Day 71- Lounging

I have a goal, an idea for myself, to be lounging all the time. At work, at home, everywhere I go, I want to be lounging.

What does this mean in different terms? In a more practical living expression.

I want to be unmoved, to swim through live untethered by my mind.

So, lounging is like relaxing. I'm not really living the words relaxation, in my life.

I'm living the words, anxiety, stress, nervous, on edge.

Those aren't lounging words.

Those are survival words.

I want to stop surviving as my mind, and start lounging as myself, here, not charged up with emotional experience as stress, anxiety, worry.

I immediately become defensive, like why should I be relaxed, content, and comfortable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to challenge my own common sense that I should be living and expressing myself in a way I see as objectively better for myself as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so caught up in my own ways, that I'm not willing to take the most basic step of change, as comfort, and relaxation, over stress, and conflict.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist change, even if it seems like it would be in the best interest of life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be naive within holding an expression within me out of resistance to change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself, when I say, this is clearly what is best for life, as being relaxed and content, over being stressed out for no good reason.

This part of me is saying, the stress, and anxiety, will fall away as I write it out in time, and until then I'm stuck with it.

That's more of my mind speaking, but me, the most me here speaking, is saying, that's not true, you can always make things better for yourself, and you can be relaxed, and content, and you can lounge, without having written out every single point of stress and anxiety.

Because it's one of the things I learn listening and observing the Desteni community, you can live words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live the word stressed out.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to instead live an objectively better word of lounging, as being here, content, relaxed.

I resist real change, as the living word, the living expression.

Yet, I'm totally willing to live out change in my mind, as false, as a picture, an experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take the illusion of change over real change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live without common sense, when I take a clear substitution over the real thing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to change, without living and breathing the real thing, so I can keep who I am in tact.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to keep who I am as my mind in tact, and somehow believe that I still deserve to change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to keep who I am as stress and anxiety in tact.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value on stress and anxiety, as tools of survival.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I cannot change who I am if I am still trying to survive as my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust who I am here, as life, to be able to live, as to eat, and work, and survive as a human body, where I believe I need stress and anxiety to keep me afloat.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need stress and anxiety to survive, as stress and anxiety influence me to make the most limited decisions interested only in myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have lived as what's best for life as being relaxed, content, as lounging.

I commit myself to, stop, breathe, when and as I see myself living the words stress, anxiety, and worry, as I reassert myself as the words, relaxed, content, and lounging.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the state of being here with myself and being relaxed in my movement and actions and within my body as being 'lazy'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to avoid relaxation where I associate it with weakness and not being active in my world and environment.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize relaxation and calm and content as being one and working with my body here, in each breathe, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stifle my ability to be here and work with my body when I"m trying to survive and avoid words like lounging and relaxing, because to me, I'm not seeing what's really happening as the constriction and stress on the body through my mental practices as anxiety worry and stress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I have never actually tried to live and work within and as my own body in each breathe before, so it makes sense that I had the initial defensive reaction, it's frightening to face how I am neglecting myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing how I have neglected myself as survival, and have actually limited how I breathe, and act, and move within my body and world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to survive as my mind as the way I'd like things to be as my ego, at the expense of relaxation as the luxury of giving me back to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to leech off of the physical, as indicated by my inability to be here, relaxed, content, and comfortable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to substitute real comfort, and real content here in living and breathing as myself, with feelings, as feeling, tried, and feeling then the release within sleep.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear lunging into myself, as lunging myself, as lounging within and as myself, as just breathing, and just being here to my fullest capacity.

So, I wrote out the other day about that sort of fear as wanting to hold onto just one part of my mind, wanting to stop certain things as attachments to dreams, and certain mental play outs, and I wanted to make a statement for myself, that I will try to go all in, no holds barred, in seeing that I fear letting go of certain things.

So, what I want to give to myself as self support within this commitment which I'm walking, is to go all in, as to leap into my body, to lunge back into myself, as to lounge as I am here, and I'd like to be content and comfortable, as I walk myself back to life.

Here's how I'm going to try to approach this.

I've been having the most bizarre/interesting relationship to my breathe, as I try to develop self awareness as breathe to the best of my ability, I realize a lot of it is a process, and I realize when I'm consistent writing self forgiveness within self honesty, I mimic that stability within myself as breathe.

When I was not doing self forgiveness yet still trying to breathe in self awareness still trying to change to no real avail, I found my breathe bordering insanity, I was trying to breathe as all kinds of different ways and expressions, and It's hard to really describe what I was doing, my one goal was to stop my mind, and a lot of consequence and outflow arouse from that point, when being done without self honesty and self forgiveness.

Here and now I'm putting some of these pieces together for myself, where I see I can still utilize my breathe in some fascinating ways, and am becoming more proficient at maintaining myself as self awareness within breathe.

So, In the past I've tried to breathe myself into a state of relaxation, among trying to breathe myself into many other different states of mind, during my time away from my writing, but this time, with utilizing self honesty, self forgiveness, I'm going to see if I can't utilize my breathe in a more practical way this time around.

This is going to be pretty crazy...

Ok, I commit myself to in each moment, as each breathe, actively, as directly, as me moving myself in each breathe, as the word lounging as relaxing.

This is really crazy, because I'm talking each breathe, living the word relaxation, in each breathe. For ever, till death, as actually living it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the task of breathing as relaxation in each breathe, until death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear self responsibility, as I am responsible to myself until death, and I should be relaxed as working with my own body within that time-span.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting myself down within falling and giving up on breathing as relaxation as the living word directly for and as myself within each breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I won't actually be able to live these words of lounging and relaxing, and content, because I believe it will be coming from my mind as consciences, and only erupting as a feeling expression within myself.

That's an interesting point and brings me to something I have struggled with within myself.

How do I know I'm living something, vs. just manifesting mental experience.

I don't really have a good answer to that in this moment, but what I know is that what I have seen, within myself and other's in relationship to living self forgiveness is very real, and very possible, and that no matter what trials and tribulation I face, I find myself no more complete than when I am here, with myself, breathing, forgiving, and trying to create myself as what is best for all of life.

I commit myself to try, even when it seems totally batty, I commit myself to try, because I have nothing to lose, and everything to gain within self forgiveness.