Day 93- Ground Working Dating

I want a girlfriend.

How has my interest in dating been a problem when it is emotionally/feeling charged?

How have I in telling myself I don't mind being alone, and saying it doesn't matter, been a way to divert myself from addressing my actual relationship to relationships.

In a sense I don't care, in that I don't want to hold onto my current relationship to dating, and have seen enough that I am wholly ready to diffuse, and start fresh, probably more effective as well.

I don't experience any solid openings to begin with, and I think that has to do with how much I deflect the point of dating, so I have not even established any ground work.

Setting ground work up for dating also sets ground work up for  relationship's of any kind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to secretly not want to let go of my relationship to dating, where I am not being self honest with myself in telling myself that dating doesn't matter to me, when it actually does, that I can't even see clearly my relationship to dating.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be self honest about my relationship to dating, and in that put up a wall that makes addressing dating even more difficult.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make things even more difficult for myself when I deny that I have a problem, and I cannot forgive myself until I have admitted I have a problem.

So I say, I have a problem with dating.

Not having a girlfriend to me is depressing.

I don't feel depressed, but to me it is depressing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view not having a girlfriend as depressing, putting myself on the fence, where I am always harboring the potential for depression in relationship to not having a girlfriend at any moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to hold myself in the imprint of apathy, as living the word apathy in relationship to not having a girlfriend to make me feel better.

I used to enjoy living the word apathy, and it was like an adrenaline rush, or a dopamine rush, where nothing mattered, sometimes pertaining to not having a girlfriend.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live the word apathy in relationship to not having a girlfriend because it made me feel better.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want a girlfriend, to feel better within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tolerate a lesser form and expression of dating, where I'm just making up for my own inadequate nature I've developed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge dating unconditionally as two people sharing and expressing and committing to each other, as lesser than dating to feel better about one self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge dating to feel better about myself as defining a bad relationship, when it is how two people walk out of that spectrum together that defines the relationship's inherit value.

How do you obtain a relationship?

They don't teach you that in school.

To me it seems to be something that just happens, you meet someone new, and realize you each like each like each other.

It seems to me very difficult to just go out of your way to find a relationship, like it isn't the way relationships are structured in the matrix.

Like they're structured to be preordained, and seem meaningful, and sound like two people are soul mates, when they're just two people looking for the same thing and find it in each other.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe finding a special someone is fate, when the actual appearance of how dating works seems very shallow, just two people who have something to be gained from each other, just like any other relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge relationships of mutual interest as being bad, because it does not fit the beautiful mold in my spirit of a perfect relationship.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I need to build a perfect relationship with myself, where I only know so much of another person no matter how close I am to them, I will always hold everything of myself within myself, and must realize that as the relationship to be perfected.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold it personally that I don't have a relationship with a girl, where I believe the hand of God, or the hand of fate has is it out for me, or that there is some mysterious part of my expression that does not click with girls.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be depressed I don't have a girlfriend, regardless of the reason.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of the idea that I don't need a relationship, when I could still have a relationship, simply coming from a better place within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want a relationship to have control in my life, where dating is an extension of my desire to control my reality, to have the reality exactly how I fantasies or desire.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to punish myself for not having a girlfriend as not enjoying my expression as much as I could be.

I commit myself to, stop, breath, when and as I see myself, desiring that I have a girlfriend in my life, as I realize myself as complete on my own, and girlfriend's just being something that you figure out as you go along, but not something that inherently defines my relationship to myself, because that is inane and counter productive no matter what, like playing into the hands of the system, full out, playing into the hands of the system as it is, is not best for life.

Sometimes I think about the way the system is and how much I need to work, and then how much time I need for myself to write, and do other responsibilities, and I just don't see how I could have time for a girl friend, and that makes me sad.

There's really nothing to that, I just don't want to be sad, but it seems to be a good point about reality, and how much time is consumed with work and school and responsibility, and it's hard to arrange anything when everyone else has the same things with different schedules.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel alone when it seems like with my schedule being busy and so are everyone else's how will I ever have time to have a girlfriend, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get so worked up over having a girl friend, when in reality it doesn't really matter within my purpose or agenda, and I know that I can live my life and be happy and content on my own, or maybe meet someone further down the line.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be insecure without a girl friend.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as needing a girl friend to feel secure about who I am and what I am doing with my life.

It's not that I don't think I could be celibate if it came to it, and it's not that I feel like that's what I want even after writing out self forgiveness, I obviously would still be interested in a relationship, it's just really difficult, and I'm just happy the way I am, and I'd like to embrace that.

I just have to keep reiterating just how much I've defined myself over time as needing a girl friend.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define needing a girl friend as being a part of my soul.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define needing a girl friend as part of my heart and in my blood.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by my genetic wiring to feel disposed and worthless without a girlfriend, when if love is in the DNA passed down or is just from culture, I'm the one who continues to create it, and I want to create self love, self sustainability, I want to create what's best and forgive myself, and enjoy my life, and that's what is going to come first for me, absolutely girlfriend or not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise my principles and integrity for a relationship to girls, where it's like I'm in a haze and am being influenced by myself in relationship to love and just the agenda of the relationship itself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to turn my situation into something that feels uplifting and inspiring, when there's nothing to be moved by, I just want to be able to efficiently stand by and move as myself in each breathe, I want to live not be moved by pictures and feelings.

It makes for a really good self forgiveness, because the idea of coming to terms with dating and sexuality is such a big thing to tackle all at once in writing, it's something that develops over such a long period of time, it's like a big breathe of fresh air.

I have a lot of things ahead of me, and I want to work and develop my responsibility and improving my life, and what if it did come down to me, not dating for a while, or putting it outside of my mind for who knows how long, forever?

I want to date, deep down I know I could really enjoy a girl, a companion, a serious relationship, but I've bounced around ideas of celibacy for a long time as well, I like to be alone, and focused, and independent, I like to be proud of myself, self pride, I like to work on myself, and as much as I'd like to share that and walk with some else, it doesn't hurt to face.... In fact it is beneficial in this case at least, to face the worst possible outcome, and knowing I'd 'float on', I'd still thrive, I'd still be OK.

I want to write out what my goal is here, obviously as stated this is just ground work, but as much possible now, and down the line, I want to be able to walk in each day, fulfilled with who I am single or married, or dating, or interested in dating someone, I want to see the snake, the system, the feeling of love and energy rise up, and me to make the decision, to stand to breathe, to live this post, live my forgiveness, dating or not dating, I want to stop, breathe, when and as, I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as, I see myself indulging in the feeling of love, in crushing, where I'm crushing myself, because whether the girl I like, likes me in return or not, that love is just energy, just the opposite of hate, and I've seen enough to know where I'd like to stand, so I'm making as many affirmations as possible, as much forgiveness and self realization as possible, to give myself the best arsenal of tools in each breathe at my disposal to stand, where I have hit rock bottom, and I just want to stand back up, no matter what happens, with nothing to lose, nothing to love, and everything to gain.

I must be fulfilled, I must be the one to fulfill myself, regardless.