A very long time ago I had one small backchat which I acted and made an agreement with. The one small step I made to act on this thought which appeared in my head was to date the most horrifically consequential thing I have ever done, and is something nearly a decade later I have yet to recover from.
I remember being in an airport, I think it was a layover, and I think it was coming back from a vacation with my mom and dad, around 16 years old, and I remember feeling very small in relation to the other Destonians and to process and the challenge and discipline and work I understood at that point that process would require of me.
I remember crying, and I remember my mind, the devil sitting right there on my shoulder, and telling me why don't you take a break from this for a while. I call that thought the devil, because it was like the devil on one shoulder, and the strength and courage to stand and endure the challenge as the angel on the other shoulder.
I remember almost perfectly synchronized me making the choice to take a break and I remember in that moment an energy was present and had emerged, and I wanted to play with it.
In one small moment, in one small thought, in one small energy experience, I took one small step to go play with the energy, I told myself I would come back in 2.5 years, I have absolutely no idea where this number came from, it was not written down, I just agreed to go play for 2.5 years. And as I recall that is very very close to how long I took my break for. I did not remember even having agreed to come back to Desteni/self forgiveness when I finally did come back around that general time frame, it was something absolutely ridiculous that I have discussed in blogs prior that was the cause for me to snap out of this trance and return to self forgiveness.
(Upon rereading this blog and considering the topics I end up broaching later on I will just go ahead and mention at this point that I did heroin and in the euphoria of being high on heroin I started to do self forgiveness for the first time in 2.5 years, I did not do this but a few times and never made a habit or addiction, but for this reason in the past I have referred to heroin as my hero because I just did it a few times and it made me feel super good and lead me to doing self forgiveness and beginning my process again, so I thought that was pretty great, I might not be walking process at this moment if I had not done heroin for all I know it was the only thing that snapped me back into process)
The problem is that the damage I had done to myself energetically fucking myself for over 2 years was so extensive, I was already struggling in relationship to self forgiveness at the time and obviously that played a part of why I wanted to take a break which for some totally unbeknownst reason to me was a 2.5 year break, apposed to a 2.5 hour break. There was no reason present in that moment it was totally nonsensical sprung out of desperation it was as if my mind knew how compromised I was in that moment so attempted to get the most ridiculous amount of time out of me as possible and I cluelesly agreed.
Even when I came back I to this day never really became effective in my self forgiveness.
To this day the energy I fucked around with still fucks with me, in every single breath I feel energy fucking with me.
I took that one small step of cowardice of delusion of selfishness, and I just kept stepping over and over and over, and I kept promising myself there was a reward a purpose a reason to my behavior.
I'm lucky to at least be here back on track even if I still need to figure out how to be effective with self forgiveness it's better than nothing.
To this day there is a resentment I hold towards myself, 'you fucked me', 'look at x look at y look z, you could have been like them', 'you could have been one of the best, and now you are undoubtedly the worst'. 'You chose the worst path, next only to death itself.'
It hasn't just fucked me, it's fucked every single person I could have supported, every person I could have supported to walk and begin process.
I sit here feeling within myself as if I am still in that moment that I fell and did not stand back up for 2.5 years.
I feel in each breath as if I am in a time loop repeating over and over and over in each breath, nothing really changing, a part of me wondering if I can really change or not, exactly the same thought that I had the moment I fell a decade ago.
Swirling swirling energy tempting me to come play, and the thought that I cannot change anyway so why not go play. That's what I experienced then, and that's what I still feel here stuck for a decade in the same moment, but the energy doesn't have to tempt me to come and play any longer, it's already got me, it's already got me so it doesn't have to tempt me and lie and call it fun and playing because this is total absolute self suppression on the deepest level feasible, this is not fun but it's too late to make it stop, or at least it feels too late after trying everything to reverse what I have created after over 7 years of having return to Desteni, they say you can walk you process in 7 years, I've spent 7 years since I came back simply trying to begin mine.
I've written self forgiveness about the regret about this point already, although more will certainly be needed and to an extent I certainly think I need to just start over the process of self forgiveness and relearn it from the ground up anyway.
With that said I concluded I need to start over in DIP pro I was barely a few months into it way back last I was enrolled.
So by paying, or by sponsorship, however they are running the program I need to just start over in DIP and figure out how the hell to forgive myself for real before I die and am trapped in this unbelievably nasty prison for eternity.
I'm extremely unhappy with what I have created, I cannot fathom and won't even attempt to pretend to have a clue how fucked up my eternity would look like should I die in this state.
I commit myself to enroll in DIP pro so I can figure out how to forgive myself and walk with Desteni for real.
I commit myself to figure out how to forgive myself for real.
I commit myself to breath by breath give my complete and absolute effort into finding a way to save myself from this hell I experience in each breath.
Every breath feels like I'm on a ship out at sea bending and breaking before the waves, and I want to throw up because I am so dizzy and so tired of rocking back and forth out at sea, but I am numb because I feel there is no escape other than to just go numb and supress... and yet should I stay numb and just suppress I would only invite death to take me sooner if I just admitted defeat and sat here and waiting to die, I truly believe I might just die the most nasty disgusting pathetic death that may have ever ocurred, I might just die with the least amount of integrity of anyone who has ever died on this planet. I don't want to die like that. It doesn't make me sad to think of dying like that, I just genuinely would like to live, and I commit myself to do anything I have to do to prevent this nightmare from being all that I am at the moment of death. I commit myself to fight like hell to prevent hell from being all that I am, the furthest thing from being worthy of life. The opposite of life. If there was one being who was the devil out of everyone the most evil, that's what I feel inside. I see no life inside of me in this moment and I just feel tired.
I remember wanting the positive the happy the pictures the colors. I wanted my mind at least one last time, now I have it, and it has me possibly till death.
I commit myself to become a warrior and to fight for my life in each moment no matter if I never have a moment of happiness ever again because if I died now the eternal lack of happiness would be all but a certainty.
I commit myself to fight till the last breath to find a way to save myself, and support others to do the same.
One last thought
I had a mental break down last year.
I've explained this to people but I don't know if this has ever happened to anyone before on the level it happened to me, but I'd like to at least share it with the world.
I had a lot going on around the beginning of last year, and it lead me to having a over week long, possibly even over 2 week long psychosis.
I was having endless rampant paranoid thoughts that seemed so so real that it was like something snapped inside of me and it released some bizarre toxin inside of my brain.
If someone really bothered to read this all the way to the bottom then here is where I would hide away and just again at least have it on record for the sake of record sake, my paranoia was so extreme I genuinely believed I was going to be tortured in thr most disgusting evil way possible, I imagined men coming and taking me to this disgusting pit of shit and other people being toruted there with me and it all being my fault and that I had fucked reality, I thought reality was imploding and all that was left on earth was to be me and others being kept alive in a disgusting dark torture facility being abused for all of eternity stuck here on earth. I believed this so so much in that day that I grabbed a knife and intended to fall onto the knife plunging it I no my heart so I could escape the torture facility before I was captured. I held the knife to my heart and tried to make my body fall directly upon the knife, but my body would not allow me to fall onto the knife despite actually legitimately trying to convince my body to do so, I begged my body to let me fall I imagined I could run and leap onto the knife impaling myself into the heart. But I could not drive myself to do so. Thank you body for not allowing me to do that because I could have died and or fucked myself up pretty bad. I also was planning to take my car and drive it on the highway going as fast as possible to kill myself before I was captured by these imaginary boogeyman, but that fortunately also did not pan out because I was displaying signs of being unwell to the people I lived with and was intercepted before I could drive the car onto the highway.
So that could have ended poorly, and fortunately I'm not struggling with any mental illness like that extent any longer, but what I actually wanted to talk about regarding that mental health crisis is a smell.
Part of what drove home this psychotic paranoid delusion I was having was that anytime I stepped outside, specifically not inside, but I only when I stepped outside did I smell the most putrid, most horrid, most disgusting thing I ever smelled in my life.
The smell was as if fear and evil together had a child or were combined together, and it was the most rancid nuclear reality decaying disgusting thing I have ever smelled. I have never smelled anything even close to resembling that smell, and it was there in the air for days and days and days the I only way to truly avoid it was by staying inside.
I had just one more mental break down many months later in the year where encountered the smell again.
I like to think this smell, is my smell, I think this smell was me a part of me, why else would I he the only one who could smell it no matter who I asked or where I went the smell was there in the air in the at most fear atmosphere. It was only smelled outside in the atmosphere.
I think that smell is what my soul smells like, normally I just feel numb and a little grouchy about how fucked up I am no matter what i do or how much I write self forgiveness.
But that smell, I have to think is a part of me why else could only I smell it, it was me, hello me, you are the most terrifying demonic horror beyond horrors, no book no story no nothing ever ever ever could have relayed how disgustingly frighteningly terrifyingly evil and horrible it was to smell that smell.
What if I had died in that moment and that experience was who I was in the moment of death for eternity stuck in that nightmare with no way out of the smell.
Just one horror of the many horrors I have created all from just one small agreement from one small thought in one small moment. The butterfly affect of sheer evil and selfishness radiating out into my life and fucking with me.
There's been other horrors just as severe of totally different nature which I won't even begin to publicly discuss as if what I just said with the paranoia weren't bad enough and that's just what i was willing to share.
I want to add just one last point, I think the DIP pro course will help me quite a bit, but the one tool supporting me absolutely above all else is Techno Tutor and i will stand by the value of that tool till death it is undoubtedly an essential part of my process at this point equally important as self forgiveness itself to me. The number one most important thing to me in this lifetime is making sure I have a copy of Techno Tutor available and aquring a new copy if somehow my laptop broke for some reason. I know there seems to be a complicated relationship to TT within Desteni but I say this about TT totally sincerely. I would not say all this horrible horrible stuff just to sell someone on TT at the end I just genuinely am benefiting from it and want to add on that I think the number one things that will help me to change the most are TT. DIP pro. And obviously self forgiveness.
If you actually read all of this, I feel terribly sorry for you haha. But thank you for reading and know that I am here to create a world best for life no matter what it takes, no matter how much longer I remain trapped in my own prison. I am here to the end, it's just a matter of if I figure it out by then ha.
Peace 🙂 may we all keep moving forward forgiving and doing our best no matter what the challenges we face in this lifetime. May we find the courage to forgive ourselves even of our most grevious sins, as through forgiveness of the past is the only way to push forward into a better tomorrow.
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