Day 86- Ad Nauseam

There is a lot of humility in realizing I need to return to every point I write about.

There is self honesty in recognizing I can't write out anger or depression or a relationship with someone in one sitting.

The idea of one and done, comes from the desire for perfection, to be done all at once.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear addressing a point in my life until Ad Nauseam.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I'm better than sitting down and writing something out that I don't want to write about, until I'm sick of the subject.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act on the preference of writing things out in a way that comes natural, when I could be pushing the bar for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have resolved something within myself each time I write out a point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an idea as an illusion of progress, instead of actually living and applying myself in real time as well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that writing myself out in self forgiveness might just be a placebo effect, instead of actually taking self responsibility and testing myself in real time, in real situations, and garnering real progress from the real feedback of the real world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the illusion of not needing to continuously go into depth about the same point over and over again, because I have never before in my life realized the excessive depth of how I have created my own reality and experience as consciences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in addressing things only on a surface level, because I have only ever learnt how to temporarily patch things up instead of actually coming to a real agreement within myself to create real change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not care about investing in my real progress and improvement and development as a person, where I prefer temporary fixes, that don't require me to drive home real questions, to take real chances within my self investigation.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not admit to myself in self honesty the value of the expression of self forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the idea that, if I'm not spending a valid amount of time addressing my problems, and my world, then something is wrong with me.

Writing Ad Nauseam is the opposite of what I just said.

Where, I don't want to write out what is wrong with me, because something is wrong with me.

I don't want to fix myself, because I am broken.

The act of writing, as self forgiveness, as speaking self forgiveness, speaks for itself.

Writing self forgiveness is living self forgiveness in at least a single moment.

It's the push in this very moment, and other moments like it to come, where I feel as if writing self forgiveness should be a last resort, in addressing some new unfounded problem, where in the moment of pushing through that idea, I find writing to be chiseling who I am, proactive medicine, not just patching old wounds, but creating new tissue, new matter, new definitions of myself.

The issue still remains, even though I know, pushing forward through the valley of evil, lifting the veil one thousand times over, reinventing and reinvigorating myself, is what I manifest through writing,

what do I garner through video games, and tv, and the internet?

A more immediate fix.

A surface level fix.

I survive to reach this moment of writing self forgiveness, but even when I do not need to survive as working, to make money, I still am in the survival mind set.

I need to survive each moment, ad nauseam.

I'm sick of surviving my own problems.

I want to just slow down.

That's a big part of my life the last few days, I need to take a step back.

I want to dream, but I also want to live.

I need to take a step back, and get my priorities in check, get my head straight, get myself together.

I need to start over, I need to begin again, until I'm so sick of it, I have to push through each moment of writing.

What can I return to, where can I start over?

Anxiety.

Such a landmark, such a basic human experience,

even when I'm not Anxious, I'm just existing within the polarity of Anxiety, meaning the Anxiety never leaves even when I'm fulfilled, happy, content, deep down, the anxiety remains.

I've written about anxiety, I've contemplated, talked about, applied, forgiven, committed, but here I take a stand, as standing with myself all over again. Ad Nauseam.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be anxious, because anxiety sucks.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about things that will happen within the feeling of anxiety in relationship to certain outflows of reality as real events, when that's too complicated for me to be ok with right now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be anxious about having to work, when I usually go to work and everything is absolutely fine, and I am the only person creating problems for myself at work, through my own woes and anxieties.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I have the power to stop be anxious and worrying and stressing and fretting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beat myself up and make things worse for myself when I worry about them Ad Nauseam, where I literally worry until I am sick because I have put myself through so much internal turmoil and cannot resolve my own creation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give to myself the soul power, the spiritual power, the power of self forgiveness and living applications, until I don't have to worry and be afraid anymore.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry out of fear for my life and the lives of others, when I don't know what's going on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about what's going on, when I just don't ever know what's going on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about what's going on, instead of just figuring out, writing out, paying attention, observing, learning for real trough oneness and equality, just what is infact going on in any particular moment in my life.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, and knock it off, when and as I see myself sowing the seeds of worry within myself in any way, and living and breathing a new life into myself as one and equal to all, where I can live, act, and create what is best for all of life equal to myself.

Live what is best for all of life equally, and I will always be taken care of as one and equal, by myself.

So do not worry, do not worry, do not worry.

Oneness and equality, one and equal, I say that a lot, I say that ad nauseam, I sound like a robot on repeat, but there is a reason for that, I am trying to reboot myself, I'm trying not to repeat the same sound the same beat, I am reasserting a new code a new language, I am changing myself for real.