Day 90- Have to Go to Work

When I was a kid I used to say that I was sick when I really didn't feel like going to school.

I have never called off work for personal issues, or when I really could have just gone in and just didn't feel well.

Yet, I think about it here and there, where I really feel I need some more time to myself.

Usually to just binge on some kind of media, or to rest more.

Once I'm at work, I have everything under control, and I get the job done, but I'm really thinking about before I have even gone into work yet.

I'm anxious about work, but once I get there, I don't really seem to have any problems at all, some times I wish I could stay longer at work, more so than when I feel I want to just go home, so there's no good reason to feel so anxious about going to do something I'm good at and enjoy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anxious about going into work, when there's no reason to create that debilitating expression, when I enjoy working, and am good at the jobs I have.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear all the things that could go wrong with work, when in reality nothing ever goes wrong like I imagine it doing in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a relationship to work within my mind where things will go bad and be difficult and scary, when in reality, I can't remember my fears about work ever being manifested even once, to the extent I had imagined.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to leave whatever I am doing to go to work, when I know that once I'm at work I will all but forget about anything outside of work.

So, this is just hitting some things on the head, seeing through some of the illusion of my anxiety.

I don't want to leave what I'm doing, be it friends, a game, an activity; once I'm at work I'm totally focused on work.

I am afraid of getting into trouble or something bad happening; my fears of something bad happening at work have never manifested to the extent I imagined them.

I generally don't like the idea of having to go into a place and do certain things; I actually have usually enjoyed the responsibility of work, and enjoy the work I do, so once again, another fabrication.

I'm fighting my ego, I'm fighting myself, the part of me that knows I can go in, get it done, and enjoy having to work, and the part of me that will not tolerate having to work at any cost, even if it makes me worse off, such as creating anxiety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify with the part of myself that wants to and enjoys working, when in reality I'm just over shadowing the part of me that hates it all, and wants to sleep, eat, and live in a dream world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to overshadow not wanting to work, when I focus on the light and love of enjoying work, because I do not want to take responsibility for how I at times despise work, and only want to reap the rewards of seeming like someone who is powerful for conquering work, as conquering the world, as the world is nothing but money, and work makes money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a identity conflict within myself, where in reality, I can just admit, sometimes work is fun, sometimes it isn't, I wish I could just enjoy the shit out of work in all ways at all times, but I'm not set up that way, I always foresaw work as equivalent to torture, the end of the road.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see work as something that would deprive me from being able to be fulfilled and complete, when I was younger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to equate work to suffering as torture, as having to endure physical pain and labor beyond my own will.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge how I viewed work as immature and naive, when in reality it is still a part of how I view work, it is still at play within me, so I'm judging not just how I used to view things, but how I view things without even realizing it anymore.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear getting into trouble and conflict with my co-workers where that just doesn't really happen, and if it did I would be able to stand down, and make amends, and when it has happened, it has had to do with interpersonal conflicts, not pertaining to work at all.

So that's another illusion, I don't always have the relationships with the people around me at work, that I might enjoy the most, or desire, but I'm certainly not someone to instigate problems for myself or others, so there simply isn't conflict.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself being anxious about work, as I realize all the reasons I worry as being made up, and I don't want to deal with false realities that upset me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear other people taking there problems out on me at work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to refuse to take that hit, where I am at work, and need to just do whatever is required of me, even if it is not standing up for myself, as I must be humble and do whatever is required to maintain my job, to support myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take it personally when people's personal problems effect how they treat other's at work, as I realize myself as having been effected by my own personal problems and taking them out on other's at work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let personal issues effect my relationship to my work place.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to respond with anger as it being unfair that personal issues effect the work place, where I am viewing the work place as a sacred holy place, where you can just go in and forget about your problems, but it doesn't always work like that, I have to stand up for myself, and not let my own problems effect my work.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself being affected by personal conflicts within the work place, as I realize myself as supporting myself in turning my work into a bastion of self support and enjoyment, as not being trapped in work, but free to live and express myself within my work, to support myself to write, and forgive, and live, at work, as I realize work as a sacred place.