Today I don't want to write.
I don't have any ideas.
I'm tired, and have problems, that I have made, but do not even want to address.
So, that means today is the best writing I will ever do.
I will improve, and introspect, and express better than I ever had, because I am facing the wall within myself, and knocking it down.
The idea of stringing several scripts of self forgiveness seems mountainous and almost repulsive.
So, it will be the best forgiveness I have ever written.
Because I am standing as a directive principle,
I don't want to do this today, but I am defining my true colors by writing when I have no energetic incentive, it does not make me happy, or feel better, I just know it will be what is best for me down the line, it will be what is best for life, and I am acting on that alone.
Next, the harder part is structuring and coming up with ideas for this day's post.
I already have trouble coming up with ideas, I struggle to think of an idea for a post and to stick with it, my ideas always have to be inspired, and meaningful, and purposeful, and significant to me and where I am in my life.
I want to write about my relationship to girls and dating,
but I want to do that, and it would be all the things I said about being meaningful and relative to where I am in my life, so I should write about something that means nothing to me, something that is trivial and pointless.
To think up something that doesn't matter to me, I utilized my mom, and she said to write about the difference between men and women, and I thought that's dumb, and lame, and I don't want to write about that, so I realized she had made a perfect answer.
The difference between men and women is the opposite of me writing about my relationship to girls, because it's looking at the broader picture of men and women, instead of just my relationship to women.
Yet it's not a close to my heart where instead of me and my personal relationship to specific women, it's the broader spectrum of men vs. women, and how I view that.
My mom is falling asleep on the couch, and had some valuable insight.
"Hi new's caster this is Deb, I am thinking about men, and how they are self centered sons of bitches, but on the other hand they can be warm, friendly, and useful."
My mom always has very cool insight when she is falling asleep.
My comment is that I have always viewed women as weaker than men, and more sensitive, but I also always viewed women as very desirable and powerful in their independence.
So, this is not what I wanted to write about initially, but with perseverance and my moms support, I have a very interesting dialog about men women dynamics in development.
My mom was about to fall asleep on the couch, which is not good, because you can get a crink in your neck and not feel well, so I had to find a way to get her to go to bed, so I called my Grandma for back up over the phone (she lives in another state), and we succeeded in persuading my mom to go to bed and not sleep on the couch, while on the phone I asked my grandma for her opinion about the difference between men and women.
She said the following,
"Women are more social"
"They seem to need friends, more than men do, because men can get involved in different things and not miss companionship."
"Men don't seem to require friends around them all the time."
"Mostly the friends that they have, are someone they have mutual interest."
So from not wanting to write, to writing about what I do not want to write about, to having a lot of fun with my mom, and then my grandma over the phone all supporting me to write.
It's still hard because I just don't care.
I don't care that the way I view and perceive the difference between men and women could be effecting the way I live and interact, it could be affecting my relationships with all people at all times, and I'm certain that it is after reviewing the mathematics in my head.
So I know exactly what to say, but just don't care, making it the most meaningful self forgiveness ever, because I am making myself care, as the directive principle, picking myself up from rock bottom.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not care about how I view the difference between men and women, where I know I could improve my relationships through how I perceive men and women, and empower myself as a human being, but I don't want to put in the effort.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself be rotten in the way I have allowed myself to view myself and the world around me, because it's easier to be rotten, then it is to pick yourself up from rock bottom.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself define myself as too lazy to act out against what is wrong within my world, as what I have created, as my own responsibility, because that's not right.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I cannot stand out against any injustice within my reality in any way, when I can not stand up against injustice within myself.
Now I'm thinking a lot about social justice.
About race relationships, feminists, and men's right's activists.
I just thought it was all amusing, I'm over here like, 'who cares? Just be cool with everyone'
Now I think, it's not so simple.
It's a real paradigm shift, thinking about how my mind's set up over time and structured, affects to this day my relationship with all of life, in this case just out of gender, but certainly streaming further into other aspects of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear just how deep the rabbit hole goes, where I wonder if anything within me is actually real and sincere, or is it all just programming I had no awareness over.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let fear waver me in standing as the directive principle, as regardless of what is, isn't, or could have been, I must continue my work and research with Desteni, and self forgiveness, as my one true purpose, to create life for myself and other's as equal to myself that is best for life.
I say that because, yeah it's crazy to think about something that you didn't think mattered, and realize it probably, and certainly matters a lot.
Like being stoned and thinking all kinds of crazy mind bending things, that you can't remember, or never mattered, by the time you sober up.
That's why I want to have something for myself in the dark times, and in the light times.
I am walking a process, and no matter what is reveled about myself, or other's, I want to remain standing on principle, as directing my being to what matters the most, like a magnet.
I commit myself to reinvent my instinct, to direct me to what is best for all of life.
I commit myself to become a magnet, that is attracted to, and attracts what is best for all of life.
I commit myself to reform the very fabric of my perceptions at any cost, to entail that what I see, is what is here, and I can make the best decisions for life, based on the best input of information.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view men and women as anything other than equal.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to believe that I am better than someone else, and pinning the tail on women, as viewing myself as stronger and better.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear a women ever knowing I do or have seen them that way, when it is that fear that shows me the true nature of this perception through judgement and emotion.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge women as being weak because of being so emotional.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in turn, judge myself as being weak when I become emotional.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put strain on myself in trying to figure out what this dynamic and difference is between men and women, when in reality we are what we are, and what I make of that, is on me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for how I perceive things, because I believe myself to be smart, and know everything, so how could I see things not for what they are.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I know the way thing are, when I have been in situations where I have no idea what's going on, and am totally lost in those moments.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel emotionally depressed and scared through the word 'lost', when I can't figure something or someone out.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as needing to be right and know it all to be stable and content within my world, where you just can't know it all, that's a pipe dream.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to figure out other's when what I really need is to figure out myself, man know thy self.
I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I react as becoming depressed when I cannot figure out the difference between men and women, as I realize myself simply actin
g out the systematic desire to control my environment, when I am just making up for a loss within myself, and what I must do in these moments is realize what is missing within myself that I feel I must control my environment, and in that realize self honesty, and realize, Man Know Thy Self.
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