Day 318- time to learn dicipline

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I am finding myself being proud like I'm going to stop being lazy I'm going to manage my time my sleep what I consume!

Then immidetely the littlest faulter sends me spiraling.

Trying to be diciplined is something I should have been aware would be really hard.

Being diciplined in face of my relationship to everything just being whatever, here's the junk food, here's the TV, here's the good feelings and dreams without question.

I've just let myself be lazy, like nothing mattered, like I've been a zombie.

I have outlined lots of things to work on in how I manage my time, what I consume and now I just need to keep pushing to establish myself within my outline.

I never once thought about who I was becoming what I was doing in my living lazy and hedonistic lifestyle.

I didn't question my own life, I didn't question what was happening to other's.

I had no questions and took whatever was presented to me. Then destnei was presented to me and I took that, but still took other things, still let other things get to me, so now I need to take my whole life and figure out who I am now within what has been present to me of the world and who I will be, and to start I need to work on my health in my eating and exercise, and in how I spend my time, and how I live diffrent commitments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make things harder on myself by doing what's easiest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make things difficult for me where I degrade my dicipline and consistency when I fall back on doing things compulsively and compromising.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just go with the flow because it's easiest for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize where sometimes going with the flow is appropriate like at work because I'm already facing resistance as working, but going with the flow at home is extremely dangerous because then I won't have any resistance or make use of any of my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to go with the flow when I'm at home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be able to go with the flow at home when I can just go with the flow at work but when at home I totally fall into endless patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my standard of going with the flow requiring me to be very diciplined where I can go with the flow under a certain standard of exspection and dicipline.

When and as I see myself going with the flow at home, I stop, I breathe, I realize this is only going to make tbbinsg more difficult for me, thus, I commit myself to when at home to never go with the flow unless a certain standard which I'm developing is being reached within my commitments and scheduling.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest about how much it's going to initially take out of me to push myself towards the dicipline and commitments I want to develop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self hoensty that dicipline has never been something I've taken on in my life except for going to school and work where even then the diciplome was just going and I had no dicipline at work or school have just went and scraped by.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face the facts that this is completely new to me something I could never have even invistionrd being possible in really living schedule and dicipline within commitments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see what I'm taking on as being a real intense serious movement from laziness to dicipline to fortitude to self movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how big the task is where I've never had any charge over myself and my living and now through dicipline and schedule I'm taking charge over my life for the first time so it won't be easy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how much I need to breathe by breathe walk this transition through in taking charge over how I spend my time and what I consume going from careless to caring about how I'm spending my time and what it's all building.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it easy like this is what I've been working towards my whole life, when I have been conceptualizing who I'd like to be in comparison to others since I began process and immidetely conceptualized myself in comparison to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take it slowly breathe by breathe where if I ever do establish myself within the pricniole I want to live in my commitments to entertainment and consumption management I'll then have to move forward and keep pushing myself towards the next goal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I keep faultering and facing all this resistance where I should have been aware that there'd be reisstance in trying to change my lifestyle and how I managed my time.

When and as I see myself shcoked that this is a big task to try to change my lifestyle form being carefree to caring about my health and Joe I spend my time, I stop, I breathe, I realize I'm trying to change the neutral what I have lived my entire life from lazy to diciplined so of course there will be resistance, thus, I commit myself to exspect a lot of resistance to stop assuming that anything about trying to change my habitual nature of laziness would be easy where the easy thing has been being lazy and now this will be very hard and very uncomfortable as it has been already before even having really dig in and establish myself yet within my commitments and scheduling plans for my day to day life.