Today I tried to do self forgiveness to chill out, not doing self forgiveness to then in result be chilled out by the action of self forgiveness, but literally doing self forgiveness for not being chilled out more, because I thought what would support me is to be chilled out in each breathe, that'd be nice.
But I think what happened is that I was trying to live and express being chilled out as an experience, circumventing the reason I desire to be chilled out, as to not have to exist as feeling weak and tired and pensive.
I watched a video talking about how self expression comes from self forgiveness, so trying to force a specific result of being chilled out might not be the best course of action.
Trying to suppress the way I was feeling and trying to superimpose another system.
I see where I got a little mixed up though after watching that video.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to create something within myself within self forgiveness to circumvent what I'm trying to overlap within myself.
Being chilled out as a self expression would come from me forgiving that which is made me not chilled out.
It's like if I were depressed and tried to make myself not depressed without addressing what's making me depressed in self forgiveness, allowing the potential within me to sprout naturally as an expression of myself.
A pretty good lesson to be learnt, and it's good to have watched a video and done some research admitting that I'm not well educated on the subject which helped accelerate my understanding.
Let me take on the point of being chilled out again from a new perspective.
So instead of trying to insert being chilled out as circumventing the process needing to be walked, I look at, why am I not chilled out?
I'm not living my potential to be chilled out, because I'm living the word pensive.
Everything is so serious and impending and extreme.
Like going to work, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be pensive about going to work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be pensive at work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sick and tired of writing about work, when I can clearly see how pensive and stressed about going to work I am, so I'm tired of conflict arising in relationship to work, but am simultaneously creating resistance to facing my conflict to work.
Instead of facing my conflict I just wanted to get through work by being chilled out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into my fedupness with work by trying to just get done with work by being chilled out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be upset that I can't find a good way to support myself at work to make things easier on me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make things easier on myself at work and be chilled out by better aligning myself in each breathe, where I can be here in each breathe where I can be chilled out.
So instead of trying to align myself with another creation as being chilled out I align myself as equal to that which is making me not chilled out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize myself as equal to why I can not chill out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to force myself to chill out to not be equal to the things mind me in not chilled.
I want to be equal to being chilled out by separating myself from the things making me not chilled out.
So that's the problem.
What specifically is not chilled out within me at work.
It's stressful to be at work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define work as stressful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I'm stressing myself out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame work for making me stressed out and not chilled out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize myself as being able to go into work and create myself within work as whatever I'd like it to be, but I'd prefer it to be stressful as a statement that I don't want to be here.
I tried to address not wanting to be at work with being chilled out, but not addressing why I don't want to be at work is because I don't feel like I can chill out at work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create work as a place where I cannot chill out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I can support myself at work by chilling out, as just being there with whoever is there and doing the work, that's chill, that's part of life just make it happen.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not utilize chilling out just breathing and being here with my body because I've got too much on my mind.
How am I going to resolve everything on my mind at work? I need to be in a place where I can sit down and write and speak self forgiveness.
'I don't want to chill out, I've got too many problems'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live the words chilling out because I've got too many problems to tolerate ever not being pensive and overworked by all my problems...
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obsess over my problems outside of my self forgiveness.
Right now in self forgiveness is the time to be totally overwhelmed, and to channel that into writing.
Work is a time to just be chilled out.
I've got things a little backwards for some reason.
I'm obsessed over my mind when I can't do anything about it at work, then I'm stumped when I'm at home writing self forgiveness when I should be obsessed and totally digging into my mind.
This doesn't make sense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be pensive about being at work and not addressing my problems when I'm at work.
And then I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be chilled out when I'm at home and it's time to be obsessed and actually digging into things.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my problems on work when I can't address them when I should be blaming myself for feeling relived that I've escaped work where all my problems lie.
This is why I'm whacked out, not chilling when it's chill time at work.
I see my problems at work because I can't address them, then once I'm out of work it's like my problems are gone because I'm in a position to be addressing them.
From here I can actually get to a place where i can chill out, because I actually see how I've made everything ass backwards.
There's so much to dig into here...
So let me focus with my words.
I put my problems up at work.
I blame work for my problems, so then when I leave work, I resolved my problems!
Work instead of being the best place to chill out and have fun, becomes the harborer of all my problems.
Escaping work becomes escaping my problems.
Really crazy stuff.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trigger all of my problems when they cannot be addressed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress all of my problems when they can be addressed.
The key here is that I'm a deception artist.
Yes I'm working towards equality through self forgiveness, but I'll be a deception artist all along the way, placing traps and misleading myself.
Now I see why I've made work backwards.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to scape goat all my problems on work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being at home as my Savior where I can finally address my problems, yet if i just sit around doing nothing, nothing changes, I have to be my own Savior wherever I go.
Relief.
I'm stuck at work, then going home makes me unstuck, hence the sense of relief.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek the positive feeling of relief from my problems, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand equal with my problems through self forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek relief through self forgiveness instead of realizing myself as equal to my mind and equal to forgiving and changing my mind and my relationship to my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand in inequality with my mind, where I cannot direct my mind because I'm not equal to it, how can I forgive it if it's not a part of me.
I need to learn more about equality.
For now I'd say everything is one and equal, because that make's, but don't know.
When and as I see myself not standing equal to what I'm capable of at work as chilling out and leaving my problems to be addressed when I actually can address
them, I stop, I breathe, I realize I can't do anything at work but chill out and do the work, then take on my problems when I actually can at home, thusly, I commit myself to be chilled out and focused on work I'm doing at work, and I commit myself to let everything out in my writing where I can actually work with the information and things coming up in self forgiveness and self honesty.
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