Day 306- high school

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I feel like I put the entire time I was in school behind me, like I'm a different person living a different life now, but it's like I have a few memories of School my mind might occasionally go back to, but the past is how I got where I am, I need to not supress my past memories just because I don't care 'I don't need those memories anymore they aren't relevant any more'

I didn't like school.

I feel like a pride like I didn't like it but I went and saw it all through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go through my entire school time through my entire life in resentment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be resentful all of high school not at all considering that I could use it as any kind of oppritunity for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go through all of high school just wandering around never settling into anything or actually establishing myself in any way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use high school to 'find myself', where I don't remember finding anything, I don't even think about high school.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize what high school was for me as a schooling in getting high in being high on my own mind and supressing everything and not caring about anything at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that It's ironic I've supressed my entire school expierence and only occasionally go back to a few spefec memories because the whole entire thing was just me slowly becoming more and more supressed until it started to really catch up to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress myself in every moment of my high school expierence just wanting to find any way to keep myself occupied to just get through without having to care.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have tried to care even a little about what I could have used high school as to prepare for my future to develop myself to actually find myself in my talents in my relationships in my future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going back and opeining up high school for even a few minutes where I start to see how much who I am is coming through from who I developed myself then, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize to this day I'm still coming down from the high of high school after 3 years of being out.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see there's a problem when after 3 years I'm still coming down from the high of high school still trying to recover from how much I exsisted in such a total state of supression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame high school for installing fear within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame high school for how I became so supressive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I'm racing through every day of my life to no end now where, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like high school would never end where every day I was just waiting for the time to be over for that day to go home and just continue my surpession in a more preferable manner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that feeling of the time dragging on forever is still how I feel within myself in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress my memories of high school to not consider it a welath of things to write about because I would never want to go back there again so why would I want to open it up in writing?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expierenced myself getting out of high school as having escaped and found my freedom where the systems I installed within myself during my school years are still totally controlling me and all still functioning same as ever but now I'm in a preferable enviornment of work instead of school where at least I enjoy my work and am rewarded and develop myself within it then how I shut down compeltely in high school.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how my habbit of being misrable tyring to wake up to go to school is something I carry with me to this day.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how my poor selfish relationships I created with other's during school is still existing within my relationships to other's.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider how my first memory I can recall has been of school where everything traces back to my memoires of being in school except for the time I had at home where I'd just be watching tv or playing video games.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish I could go back and warn myself that every day I spent dragging my feet through school is going to be who I'll be for the rest of my life only now desperately trying to possibly pull myself out of that exsistence and still possibly find some ambition left.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let 2 years of my life go right down the drain after leaving high school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite school so much that I'd throw away 2 years doing nothing to only within the past year actually start picking myself back up and tyring to make things right.

When and as I see myself supressing everything within myself in relationship to what I expirenced and created within high school, I stop, I breathe, I realize that however much I supress it it's all still here with me in this deep feeling of being stuck in the mud unable to move myself forward because of how I've supressed and tyring to put everything behind me, thus, I commit myself to within myself however scary it might seem to return to high school, to reopen everything that happened, to stop supressing my memories, to face how who I was then is what created who I am today.

I commit myself to stop dragging myself down in blame of high school for stiffiling me where I see I stiffiled myself, I could have made better of myself but choose to accept the system as my master, accept the school system as having control over me and my life instead of seeing what's going on and what things are all about for myself, to actually have given a hoot for real.