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I don't want to think too much right now, but I'm going to think about the movie 300, and find some juicy points because it's my 300th blog and that's the name of the movie 300 which I remember seeing as a kid and I went home and did the spartan fight moves like, I saw the movie, but now what's the point?
I saw the movie it was a big rush I was a little kid, but now what? It's just going to be a memory it's not going to matter at all, so I remember me thrusting my toy or whatever like a spartan with a spear was like, no I liked this movie so much I'm going to live it out in playing with this toy, but no, I just was trying to relive that experience but it was just a moment just a moment and then it was gone.
It's funny how I can see everything within that memory, I didn't see it in that moment, it was there but I wasn't aware of it like I am looking at it now in what it represents, It's like the movie was as a little kid awesome and there was beautiful cgi scenery, (I don't think much of the movie was shot in real places), action, story which was fun and easy to follow, but then yeah, you get home, and I'm like, what now, I have all this meaning and purpose to this experience I have during this movie, but now it's gone, I thrust my toy like a spear like they did in the movie and run around after having been sitting through the whole showing, and then, life just returns to how it was, then maybe I watch some tv or then maybe play some video games.
The best I can put it into reference is like a drug, the intensity of watching this giant spectacle in the theater, exciting heart racing, and then I get home and it's like I'm coming down, like what did I do with my life again before I saw this movie? Not much else, that was the highlight of my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let media be the highlight of my life where I could see nothing else.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this trend continue consistantly through my whole life where even the last movie I saw a couple months ago in theater I had that same feeling walking out like, 'now what?', what did I do with my life before I was watching this movie?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need to be fullfilled externally where it's like I go from totally elated to being completely lost within the moments of being in the theater to leaving when the movies over where it was a rush and then it's gone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never have seen self fullfillment as a goal where all I ever knew was to be fulfilled through other's through media through external elements.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never have pieced together that my purpose could be to fullfill myself and then in being fullfilled be able to with a level head act and make decesiosn that support other's, because when you're desperate you make poor decesions, when you're self fullfilled what else do you have to do with your life then support other's as yourself, equal to yourself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never have seen that if I could have been self fullfilled I wouldn't have acted out and compromised myself in relationship to other's through my whole life becuase I wouldn't depend on what other's think of me to make me fullfilled I wouldn't need to turn off my brain and be immersed in a fantasy in tv and games to be fullfilled I could do more productive things.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not getting this picture earlier on where there was no one to share it, I didn't see it, I didn't learn this message, and even then I'm just starting to get the picture.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see no reason to be self fullfilled because then why even interact with the external world where you still want to live and be a part of your own and other's lives but with the foundation of being self fullfilled things can only exspand relationships are built up without back doors or compromise because you're already whole without them they can only bring good things.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have gotten the picture when i got home from seeing this movie as a kid and feeling like something was wrong where something was wrong that my fullfillment and direction in life was to seek exteranl stimulation, not to live, create, do anything, but to simply seek infinitley internal gratification in stimuli like games and movies and then my relationships followed that same need for some kind of extreme stimuli.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how this message is completely lost in society that I grow up in where there's all this media and drugs and crap and now that I see how it's better to just be self fullfilled to not have been programmed this way I've already dug myself in so deep.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret having dug myself so deep into needing to be exteranlly fullfilled where I can make the best of it and forgive and correct it and then be an example that you can be fullfilled without stimuli.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as weak for not being self fullfilled where it's just not how I was neccisaraly raised, I didn't know any more then what my enviornment had to offer me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my parents for not teaching me to be self fullfilled either where it just means that's how they were raised it's no ones fault, it's just how it is, bu I see that and can take responsability for accepting it even though I was just a kid I accepted a life of needing external stimuli, didn't question it.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how in doing self forgiveness I have been developing self fullfillment in a lot of diffrent way I just need to keep fin tuning things and taking care of the rough edges.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for other's where with VR really picking up people are going to start living in total isolation just plugged into external stimuli like in the matrix where, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about that where some people will do that if that ever comes around and some people won't what I need to worry about is what's my relationship to that stuff.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as doing things because I'm unfullfilled where there's lots of ways to interact with media or people while being fullfilled for example other people will always have perspectives and things to learn and grow from, no matter how self fullfilled you are it's always worth to try meeting new people and doing new things.
When and as I see myself looking to external factors for self fullfillement I stop, I breathe, I realize if for example I want to go on facebook when I'm bored at work on a slow day I can be fullfilled and make a direct decesion that I'd like to see what's going on facebook, or I can feel empty and bored and go onto facebook to be fullfilled with reactions, same physical action, but a very diffrent thing, with very diffrent outflows, thus, I commit myself to check when I'm doing things for external stimuli and fullfillment, I commit myself to when I see myself doing something for external stimlu to see how much I can do the thing I'd like to do while being self fullfilled within it, or see if maybe I don't want to do this thing and instead just focus on myself.
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