Day 315- the deal in front of me

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What's right in front of me?

I sit down to write and I look inside like what's going on in here?

When I saw the other day, I think what's right in front of me?

Time

I have to do this and this right now and then this and this tomorrow.

That's right in front of me.

I don't need to do some deep introspection to see that right in front of me is pensive tense what I have to do tomorrow what I have to do tonight and the time I need to do it all.

It's right in front of me.

It's really intresting shift, where lots of time I sit thinking what do I write about what's going on 'inside of me', but then yeah, what's going on right in front of me? I have to deal with this person, I have to deal with how I feel physically.

The things I have to deal with is what I'd say is right in front of me.

How am I going to get through tomorrow?

How am I going to get through today?

The deal

Like, here's the deal, it's right in front of me, the cards I'm dealing.

The whole day is right in front of me, I have days from now already being placed in front of me.

People who aren't here with me are right in front of me I'm preparing to deal with people who aren't even here right now.

There was someone I wasn't expecting to see today, and I experinced myself as not prepared to deal with them.

How much time do I need to prepare for dealing with people?

I remember thinking about a person and thought I wouldn't be ready to deal with them.

Right in front of me I'm preparing for tomorrow.

Right in front of me I'm preparing for what I must do tonight.

Right in front of me I'm preparing to deal with people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself in a state of supression preparing to deal with why will be soon enough in front of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prepare for things that will be in front of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition my body in stress in apprehension of what will be in front of me tomorrow as the people places things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to mentally control myself in preperstion of what will be in front of me tomorrow by placing it in front of me right now within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prepare myself now within fear of what will be in front of me soon enough as the things that I'll have to face in front of me in the real world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how insane this is where this is consuming everything in front of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on programs within me to prepare for my living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I've completely slipped out of me expressing here with what's in front of me and that I'm in my mind trying to control my relationship to what will be in front of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breathe and let go trust myself to deal with what's in front of me once it's there for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I'm not here breathing working with what's in front of me I'm preparing for what will be in front of me trying to control days ahead of me carrying my whole day as a burden to manage and deal with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate this experience of not being able to deal with things once they are right in front of me where I try to program and control my behavior in preperation.

When and as I see myself placing my attention on everything moving within me, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I need to start facing what's right in front of me as well, thus, I commit myself to breathe and in each breathe pay attention to what's in front of me where I can see what my reactions so be, what personal I will play out what reaction and within that I commit myself to breathe and face what is in front of me and what will be in front of me breathe by breathe equally.

I commit myself to investigate how I'm conditioning myself in any mkekrn in preperation for what will be in front of me in time, like when I go to bed and begin to prepare for the next day within stress reaction control.