Day 296- lonliness, sadness, and tiredness

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I was at work, and I wasn't tired, I was playing, interacting, listening, learning, and doing my job.

I was having fun and I was with friends.

Then I get home and lay down and that tiredness from the end of a long day comes again.

But this time I saw a spark, this time I saw it in my mind, I wasn't just tried, there was a specific thought, and then tired, but it wasn't tired it was giving up, it was I've decided to be tied because I've given up.

The thought was of being alone, at work I'm with friends interactions having
fun getting my job done, but then I'm at home alone and the thought of being alone where's my girlfriend at?

Where's my girl?

So sad, but it's not sad when I don't think about it, but at the end of the day all alone it was a moment of giving up so I wouldn't face that sadness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my sadness about being alone without a girlfriend to the point of giving up and just becoming tired wanting to start tomorrow where a new day with new challenges will allow me to forget.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my sadness where I judge myself very harshly where, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being sad like 'I've been alone, and I've been fine, that's selfish to feel entitled to have a partner.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my judgement justify my sadness where I judge yet I accept.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that in accepting judgement of my sadness I grip that sadness and accept it, I choose judgement and hate of my sadness over actually changing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept sadness over being alone as something that I must accept and simply cope by judgement like it's wrong to be sad over something selfish self entitled, but I accept it because I'm not going to change it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my sadness in sleep where I don't want to address that the sadness is even there when it's growing like a tumor within my expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I've accepted to give my sadness great power, that I respect sadness as a way to have my way, like a girl will come to make me no longer sad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how I've given sadness a platform to do whatever it wants where if it needs me to go to sleep and give up then that's what I decide to do, in that moment of coming home having that thought, going from awake to tired, that's what great power I've given to sadness over myself, where I would never say aloud to myself or anyone that i'm sad about being alone, but in that moment it was unable to be hidden any longer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how much more powerful my sadness is in relationship to being alone where it's unconsciously directing me, my eating, my sleeping, my decisions, all being altered by a mood that I would not even know was there under the surface.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as strong for pushing through and snuffing out my sadness where it was never addressed or resolved and so now it's a demon that possess me where it tells me to go to sleep early and thus I never could reveal it, if the sadness tells me to just zone out and drink when I get home from work and then go to bed early, I wake up not having even known that my entire day was total self compromise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having no access to this emotion in relationship to loneliness except in writing and speaking self forgiveness where I don't cry, I don't feel sad, if I didn't slow down to have addressed this thought when I caught it I'd not even know, I'm sad and can't even see it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disguise my sadness in tiredness, where, why am I tired? 'I'm just still in my youth, that's what's happening, young people are tired, young people just are tired and hungry that's who i am, nothing more too it.'

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to drag this point out through my entire life where I remember feeling lonely from the youngest age and it's just always been there like a curse under the surface.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just be annoyed that sadness is just another point that I need to outline and start picking at just another thing to open up where within this I dismiss it, I dismiss all the ways I've compromised myself in relationship to this point where every point has specific dimensions and ways it is built up and affects me opening up this point will open up specific things, there's some release in writing it out, but within writing it out and correcting on a surface level it will start to uproot itself in real time, it's not just a chore opening up another point which I'll then have to do more work on, it's me changing an entire aspect of my life, taking responsibility for something that I've used to manipulate myself and others with for my entire life, it's a challenge to open it up and face how it will reveal itself in real time, there are so many different dimensions to working with this sadness that it isn't just a chore to have to defrag and delayer it's something that I'll be working with and walking with in real time constantly because that's what it has already become is a constant presence I'm never even aware of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as someone who doesn't get sad where I don't get sad to the point of crying rarely or even feeling sad, but the sadness is there I can see it in me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the scope of this point where in supressing this point so much and not allowing it to be resolved, it just bleeds out, into hate and anger annoyance like I can see it through the other things that it's opening up, like tiredness, instead of adressing and releasing that sadness, I just gave up, and became tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify me hurting myself and compromsing life with emotion where, I've always had an affinity with apathy, where I like to feel sad and enjoy feeling sad for myself because it feels good to feel sad for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy being alone so I can then feel sad and feel apathetic where apathy is this feeling that rushes through your nerves and you feel this buzz like you're all alone and cut away from everything like nothing matters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sad so I can just be selfish and indulge like nothing matters when you're sad and apathetic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use sadness to isolate myself from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my sadness on other's where wanting to isolate myself form other's is like saying this is other peopels fault I just need to be alone from them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use loininess as a reason to become sad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed that because I've always supressed my sadness so much I can't really pinpoint it that easy it's just something that seems like it's always been there under the surface somehow.

When and as I see myself supressing my sadness in realtionship to being alone and not having a girlfriend, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I cannot even open this point up very easy and that I need to through my day start isolating those sadness build up moments and briging them out so I can adress them, thus, I commit myself to bring those sadness moments up to the surface so i can actually get a solid read on what's going on even if sadness makes me feel bad or uncomfortable or back into more judgment I need to lure it out so I can capture it and then write it out/speak it out, where I can resolve it if I can just get my hands on it, if not then I just keep treding the surface until I can really spring a leak and maybe even cry or something if I hit a good chord on it.