Day 59- Silence after the storm

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find solace in the silence after the storm.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the moment of everything being ok, after rough or excruciating events have transpired.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto within myself the moments of everything being ok.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the moments of everything being ok, because I am in conflict within myself towards the moments when things were not ok.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate self responsibility by hiding myself in moments of being ok, where I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the moments of things not being ok are waiting for a chance to strike again, so the silence after the storm is a chance to recuperate but not to become complacent, because the storm is still brewing off in the distance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only see and lay attention to my stress, emotions, feelings, and expiernece when it is immidetely affecting me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be harboring all of these expressions within my mind in secret, where I can only see them once it is already to late, and a reaction has occurred which I cannot take back.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest my mind as a personality where it acts and expresses on it's own volition, where I am left to just sit back and watch unable to prevent what I have spent my whole life formulating.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be able to see how I have formulated my reality through mental expiernece, to the point where I find solace in a moment of realitive silence.

Just one moment in time, and only realitive silence where my mind is still playing out, just not as prevalent.

This is what I have become.

joy in my life, comes from moments where I did not equate my mind to be able to rock and pelt me, where I am only able to enjoy the moments I can find to hide from my own creation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so decived to think that 'I am ok', just because I have a moment to sit and write and 'step back' form my problems.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my expiernece because I am trying to write it out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that if writing becomes just a way to escape, and I do not apply myself in my day to day through the commitment to not just forgive myself for my storm, but to commit myself in reapplying myself for one equal to all.

This is a grand oppritunity.

Time to push.

In writting my self out, I am able to bridge the gap, where I see myself suffer in my day to day, and don't know what I can do to support myself, in any number of decisions, activities, situations, this is my oppritunity to make amends within myself.

But, I must will myself to do so, because I have constrewed a personality which would take solace in a moment of silence, only to return to a bitter and painful creation.

How can I pay it back? How can I bridge tomorrow's worries, and stife, back to myself in this moment.

In realizing it doesn't 'leave', and 'come back', it just shifts, moves, and reasserts itself within my system.

I don't feel stressed, upset, worried, concerned, deceived, inept, desperate, in this moment...

Yet I know, I harbor the potential for such things.

I commit myself to be proactive.

Because the storm is coming back around, if I'm ready or not.