I'm sitting here, seeing no way out from the movement inside of myself again.
I can consciously open this point up at any time with no effort.
I open up this point inside of myself and It's like a wave, an endless wave.
Like I'm rocking on the ocean.
'Endless'
'Infinite'
'Beyond time'
'Beyond myself'
'Divine'
'Unstoppable Force'
My perception, my conscience perception.
I percieve this as being unstoppable.
Beyond time, beyond myself, beyond an end.
That's untrue.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive this energy moving within me as unstoppable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within being stuck with this expression within me for so long that I've made myths and stories and legends about it within myself, where my very perception of it became that it cannot be stopped.
What happens when I truly realize I'm capable of stopping this movement of energy within me.
I believe it can't be stopped, because during the time and formulation of this expression i created of energy moving within myself, I wasn't utilizing self forgiveness and I didn't have the capacity to handle this situation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view this energy moving within myself as unquestionable and unstoppable because I wasn't willing to open it up and investigate it in self forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view this energy within me as infinite and unstoppable through my mind as consciences without referring to the physical reality to get a real opinion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define this movement within my mind and not within my living as self movement.
When and as I see myself perceiving this energy moving within myself as unstoppable and infinite, I realize I've never taken reality as the physical into account, only my conscience perception, thusly, I commit myself to place this energy within me into my physical body in each breathe to discover what the physical body has to say about this thing.
Ok going in again.
I feel like this thing is separate from me, like an energetic expression that got trapped within me.
I don't know any other way of existence, I wake up and I go to sleep with these strings nothing attached to them nothing in relationship to them, a sheer unconditionally conscience possession.
Not a little habit or behavior or reaction pattern I picked up in my youth, something I deliberately knowingly created to supplement real self forgiveness.
I open it up again, and it moves in a particular way, I know it isn't random, it has a distinct flow, a distinct pattern.
My breathe and my awareness, that's where the pattern comes from.
Why?
Because that's what I was trying to supplement, exactly what the purpose was, to create awareness in each breathe, what I learned through researching Desteni and what I assumed was correct because in my mind it correlated perfectly.
But I didn't apply self forgiveness i didn't test it I didn't question it, I wanted to be right.
I can remember the exact moment, where I was, who I was with, what I said, the exact moment I made the conscience decision that 'I get it', this is what awareness in each breathe is, and form that moment on I did not let go, under any circumstance.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to implement this energetic experience system within myself because I was desperate to figure out how I should be breathing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force this system into place because I believed I wasn't going to get anywhere if I didn't do something, realize something and really see it through.
I was probably 16 at the time.
Everything I saw within myself within what I saw through my world as Desteni I put into my breathing, the system I created as 'how to breathe'
It went a long ways.
4 to 5 years.
That's what I'm dealing with, conscience deliberate force of mind for 4 to 5 years.
In all that time, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let each time it shifted and changed drastically within myself to go unquestioned in self honesty, because I wasn't using self forgiveness and self honesty at the time, so I justify each time it shifted or hit a major dead end... I wasn't doing it right, there's a right way to breathe, I just know it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continually give in and cave in and then try again because I truly truly believed there's a right way to do this, I just know it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the fear and doubt when one way of projecting this system within my breathe failed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pick myself back up and try again because I feared what would happen if I didn't push myself harder.
If I didn't push myself harder, I might have given up, and turned back to Desteni and my writing and self forgiveness and everything sooner.
It was just a fork in the road that I took, my intention to me the same as everyone else's, to carve a way for life, for living.
What I carved and what I was living was true madness.
A conscience deliberate madness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my passion and my drive possess me, to not allow me to give up under any circumstance.
Like a dictator, no compassion, no remorse, no doubt, this is life, this is what I'm doing.
Unquestioned authority.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this energy moving within me be an unquestioned authority because I saw Bernard Poolman as an unquestionable authority, I saw the Desteni message as an unquestionable authority, and then through the same mistaken perception I saw myself and what I began to create in each breathe as an unquestionable authority.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe what I perceive within Desteni as unquestionable authority become expressed within myself in each breathe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place authority within myself without self trust self honesty and self forgiveness.
It was just in my mind, Desteni is the beginning and the end for me, and then I created this energy within myself which replicated what I experienced as the unquestionable force and authority of Desteni.
I'm on a roll right now.
Fuck me.
And that's exactly how I felt, all the pieces came together in what I created in each breathe as this system, I even remember thinking to myself on an airplane, I'm going to take a break from writing for a while, 'this is where it's at', this is the 'real thrill'
The 'real thrill' was that the potential I saw in Desteni became any other spiritual realization or experience, and writing and forgiving working and researching was a buzz kill.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself, 'how could I be so naive'
It's the same right or wrong, the same authority which got me into this situation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I saw within Desteni was unquestionable because it gave me so much purpose.
So it wasn't about living or applying the tools as self forgiveness and self honesty, it was that it felt good to feel like I had a purpose in each breathe in each moment, I was becoming another ascended master, and even the writing that I was doing on and off while going through this experience wasn't enough to slow me down.
Something still isn't clicking I should have applied the tools and not gotten so fussed up over how great it felt to give myself purpose.
When and as I see this energy moving within me, I stop, I breathe, I realize this does not reflect the Desteni message of self forgiveness and self honesty, I realize this is just a remnant of my reactions and thoughts towards Desteni and what I made it mean to me, thusly, I commit myself to walk the real process of self forgiveness and self commitment statements, as I realize what I've made out of that rush that energy I received in relationship to Desteni and gave authority too was misguided and naive.
Ok, again, I'm going in again.
Peace
Of course
It was never completed, I never found what I was looking for in this system.
I never found peace and perfection within each breathe, to drift through life like a drone perfect in action and deep unmoved and unstoppable.
Indeed
That's a very important element in each breathe through moving myself as this energy I was trying to make it stick, to figure out how to get 'there'.
I wasn't about breathing to be stable to be here, to get through moment to moment to return back to what mattered as self forgiveness.
I was about creating my ultimate potential through just manufacturing it.
Engineering it within my mind implanted in each breathe.
It's still there, 'I could have made it'.
Each time I was so close, each time I changed how the system moved or operated, I was so close.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I was so close, because that was the only way to keep me going, the carrot on the string.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question that what I was seeking was not just in my mind, where even if I found 'it', how could I have maintained it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this movement where I moved myself directly within each breathe drag on for so long because this time will be it, this time I see I can do it.
Do what? Get where? Why?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never take the end point into account, because I won't know until I'm there, and then I'll be done.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to construct an end point to this energetic movement system, where just like religion, you'll know if you've ascended once you get there.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indoctrinate myself into my own religious system, perfectly constructed for and by me.
The perfect system.
A heaven to come, a light at the end of the tunnel, a promise that if I follow my conscienceness unquestioned I'll get wherever it was that I was going.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to keep trudging through this system I was implanting in each breathe because I wanted to be complete once I got to the end.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need this system to be completed within each breathe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need more than what is here within each breathe unmoved to be complete.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as incomplete without something outside of myself as the end, the transcendence, heaven.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek completion within each breathe because I didn't feel complete, why am I not like what I see in everyone else, why am I me, why do I feel lost.
I commit myself to live breathe and die by the statement that I am here I am one I am equal I am life.
When as I see this energy moving within me, I stop, I breathe, I realize I am complete as the physical, thusly, I commit myself to not participate within this movement within me as I realize I am complete without it and it is distracting me from living my life to the fullest.
Not done yet, not completely forgiven yet, but I commit myself to persist.
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