Day 291- turning process into a game

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I turn process into a game and a competition, that I need to 'win', I need to ignore everyone else so I won't be having to question my behavior and need to validate myself.

I get angry that I left and didn't walk self forgiveness in word for a few years, I think about who I could have become if I hadn't left to go play my own game in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to live up to my best potential because my life is always going to be significantly of less quality then what it could have been.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful that I'm here but I don't really want to put in my best efforts because I've already failed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to drag others down with me to validate myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be uncooperative where I just want to drag my feet and cry about who I could have been instead bother to make the best out of what I can still do with my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to settle for a game of process where I need to find a way to win where I see that to me I've lost in losing so much time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be stubborn where when I came back I was just happy that this time I was really going to stick things out, until, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let who I could have been creep into who I am and what I'm making of myself where, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not appreciate myself that I learnt what I needed and can now apply myself as I always saw in others and wanted for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to manipulate in any way I can just to have something where I feel I've lost something in not having seen things through from years ago.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in everything only see myself and who I could have been, instead of who I am now and what I have to give as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen for how great I could have been, how much more I would had to give.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drag out my past instead of just looking at what really happened where, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to drag others down with me instead of just taking a proper look at why I went to play my own game instead of walking things out for real and why I still need to play that same game that I left to play to begin with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ungrateful where I'm right where I want to be and just need to keep applying myself, but, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep making excuses why I don't deserve anything where, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn things into a game of what I deserve, where, i forgive myself that I have acceptee and allowed myself to not see how what I can give to myself, the more I can gift in forfivness to myself, can be my gift to everyone as myself, where, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drag others down with me by not sharing my gift of self forgiveness to myself with them where I don't care about people any more then pieces in my own game that I haven't resolved yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take self responsability and resolve my game of mind ego personal value and just focus on getting things done so I can share what is left of me to give to everyone.

When and as I see myself playing my game to elevate myself where I see myself as having failed in giving up in not walking self forgiveness for years to instead play my own game, I stop, I breathe, I realize I must stop all the mind games and just focus on what I have left as walking my process in a way that I can share it with others as my gift, thus, I commit myself to see where I impulsively try to act out my game and see where instead I can stand in support of a new life for myself and everyone within process, I commit myself to see what's more I can do for others to support their process instead of seeing where I can support mine and others mind games.