Day 331- mania

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I my mind gets racing sometimes, and I started doing a few things when this happens.

My mind will bring up a bunch of things bothering me and I'll start growling, like, get out of here! I don't want you around right now thought, get out!

I'll make all kinds of noises and purring and I remember writing about this a long time ago so I've been doing it for a while.

It's pretty funny, I think sometimes it can be very supportive, to just express my displeasure towards my mind and what's going on in making a noise, yelling, or growing, or purring or anything goofy just to take me back to myself.

It's funny to be randomly making noises, but the issue is that sometimes it's crisis level, my mind is racing and jumping off the ceiling, and I'm not pleased and sometimes disturbed, so underneath the surface it's more serious then the funny way I respond to these moments or episodes.

The point being that when something is possessing me so much it's leading me to involuntary/compulsive noises then it's pretty serious.

The noises are delberate in that I'd rather growl, grunt, show my displeasure and express myself then to just bottle everything in, but often it's not enough to actually resolve things I then have to pin point some important pieces and take it into writing self forgiveness.

But it's cool to see how I find ways to express and support myself outside of self forgiveness showing how self forgiveness opens avenues to self expression and exspansion, that the forgiveness has to be taken into living and application, where at some points in my life I might have supressed everything within me if I'm having a episode of emotions or thoughts, but now I can slow down and breathe, or make a noise to snap myself out of it if I have to and that's nice.

But importantly when I'm having experiences that are dellusional, paranoid, agressive, fast, disconnected, uncomfortable, even if I do breathe or make a sound to stablize I need to stop sweeping these moments under the rug so easily, like I forget it ever even happened.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress my psycotic experiecnes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get through and get done with manic episodes instead of getting through them and then taking them back in retrospect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself suffer through manic episodes without doing anything to ensure that it doesn't happen again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy puppeting myself with manic episodes where I can just pull all my strings and just watch what I do like it's a joke.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that just because I have tools like making noises to relax myself and take things back and to breathe doesn't mean to just forget about how serious it is that I let my mind go to such distant places unchecked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as having to go through these moments and having to just accept them as a part of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as needing to accept something so abusive to myself and other's as something that is how things are as manic episodes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how powerful my manic episodes are where I've let them go unchecked for so long that it's harder then ever to reel myself back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the rush of a manic episode.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy being able to go into mania beacuse in those moments I'm going to get things done my way, I'm going to take what I want from my own body though the energy that I get in the experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the control of being able to break out into mania at any moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy having this contorl when, when it's happening I see that I don't like it at all, but then I forget.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself with mania which I don't enjoy when it's happeing and then assume that I enjoied it and everything was fine afterwards because I forget.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget how easily I go into manic episodes because I only see what's directly in front of me at any given moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed msyelf to create myself as a character which feeds off of my own mania without even realizing it.

When and as I see myself forgetting about how serious and important it is to adress my mania episodes, I stop, I breathe, I realize that it's important to remember these moments because they hurt physically and I don't enjoy them and they happen often enough to be taken very seriously, thus, I commit myself to look at myself and the character I'm living to see how it ties into my mania to remind me of my own mania where otherwise in my mind I simply forget about this problem.

I commit myself to stop expressing myself as a character which thrives on the suffering caused within mania and psychosis.

I commit myself to take my mental health more seriously.