Day 318- time to learn dicipline

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I am finding myself being proud like I'm going to stop being lazy I'm going to manage my time my sleep what I consume!

Then immidetely the littlest faulter sends me spiraling.

Trying to be diciplined is something I should have been aware would be really hard.

Being diciplined in face of my relationship to everything just being whatever, here's the junk food, here's the TV, here's the good feelings and dreams without question.

I've just let myself be lazy, like nothing mattered, like I've been a zombie.

I have outlined lots of things to work on in how I manage my time, what I consume and now I just need to keep pushing to establish myself within my outline.

I never once thought about who I was becoming what I was doing in my living lazy and hedonistic lifestyle.

I didn't question my own life, I didn't question what was happening to other's.

I had no questions and took whatever was presented to me. Then destnei was presented to me and I took that, but still took other things, still let other things get to me, so now I need to take my whole life and figure out who I am now within what has been present to me of the world and who I will be, and to start I need to work on my health in my eating and exercise, and in how I spend my time, and how I live diffrent commitments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make things harder on myself by doing what's easiest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make things difficult for me where I degrade my dicipline and consistency when I fall back on doing things compulsively and compromising.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just go with the flow because it's easiest for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize where sometimes going with the flow is appropriate like at work because I'm already facing resistance as working, but going with the flow at home is extremely dangerous because then I won't have any resistance or make use of any of my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to go with the flow when I'm at home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be able to go with the flow at home when I can just go with the flow at work but when at home I totally fall into endless patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my standard of going with the flow requiring me to be very diciplined where I can go with the flow under a certain standard of exspection and dicipline.

When and as I see myself going with the flow at home, I stop, I breathe, I realize this is only going to make tbbinsg more difficult for me, thus, I commit myself to when at home to never go with the flow unless a certain standard which I'm developing is being reached within my commitments and scheduling.

...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest about how much it's going to initially take out of me to push myself towards the dicipline and commitments I want to develop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self hoensty that dicipline has never been something I've taken on in my life except for going to school and work where even then the diciplome was just going and I had no dicipline at work or school have just went and scraped by.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face the facts that this is completely new to me something I could never have even invistionrd being possible in really living schedule and dicipline within commitments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see what I'm taking on as being a real intense serious movement from laziness to dicipline to fortitude to self movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how big the task is where I've never had any charge over myself and my living and now through dicipline and schedule I'm taking charge over my life for the first time so it won't be easy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how much I need to breathe by breathe walk this transition through in taking charge over how I spend my time and what I consume going from careless to caring about how I'm spending my time and what it's all building.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it easy like this is what I've been working towards my whole life, when I have been conceptualizing who I'd like to be in comparison to others since I began process and immidetely conceptualized myself in comparison to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take it slowly breathe by breathe where if I ever do establish myself within the pricniole I want to live in my commitments to entertainment and consumption management I'll then have to move forward and keep pushing myself towards the next goal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I keep faultering and facing all this resistance where I should have been aware that there'd be reisstance in trying to change my lifestyle and how I managed my time.

When and as I see myself shcoked that this is a big task to try to change my lifestyle form being carefree to caring about my health and Joe I spend my time, I stop, I breathe, I realize I'm trying to change the neutral what I have lived my entire life from lazy to diciplined so of course there will be resistance, thus, I commit myself to exspect a lot of resistance to stop assuming that anything about trying to change my habitual nature of laziness would be easy where the easy thing has been being lazy and now this will be very hard and very uncomfortable as it has been already before even having really dig in and establish myself yet within my commitments and scheduling plans for my day to day life.

Day 317- not strong enough thru comparison

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I'm thinking about how you would look at things from a motivational speaker, like 'I am strong enough'  'I can do it', I go into that sometimes and then it doesn't actually hold up you have to keep applying it keep going up and down to generate that energy.

I just want to be strong enough to keep living how I am living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge other's with self esteem problems like 'just get over it', where now I see how deeply woven it can be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create deep self value issues in myself where I always through my life needed to be valuing myself through other's.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to require to be valued by other's where I didn't feel complete within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look to other's to complete the picture of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with other to 'find myself'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not let go of this needing others to complete me even when I saw how self destructive it was.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to other's through my whole life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to other Destonians where I find myself not holding up not good enough so then create that and live that experience of not being strong enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I've been living this comparison of myself to other's and not feeling strong enough not good enough since I can first remember.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that a very deep part of my process since it's from my earliest memories is feeling not good enough in comparison to others feeling I need to act on this comparison and move myself into more power.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this simple point be so existential from my earliest memories where just stop judging Everything and walk things out the way I'm supposed to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not good enough in comparison where I'm judinh myself to someone else and then deciding I don't have enough value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value myself through judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value of life through judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge other's and other's where they are within their life process as equal to my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this system where I could have seen everyone as equal within their process from my very first memory instead of judging everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how my first memory I can recall involved me judging myself and others where I can't go back further then my first memory so I just draw the line there, stop judging where I'm at in my process or other's.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek value in judgement of where I or other's are at in their process in ego self intrest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be selfish where being selfish isn't even in my best intrest so it's not selfish but totally misconceived.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be totally misconceived about life through judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be totally misconceived that I am my mind of ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be misconceived that I'm not good enough because my mind where I should have just dropped my mind instead of trying to feed my ego through comparison.

When and as I see myself not seeing myself as good enough compared to other Destonians, I stop, I breathe, I realize this judgement comes from me not being properly brought up where my first memories are of me living this misconceived judgement, thus, I commit myself to take my programming into my own hands now as an adult and stop judging where other's are within their process but see them clearly for who they are where I then see myself clearly for who I am unconditionally without judgement.

I commit myself to stop trying to live out my ego values through desteni where I want to find my value through my position in my process but that's like I saw coming form my misguided ineffective upbringing.

I commit myself to take full responsibility for my own upbringing and his it made me who I am to this day through conscienceness.

Day 316- questioning myself

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Why do I do things?

I don't really question why I do things.

I question after I regret soemthing or want to change soemthing.

I just do things, and think I'm creating soemthing when I do things but I have no idea what until down the line.

'Just going with the flow'

Doing what other people are doing.

Just get 'there', just figure it out.

Just follow

I'd like to know what I'm creating ahead of time, I'd like to slow down and see what I'm manifesting.

I can't keep going not questioning, just letting things be whatever they are beyond my awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for never questioning myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question myself when I say things happen for a reason.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question what I'm creating when I just go with the flow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question when I just do whatever everyone else is doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of how I don't question myself and let myself do whatever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question what I'm trying to accomplish within my actions and personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify going without question as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed where it's a 'shame I can't get away with doing things my way any more.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that everything I do catches up to me and I have to start holding myself accountable if I want to avoid consquence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see myself as accountable for anything I do or say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with rebillion where I want to beat the odds and beat the consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pin myself against questioning myself where I judge myself as good and righteousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge it as unfair that I have to be holding myself accountable where, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the consquenxes are me and myself that I'm trying to escape myself and what I'm creating through denial.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in denial of the consquences of my actions and words.

When and as I see myself creating within my actions and words under a justification of being a good person, I stop, I breathe, I realize that what I think of myself is not relevant to what I'm actually creating as myself, thus, I commit myself to question what I'm creating within my actions and words as bringing who I am under the microscope to actually figure out what I'm creating for real.

Day 315- the deal in front of me

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What's right in front of me?

I sit down to write and I look inside like what's going on in here?

When I saw the other day, I think what's right in front of me?

Time

I have to do this and this right now and then this and this tomorrow.

That's right in front of me.

I don't need to do some deep introspection to see that right in front of me is pensive tense what I have to do tomorrow what I have to do tonight and the time I need to do it all.

It's right in front of me.

It's really intresting shift, where lots of time I sit thinking what do I write about what's going on 'inside of me', but then yeah, what's going on right in front of me? I have to deal with this person, I have to deal with how I feel physically.

The things I have to deal with is what I'd say is right in front of me.

How am I going to get through tomorrow?

How am I going to get through today?

The deal

Like, here's the deal, it's right in front of me, the cards I'm dealing.

The whole day is right in front of me, I have days from now already being placed in front of me.

People who aren't here with me are right in front of me I'm preparing to deal with people who aren't even here right now.

There was someone I wasn't expecting to see today, and I experinced myself as not prepared to deal with them.

How much time do I need to prepare for dealing with people?

I remember thinking about a person and thought I wouldn't be ready to deal with them.

Right in front of me I'm preparing for tomorrow.

Right in front of me I'm preparing for what I must do tonight.

Right in front of me I'm preparing to deal with people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself in a state of supression preparing to deal with why will be soon enough in front of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prepare for things that will be in front of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition my body in stress in apprehension of what will be in front of me tomorrow as the people places things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to mentally control myself in preperstion of what will be in front of me tomorrow by placing it in front of me right now within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prepare myself now within fear of what will be in front of me soon enough as the things that I'll have to face in front of me in the real world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how insane this is where this is consuming everything in front of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on programs within me to prepare for my living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I've completely slipped out of me expressing here with what's in front of me and that I'm in my mind trying to control my relationship to what will be in front of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breathe and let go trust myself to deal with what's in front of me once it's there for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I'm not here breathing working with what's in front of me I'm preparing for what will be in front of me trying to control days ahead of me carrying my whole day as a burden to manage and deal with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate this experience of not being able to deal with things once they are right in front of me where I try to program and control my behavior in preperation.

When and as I see myself placing my attention on everything moving within me, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I need to start facing what's right in front of me as well, thus, I commit myself to breathe and in each breathe pay attention to what's in front of me where I can see what my reactions so be, what personal I will play out what reaction and within that I commit myself to breathe and face what is in front of me and what will be in front of me breathe by breathe equally.

I commit myself to investigate how I'm conditioning myself in any mkekrn in preperation for what will be in front of me in time, like when I go to bed and begin to prepare for the next day within stress reaction control.

Day 314- relaxation

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I'll take things that happen through out my day and write them out and my relationship to the people or things and what I then will do moving forward.

That's very specific good way to look at problems or things, but is not generally the most approriate outside of a more private seeting to write about other people.

So if I have something chewing at me based on a relationship to a certain person or expierence towards a certain place or person sometimes it's better to take that into a private setting where it can really be opened up and not have to drag someone else into things.

Something that is fun for me when I'm not having very much specefic things trhought my day in terms of other's or even through my memories of the day or my experiences through the day is lately trying to be creative with self forgiveness and see what I can do with it.

Something I'd like to keep working towards that I think would be supportive is trying to learn to relax.

Where yeah, dealing with the points that make me stressed out and anxious will support me to be more relaxed, but also I see how I can live the word relaxed and express relaxation physically in each breathe... Because relaxing is already very easy to see how it can relate to each breathe.

Relaxing can in each breathe just be creating a relationship within my own physical body of being relaxed.

Letting go, lounging, floating down the river, just being at ease breathing being here it's good.

So, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear relaxing making me vulnrable where, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being vulrnable that I can't relax where even if there were threats like wild animal running around it wouldn't really help to be on edge because I'd blow all my energy being tense and then my guard would go down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not relax beacuse I feel on guard all the time, where, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question what is it that I'm on guard what part of who I define myself by do I feel is vulrnable to to other's.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not relax to defend how people see me where I need to be alert and standning within myself to always leave a good impression of someone who is here and alert and something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider how I wouldn't like to leave the impression of me being someone who can't relax because they're so concerned about what impression they leave.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so concered about leaving a good impression that I don't allow myself to just relax and leave a good impression based on me realxing being here being myself the best impression that I could possibly leave.

When and as I see myself experincing myself as alert and on guard to defend who I see myself as and the impression I leave, I stop, I breathe, I realize that this isn't the impression i'd actually like to leave because I don't like leaving this impression I don't like living this expression, thus, I commit myself to leave with myself and with other's the impression I'd like to as expressing myself as relaxed where I can come through physically however I'd like to in any moment because being realxed allows me to tap into all other expressions because relaxed let's me be physical where my expression comes through from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not relax within each breathe as though it's not important.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not explore how deeply I can relax.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how relaxing can help me with everything in my entire life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not utilze relaxing when it didn't even take me a few minutes to see within me that relaxing could support me in every part of my entire life in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take the oppritunity to relax in each breathe where the faster my mind goes the more fucked up things get and realxing diffentely slows things down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make sure I'm relaxing in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find an excuse to skip over even a single breathe of making sure I delebertely check that I'm relaxing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed by trying to realx so much when being overwhelmed is the opposite of relaxing so it's completely irrelevant to the relaxing equation.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to bump my life into gear by becoming relaxed all the time constantly being in an expressing myself as lounging and in leisure.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider how I have seeen myself relax at work, where this proves relaxing applies to everything where I can be living the words strain, stress, dicipline, foucs, work, labor and still mantain at the certer of it all the word relaxation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I've been programming myself the wrong way I should have learnt to express relaxation and isntead it was not even an important part of my living equation at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define skipping over completely the expression of relaxation as 'who I am'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am as having nothing to do with relaxation.

When and as I see myself defining myself as not being someone who relaxes, I stop, I breathe, I realize that relaxation would help me and support me in every single part of my entire life, meaning I did not program myself correctly to live relaxation and then learnt as if that was just who i was, thus, I commit myself to in every single breathe make sure that I'm living the word relaxation as much as I possibly can as physically relaxing my body as much as possible no matter what stance or situation I'm in.

I redefine relaxed as something that I should be living in each breathe as much as possible no matter what as realizing
how it's got the potential to support me in every single moment of my whole life.

I commit myself to continue to pay attention to my relationship and living of the word relaxed in each breathe where I need to make sure that I'm mantainig my relaxation and that I can curve it to not be as much energetic as just me physically letting go and relaxing as much as possible.

Day 313- gaining from other's perspectives

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Looking at other's perspectives more the past couple of days.

It has been really cool.

I can't explain it perfectly but it's like doing my utmost potential in talking to other's about their lives and perspectives and also reading and listening more to other destonains just has helped me move my own perspective some how.

I feel like I have been trying so hard to figure things out within myself, but creating this conflict where I know my utmost of figuring myself out is using other's as a resoucrse and to support me.

I see how I've been bubbling myself into my own personality of tyring to figure things out and I just feel like I'm actually trying my best now, and can then keep pushing myself to look to other's as perspectives for to help me.

So I want to try to sum up in self forgiveness one of the biggiest things I feel like I've learnt the past few days of talking to people and listening and reading what other's are going through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to sort myself out so much without breathing and moving and expressing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to release all of my intenral movment in bretahing in acting in expressing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so hung up on all the internal things I'm expericing without seeing how I can release and refocus in my breathing moving and expressing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how I can take what I'm expereincing within myself and then forgive it in taking it into living, breathing, expressing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so focused on what's all occuring within me that I'm amplifiing it where I could instead shift into what I am living what am I expressing what are my words am I breathing?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been hung up on my own process that I push other's away and didn't raelize how I can actually accelearte myself and move myself more by utilizing other's.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pin myself against other's where I could have used other's as a tool to support me to see how I can breathe, move myself, and express myself to progress myself forward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to impede my process in righteousness in trying to do it all for myself for years.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace the seeing of how I can change through expressing myself, breathing, and taking action where I feel like 'I didn't really learn it for myself'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be selfish in needing to learn everything for myself without seeing that 1 plus 1 equals 2, where 2 is twice as much expereince and brain power and twice as much potentail as one is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not appreciate how I already am seeing how I can support myself with my learning from other's perspectives in some important ways but still see myself wanting to just retract into my shell as my energetic hell.

When and as I see myself not utilizng what I've learnt through other's about expressing myself, breathing, and taking action to move myself and to live forgiveness, I stop, I breathe, I realize that when I go into my shell it's my energetic hell which is exactly accurate I am just totally being moved all the time and it's hell, thus, I commit myself to support myself further by continuing to explore some of the other perspectives that I have been suppressing within myself.

Day 312- 'just get it out'

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Parasite

I can see my parasite constantly

The demon, the movement the energy

the mind

I can see it

I can always see it

Feel it

Experience it

I want to get angry and yell, just get it out!

Make it stop!

Please make it stop.

'Please help me'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have infected myself with a virus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace that I have infected myself with a sickness as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to seeing what I've created in every breathe where I can see my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate being able to see my mind and do nothing that I can stop it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for it to just be gone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take self responsability where I'm not trying to escape I'm trying to correct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to escape my conscienceness isntead of correct it change who I am and what I'm living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become hysterical where I can see it, I can see it and can do nothing to stop it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasise short cuts to just get to the end just get it out of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel victimized by what I've created as my mind where I did this, I can't see the whole picture but I created my own mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for relishing in the little moments of self movement of realization of action where, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to just be in solitude until I can shake off my virus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed to be seen for what I've created as myself as my consciences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise having to constantly see all this movement within me and having no way to ground myself and exist and move myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disempowerd having to watch my mind constantly playing out in thoughts and movement and reaction where I can't stop it all where I have tried to just stop it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate admitting that this suffering is what I've done to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for causing suffering within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to psycologically torment myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have caged myself into this system I have created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to yearn for freedom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the ego as a road block from me directly getting to the point of what I've created within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create fear to hide me from realizing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be deceived by my own personalities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be cleansed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let no knowing how I became as an excuse to not accept who I am and take responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide away as much as possible as close to just being dead as possible without having to die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play into my own ego when I need to get to the point and need to be able to be unconditional and just figure out how all of this happened.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone and direct with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone if something of substance comes up where I would then look to someone else when I need to find myself without images.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the images are too strong for me to release.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself more within self forgiveness as seeing how much I can trust myself to just forgive and let that forgiveness stand on it's own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to escape through death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself with ideas.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself with other's.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself with my own body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself with power.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to opress myself to create power within myself.

When and as I see myself at wit's end about what to write out where to begin what direction to take, I stop, I breathe, I realize as I see here, I can just release it, forgive, correct, move on, thus, I commit myself to trust myself to take whatever approach I need to within my self forgiveness to actually get myself moving into action as speaking or speaking and writing self forgiveness.

Day 311- what can I express?

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What can I express in a breathe?

What can I express in a word?

What can I express as myself when I'm just sitting breatheing, can I be fullfilled, content, passionate?

Can I express things?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not understanding how to express things as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as limited to what I can live and be expressing at any moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the power of being able to express myself in any way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not express myself and let things build up under the surface.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my expression be dictated by frustration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my expression of what I'm expressing as being misguided where I fear having manipulation behind my expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to release my manipulation and to express myself unconditionally as I'd like to be able to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define whatever I express as myself as being coated in deception and manipulation where I'm not expressing respect for myself and what I'm walking as my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let what I'm expressing be clouded wirhi me where I'm not being clear on who I am what my intentions are within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make my intentions clear within myself as expressing clarity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold back my expression in fear of what will sneak into what I'm expressing as myself what I'm living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to live firmness in what I'm expressing where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to live my word and express myself without being compromised by things I'm still working on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I cannot express myself because there will always be points coming up which I don't stand for within who i am as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pushing what I'm expressing too far.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear reacting to what I'm expressing in any moment where I push things too far.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear regretting what I express where I'm not pleased with who I was in a moment of expressing myself here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear supressing depression in thing to express myself where I see I'm not dealing with things that I do need to deal with in how I express myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to express responsability as myself in my living in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not being responsabile based on how I've lived and expressed myskrf in the last.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold how I've expressed myskrf in the pastyagainst myskrf as if I'll never be better emthrn what I've seen in myself in the past.

When and as I see myself finding reason to restrain within trying to express myself in any way within the words I'm living, I stop, I breathe, I realize I can support myself to learn and realize the potrial for self expression in lvomng words by trying and not supressing my expression, thus, I commit myself to push how much I can express myself in any moment see what words I can live even if I'm alone sitting just breathing go see what can I express in just sitting breathing alone.

Day 310- aware of my decisions breathe by breathe

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Breathing can help to not push through an entire day just to get to whatever prieved end of the day expierence comes with, but if I can breathe and move myself brea
the by breathe that would help me slow down and make better decesions and live things breathe by breathe creating and estblishing myself not from such an energetic standpoint.

I'm trying to really pound it with directing myself to breathe so I can really start to establish breathing to help me slow down and take things on in real time to not mentalize things as much.

When I slow down with my breathe, I can see what's influecning me.

When I take it one breathe at a time I can be more effective more deleberate.

When I take it breathe by breathe in awareness I can create myself how I'd actually like to in real time.

When I go faster then my own breathe I don't have any idea what I'm creating, and that's not good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take things one day at a time instead of one breathe at a time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go day by day looking for some kind of relief instead of living relief in breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let things add up more when I try to push through day to day and never slow down in my breathe even when I have time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that I will find relief in my time off work when I don't do anything different I just keep in the same state of stress even outside of work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take self responsability for my own relief breath by breathe relieving everything In building up within myself in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have realized that I've trained myself to see things to be a certain way in realitionship to stress but haven't actually lived relief in my stress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that stress is supposed to just go away eventually and that I'm supposed to become stronger without living that knowledge breathe by breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how I can live and express whatever I need in any moment within a breathe.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how everything is ansered in a single breathe, where if I wanted to go do anything, I have to go do it breathe by breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live concepts outside of my breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to create things from a position not of breathe by breathe but by energetic expierence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify that energtic expierence is always going to be there one way or another where in taking self responsability I can slow down and regain my power to move myself and make my best decesions directly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being misconcived about creating myself in each breathe where I've been misconvied about breathing awareness and who i am within it to begin with.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how my moving myself within compromise and not breathe by breathe moments trickles down into all of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how in not moving myself breathe by breathe it affects my realtionships I'm creating with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret the decesions I make when I'm not slowing down and moving within the pace of my breathe.

When and as I see myself being moved within myself in relationship to what I'm creating, I stop, I breathe, I realize if I'm creating internal movement I should instead be creating myself as self movement breathe by breathe, thus, I commit myself to create myself breathe by breathe as being aware of who I am wihtin each breathe feeling each breathe, seeing if I'm creating making a real world decesion from a point of emotion or feeling where I'm not moving breathe by breathe but moving programmed reactive outcome by prorammed reactive outcome.

309- breathing awareness

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The way that I'm thinking about awareness in breathing is that it's discovered in self forgiveness.

The way I see it is that I should be aware of my breathing, to be directive in moving equal to my breathing.

When I would try to be aware of my breathing in forcing myself to breathe, trying to force awareness force myself to be directive in each breathe, to slow thing down, the opposite happened and my breathing awareness got very mental.

Now how I see it is that the effort the force that I need to bring to each breathe is through self forgiveness.

It should just be natural no mental influence, just a natural flow who I am within it, just expressing myself in and out.

I thinking breathe awareness would help me all around, I feel like I've already spent a few years developing it, in a trouble shooting kind of way with how I used to breathe and now can maybe settle it in more with self forgiveness.

If I look at my breathing right now, I feel very compressed, like I need to loosen up and just let myself breathe naturally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compress myself in each breathe trying to control myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go in each breathe and let everything run it's course naturally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to control everything in each breathe where I need to let my self forgiveness just stand on it's own and just let everything play out naturally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to just let myself breathe natrually.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not assert myself as my breathe.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be firm with myself as my breathe, this is who I am and how I express myself as a breathing person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted by all the non sense that comes up within me in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my breathe where I let my energetic feelings take over and control me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel nervous that I can't control my breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not slow down without thinking but just as a self expression when I see that I'm moving too fast in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how I can be aware of breathing as a self expression where I just move myself into a slower breathing pace in awareness of my breathe without thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put so much energy in trying to be directive and aware in my breathing.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I don't need to put any energy from my mind into breathing on a conscience level because breathing is natural and happens even in my sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I need to forgive the systems that are preventing me from naturally breathing in self awareness as nervousness and stress and anxiety all suppressing my natural comfortable breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my nervousness suppress my breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my stress supress my breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be direct within my breathing where I cut through everything and just breathe and center myself in my breathing.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize in my breathing I can cut through everything and establish myself here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself wander in my mind instead of wander here in my breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my breathing for wandering.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being empty in breathing without going into my mind to wander.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to wander in my mind instead of establish myself here and wander here as myself in for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into tiredness as being too overwhelmed to be aware within my breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my breathing not establish myself here because it would take effort.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize in breathing here wihtout the mental energy it's more effortless to breathe where currently it takes effort to breathe because of all the stress and anxieties and things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare how I breathe now to how I would breathe if I was breathing in self awareness where I know that I wouldn't be putting in as much energy as I am now because I'd be doing it as a natrual expression of myself.

When and as I see myself wandering around in my mind insetad of asserting myself here as wandering within my living and breathing in each breathe, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I don't need to put all this energy in wandering in my mind where the real wandering and the real exploration of reality is here breathe by breathe, thus, I commit myself to bring awarness to each breathe so that I can wander in real actions and movement and real decesions for real and not endlessly come up with ideas and thoughts and feelings in my mind that just fizzle out and don't amount to anything.

Day 308- sharing process for a year

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Sometimes I hate sharing what I'm walking in my process.

But, for years when I went to walk my process all alone without self forgiveness without sharing myself with anyone, I didn't get anywhere, I had nothing to share.

Now I see it like, as stupid as I feel sometimes, or am in a bad mood or just don't want to share, it's just good for me.

It's like, here I am.

I want to share what I'm doing in self forgiveness because it's so simple, and it works, but if no one shares it, there's no point, there's more impact in sharing and being open.

It puts me on the spot, it's just good, it was the first thing I wanted to do when I got back into self forgiveness a year ago.

I hadn't talked to anyone in the group about coming back because it's not something that works like that, I just had a moment that's a whole other story where I was done walking without self forgiveness, I couldn't take not using it any longer.

Then the first thing I wanted to do was start my blog again, that's just what I knew to do.

I didn't ask anyone, I didn't even know anyone but a few people who were still visibly around, I was alone in making that decision and that's what I want to maintain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I share for other people and not myself when I remember when I started back up a year ago, I was dead alone, the only real relationship I had was with my mom, I didn't have anyone, it was just me deciding I'm going to try this again and I'm going to share it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I've drifted away from that genuine moment of seeing what I need to do and doing it for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stupid sharing myself everyday.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not having anything worth sharing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stay with myself in my original direction where I see it as important to share what I'm walking in self forgiveness and that's not stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to validate my sharing myself in self forgiveness in trying to find ways to give myself more value within it where I don't need more value it's me sharing self forgiveness there's nothing more needed then that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed that I can't stick it out in just sharing unconditionally where I need to create other dimensions of validation for what I'm doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stupid because I don't know if sharing my process like I try to do has any impact on anything or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have an impact in the world where to validate myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to impact other's to give myself validation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to emotionally invest myself in impacting other's to be inspired to look into desteni and self forgiveness where sharing my blog to me is my utmost potential and that's what matters what other people think it's up to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear drifting slowly away from my intentions in sharing myself in self forgiveness every day where it's been a whole year and I haven't hardly written out self forgiveness for sharing myself and everything is mostly in tact so it all held up pretty well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be paranoid that there's no way that after a year things could still be holding up so well with such little mantainace.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider that sharing myself might be a strength of mine and that's why I see it as important and do it so casually.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that something must be wrong under the surface instead of considering that I might have a strength in sharing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being shameless where that can be a skill and strength to develop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fee like I should be ashamed in sharing myself so brasinly without anything planned out or that is well written or comes through very well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress how I don't care how poorly I come through where that not caring isn't neccisaraly a negative thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being a jackass for not caring how I come across in my writing online where that can be good to be able to just speak out and
express myself from where I'm at, where I trust myself because I know I'm trying so I don't hold things against myself in that way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to hold things against myself where I react and regret, 'I shouldn't have said that', 'that was stupid', 'why'd I do that out loud'

When and as I see myself juding myself as not doing good enough or not being effective enough when I share myself and my process online, i stop, I breathe, I realize I can't express myself from more then where I'm at, and I shouldn't be then judging where I'm at as not good enough because it is what its, thus, I commit myself to stand by myself in not judging myself when I share myself and my process online because I'm not being fair to myself when I judge myself as not being meaningful or coherent as I see other's being.

I commit myself to not compare where I am at in what I can share of my process with that of other's.

I commit myself to keep finding cool fantasy pictures for my picture art for the blog because that's a fun part of my daily routine where I can look at cool pictures and find a nice one for my blog, where even if it's not relevant it's adding more fun and flesh to the whole experience and that's important to me.

Day 307- Dig

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I see some things coming through and then, I get tenative.

I'm not going to let myself bully myself, like let's just back off and return to this point later see how it develops..

I don't trust that, I don't trust that in this moment and in this moment I'm being deleberate.

When I see I'm afraid I don't like it when I tell myself to just ride it out, that I don't allow myself to just face that fear right there, breathe, realize it, live that word release I've tried to open up for myself for theses sort of situations, why let this vauge wordless fear have it's way with me when I have a word, release, relese it.

Dig in, don't let things grow beneath the surface dig in and get to the bottom of what's going on.

I don't need to sit here being punished, why am I punishing myself?

I'm afriad just because of everything?

That doesn't mean anything, dig in, why in this moment do I have to be afraid?

Why am I victimizing myself?

Why can't I stop myself?

I'm doing it to myself I'm puniahing myself I'm happy to make myself suffer, thus, I commit myself to when I see myself just afriad without words without any clear reason to dig in, open up why is it I'm sitting here afraid?

I commit myself to always be digging into myself, to always in each breathe dig into everything that comes up, to get to the bottom, to get to the truth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide things from myself beneath the surface.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I have a thought or when I react where then I cannot dig deeper I've already shut myself down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prented like everything is OK with me, where, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe everything is OK because it seems fine on the surface when I can tell things aren't OK.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid to dig to see what's going on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide in the holes I've dug instead of digging deeper getting to the core.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to the surface where I have a bunch of mental stuff going on where I'm trying to stop it all but how can I stop anything when all I'm aware of is what's on the surface.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit here in undefined fear when I can live the word dig, I know how to dig in to get to the bottom of something to face it no matter how strange or how bizzare or unexpected it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how bizzare my fear that I'm having seems to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I'm seeing about my fear in this moment where that can't be right that makes no sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when you really dig into something you go past the surface and find things you didn't realize was there consciencely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with surprise in opening up my fear in this moment where I don't understand, how can this point be what's making me afraid?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my fears where this is why I don't want to share them because I don't want to be ridiculed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear opening up even more stuff that's like too much in digging in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear digging in beause sometimes you open up a can of worms and there's all kinds of stuff flying out you didn't exspect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I'm seeing in digging into this fear in this moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the power of the word dig where now that I've undug what was possessing me, I can't un see it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear within thinking woah I can't handle this everything I just dropped on myself I just unearthed too much, buy now, after giving it a minute, it's starting to settle in.

When and as I see myself fearing what I'll uncover when I dig into a possession of energy, I stop, I breathe, I realize as how scary it seems on the surface once I dig in and get the information I need, I know I can piece it together, thus, I commit myself to when I see myself possessed with an energetic experience to practice every now and then digging in, even just in my mind open up what's goin on give it a word give it away to open up so I can know what's happening.

I Redefine dig as to uncover what is burrows underneath, as to uncover what is supressed.

...

Time to dig in more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I can't handle certain people any more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my relationship with certain people falling apart.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my relationship with most people falling apart.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to stand certain people, where, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to stand people who I get along perfectly fine with for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my relationship with other people tearing apart at the seems when in reality everything seems fine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I'm mistaken and people who I seem to get along with I'm actually somehow in deep water with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify these fears why fear I'm having a bad relationship with someone who i seem to get along with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear something is going terribly wrong with these people I'm seeing where I can trace very well what might be happening why go into fear instead of dig in and question things instead of giving authority to fear.

When and as I see myself fearing these two particular people, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I can open up my suspension of these two people instead of fearing them where if I have a posyential reasonable awnser to why I'm afraid of my relationship with them not being very well as it seems to be I'd crather pursue the point within me that I'm suspecting I'd the cause then just sit here dwelling in fear, thus, I commit myself to when I see myself agarid if these two particular people as fearing my relationships with them not bekfnas sound as I think it is on the surface to pursue my suspensions and to dig in, where I'm pursing the point within me, seeing it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with my own secret vrealtuosn I have with these people that they aren't aware of.

If I have a secret realitionship with someone in not revealing to them when I interact with them in person why am I suprised that it can suddenly fall apart, it's call one sided and made up, why would it hold? Why should it hold?

I commit myself to apply this logic to all relationships I have where I should always stop my secret relationship with others and get into the real meat of actually interacting with them.

Day 306- high school

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I feel like I put the entire time I was in school behind me, like I'm a different person living a different life now, but it's like I have a few memories of School my mind might occasionally go back to, but the past is how I got where I am, I need to not supress my past memories just because I don't care 'I don't need those memories anymore they aren't relevant any more'

I didn't like school.

I feel like a pride like I didn't like it but I went and saw it all through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go through my entire school time through my entire life in resentment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be resentful all of high school not at all considering that I could use it as any kind of oppritunity for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go through all of high school just wandering around never settling into anything or actually establishing myself in any way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use high school to 'find myself', where I don't remember finding anything, I don't even think about high school.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize what high school was for me as a schooling in getting high in being high on my own mind and supressing everything and not caring about anything at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that It's ironic I've supressed my entire school expierence and only occasionally go back to a few spefec memories because the whole entire thing was just me slowly becoming more and more supressed until it started to really catch up to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress myself in every moment of my high school expierence just wanting to find any way to keep myself occupied to just get through without having to care.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have tried to care even a little about what I could have used high school as to prepare for my future to develop myself to actually find myself in my talents in my relationships in my future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going back and opeining up high school for even a few minutes where I start to see how much who I am is coming through from who I developed myself then, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize to this day I'm still coming down from the high of high school after 3 years of being out.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see there's a problem when after 3 years I'm still coming down from the high of high school still trying to recover from how much I exsisted in such a total state of supression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame high school for installing fear within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame high school for how I became so supressive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I'm racing through every day of my life to no end now where, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like high school would never end where every day I was just waiting for the time to be over for that day to go home and just continue my surpession in a more preferable manner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that feeling of the time dragging on forever is still how I feel within myself in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress my memories of high school to not consider it a welath of things to write about because I would never want to go back there again so why would I want to open it up in writing?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expierenced myself getting out of high school as having escaped and found my freedom where the systems I installed within myself during my school years are still totally controlling me and all still functioning same as ever but now I'm in a preferable enviornment of work instead of school where at least I enjoy my work and am rewarded and develop myself within it then how I shut down compeltely in high school.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how my habbit of being misrable tyring to wake up to go to school is something I carry with me to this day.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how my poor selfish relationships I created with other's during school is still existing within my relationships to other's.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider how my first memory I can recall has been of school where everything traces back to my memoires of being in school except for the time I had at home where I'd just be watching tv or playing video games.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish I could go back and warn myself that every day I spent dragging my feet through school is going to be who I'll be for the rest of my life only now desperately trying to possibly pull myself out of that exsistence and still possibly find some ambition left.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let 2 years of my life go right down the drain after leaving high school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite school so much that I'd throw away 2 years doing nothing to only within the past year actually start picking myself back up and tyring to make things right.

When and as I see myself supressing everything within myself in relationship to what I expirenced and created within high school, I stop, I breathe, I realize that however much I supress it it's all still here with me in this deep feeling of being stuck in the mud unable to move myself forward because of how I've supressed and tyring to put everything behind me, thus, I commit myself to within myself however scary it might seem to return to high school, to reopen everything that happened, to stop supressing my memories, to face how who I was then is what created who I am today.

I commit myself to stop dragging myself down in blame of high school for stiffiling me where I see I stiffiled myself, I could have made better of myself but choose to accept the system as my master, accept the school system as having control over me and my life instead of seeing what's going on and what things are all about for myself, to actually have given a hoot for real.

Day 305- persistent

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Persistent

I get this ease come over me, like thus is a victory lap like, persistent, I'm persistent I got there I'm killing it.

Trying to be more persistent writing doing self forviness.

Yet, I'm not persistent in every way I'd like to be, I haven't put in the time yet.

I see this pride like I figured this word out and didn't even have to focus on it, when I did focus on it, when I was doing my breatheing technique I was very persistent, persistent in keeping my work ethic coming in doing my job even when I was exhausted, keeping at my self forviness over the past year every day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be proud within arrogance where I'm not happy with how I'm living persistence I'd rather get better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I'm expressing persistence not in full self movement but in being fed up.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I'm living persistence because I'm fed up, fed up with my way not getting me anywhere, fed up with doing self forgiveness but not getting anywhere because I wasn't doing enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to nokh Express persistence when I have had enough of the crap.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not truly love and see the value in persistence until I can't stand dragging my feet and letting things catch up to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live persistence only when things turn into consquenxes when I see I can't keep going this way any longer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have lived persistence from when I was younger where I never have myself direction so I waited until hings caught up to me until someone would say you need to change you can't keep going this way, but there was no one to tell me that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express persistence from this point of not wanting any more depression or neagticrtiy or illusion instead of actually moving myself within persistence unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what if things get really nice I stop creating all the negativity and positivity and am just chill would I still be persistent if I didn't have a fire under my butt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how in not fully unconditionally expressing persistence but only expression it out of the desire for stability I'm not being as persistent as I'd like, I'm letting lots of things slip under the surface which then once again force me into persistent through consquenxes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be persistent with quitting smoking where I'm doing the self forviness but not taking it into living with persistent waiting for my body to give me another sign that it's time to get persistent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be persistent in relationship to getting out of bed on time where I feel nice and sleepy when I wake up and have no urgency no clarity or purpose no fire to move me so why bother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder why my persistence isn't translating to other parts of my life like waking up where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to wake up on time until I'm so angry with myself for wasting so much time of my day that I have to scream and growl like 'no more'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see what's motivating my persistence like competition everyone is doing lots of self forgiveness I need to do more too I'm not good enough I need persistence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be persistent to prove myself as coming form already a limited position of devaluation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how my self forgiveness is limited when it's coming from a persistent point of trying to value myself where I'm persistent from a point of mind not an unconditional self movement self given purpose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be persistent when the time calls for it where I need to get things done, and then when things calm down what's the point anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be proud of my persistence where in opening it up here it's no legetimate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize persistence SD a valuable trait not something that I do because I have to where I have to find a made up reason to do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to define persistence as something you're forced into.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define persistence as something you do out of self intrest for power for money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be proud of my persistence where my persistence comes form insecurity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be persistent out of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be persistent as fear of consquenxes like if I don't hustle and get moving now my day will suck tomrrow because all my stress and stuff will catch up to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how in being so persistent from a point of fear and insecurity I make just as many poor decesions and problems for myself as ever and then wonder I'm doing well, I'm doing my self forgiveness and giving my life 'my all why is it still catching up to me?' Because I'm not really moving myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be persistent out of energy where I experience my persistence instead of actually moving myself within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself within persistence instead of exstiguising the fire of energy as persistent and seeing am I still persistent without that fire? And I'm not because I can't even get myself up in the mourning when the fire of my mind is not reinstalled for the day.

When and as I see myself moving within persistence with an energetic experience attached, I stop, I breathe, I realize I need to be moving myself within persistence deleberately unconditionally, thus, I commit myself to when I see myself being persistent because of a fire of flurry of energy and crap I just want to move out of to support myself to actually utilize persistence for real as slowing down stopping the supression and actually moving myself from the position I'm actually in.

I redefine persistence as something where you persist until a goal is reached not because of fear or anxiety but from an agreement where I agree stress is bad let's go to work and not get into it and react to others because I see that's best, let's be persistent to get results not to run away form conswuences.

I commit myself to question the hidden nature of my persistence to question am I moving myself in persistence or am I just hauling ass Because I'm sick of being sick.

I commit myself to question all the words I'm living and see am I really expressing this word unconitinally or do I have secret motives?

....

I want to talk about thinking

I'm seeing that I supress myself to not think.

That's not good because I don't want to supress things because they'll not really be resolved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having opened up this point earlier and seen how much my mind wants to think non stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress my thinking instead of actually resolve the discomfort where I don't feel present I feel as though I need to be thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress my thinking without considering how I'm not really resolving it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put thinking beneath me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not knowing what to do where I can't supress my thinking but am not in a position where I can be direct and move myself without all the voices.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how necrotic my thinking is where I've not paid attention to it and it's like it's bubbling over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge thining as bad instead of figuring out what's going on that my mind needs to always be running some thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always need to be running a constant system within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having even a moment of silence without a constant system running in the background.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I can't function without a system in my mind generating something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear if I don't have a system running within me that things will just build up and something will snap within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself this way through entertainment where I constantly need to be preoccupied with something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the intensity of just being not having something running in my mind not running my mind through entertainment but just being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how I'm actively making the decesion to think and can't take authority over that decesion without attacking myself in supression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how thinking is just surface level stuff and when my mind needs to always be thinking of I let it then what's going on beneath the surface.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what must be occurring beneath the surface constantly within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my thinking telling me what to do like I don't trust myself to tell myself what to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to make the real decesion to stop thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to just breathe and to direct myself to breathe instead of to think to no end.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how I've tricked myself into thinking I've stopped a lot of thinking when it's just being done under the surface hidden from my awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear unlifting the veil of thinking in stopping the supression and seeing where I really stand in realitionship to thinking.

When and as I see myself fearing the real nature of my thinking, I stop, I breathe, I realize it's better to see my thinking for what it is then to supress it, thus, I commit myself to dorev myself in each breathe to stop thinking for real instead of supressing.

I commit myself to let my thinking show me if I'm supressing it or not by becoming aware of who I am within my thinking in each breathe.

Day 304- perfection

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Perfection.

I have food and shelter and doctors, I am living perfection in having everything I fundamentally need.

I have my fundamental life support perfect in having my essentials.

Everything else should be a gift, to be creating thriving expressing enjoying.

Why is it that I have never experinced myself within the perfection my life is, why did I program my mind as though I'm lacking soemthing, to seek outside of myself to find what's missing in my perfection.

Why would I do this to myself?

That's something I've said a lot more lately then I ever have in my life, instead of saying why is this happening to myself, I've been more often asking why am I doing this to myself? In that statement I open up more so how my experience my feeling my reactions, they are what I accept what I give to myself what I force on myself.

Why would I not express the perfection I could have lived where I have my food my water my home, why did I decide to be so victimized why didn't I see I had a decesion.

How do I express perfection in each breathe.

I breathe, I see what's imperfections me not being here breathing to my best potential, and I release, no loose ends, that's perfection in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tolerate imperfections in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider me as a being can decide that I do not want to tolerate loose ends in any breathe that I want to in a single breathe release anything I see as me not perfecting myself in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there are excuses for why I can't perfect myself in each breathe as taking everything of my mind that's lingering that's not me directing myself and release it resolve it, and in that perfect myself in each breathe, live perfection in every breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to design myself within reactions and mental programs instead of being assertive in each breathe asserting myself to correct my imperfections in every breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I've had a choice, I could have chosen to live perfection to perfect myself in each breathe but I choose limitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have chosen imperfection in each breathe where I let things liner get out of hand loose control fall apart mentally in each breathe build up things that aren't being resolved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live perfection and express perfection in each breathe where I can't account for why I haven't been, except that I've been victimizing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself as to not be perfect because I don't want to be a part of this mess of the world where I'm not seeing that I'm the mess.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel victimized where I create my own feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not perfect myself where I didn't want to move myself to excell to be my best potential because I didn't know any better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my living of perfection in not having the knowledge of what is out there of who I'll be of why it all matters where this knowlege is not real knowledge it's fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to take the real actions to expand myself where I can be perfect in being unmoved and stopping my mind in self forgives but then I need to live move myself live my words perfect myself in more then just my mental realm.

When and as I see myself within my mind lingering letting things build up drag out not be resolved, I stop, I breathe, I realize I can live and express perfection in each breathe by resolving myself to the best of my abilities realizing what I'm capable of in each nrsysher, this, I commit myself to in each breathe resolve everything I can, don't take a second breathe without resolving everything from the last one if possible.

I redefing perfection as doing my best to be perfect as who I am here physically in each breathe, I'm fed, I'm healthy, I'm expressing perfection in living out that health and wealth of money and food in not feeding into the mind telling me I'm lacking something when I'm not lacking anything.

I commit myself to push myself to live perfection in the phsycisl actions where I live go my best physical perfection and cut out laziness in favor of dicipline and endurance in place of giving up and focus on the real process of doing things and not the prayer hope and love method of things just coming tohryher on their own.

Day 303- unsettled

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I feel like it's extremely hard for me to settle in within myself.

My mind is always buzzing, I always have some energy that's unsettled some thought I can't unstuck.

It just takes a lot of work to perfect yourself to be able to get to that point where you can just settle into yourself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to settle into myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to settle into myself and have that comfort and intamacy within myself where the desire doesn't help me develop what I'm looking for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to just be settled in already where it takes tons of time and effort.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to appreciate how once I am firm in my living in relationship to settling in and being comfortable in my body that I'll be able to stay there and mnatsin that once I'm there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I don't have enough energy to keep going to keep trying to stabilize myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to settle in more then what I can move and direct myskrf into expressing where if I'm suddenly relaxed and settled in I'll know if it's for real or not by seeing what's moving within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest about why I can't just settle in and be comfortable with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I can't settle in but don't open up why I'm unable to settle in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame something outside of myself where I want to settle in but can't so it must be some external issue.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to admit that I'm basically bullying myself where I'm constantly putting myself under too much pressure for me to eve, r settle in and just be relaxed and present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly force myself out of alignment within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself that I can't just settle in and enjoy being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as not good enough to just be and exsist within my own body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate using those owrds when it's true to how I treat myself there's no reason I shouldn't be able to just settle in and be calm and realx but I don't let myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as fighting myself to settle in and enjoy just being where who else would I be fighting but myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear opening up that mean side of myself where I have to open it up to then be able to be at peace and just settle in with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be neglectful of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not nurture and take care of myself that I would then trust myself to be at ease with myself.

When and as I see myself fearing never being able to settle into myself and be comfortable and directive, I stop, I breathe, I realize this is something I've never given never created for myself, thus, I commit myself to take care of myself and nurture myself so that I can then settle in and be comfortable with myself.