Day 302- being my own problem

Investigate Desteni.org

Feral

Fear all

I haven't treated myself very well, I'll wake up so tired and wonder why, I don't respect myself, I put myself in danger, I justify it try to bring others down with me.

Just lashing out at everything.

I been dragging my self forgiveness with just rambaling near the end of each one, I don't know, I've been trying to do a lot more of it all the time so maybe I'm just losing my focus to keep it all sharp and am just dragging things out, but it also helps me open up the points better then just talking in some ways, idk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be surprised that I'm my problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it's something outside of me that if I just keep swinging I'll hit the target.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider how much I've taken my life for granted that why wouldn't I start to attack myself force myself into action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel manipulated that I'm being so hard on myself when it's time for action self forviness it's just time to avtnor face the consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be surprised that it's time to move and deal with consquenxes when I thought I had all the time in the world, but I didn't it was just an experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I'm fighting with myself where if I don't see myself moving, like really not moving then what am I supposed to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect life to just carry me through the times and that I'll just get there riding on lives shoulders.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be entry like why do I have to move myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how that's war in the world equal to me where I eat with myself, if I'm not going to do what I need as life, then I'm going to fucking destroy myself until I get moving.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge this action when it gets things done within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the part of me that wages war where I'm getting the work done, I'm moving myself, the war is working.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how using war within myself is equal to war in the world where war is just a word, I could say if I don't get my act together I'm going to be sick it's a form of war, but it was just a cold I'm fine I'm doing better it suported me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the war occuring within me as bad because war is bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let things drag out until the pijt of war instead of being more pro active and saving war within me for only the most extreme cases.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be confused like how did I get dragged into this why do I have to walk this process where when I started I saw that it was what had to be done, and had very little question about it and still have very little question I just know this is what I must do, if I'm at war with myself then I diffentelty need to start paying attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have to fight with myself because I'm not making certain things clear to myself do have to keep doing reactions and judgement until I can get the picture some how.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I have to fight with myself when I don't even know what's going on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself get to this point of becoming totally incoherent that I have to fight myself constantly that I take out on others where I should have been taking better responsability for myself a long time ago.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be surprised that I've come to have to face this violent incoherent part of myself when even though I blame it on otherd I've been building this up for all my life and it's not even possible that it will be deconstructed easily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be surprised that it all added up to this, that my whole life has just added up to this belegerent mess when it all seems inevitable looking back, it seems inevitable that it'd come to this.

When and as I see myself surprised feeling like it can't be that I've been this being all my life, I stop, I breathe, I realize in retrospect there's nothing to be surprised about I can see how everything ever so slowly over my whole life became what it is today, and it's not that bad at all, just keep moving, thus, I commit myself to when I see myself surprised at how violent I get in my reactions my judgements the mind games I play, I slow down, I breathe, I accept that yeah that's me alright, that's me and I accept it for better or worse, and in that acceptance allow myself to change to forgive to breathe to live to change.

I commit myself to end all war, starting with myself.

...

On a side note, with everyone talking about the point of what if someone could see everything you've ever thought about them, what would their reaction be?

I want to say I wouldn't mind, I don't know.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to snuff my thoughts under the surface.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my thoughts and just supress them like they are irrelevant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be indiffrent of my thoughts where sometimes I do give into a thought and feed it and then all of sudden it gets blown up.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how thoughts are like lures to catch me like I'm a fish and I'll ignore most lures but then one will come up that I give into and then it catches me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how I feed into thoughts just for the hell of it like I have no direction 'I have nothing better to do'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself such little direction that I might as well just endulge my thoughts where I have nothing else to do with myself in any given moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care at all if my thoughts are about people like, my thoughts could be about anything what diffrence does it make, where, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that bceause my thoughts can be about people that this is a seeing that thoughts need to be stopped anything that can represent someone else but isn't really them might be better off stopped, perhaps.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take my thoughts serious where every thought represents something deeper down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that thoughts don't mean anything when they mean a lot and can show you things about yourself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how many thoughts I have where I supress my thoughts so much it's scary there's so many of them.

When and as I see myself supressing my thoughts, I stop, I breathe, I realize my thoughts should be able to just come and go without a comotion they're going to be there but it doesn't mean I need to feed into them or supress them, thus, I commit myself to when I see a thought come up in my head to develop the skill of just letting it be, not feeding into it or supressing it just let it go about it's buissness.