Everyone on earth is in a position where consequences have built up for everyone to the extent that no matter what you do you will face consequences.
As I was touching on the other day about a time in which I had stepped away from writing my self forgiveness and being involved within Desteni for an extended period of time, an interesting dimension opened up for me to consider.
In that time of stepping away I remember how I felt overwhelmed that in pushing myself to write and challenging myself in relationship to the Desteni members and material that a lot of reactions and emotions and ego would come up for me. Where it felt as if my mind/ego/energy was all growing and inflating even worse the further I went into process. Whereas to step away it was like everything settled down and things calmed down internally. In reality this calming down after stepping away from everything was more so suppression, and more so the reward of my mind consciousness encouraging me to back off and making things seem much more appealing to simply walk away and not even have to think about all of this stuff. Things heating up and seeming to get more intense the more I was pushing myself within my process was actually my minds defense mechanism making facing my mind seem very intense and uncomfortable and unappealing.
In the end having suppressed and hidden for long had led to numerous challenges and issues in my life that could have been circumvented had I stood up immidetely instead of allowing myself to fall for such a long time.
ultimately it puts into perspective that the consequences are already here, I for myself at least could say that I was damned either way, if I had stood and kept pushing myself to not step away from everything for a long time I was still damned, it was still going to be rough, and harsh and painful and uncomfortable and feeling like everything I say and do is wrong and I'll never get it or figure it out. Now to stand up again, to truly stand up and actually do this for real it will be far more difficult then it would have been had I stood in that moment and not ran away.
I am damned no matter what I do in the sense of being damned to face severe consequences and discomfort and internal turmoil, but it can always get worse so what's best is to do what's best for all life, considering all points and acting in the best way I can aligned with principles, standing within the groups that are changing themselves and the world.
It's better to express then to suppress, I realize now it's better to speak out and make a mistake and sound like a jackass then to go into total suppression where you have the illusion of freedom to hide and not challenge yourself nor be challenged where in reality you're just giving your mind total freedom to consume and grow and feed all in secret because there's no one of yourself or another to hold you accountable.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to allow my mind and ego to grow and become stronger due to hiding from facing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that it's better to express then to suppress.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide away to protect myself as ego from what others will see of me as the truth of who I am, where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider it's better to be seen as a jackass and face myself as having much to walk through and to face then to hide away where no one can see that I'm an idiot, but the consequence is I only get worse.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest that it's only going to get worse before it gets better, where, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest with myself that there is no way to win in the sense of appearing perfect, of walking process without expressing and being seen for all the nasty shit inside of me, because what process is, is to face that nasty shit and one way or another it's going to come out, or be bottled up and get worse and nastier before it comes out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have refused to face and walk process for how nasty I was, where now I must still do the same exact thing but have only grown nastier.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to walk process perfectly as I see others as having done where, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to walk someone else's process instead of walking my own as who I am. And, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge other people as being perfect in their process where I might only be seeing a fraction of what someone has had to work through and face in their life to get to where they are seemingly so perfect.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into backchat telling myself you should shut up, you should just go away, look at you doing the same bullshit as always where, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about others seeing me right now for who I am and where I am where all will be known one day and if I don't do this now everyone one day will know me as something far worse should I not stand up this one last time in this one last life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that process is reserved for only those who are perfect.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face head on the fact of the matter that I am going to react, I am going to fuck up, and I am going to continue to relentlessly feel as if I am an absolute fool, and there is simply no other way to do it.
When and as I see myself going into backchats of the nature of I am too stupid, I am a fool, i am a jackass and that for these reasons I should shut up and let process be shared and expressed by those who know what they are doing and whom are seemingly perfect, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I must face myself for who I am and where I am and accept that I was never going to be able to perfectly walk process, and these relentless mishpas and mistakes were always bound to happen, thus, I commit myself to consistently and regularly share myself and my process wihtout self judgement of being wrong and stupid and foolish.
I commit myself to express instead of supress.
I commit myself to accept that I do not need to be liked to stand up and express what I sees as best.
I commit myself to say the stupidest possible thing and be as completley wrong as I can, and to learn and stand from these moments rather then hide so no one will ever know who I really am, where all things will be known in the end eventually, so rather speak up now then when it's already too late.
I commit myself to continue speaking out and recommending both self forgiveness and Techno Tutor to anyone I can where, if I hold my tounge and for that reason someone never has a chance to walk thier process and utilize these tools then that is absolutely undeniably evil and selfish thing to do to withold from someone the chance for them to change because I had an idea of pride and righteousness that allowed me to stay silent while others suffered due to the words that I could have spoken but chose not to.
"I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to walk process perfectly as I see others as having done where, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to walk someone else's process instead of walking my own as who I am. And, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge other people as being perfect in their process where I might only be seeing a fraction of what someone has had to work through and face in their life to get to where they are seemingly so perfect."
ReplyDeleteNoted, Cool!