

Which probably should include emotions as well.

The entire spectrum perhaps, all stimuli.

Taking a step back within boredom, as being numbed, so I will be more focused and more prepared when the time to charge returns.

I want to charge into my mind.

The imagery, the feelings, the emotions, everything that I've suppressed without actually having changed.

The only thing I want to address, before I walk on the surface of the moon again, is this desire to go back, just like with that cigarette, where it felt better to give up knowing I tried, but I'm not giving up, and I've never given up, but I'd dare the universe to try me, but not in a weird way because I won't put up with that, and I've done some drugs again recently, I need to make sure not to do any drugs, and trying to help people, I need to cool off and focus on myself for the most part, I realized I'm not in the position to help or support anyone in any significant way I need to just focus on myself more so right now.

So what is walking on the moon? It's the man on the moon, from Kid Cudi, an album title of his, and one of the songs on the album, and it was when I first started smoking pot, probably around the time I was introduced to Desteni as well 13 or 14, and the way I felt like I was not just complete and fulfilled and felt so good, I was in a dream world, I was more than even spirit.

Basically I felt really good, and I want to feel that way again, but without drugs, I want to embrace my feelings, yet still forgive them, self forgiveness within the relationship to feelings, not in trying to stop the feelings through separation as suppression.

So having my cake and eating it to...

Another paradigm shift.

Here we go...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to push my feelings away, because I believed that was how I would stop them, when that just suppressed them without real change, and that real change is me forgiving myself, self honestly as realizing how things really occur and what they should be changed, as the real evolution of man as self actualization.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I could have believed the contrary, and had believed that in feeling and experiencing more you can process more, yet that's just another end of the coin without self forgiveness, but I have self forgiveness.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize as long as I maintain my integrity through writing self forgiveness and breathing in each moment to live and manifest the living word, I can change for real, but that I can also utilize whatever might support me in finding myself.

'Finding myself' there's another mantra.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to feel anything because I believed the point was to not feel, and I ingrained that idea within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it is bad or wrong to be moved by feelings, to move myself, or to be moved by what's already in place.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I can design and change my feelings and how I feel and experience myself as feeling in a way that can be supportive, such as feeling like I have the energy and feel good about being at work and going to work, which supports me to be here in my breathe during my work day, as well as giving me a new perspective contrary to where I have placed myself in relationship to feelings for a very long time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize there are any number of ways to go about my day, but it is the self forgiveness that is what binds me in each breathe, to live that forgiveness and commitment in each breathe in each moment.

So, regardless, I must be fulfilled, I must be the one to fulfill myself,

No one ever told me to stop feeling, I just did it, I was just growing up when I was introduced to a lot of the Desteni concepts, and certain things just fell into a certain place a certain way, I did well given I had very little oversight, and had to just trog through all this information on my own for the most part, but the point is I got to where I am today, on my way to paradise, on my way to heaven on earth, on my way to creation. Home at last.

It's time to flip things on their head.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I experience feeling within me, as I focus in and amplify everything about what I feel, as well as draw in more feeling on top of it, to thusly, realize for myself in real time, what has and has not changed is not dependent on my experience, it's dependent on what is lived, so I can see that I'm still existing as feeling as much as I ever have, I've simply suppressed
, but now with self forgiveness, I can grant myself passage back to the moon, back to that feeling I had, as well as many other's I might not be as happy to see, but in each breathe grounding myself, and thus moving myself day by day, as the living word, as my purpose, as my might. My kingdom.

Day 96- Boredom

'Boardom'

Boredom does make me think of boars, where if I have activities, where I'm preoccupied in my world, as I usually am, I'm usually not bored.

The dom is like the dome, like the sphere. When I'm in my sphere and am just actively doing things I'm pretty much content as I'd really need to be.

So the dome could be my head, and when I'm mentally preoccupied I'm not bored, I'm fulfilled and content.

When I do get bored it comes from my relationship to time.

I'm bored because I'm waiting for next activity, the next 'always something'

It's hard to be prepared for the next activity when I miss every single thing in-between.

I charge through from one event to the other.

But with the preparation, I can be ready for everything to come.

The polarity is bored or preoccupied. Charging forward or waiting around.

That's a cool mantra, 'charge forward'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be discontent within myself in reaction to not having an activity to charge through, or an activity that I feel properly preoccupies or fulfilled me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge into the next event, when it's not time to get going yet, where I get for example pumped up to go to work, but it's not even time to get ready to go yet, and I don't want to get pumped up, I just want to be content, but I understand needing to utilize getting pumped up to be more efficient sometimes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to burden myself with the need to charge into battle as work and game and all the preoccupations and activities, where in self honesty I could sit around and just breathe just be here, but there's a reason I preoccupy my time with media outside of work, It's about always charging forward, never boring down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rock with the balance in my life, where I'm always charging forward, and never balance it out with time to just sit around and be bored, read a book, just lay down and relax in silence.

I have a tendency to preoccupy myself before boredom can even be induced.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge charging forward as more important than just taking a step back and being bored, just laying out like a board with nothing to do.

Taking some time back to myself, will allow me to be better at charging forward when the time comes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place all my investment in charging forward, like the blind boar warrior in my picture for this blog, where I'm just acting like a beast without any senses except to fight, as charging into the next event and the next action.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to flesh out my life no matter where I am or what I'm doing with boredom, charging forward, as well as taking time to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get my heart pumping before I go into work, when it is still several hours until I need to be at work, and I don't want to get pumped up for work just yet, and I'm not sure what getting so worked up about before I go into work will serve me, when it might be better to just go in calm, and take on the tasks as they come one at a time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get my heart rate going with excitement and anxiety when I know it's time to go into work soon, and I want to be able to charge through all the conflicts and tasks that I must face at work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge through all the conflicts at work, instead of simply taking things slowly, calmly, where I can better dictate myself and who i am in relationship to the tasks and conflicts.

It's like fear, like being feral, where I fear all, I fear all of work, and just want to charge forward and be done with it, just to go do it again the next day, if not immediately afterwards.

I have an all or nothing personality, that's a lot of charging forward and trying to do it all, and then failing, and then not doing anything.

Pacing.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to have the discipline and self restraint to pace myself for myself, where I'm not influenced to charge forward all the time.

It's easier to burn myself with a fire under my butt, than it is for me to simply move myself and not have to be influenced.

A lazy pig.

Not in a judgement way, just in introspection, thinking about pigs and boars, thinking about charging forward from one activity to another, not taking time for good hygiene, health, organization, structure, or relaxation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get pumped up to go and do activities where I'm lacking in the constancy of not being lazy, where I say to myself I'm not lazy because look at all the things I do and accomplish, when this kind of laziness that finds a way to creep into all things I do exist because it's not about changing my actions, it's about changing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be lazy when I charge into everything I do, because it's easier to throw it all to the wind and go gung ho than it is to take time and have discipline and focus and self sustainability.

I'm can be very blunt with women, and express my interest in dating without getting to really know them first, not that it's a bad thing, but it's an example of just all or nothing, don't bother with them, or charge in no holds barred.

Dating can sometimes be just another form of preoccupation, something to rush into just to take your mind off things.

I never thought much of boredom, or about how we're always preoccupied with all the new technology and inventions we have, but bored and entertained seems to be one of those quintessential things.

We as people always want to be entertained, unless we're in a situation of survival, where survival supersedes the need to be entertained.

The other night, I wanted to do some things when I got out of work, but I layed down, and it was like I had no will to do anything else, like I was just done for the day, like going to work was my entire day, even though there's certainly other activities and responsibilities I want to attend to.

I can't just be doing any old activity, or I can, but I need to be excited by it.

I'm not bored when I'm excited.

I hate the feeling of being bored, it's like a moment where life has lost all purpose and meaning.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define life as lacking purpose and meaning just because I'm not entertained within myself at any particular moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself into situations and take actions I'm not comfortable with just to get my horses racing, just to get triggered, to not be bored.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suffer within myself as conflict of any kind, before I would take the latter as boredom.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge boredom as worse than pain and suffering within myself.

What is boredom?

Boredom was something I experience when I didn't have anything to do at work the other day, and I made a note of it.

I realized I was bored because I did not have anything to do because I was all caught up at work, and it made me think about needing to be preoccupied, and how I charge from one preoccupation to the next, to essentially for all intents and purposes not be bored.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by boredom within myself when I take actions and do things that lead to me not experiencing boredom within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my thoughts and feelings distract me from dealing with my conflicts in relationship to other's where if I'm in conflict in relationship to someone else it's just a matter of putting it down to paper or just out loud in self forgiveness, but that can be tedious and boring, so I'd rather it be more difficult and painful than needed.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself being influecned by boredom, as I realize myself as putting myself into situations within myself within this influence in avoidance of boredom that I'm not comfortable with, when I'd rather just face boredom and discover what it is, the state of inactivity.

I commit myself to start devoting time to stillness within myself, to being still and not thinking, feeling, expressing, and just being bored, being quiet, taking some time to really take things back for what they are, exciting or boring.

Day 95- Always Something

Pictures like the renaissance paintings, or where's Waldo books, make me think of 'always something', always something to divert your attention, always something to catch your eye. This picture represents the conflict aspect of 'always something'.

It's always something.

Always something else.

It's always what's next, or what's down the road.

I try to step back recently, trying to focus more on myself, to address just this issue, and all of sudden there's something else, out of no where.

I try to stand here in now in all that will come, but all of sudden there's a curve ball.

It seems like I can direct myself through events, direct myself from one event to another, from one activity to another, from one place to another, but then I wake up fairly often thinking to myself, 'here we go again'.

If I could challenge myself, I'd say, not how fast or how far I can go, but how slowly I can go, how centered and focused in everything I do can I be, how here can I be in everything I do, not down the line, or onto the next event or activity, but to hold myself in just this moment in time.

Always some stimulant, to push through each moment.

A drug, a cigarette, or an energy drink, a statement of 'I just need a push to get through'.

It's hard to be here, when here is always somewhere else, another time.

It's nauseating.

I don't feel this moment here, I feel my relationship to memories, to the future.

I'm going to have to be here, more here and less over there.

I'm going to have to slow down.

'It's always something'

That's why I can't be here, sorry everyone, I can't be with you, I'm dealing with something.

To dissect and forgive my always something's will support me in getting closer to where I'd like to be here, in the power of breathe, in the power of the physical, in the comfort and love of the physical of life, to utilize the mind where most efficient in supporting the prosperity of life, and no more... That's something.

I actively keep track of my 'always somethings', I'm well aware of this phenomena, self perpetuated or otherwise, so why haven't I done anything?

If I can tell things just keep piling up, and catching up to me just when I think I'm almost out of the woods, why have I been complacent?

How can I live not expecting curve balls, and life to throw frustrating scenarios at me, one way or another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect my life to be easy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my position within the system changing and I suddenly being left out in the cold where I'm not prepared.

Where, I say always something now, so just to imagine facing an actual travesty, facing actual devastation, where does that leave me?

Once again facing the worst possible scenario, maybe not so much specifically here and now, but general drawing out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say to myself, always something, over situations where I'm clearly the instigator of the internal conflict, when this leaves me in a position where if I had to face actual for real devastation or conflict, I would be totally unprepared, having lived in a world where all my problems are self inflicted.

I have money, food, shelter, my life is not at risk from some war, so since I was born I don't know that I have had a problem that was not self inflicted.

That's what self forgiveness is for, those who have something, who had something, who had enough to pursue spirituality and instead found Desteni, it's to say people currently facing real constant problems don't have internet, they will have to face their real problems without self forgiveness, because most people probably won't ever think of self forgiveness without finding it on the internet or through some other means.

This not so much comparing my conflicts as bad because they are self inflicted, but comparing to the conflicts of starving, sick, and suffering people, because it supports me to put everything into perspective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my conflicts on other people, when it's not true, and helps me to put things into perspective in self honesty to see how conflicts are actually arising for real within me, and not being forced upon me by any other thing or individual.

Yet, 'always something's' aren't always conflicts, it can also be the synchronicity of one good thing happening right after another, it's easy to not recognize all of the good things and how they line up, but fair is fair.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only focus on the bad always somethings, instead of the good one's, where for the good ones good things just keep happening, always something good, but I obsess over the bad ones, because I feel I need to internally compensate or address, or repent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that if there's always something bad, because of something I did, then there's always something good, because of something I did, and this deserves just as much attention, if I did something good, let's keep doing that and keep getting good things in return, and if I did something bad, let's stop doing that in as many ways as possible, to stop getting bad 'always somethings'.

That's a little tricky though, but I think it has more to do with how I've defined good and bad, good is good and bad is bad, but what those words mean to other's, and to me, and what their relationship is to 'always somethings' is a little more complicated.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to complicate the fact that things happen, with the defining of certain events as being a particular event that propelled the motions of my internal conflict.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always find something to keep my internal conflict rocketing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to isolate external events that I can thus blame my own problems on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see conflict's in my world as coming from 'always somethings', when the emotional, mental, feeling, mind problems are in fact from me, and the real world conflicts that need to be addressed, simply need to be addressed in real time.

Always feels good to ground work something, to get the ball rolling, time to top it off to really get things in motion.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself identifying a certain real world problem as an 'always something', and direct myself in that moment to realize my relationship to this always something, and realize how it is actually just a real world event to be addressed, and that the conflict or reward part is depending on my own reaction and relationship to said always something.

In a nut shell, if I could sum this all up.

I'm alive, and I live in a world, on a world perhaps, and things occur outside of myself, and I like it when these external elements play into my favor, like the wind blowing me a 100 dollar bill. If a meteorite flings from space and boops me on the head, that is not good for me.

Right, good things can happen and bad things can happen, these two examples are theories.

The other part, (this might not be a nutshell after all... Always something I guess...)

The other part, is that if these events were toned down from the example, and weren't one in a trillion give or take, than really they would just be common place, if meteorite strikes and flying loose bills, was common place for everyone, it wouldn't be so note worthy, like if I stubbed my toe, I might not say always something, or I might, depending on how I feel that day, is how I would interpret it.

So, in conclusion, 'always something' can mean, 'I got fucked over again, like usual', or 'always something' can mean, 'yet another victory on my handsome and wonderful behalf'.

It depends on how I interpret it.

I'm interpreting this external phenomena for some time, and now am seeing it's really just a reflection of my relationship to my internal conflicts.

So, I can admit I have a problem, and can now address it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my internal conflicts pile on without resolve that I feel like I'm simply always in conflict, so I'm already in conflict, so when something in my external world does not go the fantasy way I'd like it to, I can say that's the problem! Everyone else!

I'm quite the con artist, piling up as much disorder as I can, and managing to find a way to escape it through blaming something that came along much latter than when the actual problems began to form.

I've had and have created problems and conflicts for myself my whole life, and when one person comes along and does just one menial thing, I say, this person has championed every single thing wrong with my life at this moment, that is crazy.

That's so worth people to think about.

That's a paradigm shift, I thought always something was just a mantra, just a funny little thing to think to yourself when things happen as things do happen some where some how, some one, something will happen at some point, and the idea of always something representing the neglect of self responsibility you wouldn't find on the surface.

It circles back around to blame, and confusion, and all kinds of things, but it does help me take things slow, yes when it's say, 4 O'clock, time to go to work, but to be here now and say, I have to go to work tomorrow 17 hours away... 'Always something', is taking an arbitrary event, and flipping it into some kind of oppression.

It was just a mantra, it was just something to say, just something to think about, I have two people close to me in my life who say this, and I've certainly heard many people say it, people say always something, with total sincerity, and so do I, though I usually just keep it to myself, it's the same thing, I just tend to think mine alone.

A mantra is something to live by, something you say because you live, you live what you give and mouths talk, one plus one equals two.

So, my mantra, 'always something', does not need to be exiled per say, I've tried the mantra of being radical, all or nothing, and that's something I might try to exile, a mantra I'm not currently interested in, in the way I've currently defined it within myself.

The mantra of 'always something' Still has potential, I can still take a bite out of that.

Somehow.

Just thinking, another mantra of mine is when I hit rock bottom, and I see the light, and I reach for it, I'm saying, 'I have another chance', 'I can fix this', 'I can do this'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by the mantra of always something within myself where I saw how this related to me, and I held onto it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by allowing the mantra of living the words always something into my life, because I wanted something to identify with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself I'm persecuted by 'always somethings', to simply give me something to have in my life.

Like, when you're depressed, and don't want to do anything or experience anything, because nothing means anything to you.

Nihilism, quoted form Oxford dictionaries, "the rejection of all religious and moral principles, often in the belief that life is meaningless."

Things have the meaning you give to them basically.

Always something is an idea I placed on certain events, and it's not to say I always thought that always somethings came from a higher power, I knew usually that it was my own interpretation, but recent events had lead me to spin things out of proportion, and some things seemed to be a little too synchronistic, even now in retrospect, far to synchronistic.

Either way, If I'm still kicking, there will always be somewhere somehow something, and who am I going to be when that happens, whatever it is?

Day 94- Purifying Humility

I've never zoned in on something to write about so swiftly, and at the same time with so much resistance.

I don't have the humility to write out and live humility.

Whatever I do have, is enough to try.

Humility could be a powerful word to live, but I'm already living humility? It's part of my vocabulary?

There's two different things that come to mind, one is selective hearing, but instead selective speaking, selective living, I live certain words as a certain character, as ego.

The other, I can't remember, but I'd say maybe, I am living humility, but if I really ask myself what does humility mean to me? I haven't refined it, I have in fact corrupted it.

I live all of my vocabulary, but perhaps I put one word on top, one word to rule them all, corruption.

Either way, humility is something that I could be very powerful if I could live and walk that word.

That's ironic that it comes to mind in that way, because humility isn't about power?

How can power be gained from humility?

The power to stand down from conflict, the power to be respectful, the power to listen, the power to care, the power to stand up against what's wrong is having humility, sacrificing the status quo to speak out where needed, is both humble and honorable, that's the strength of humility.

That's a pipe dream, I don't live that way, I don't live that word...

Where do I start?

Recognizing I have a problem, I know that, because I can admit within myself, I don't live humility the way I'd like to, if at all.

So, trouble shoot, to get some specific feedback, I know I have a problem a virus corruption in this word, time to isolate, and annihilate... Through self forgiveness, naturally.

To purify is the starting point so, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run a nasty program within myself, as the corrupt version of humility, which is not humble, and is not representing what is best for all of life.

So, that's a point of where corruption can come from, my agenda, my purpose, through my life never having been what's best for life, if it's not what's best for all of life equally? What is left?

So that gives me an idea,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live the word humility out of spite, where I will be humble to show how better I am than you, I'll live the word to make myself seem holier than thou, for just a moment, a hat trick.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to convince myself I'm living the word humility when in retrospect I can clearly see that I was just using the word as a decoy, as an illusion, to hide my true colors.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lead myself to believe my true colors are that of humility, when I have little reason to believe that, except for the physical part of me which is humility as the equality of the physical, but not me as a being composed of my actions and words and creation.

So, I can see part of the problem now, is that I tell myself I'm living a word, when it is just used to make myself seem innocent and profound and holier than thou.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not actually put effort into living the real definition, as the definition best for all of life, which I have already established for myself, as realizing humility as being a good trait for someone who is good, and does good onto all other's equally.

I knew about humility, but I abused it for my own interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse the word humility, when I utilize it for my own interest, my interest as my survival.

Humility is about humanity, not about my personal survival, my personal survival as energy and pleasure and illusion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse the word humility when I do not represent life's best interest, but instead represent my personal ego energy selfish interest yet call myself someone of humility.

Humility, I think of monks, and eastern religion's, or just religion in general.

Recognizing your humanity through a greater being.

Admitting your humility, as realizing how small you are in the universe.

That's interesting, but I see religion as being a big catalyst in that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge humility as something belonging to people of a certain special group, with a special purpose, such as religion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not live humility because I did not believe humility belonged to me, because I was not religious or particularly spiritual.

I was a small amount spiritual, for a short amount of time, and I identified greatly with humility at that time.

The humbleness of being great and getting what you want as imagination.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate humility as identifying myself as humble as humility, when I'm just preying on the physical in my own little bubble, happily deriving whatever I want as thoughts and feelings and emotions.

Where is humility without pain and struggle?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe humility is only given to those who have seen great pain and strife.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize humility is derived from self, self humility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as not having humility because I come from a higher class on earth than most, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize how I created exactly what I'd wanted to avoid in not calling myself humble of; of humility, because I had not earned it, and so never realized how I could have earned it, how I could have given it, how I could have lived it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe any longer that humility does not belong to me.

Here's a weird read... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the responsibility of humility.

That was a fast read in my mind, I don't know where that comes from,

So I think about it, humility is lowering yourself to help other's, to listen, to raise a kid, to work, humility represents taking on burden's and not expecting anything in return.

That belongs to everyone.

I think to myself, 'what great strides I've made here already', I think, 'that's not a very humble thing to think'

It brings me back to, living humility equally in all ways for real as the living word, or appearing to have humility to survive, to seem powerful, when I'm just another thief in the night. Nothing to stand for, but absolutely, something to take.

It's hard to live humility, when you're living thievery.

It is hard, but I must humble myself, and face the conflict, conflicting interest, I cannot just be of humility all at once, when so many other systems of corrupted words are at play.

The one other word I purified, that I can recall is strength.

The strength to admit I am corrupt.

And now, the humility to admit, I'm walking a process, and cannot change everything all at once.

The strength to learn humility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by the past, when the past already has power over me, systematically, it is for me to decide how to carve forward facing what I have created, and renewing my vow to life.

My not doing a good job living humility, comes through the most when I have nasty thoughts, or perceptions, or opinions.

That it has come to me, having to not have bad thoughts, shows how deeply into the system of corruption I am, that my first step is so small, in simply stopping the bad things that I create in my mind, just because I get mad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not live the word humility when I get mad.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to put all I can into stopping myself when I see myself getting mad, and forgiving the madness, as realizing humility in relationship to myself and other's.

Living humility can be a process, I can't just be the embodiment of humility all at once, but I can make the first step, make a sound, sing a song.

Humility is tolerating things you don't like, and not getting worked up over it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not live the word humility when I get upset over things that I do not prefer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as needing to be consumed and surround by the things I like, when in humility I challenge the status quo and I face things I do not like, and tolerate things I do not like, for the greater good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to influence myself in relationship to the greater good, where the greater good was always representing some kind of psycho in television, some kind of religion or cult, that did bad, and said it was good. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand up to myself, and realize I can live the greater good through humility to start with, and it does not have to be the demented mistaken bad thing that I learnt through the media.

What else?

Where do I draw the line?

Where do I humble myself?

You have to start somewhere, I live the word humility, in admitting you can't just get it perfect, you have to go live and balance.

So I begin, I commit myself to live the word humility in each breathe, as learning myself anew as the new expression of myself as living and breathing a new word, as living the word humility as I have defined it.

I commit myself to start practicing humility in every single interaction with life that I have.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself not living the word humility based on my new purification through self forgiveness, as I realize the only way to live self forgiveness of the word humility for real, is in actual practice as life, as dictating what will and will not be, what will pass, and what will not, I will not let my bad thoughts pass, but I will let my forgiveness pass, to pass through me in each breathe, to be manifested and lived for real, as building a new being on earth, starting with strength, and now humility.

Stunning.

I don't like the word humility.

It sounds insulting.

It does not harmonize with who I am at the moment.

Who the heck am I at the moment? And why the heck would I not want to stand equal to the word humility?

It's humility for crying out loud!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word humility as inherently good, where it's just a word, and maybe I just don't like the way it rolls off the tongue... Hu-mill-ity.

Huge military

Humble to a tee

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word humility as a waste of time, because I don't like the way it sounds, without even putting the word to the test.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so caught up in the way that I want things to be on the surface, that I do not dig down deep and actually investigate, as no I really don't like the sound of the word humility, I don't like that word for some reason, but I know what that word can be when lived, so I must push through the resistance, and cut through
the reaction, and actually investigate, and apply in practice.

When is a good time to practice my humility on a more conscience effort of level?

When I'm annoyed, when I'm upset, when I'm emotional,

Basically when things start moving fast within me, it's a good time to mark a red flag, identify triggers, and just slow down, be humble in that moment and deal with the situation.

Sometimes humility is stepping away from others problems and conflicts and realizing I need to take care of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand in pride without humility when I try to help others, when I need to be taking care of myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand in humility when I fear saying to someone, I cannot help you right now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not live humility when I try to bite more than I can chew in relationship to other people, where I get burnt out on other people, and I realize myself as being over zealous and mis calculating my role in others lives, when I don't stand as the humility of stepping down, and realizing how I can I help someone else when I cannot help myself.

I commit myself to live humility in taking care of myself, where I realize I cannot take care of another without taking myself into consideration one and equal.

Day 93- Ground Working Dating

I want a girlfriend.

How has my interest in dating been a problem when it is emotionally/feeling charged?

How have I in telling myself I don't mind being alone, and saying it doesn't matter, been a way to divert myself from addressing my actual relationship to relationships.

In a sense I don't care, in that I don't want to hold onto my current relationship to dating, and have seen enough that I am wholly ready to diffuse, and start fresh, probably more effective as well.

I don't experience any solid openings to begin with, and I think that has to do with how much I deflect the point of dating, so I have not even established any ground work.

Setting ground work up for dating also sets ground work up for  relationship's of any kind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to secretly not want to let go of my relationship to dating, where I am not being self honest with myself in telling myself that dating doesn't matter to me, when it actually does, that I can't even see clearly my relationship to dating.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be self honest about my relationship to dating, and in that put up a wall that makes addressing dating even more difficult.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make things even more difficult for myself when I deny that I have a problem, and I cannot forgive myself until I have admitted I have a problem.

So I say, I have a problem with dating.

Not having a girlfriend to me is depressing.

I don't feel depressed, but to me it is depressing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view not having a girlfriend as depressing, putting myself on the fence, where I am always harboring the potential for depression in relationship to not having a girlfriend at any moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to hold myself in the imprint of apathy, as living the word apathy in relationship to not having a girlfriend to make me feel better.

I used to enjoy living the word apathy, and it was like an adrenaline rush, or a dopamine rush, where nothing mattered, sometimes pertaining to not having a girlfriend.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live the word apathy in relationship to not having a girlfriend because it made me feel better.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want a girlfriend, to feel better within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tolerate a lesser form and expression of dating, where I'm just making up for my own inadequate nature I've developed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge dating unconditionally as two people sharing and expressing and committing to each other, as lesser than dating to feel better about one self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge dating to feel better about myself as defining a bad relationship, when it is how two people walk out of that spectrum together that defines the relationship's inherit value.

How do you obtain a relationship?

They don't teach you that in school.

To me it seems to be something that just happens, you meet someone new, and realize you each like each like each other.

It seems to me very difficult to just go out of your way to find a relationship, like it isn't the way relationships are structured in the matrix.

Like they're structured to be preordained, and seem meaningful, and sound like two people are soul mates, when they're just two people looking for the same thing and find it in each other.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe finding a special someone is fate, when the actual appearance of how dating works seems very shallow, just two people who have something to be gained from each other, just like any other relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge relationships of mutual interest as being bad, because it does not fit the beautiful mold in my spirit of a perfect relationship.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I need to build a perfect relationship with myself, where I only know so much of another person no matter how close I am to them, I will always hold everything of myself within myself, and must realize that as the relationship to be perfected.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold it personally that I don't have a relationship with a girl, where I believe the hand of God, or the hand of fate has is it out for me, or that there is some mysterious part of my expression that does not click with girls.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be depressed I don't have a girlfriend, regardless of the reason.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of the idea that I don't need a relationship, when I could still have a relationship, simply coming from a better place within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want a relationship to have control in my life, where dating is an extension of my desire to control my reality, to have the reality exactly how I fantasies or desire.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to punish myself for not having a girlfriend as not enjoying my expression as much as I could be.

I commit myself to, stop, breath, when and as I see myself, desiring that I have a girlfriend in my life, as I realize myself as complete on my own, and girlfriend's just being something that you figure out as you go along, but not something that inherently defines my relationship to myself, because that is inane and counter productive no matter what, like playing into the hands of the system, full out, playing into the hands of the system as it is, is not best for life.

Sometimes I think about the way the system is and how much I need to work, and then how much time I need for myself to write, and do other responsibilities, and I just don't see how I could have time for a girl friend, and that makes me sad.

There's really nothing to that, I just don't want to be sad, but it seems to be a good point about reality, and how much time is consumed with work and school and responsibility, and it's hard to arrange anything when everyone else has the same things with different schedules.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel alone when it seems like with my schedule being busy and so are everyone else's how will I ever have time to have a girlfriend, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get so worked up over having a girl friend, when in reality it doesn't really matter within my purpose or agenda, and I know that I can live my life and be happy and content on my own, or maybe meet someone further down the line.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be insecure without a girl friend.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as needing a girl friend to feel secure about who I am and what I am doing with my life.

It's not that I don't think I could be celibate if it came to it, and it's not that I feel like that's what I want even after writing out self forgiveness, I obviously would still be interested in a relationship, it's just really difficult, and I'm just happy the way I am, and I'd like to embrace that.

I just have to keep reiterating just how much I've defined myself over time as needing a girl friend.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define needing a girl friend as being a part of my soul.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define needing a girl friend as part of my heart and in my blood.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by my genetic wiring to feel disposed and worthless without a girlfriend, when if love is in the DNA passed down or is just from culture, I'm the one who continues to create it, and I want to create self love, self sustainability, I want to create what's best and forgive myself, and enjoy my life, and that's what is going to come first for me, absolutely girlfriend or not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise my principles and integrity for a relationship to girls, where it's like I'm in a haze and am being influenced by myself in relationship to love and just the agenda of the relationship itself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to turn my situation into something that feels uplifting and inspiring, when there's nothing to be moved by, I just want to be able to efficiently stand by and move as myself in each breathe, I want to live not be moved by pictures and feelings.

It makes for a really good self forgiveness, because the idea of coming to terms with dating and sexuality is such a big thing to tackle all at once in writing, it's something that develops over such a long period of time, it's like a big breathe of fresh air.

I have a lot of things ahead of me, and I want to work and develop my responsibility and improving my life, and what if it did come down to me, not dating for a while, or putting it outside of my mind for who knows how long, forever?

I want to date, deep down I know I could really enjoy a girl, a companion, a serious relationship, but I've bounced around ideas of celibacy for a long time as well, I like to be alone, and focused, and independent, I like to be proud of myself, self pride, I like to work on myself, and as much as I'd like to share that and walk with some else, it doesn't hurt to face.... In fact it is beneficial in this case at least, to face the worst possible outcome, and knowing I'd 'float on', I'd still thrive, I'd still be OK.

I want to write out what my goal is here, obviously as stated this is just ground work, but as much possible now, and down the line, I want to be able to walk in each day, fulfilled with who I am single or married, or dating, or interested in dating someone, I want to see the snake, the system, the feeling of love and energy rise up, and me to make the decision, to stand to breathe, to live this post, live my forgiveness, dating or not dating, I want to stop, breathe, when and as, I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as, I see myself indulging in the feeling of love, in crushing, where I'm crushing myself, because whether the girl I like, likes me in return or not, that love is just energy, just the opposite of hate, and I've seen enough to know where I'd like to stand, so I'm making as many affirmations as possible, as much forgiveness and self realization as possible, to give myself the best arsenal of tools in each breathe at my disposal to stand, where I have hit rock bottom, and I just want to stand back up, no matter what happens, with nothing to lose, nothing to love, and everything to gain.

I must be fulfilled, I must be the one to fulfill myself, regardless.

Day 92- Sleep/Taking it Personal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be addicted to the feeling of falling asleep.

I say the feeling of falling asleep, because the more I think about it, I don't feel anything while I am asleep, I only experience dreams while I'm asleep, which sis a entire different matter.

All I really know about sleep is the feeling of needing sleep, and the feeling of drifting off into sleep once I've laid down to rest.

I wish I always could get more sleep, but that doesn't really resolve the issue, because I'll turn down sleep, fairly regularly, when I have a day where I could sleep in and max out as much sleep as I could, I usually will just get up once I'm up, to begin activities.

I want to sleep forever, is how I experience my relationship to sleep.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to sleep forever, which basically means I just want to die.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to drift off into sleep forever, which in theory is the same as dying, when I have things I should be doing with my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to sleep forever, when I cannot create myself, or my world and reality when I'm asleep forever.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be responsible and live my life and create a better world for myself as equal to all of life, or create whatever is best for life, as that is how I should live by example, not by sleeping forever.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize sleep for the most part is just the feeling of needing sleep, and the feeling of having gotten sleep, implying that sleep is probably mostly energy based, and could be much better directed in my life.

What happens during sleep?

My awareness shuts off, and I feel like I've slipt into another dimension, and I am all of a sudden awake, with no comprehension of what just happened.

My current idea of the perfect sleep is, I go to bed, and I drift into sleep mode, or the sleep dimension, but I don't lose my self awareness, I just keep breathing, and can relax and investigate myself during sleep.

I commit myself to create that sleep for myself.

Yesterday I was worried about my mom falling asleep on the couch, falling asleep on a couch is not food for me, because I'll wake up after a few hours with cotton mouth, sweating, feeling disassociated, and then will hobble over to my actual bed after having a drink from the refrigerator.

For a long time I've been actually trying to create my perfect vision of sleep, but I fail every night.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail myself, in not creating the type of sleep that I would like to have for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail at making myself the person I'd like to be, where even if the person I'd like to be isn't the best person, It's for me to realize and discover that.

I commit myself to continue to try to make the best sleeping experience for myself that I can.

I want to switch over to something else for today.

I want to write about another thing my mom said, she said to write about dealing with difficult people, which can happen to anyone from time to time.

What really got me thinking though, was how much dealing with difficult people seemed to imply blaming them as being difficult, it seemed more like an opinion, a personal strife in relationship to someone else's behavior.

My mom had a good point, and I want to try it out somehow.

So I think, anyone can do that, and it can happen to anyone, when someone just makes things more difficult for you, mathematically, I do the same thing to other people from time to time, there's so much tension and stress, that it just happens.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with anger when someone else gives me a hard time, and intentionally makes things more difficult for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider the other person's perspective and experiences and consider why they did what they did, and within this, not immediately going into hate or spite, but allowing myself to understand what is occurring, to better approach and respond to the actual situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge someone else as being bad, or mean, or saying that's just how this person is, when that's not what I would like to give to myself, where I'd like to be reasonable, and give myself many opportunity, but how can I when I judge other's as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take other's action's that I don't like, or make things harder for me personally, when if I actually opened up the situation within myself, I'd realize it is having nothing to do with me, as it wasn't my actions and decisions for another to make.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge other's when they have affects on my me and my life that I don't agree with, because it is easier than actually standing up to or facing the problem.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with attacks on other's character, when I'm just fighting fire with fire, as creating the same problem that I did not agree with in the first place, showing me the need to find a way to take the problem back to myself, resolving the fight alone, because the fight is just between me and myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to complicate my internal conflicts by making other's complicit in my own contrived con, as conflict.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have trouble dealing with other people within myself, where I take another person, and I put them inside of myself, and I'm comparing myself to them, and basically putting each of us in each other's shoes, and not liking what I find within myself in relationship to them, where I say, if I was them, and I had done that, I would be a jerk, so there a jerk, when really I was the jerk, for judging myself a jerk, and not supporting myself to the best of my abilities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge my system's up with nasty thoughts as fueling my backchat reactions and perceptions, which influence's me to not utilize my ability of taking it back to myself, where anyone can do whatever in the whole world they'd please, but my only responsibility is to take my relationship to said thing, back to myself, self forgiveness, I'm neither obliged nor responsible to forgive any one else, only my relationship to anyone else within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define being influenced by nasty thoughts and reactions of anger as normal and natural, to excuse myself form having to face how much harder things become when I react, and act out of spite as thoughts and perceptions, and totally negate my ability to simply take the point back to myself, and forgive it.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize nothing can be accomplished when I'm blaming other's and cannot even see the point within myself, meaning I cannot even forgive until I have admitted I have a problem.

I admit I have a problem.

I admit I am the problem.

I admit I cause problems for other's.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cause problems for other's where I would just the same like to not have problems caused for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing myself as evil, as creating problems and conflicts for other's where I'd like to think I do no such thing, when it is never so simple.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge other's as evil, where I am in total fear of seeing the parts of me within myself that are vile or evil.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself having nasty thoughts and perceptions about people, as I realize and utilize the skill and art of taking it back to myself, as realizing who am I in this situation, as the relevant point needed to take self forgiveness, as realizing I have a problem, not blaming another for also having a problem equal to mine.

Day 91- Self Forgiveness Sucks Sometimes

Today I don't want to write.

I don't have any ideas.

I'm tired, and have problems, that I have made, but do not even want to address.

So, that means today is the best writing I will ever do.

I will improve, and introspect, and express better than I ever had, because I am facing the wall within myself, and knocking it down.

The idea of stringing several scripts of self forgiveness seems mountainous and almost repulsive.

So, it will be the best forgiveness I have ever written.

Because I am standing as a directive principle,

I don't want to do this today, but I am defining my true colors by writing when I have no energetic incentive, it does not make me happy, or feel better, I just know it will be what is best for me down the line, it will be what is best for life, and I am acting on that alone.

Next, the harder part is structuring and coming up with ideas for this day's post.

I already have trouble coming up with ideas, I struggle to think of an idea for a post and to stick with it, my ideas always have to be inspired, and meaningful, and purposeful, and significant to me and where I am in my life.

I want to write about my relationship to girls and dating,

but I want to do that, and it would be all the things I said about being meaningful and relative to where I am in my life, so I should write about something that means nothing to me, something that is trivial and pointless.

To think up something that doesn't matter to me, I utilized my mom, and she said to write about the difference between men and women, and I thought that's dumb, and lame, and I don't want to write about that, so I realized she had made a perfect answer.

The difference between men and women is the opposite of me writing about my relationship to girls, because it's looking at the broader picture of men and women, instead of just my relationship to women.

Yet it's not a close to my heart where instead of me and my personal relationship to specific women, it's the broader spectrum of men vs. women, and how I view that.

My mom is falling asleep on the couch, and had some valuable insight.

"Hi new's caster this is Deb, I am thinking about men, and how they are self centered sons of bitches, but on the other hand they can be warm, friendly, and useful."

My mom always has very cool insight when she is falling asleep.

My comment is that I have always viewed women as weaker than men, and more sensitive, but I also always viewed women as very desirable and powerful in their independence.

So, this is not what I wanted to write about initially, but with perseverance and my moms support, I have a very interesting dialog about men women dynamics in development.

My mom was about to fall asleep on the couch, which is not good, because you can get a crink in your neck and not feel well, so I had to find a way to get her to go to bed, so I called my Grandma for back up over the phone (she lives in another state), and we succeeded in persuading my mom to go to bed and not sleep on the couch, while on the phone I asked my grandma for her opinion about the difference between men and women.

She said the following,

"Women are more social"

"They seem to need friends, more than men do, because men can get involved in different things and not miss companionship."

"Men don't seem to require friends around them all the time."

"Mostly the friends that they have, are someone they have mutual interest."

So from not wanting to write, to writing about what I do not want to write about, to having a lot of fun with my mom, and then my grandma over the  phone all supporting me to write.

It's still hard because I just don't care.

I don't care that the way I view and perceive the difference between men and women could be effecting the way I live and interact, it could be affecting my relationships with all people at all times, and I'm certain that it is after reviewing the mathematics in my head.

So I know exactly what to say, but just don't care, making it the most meaningful self forgiveness ever, because I am making myself care, as the directive principle, picking myself up from rock bottom.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not care about how I view the difference between men and women, where I know I could improve my relationships through how I perceive men and women, and empower myself as a human being, but I don't want to put in the effort.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself be rotten in the way I have allowed myself to view myself and the world around me, because it's easier to be rotten, then it is to pick yourself up from rock bottom.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself define myself as too lazy to act out against what is wrong within my world, as what I have created, as my own responsibility, because that's not right.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I cannot stand out against any injustice within my reality in any way, when I can not stand up against injustice within myself.

Now I'm thinking a lot about social justice.

About race relationships, feminists, and men's right's activists.

I just thought it was all amusing, I'm over here like, 'who cares? Just be cool with everyone'

Now I think, it's not so simple.

It's a real paradigm shift, thinking about how my mind's set up over time and structured, affects to this day my relationship with all of life, in this case just out of gender, but certainly streaming further into other aspects of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear just how deep the rabbit hole goes, where I wonder if anything within me is actually real and sincere, or is it all just programming I had no awareness over.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let fear waver me in standing as the directive principle, as regardless of what is, isn't, or could have been, I must continue my work and research with Desteni, and self forgiveness, as my one true purpose, to create life for myself and other's as equal to myself that is best for life.

I say that because, yeah it's crazy to think about something that you didn't think mattered, and realize it probably, and certainly matters a lot.

Like being stoned and thinking all kinds of crazy mind bending things, that you can't remember, or never mattered, by the time you sober up.

That's why I want to have something for myself in the dark times, and in the light times.

I am walking a process, and no matter what is reveled about myself, or other's, I want to remain standing on principle, as directing my being to what matters the most, like a magnet.
 
I commit myself to reinvent my instinct, to direct me to what is best for all of life.

I commit myself to become a magnet, that is attracted to, and attracts what is best for all of life.

I commit myself to reform the very fabric of my perceptions at any cost, to entail that what I see, is what is here, and I can make the best decisions for life, based on the best input of information.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view men and women as anything other than equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to believe that I am better than someone else, and pinning the tail on women, as viewing myself as stronger and better.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear a women ever knowing I do or have seen them that way, when it is that fear that shows me the true nature of this perception through judgement and emotion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge women as being weak because of being so emotional.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in turn, judge myself as being weak when I become emotional.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put strain on myself in trying to figure out what this dynamic and difference is between men and women, when in reality we are what we are, and what I make of that, is on me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for how I perceive things, because I believe myself to be smart, and know everything, so how could I see things not for what they are.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I know the way thing are, when I have been in situations where I have no idea what's going on, and am totally lost in those moments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel emotionally depressed and scared through the word 'lost', when I can't figure something or someone out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as needing to be right and know it all to be stable and content within my world, where you just can't know it all, that's a pipe dream.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to figure out other's when what I really need is to figure out myself, man know thy self.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I react as becoming depressed when I cannot figure out the difference between men and women, as I realize myself simply actin
g out the systematic desire to control my environment, when I am just making up for a loss within myself, and what I must do in these moments is realize what is missing within myself that I feel I must control my environment, and in that realize self honesty, and realize, Man Know Thy Self.

Day 90- Have to Go to Work

When I was a kid I used to say that I was sick when I really didn't feel like going to school.

I have never called off work for personal issues, or when I really could have just gone in and just didn't feel well.

Yet, I think about it here and there, where I really feel I need some more time to myself.

Usually to just binge on some kind of media, or to rest more.

Once I'm at work, I have everything under control, and I get the job done, but I'm really thinking about before I have even gone into work yet.

I'm anxious about work, but once I get there, I don't really seem to have any problems at all, some times I wish I could stay longer at work, more so than when I feel I want to just go home, so there's no good reason to feel so anxious about going to do something I'm good at and enjoy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anxious about going into work, when there's no reason to create that debilitating expression, when I enjoy working, and am good at the jobs I have.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear all the things that could go wrong with work, when in reality nothing ever goes wrong like I imagine it doing in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a relationship to work within my mind where things will go bad and be difficult and scary, when in reality, I can't remember my fears about work ever being manifested even once, to the extent I had imagined.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to leave whatever I am doing to go to work, when I know that once I'm at work I will all but forget about anything outside of work.

So, this is just hitting some things on the head, seeing through some of the illusion of my anxiety.

I don't want to leave what I'm doing, be it friends, a game, an activity; once I'm at work I'm totally focused on work.

I am afraid of getting into trouble or something bad happening; my fears of something bad happening at work have never manifested to the extent I imagined them.

I generally don't like the idea of having to go into a place and do certain things; I actually have usually enjoyed the responsibility of work, and enjoy the work I do, so once again, another fabrication.

I'm fighting my ego, I'm fighting myself, the part of me that knows I can go in, get it done, and enjoy having to work, and the part of me that will not tolerate having to work at any cost, even if it makes me worse off, such as creating anxiety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify with the part of myself that wants to and enjoys working, when in reality I'm just over shadowing the part of me that hates it all, and wants to sleep, eat, and live in a dream world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to overshadow not wanting to work, when I focus on the light and love of enjoying work, because I do not want to take responsibility for how I at times despise work, and only want to reap the rewards of seeming like someone who is powerful for conquering work, as conquering the world, as the world is nothing but money, and work makes money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a identity conflict within myself, where in reality, I can just admit, sometimes work is fun, sometimes it isn't, I wish I could just enjoy the shit out of work in all ways at all times, but I'm not set up that way, I always foresaw work as equivalent to torture, the end of the road.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see work as something that would deprive me from being able to be fulfilled and complete, when I was younger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to equate work to suffering as torture, as having to endure physical pain and labor beyond my own will.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge how I viewed work as immature and naive, when in reality it is still a part of how I view work, it is still at play within me, so I'm judging not just how I used to view things, but how I view things without even realizing it anymore.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear getting into trouble and conflict with my co-workers where that just doesn't really happen, and if it did I would be able to stand down, and make amends, and when it has happened, it has had to do with interpersonal conflicts, not pertaining to work at all.

So that's another illusion, I don't always have the relationships with the people around me at work, that I might enjoy the most, or desire, but I'm certainly not someone to instigate problems for myself or others, so there simply isn't conflict.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself being anxious about work, as I realize all the reasons I worry as being made up, and I don't want to deal with false realities that upset me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear other people taking there problems out on me at work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to refuse to take that hit, where I am at work, and need to just do whatever is required of me, even if it is not standing up for myself, as I must be humble and do whatever is required to maintain my job, to support myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take it personally when people's personal problems effect how they treat other's at work, as I realize myself as having been effected by my own personal problems and taking them out on other's at work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let personal issues effect my relationship to my work place.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to respond with anger as it being unfair that personal issues effect the work place, where I am viewing the work place as a sacred holy place, where you can just go in and forget about your problems, but it doesn't always work like that, I have to stand up for myself, and not let my own problems effect my work.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself being affected by personal conflicts within the work place, as I realize myself as supporting myself in turning my work into a bastion of self support and enjoyment, as not being trapped in work, but free to live and express myself within my work, to support myself to write, and forgive, and live, at work, as I realize work as a sacred place.