There are so many things already in play.
I have up to this point in my life been compounding and wiring so much, there is not much to be done in each moment, but to breathe.
Just remain stable, remain cool, move forward, forgive, live.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to change the systems I have created within myself over time, when all I accomplish is rewiring.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize how catastrophically wrong the system I have created is, and that I need to totally start over through self forgiveness and that change at this point is irrelevant, unless utilized for introspection and self support.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear living with dangerous systems within me waiting to be activated, as I realize that as another reason to breathe in self awareness, anger, hatred, judgement and how I act on such things is scary to think about what I might do at any given moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what I am brewing as containing within myself when that does not support me for taking self responsibility for said thing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having no way to actually change outside of self forgiveness as I remember I must live my forgiveness, and I am always living and breathing, so always have the opprituinuty to change for real as the living word, in a single breathe.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to consider how much self forgiveness meant to me at different points in my life, where I lived the passion for what I was writing.
Where living the words and writing and speaking the words was all one and equal.
So of course the systems are already at play, but that used to be a driving force for me.
I commit myself to support myself in change, apposed to real change, where I allow myself to be driven by the passion to change for real, to live, breathe, write, and speak the words with drive purpose focus and action.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear fighting to push myself to do more self forgiveness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define self forgiveness as all or nothing, when I could write one or two sentences here or there, or one or two commitments here or there, or just write something random out, or speak self forgiveness while doing an activity, and within this seeing what options I have to give to myself, and how it is not an all or nothing task, where I either fail or succeed.
That's my gift to deal with the systems, play, have fun, work, have discipline, just learn a good pace, work on stability, work on expressing myself.
Live, love laugh.
Hate, fail, forgive.
My only sentence is as long as I make it, and what I make of it doesn't matter so much.
So, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the systems I am living with, when it doesn't matter how I feel about them, they will influence me, and define how the world will continue to exsist, and I will continue to be lost in fear, without guidance.
I get writers block.
But it isn't a big secret, I just don't want to write about anything in particular, and I'm not inspired, I just want to improve more.
I want to improve but am not willing to put the pen to the paper.
Sometimes self forgiveness is improve, I am just randomly inspired to speak something of self forgiveness aloud, a random moment of inspiration.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to use all the things I have seen learnt experienced understood, about self forgiveness and all that I have already applied for myself, as a reason to push, to pull, to be inspired, to know I can figure this out.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt, that I can figure this out, that I can walk my process of self forgiveness, and do what is best for life, and put all the pieces together.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself in putting my process together because I don't have it all together just this very moment, even though I can see it and understand it up on the horizon, I simply don't have it all right here this very second.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as needing to have the full picture of equality, self forgiveness, and doing what is best for life, right this moment to have drive focus and intuition, when I have had more than enough experience with all these things to know, all that is required is the time to sit down, and put it together, speak, shout, sing, write, draw self forgiveness, 1 + 1. Change myself.
"Save the cheer, leader save the world."
That's from a show I used to watch with my dad, and the first season was all based around saving a cheerleader who couldn't die, from a bad guy who could steal super powers, and if he stole hers, then he would never be able to die, so that would be bad.
It is a little convoluted as it becomes more ingrained with different heroes, and villains, and different motives and poragatives, but the phrase used as the theme throughout the show, "save the cheerleader, save the world" reminds me of what I just said, change myself, change the world.
Which comes first, the chicken or the egg.
Change myself so I will change the world? Or is it just a consequence, or does it really matter, when I know that I will move with the same force and speed and determination regardless.
It doesn't matter, and I've seen that and experimented
with it up close, just forgive, live.
Forgive and live, who do I do that for?
Doesn't matter, I just give it to myself, and live it, doesn't matter why.
It is what I want to live and die, even if it means giving up certain things, and maybe it actually means gaining certain things.
The systems are at play, but I am here, able bodied, and working on putting things back together.
I commit myself.
I praise myself.
I respect myself.
I comend myself.
I know what to do.
When I have a problem, I will know what to do.
When I have a question, I will know the answer.
When I am in pain, I will find release.
When I am lost, I will find myself.
When I am confused, I will find reassurance.
The system is at play, and so I am.
Everything will come in time, everything will come in this moment.
The system has scared me, I have scared myself, I have been scared by the systems I myself have made.
I commit myself to stop scarring myself, I commit myself to stop scaring myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to scare myself within the reality of the system I have created, I forgove myself for accepting and allowing myself to influence myself out of fear, when things did not need to come to that in any way whatsoever.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself into scary situations to make myself stronger, when I don't even ask if they might in fact make me weaker.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that what doesn't kill me, makes me stronger.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as needing to be stronger, when it requires me to go into harms way, in any way, mind or world.
I watched a guy jump into a big bushy cactus, for an internet video.
He screamed out of total terror and pain, after being removed from the cactus.
It was like he was there in that moment of pain, he couldn't hide his screaming in his mind, he couldn't have back chat, he couldn't be anywhere but here, for just a moment.
That's not something I want myself to ever do, I'd rather see myself being careful and respectful around cacti, but there was some kind of lesson to be learned in that scream, I don't think he wanted his friends to hear him screaming the way he did, sounding so vulnerable, and fragile, that's the stuff kept hidden.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I prove that I am strong to myself, then I won't have to hide that I don't see myself as strong.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize if I use the system for a reference as how strong I should be, I will accomplish nothing, and I am as good as dead, because the system at large, will make you starved and bloody before you are ever strong enough or worthy enough.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the message not getting through to me, when I can see that it is, I'm just afraid of my pride.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the people I walk with, as my pride, my pack, my fellows, my peers.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear moments of weakness where I act or speak in ways I would not like to stand for.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value a pride, as a friend, myself, or a pack, that does not stand for life.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I have no choice in this system, because I must keep my priorities straight, and that means what ever stakes it must mean.
I commit myself to stop, breathe, and direct myself as doing what is best for life as not assossiating within my mind of pride as value with people who do not uphold honor and pride as life, as I realize myself as pushing myself to new standards, to new defenitntions of what I will and will not tolerate within my world, and such, I live, I breathe, I forgive, the line is drawn in the sand for now, until it is drawn one day in the stone, day in day out, what's best for life is achieved.
I can see now.
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