I don't write about my dad passing that much, I took a lot of pride in my will to just move on without being phased by his death despite growing up with him and him being there my whole life.
Around the time of his passing I remember when I would talk about it, it was like there was a point of 'feel sympathy for me', even though I wasn't very upset I remember even talking about his death in a grim voice like trying to make it seem like it was more then what it meant to me.
That was about all the impact of his death and then my relationship to it was just using it to manipulate others to feel bad for me just because without a goal behind it just seeing it as something that empowered me gave me character in the eyes of others, which is an entire point to write out a really twisted thing to have done in my words in my relationship to others.
But I'm just remembering that point right now, but the point I want to work on is how when my mom will talk about dads passing, it will remind me of it, where if she didn't speak about it so often I'd not really remember, but sometimes in those moment of her talking about him, I'll remember him, and then when I remember him I'm shocked, because when I really remember him, I remember his as such a good person, I remember him as having such a unquie expression, being such an individual, such a caring person, such humor, and then there's like a little blink of sadness, like feeling a little sick for just a moment realizing who I've lost not in my relationship to him but in what relationship I could have had with him maybe, like I wish that guy had lived longer her was really intresting and unquie, I wish I'd gotten to know him better.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad when I remember who my dad was on a deep level.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not getting closer to my dad while he was alive where in retrospect I remember just how much depth there was too him that I wish I could have gotten to know him closer.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal that he died, like 'that was my dad, that's not fair that my dads dead, I wanted him to stay alive, he's mine'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as selfish for not caring about such a unquie person who could have been so good for me in my life to have passed away.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not getting to have gotten closer to my dad when I made my choice for how to spend my time and my focus and I got what I deserved out of it as nothing but consquences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like an idiot for missing out on getting to know my dad where if I had just sorted my own shit out sooner I'd have been in the postion I am in now, where now, I'd have loved to have my dad around and would have appreciated him much better now then before.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to just Define it as fate that I was at where I was at in my process that I was so isolated and compromised that I didn't even notice as my dad was swept up from under my feet and dying.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad that such a great person died when I remember my dad when everyone dies, and it's not like being a good person means you don't have to face death, which he did even face in a kind of dignity from remembering how quiet and peaceful he was about dying.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my dads death for my own agenda like becoming a character within it like, 'wow I really just don't care, I'm very indiffrent, very powerful in just being so selfish to not care about anything.'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad in self intrest that I didn't get to know my dad better where,
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret realizing how special and unquie a person my dad was until after he is gone
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my dad as special as being a unquie person where he seemed diffrent he seemed to stand out from anyone else I've ever known in retrospect.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad that the world had lost his unqiue expression when being a unquie person doesn't really matter at this point in time when things need to start changing it doesn't really matter if unquie people exist or not unless theyre unquie and standing out in making a good change in themselves and others which I do think my dad did because he was a very good father in some ways, but in other ways he could have taught me more dicipline and not been so laze fair.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be possive over my dad like that's mine, that was my dad, I owned that dad, it was my friend, my buddy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss my dad as my best friend.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disgusted in sadness that I'll never find a friend as good as my dad
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go out of control after my dad died.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel emotionally out of contorl after my dad passed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have my dad back to be able to build upon myself through him.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I have no direction without my dad
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I've lost something in my dad dying.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad such a happy person has died.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the moments when he was dying and he was no longer the happy person he used to be in those moments but was drained of his character like he wasn't himself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss having such a happy person around.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry seeing such a happy person get tortured by disease for over a year being stripped of their happieness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel horrified of the evil being done onto a good innocent happy man as I saw my dad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume all these things of my dad as a good happy person when I only saw things from my limited end and don't really know who he was in his depth where I know there was a lot of depth to him and know that his happy persona was only one part of him, where I know he had a grim serious side to him as well, which was pretty cool to see how he could swtich around like that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad that I wish I could go back and be with him again.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry that I can't appreciate him like I did when I was younger anymore
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I didn't appreciate my dad in the last few years of his life where I stopped going out and playing tennis with him like I used to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not playing tennis with him the last few years of his life because I was so isolated and in my own head and not involed with the world around me in a dark part of my own process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my dad died because of me because he was such a family person that maybe I killed him, mabye he got sick because he saw me drifting away and just gave up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry at myself for being selfish that even if it wouldn't have saved his life I wish I'd not have been so selfish and isolated in my own bubble to at least have spent better quality of time with him when even the times we had together I was so bubbled in my own fantasy world that I wasn't great compony.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss my dad because he made a lot of money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that I am not sad about my dad passing because I don't think about it and it doesn't come to mind where right now I'm getting a little sad it's just a very burried emotion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that I'm resolved in relationship to my dad based on surface evidence not really digging int deep like right now.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss going on vacaction with my dad where he loved getting to take me and mom out on vacation and he worked very hard and seemed to desrve it to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncontrolable sadness remembering my dad like there's nothing in me that has the will power or grip to be able to take on those memories of him head on, where they just don't come up on their own and don't bother me unless I really directly gaze into them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unresolved in relationship to my dad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care more about my dad then other people equally
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I must have some special release for such a special pesron when people die all the time I just don't see them special like my dad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fixate over this point of my dad being special when whatever was special about him being diffrent and unquie he was still one and equal to anyone else, whatever it was I saw in him I could realize it in myself by simply being able to see it in him.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my dad as special in selfishness the same way I see myself as special in selifhly valuing things of myself over others, and so doing the same to my dad, and so then feeling I've lost a special part of myself in my dad better then everyone else.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry at how stupid the entire situation of his death was, that I see it as if he should have just held out a little bit longer and then maybe he'd have gotten better as I've gotten better in my own internal issues.
When and as I see myself feeling sad about my dads death remembering his unquie expression, I stop, I breathe, I realize that him having a special unquie expression that really stood out from anyone else doesn't make him less or more then one and equal just diffrent but still equal, the same way a cat and a dog or both unquie in being diffrent from each other but one and equal in substance, thus, I commit myself to breathe, and to relax not obsessing over my memories of him but also not supressing them just letting them all ride out letting them flow the same way that I remember my dad having a flow about him.
I commit myself to stop obsessing over how horrible it was that my dad died as seeing him as special, as I realize his death was equal to every other being who dies every day, and I sinserely am just holding onto him in sadness because I've judged him as special somehow.
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