Monday, June 20, 2016

Day 148- Isolating Myself from Relationship's

To me, Prioritizing thinking is a good skill to practice.

To think I need to go to bed at this time, I need to do this at this time tomorrow, at this time I can be free to do this or that, at some point I need to decide when I will do this task,

That's the best format for thinking.

Even that can get complicated, for me I can set things up pretty good, I'm doing this this and this that these times, and settle into that relatively easy, but then I might find myself constantly reminding myself what time and what things I'm doing for this day, that's where it becomes this fear influence, I fear I'll forgt my schedule, and even if i were to write it down, I'd just would keep checking it out of fear of forgetting.

I think about people too much, what will this person be like tomrrow, what will this person say, who will be scheduled for tomrrow at work, how can I appease this person, how can I avoid that person.

I can set everything up, I'm doing this this and this, but I can't prepare myself for what anyone else will say or do, but it clearly affects me, I clearly think about it when I don't need to.

It probably ties a lot into how I don't remain in relationships with the same people for very long, don't like to invest much into a single person, unless it's a girl I'm dating, which is ironically a relationship witch is rarely at my disposal, I end up being happy alone, which is a great trait to have, but I can also see how it's suppressing my facing of relationships with other's.

Where, I don't make things work, if someone bothers me, or gets on my nerves, then screw it, I'd be happier alone.

So again, it's not preferring to keep to myself, it's that I'm deliberately avoiding facing the relationship, forming new relationships bound to the same problems, with the same resolution of 'screw it then'.

I love cracking up and having fun with other people, so I can't just play the 'I'm not a people person', I love people, I love when I'm getting along with and am on the same page with people.

One things I notice is 'people', it has this tinge of 'the others', like I'm not a 'people' as well.

I'm a people too, so do I not behave one and equal with myself?

I do.

When I'm not aligned and on the same page as myself, when I'm not having fun and getting alone with myself, when I make things difficult, when I get on my nerves I shut down, because I can't just leave the relationship with myself, I can't just walk away from myself, so instead I do the same thing I would do if I were say, at work with someone I wasn't getting along with, I wouldn't try to resolve the problem, because my resolution would be to run away, so I would just become emotional and shut down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotional and shut down when relationships with people including myself, become too complicated.

It's weird to call myself a people, but it's in recognizing I have the same relationship I have with myself as I do with others, so I could just say relationships, as all of my relationships being the same reflection of myself.

That's still a little convoluted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my will to breathe to direct myself and to move myself through space and time, based on the relationship's I'm experienceing around me.

I really need to be liked, if I don't feel like I'm liked or appreciated I consider that a bad relationship and shut down and become emotional, it's funny because I sit back and watch it happen all the time, and am right there on the front lines, speaking a loud to myself, "well fuck them then", "what a prick" usually just based on the potential of someone not liking me as a person, usually just out of suspension and without evidence, like, there's a small chance this person might not like me, "screw umm".

It's become such a malicious habit, I can't even retrospect what's going on there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the need to retaliate within myself when I'm not liked, as though it's a deliberate attack on me to not enjoy me and my presence.

From what I'm looking at right here it's no surprise if no one liked me, I'm very hostile.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience someone not liking me and not wanting anything to do with me as a personal strike against me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people who don't like me and appreciate me as having something wrong with them.

I feel ashamed, like, that's no way to coexist with anyone, how do I live with myself?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed at seeing the real dynamic of my relationships, which is based on power dynamics, as I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed at being presented with this information when it's not like it was hidden, it was always there, I'm ashamed I have to face it and can't maintain the way I exsist within myself any longer.

I'm ashamed that I've failed to upkeep my way of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go about the way I form and exsist within relationships with others assuming that I couldn't be so misalignmend within my relationships because I'm a 'good' person, and could do no evil.

That's why my hostility towards people has become more and more outwards and expressive, the illusion of being a good person who can only form good relationships was always a false pretense bound to collapse, but it really takes sitting down and investigating, because I don't pay attention really during my day-to-day interactions because don't really care, which is another red flag of misalignment.

To treat people however I'd like, calling myself a good person who can't be wrong, and not caring to investigate if I am, all the while avoiding people who could potentially make me look at myself... I don't know how I've been functioning as a person, outside of convincing people to like me using good humor.

So to top it all off, it was all a joke anyway.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize humor to supress the actual relationship forming within myself.

Which can literally translate to, I don't like this person, so I'll make a joke to them about how I don't like them.

That's not a real example, but it is shocking to think how close to reality that represents how I would utilize humor on a regular basis to avoid confrontation or directly facing problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be shocked when presented with the reality of my nature, when I knew from the start, when beginning my process after becoming involved with Desteni's teachings, that this sort of shocking reality of human nature was inevitable, I'm shocked this is happening so soon.

Why can't I just keep joking and gagging my way through life anymore?

I know I'll try to still, because I'm just now looking at this point, but now that I've opened it up it is now Pandora's box, I can never be the same again, I'd have to lie to myself twice as hard, leading to twice as much consequences.

And it's not like having fun and having humor is the problem, it's that I'm utilizing it as a form of supression.

Happy the outside, crying on the inside sort of dilemma.

This character of humor, of hostility, of avoiding relationships is such a big part of my personality and character that this is a great running start, so,

I commit myself to pay more attention to this character, study this character.

How will I remember to do that?

I won't even have to directly remember, I'll just command it into exsistance within myself, thusly,

When and as I see myself playing out relationship dynamics within myself in relationship to myself and other's, I stop direct participation, I breathe, and in stopping direct participation, I realize what's occuring automatically, as realizing what is the program that is running without my knowledge or understanding, and I commit myself to realize how I'm creating and living my relationship's by simply noting them and studying them, as taking a back seat and seeing what is unfolding before my eyes, so I can take these points back to myself.

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