Day 41- Catching Fish as Mind Movement

In my life I remember always being moved.

It's funny to think that I have lived up until this point without ever moving myself. My writing now and with the past within self forgiveness is the only time I have ever moved myself.

The only time I made a definitive decision for and as myself in how I would live, how I would forgive, how I would change myself, how I would create.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my mind influence how I move within the decisions I make, and the direction I go in life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my body to be a bag of meat thrown in whatever direction my mind fortells.

Parents

Friends

School

Media

My mind

Where have I ever tooken a stand for myself?

And where had this left me. Where now the Consequence's are not hidden in any way, I can see what has happened to me, as how I have embraced my mind moving me, as who I am, and attempted to direct myself in this way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed that I have given my life to my mind of which I gain nothing, but the oppritunity to surrender.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize every time my mind moves me, I lose my ability to move myself in my world, as being able to decide who I am and what I do in each moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my self to let my mind move me under the guise that this personality is who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide as a personality because I fear taking a stand as an individual, as a living being of flesh.

I don't imagine many people expiernece their mind as I do, but that may have to do with what time I have now and in my past utilized self forgiveness, as a means of taking a stand in my life, and where I am now and have been for several years, I'm a twisting nether of strings, of movement, that I can see and expiernece in my 'mind's eye', as well as in my body. Where every defenece I create against my mind from within it falls. I feel like a torrent of endless spiraling shaking energy.

I am not in a pleasant state of being.

I moved myself to this place as I have written many years ago of self forgiveness.

I thought I had progressed to some level of control and stability in my life within all this energetic movement and expiernece.

But it was only until I had tried to move myself as life the 10,000th time, only to end up lost again in the sea of my mind as energy, that I found Self forgiveness again, and I found how I had wound up here, through all of my expiernece, and all of my participation.

My participation has always been to stand down and be moved.

Now, I commit myself to rise, and move myself within my very word, as the living word, as I decide to move myself within my wiritng, and I decided where I will make my stand against myself as the world within and without.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved by anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved by feelings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved by fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved by manipulation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved by lathargy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved by being tired.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved by giving up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved by pain.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved by discomfort.

Now that I have layed out the line, I go about my day, as waiting, waiting for a fish to catch, to find something that moves me, something I may not even have considered within all the dimensions and string being pulled within my reality, and the fight between me and the fish will be me writing out the point.

Because Desteni within all of their cruelty never gave me a single fish, they only gave me the whole ocean as myself, as they taught me how to fish, to fish for all that moves in my mind, the whole ocean of my entire reality, as my world one and equal, coming from my fingers to write, and from the top of my tounge to speak, I commit myself to be patient as every good fisherman should be.

Day 40- No Time for Entertainment.

When I have days that I am working 11 hours, I get home and I want to write, and work on myself in self forgiveness, yet I find I am also torn between the desire to spend my time on other things and other people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become conflicted within myself when having a limited amount of time before I must sleep to have the energy to get up the next day, and not deciding as commiting myself to do what I need to do within writing and reading, and within this allow myself to exsist in a state of limbo where I allow my desires to relax and not become involved in my world and reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not face myself as time consequence outflows, where I do not make a decision to spend my time investigating and writing out myself, and end up with just what I create, as a state of limbo never having made a definitive decision or taking on the actions required of me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face in self honesty that when I allow distractions as entertainment and lounging about, I am left with the Consequence's of not utilizing the time that I have outside of work effectively.

As I have written out entertainment for myself, I find myself acting on the realization that I am the one making the choice to give into entertainment as to not judge or feel guilty about this decision.

Yet, now looking at my decisions with more clarity in having forgiven mgself within certain aspects of entertainemnt I realize the balance I have tried to draw out for myself, is the balance as giving into myself just a little as some writing and some work towards myself, and giving into my mind just a little as self satisfaction when I watch a funny video or mess around on Reddit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into my mind as giving my mind the balance it needs as giving it that little bit it needs to be satisfied and entertained when I watch entertainment or lounge about not doing anything in particular.

I tried to compromise with how I spend my time away from work between entertainemnt and writing and investigating myself, but as I move myself closer to where I'd like to be as devotion to myself as my life as self forgiveness as totally applying myself in all ways, I panic, this is my oppritunity to make a stand which I will not be able to deny, or to give in.

So... I will give in... I will give up on myself in each moment I waste my time consiencely knowing how I could more efficiently spend my time.

Because there is no agreement between me and my mind, there is no compromise.

Should I give in, which I am sure I will, as i am not willing to commit myself to never watch entertainment video/game/movie.

I will give in, but from here I move myself to the best of my abilities to support myself in these moments.

As I commit myself to breathe in each moment I chose to watch anything as entertainment movies/vidoes/games/ and even lounging around not providing myself the direction I need in my free time, and as I breathe I commit myself to see, face, and realize the consequence of giving into my mind of entertainemnt when I am aware of how to better apply myself, and when and as i face these realisations of what I am participating in as my time as the consequence of wasting time, I commit myself to stop, breathe, and direct myself as acting on the realization of how I can better spend my free time, and the Consequence's of wasting my time as giving into myind of let me just watch one more video, or play this game for just a few more minutes.

I fear facing myself as totally commiting myself to stop my participation

But I also fear giving into the entertainment desire and then facing the consequence of wasting my time, and affecting other aspects of my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the idea of not participating in entertainment videos/movies/games with the feeling of losing a friend.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expiernece loss within reaction to the idea of totally re-focusing my time and participation.

I wish I wasn't in this situation, because I enjoy games and funny videos so much, but the amount that I work does not lend me any time to do anything other than tending to my writing and whatever other productive actities I include within my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hesistate as wishing I was not faced with this point.

I commit myself to rise to the occasion, as not being distracted with wishful thinking, as I commit myself to not participate in any entertainment when on my own free time, as only directing myself to write and investigate and share myself as mine and others process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect to fall within this point, and within this not giving me an oppritunity to see in self honesty if I can rise.

Yet, if I were to fall within this point, as I must support myself within it, as I have already seen what is required of me in self honesty and have committed myself to it,

I must prepare myself now. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the withdrawal I am predicting,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be sad that I will be living without the joy of seeing certain characters I enjoy or admire.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to garner these attachments to certain people and characters I enjoy watching, and within this not considering what I am really allowing within this relationship, as all I know is that the relationship is important to me.

I commit myself to within moments of withdrawal from entertainment that I question my relationship to entertainment and why it had become something so energetically charged and why it is so hard to let go within myself.

I also make note of certain exceptions, as when I am with someone else whom I might participate in entertainment as part of forming a relationship with someone, or if I am for example at work they play music so I might listen to music at that time.

But, as long as where I stand is clear within myself, In have no excuses.

Also for very specefic investigation purposes where I am being specefic and direct within a choice to investigate a certain point within myself utilizing entertainment as a resource.

There is one final thing.

Before I blazinly commit myself to more than I can chew, I ask, what am I afraid of?

I'm afraid I'll fall in all ways giving up on this point completely,

I'm afraid I'll lose all self respect if another was to see how loosely I devote myself without any real conviction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to include anyone else's perception of me as part of my decision to give onto myself the oppritunity of life, as I realize these perceptions of others are me reflecting myself through the eyes of others so I may not face my own judgement.

As I realize I am acting on the hope that I can understand what I am trying to do, instead of giving myself everything I need to be successful in self honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear I will play the fool, in portraying myself as someone capable of greatness, but never proving it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my past as judgement of myself as being foolish and lacking an real comprehension of my words in the past, to influence me now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the bagage I have created stand before what I would like to give to myself, as what I want for myself and all as life.

I commit myself to realize I am alone with my choice's, and I alone must stand for the consequences.

Day 39- What do I Want?

I recently was talking to a friend whom is utilizing self forgiveness to support himself in regards to certain points he is struggling with in his life.

What I saw, was him taking self responsibility, doing what he needed to do to support himself in relationship to certain points that were damaging his life.

His goal was not outside of himself, his goal was to take his problems back to himself in self forgiveness, and in this way he had become more stable and supportive within his relationships.

He had no agenda, no plans to create a better world outside of himself, yet that is what he accomplished within himself, and it has shown through to the whole world.

It's all here, the world is within me, and so I might become consumed with fire, the fire to transform myself as one and equal to my world.

I thought of how the point is to take on my own world, myself, as one and equal.

I wondered how do you go about that?

I think you just decide.

I think you just take points back to yourself one at a time, as above so below, there's no ultimate point.

All points as equal, so I ask myself, what do I want? I can give to myself anything, as any point I'd like to change for myself in self honesty. And within this, couldn't I take a step back for a moment, and ask myself what I want within self honesty.

I want to be the change I'd like to see in the world, I'd like to be of this world. I'd like it if I gave myself as one as to all the gift of life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize there is only me, as I realize I am equal and one as one individual equal to all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am responsible for the suffering of other's, as I realize I must first stand as stopping the suffering within myself before I can support another within myself as the same point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the means of which life has been governed and controlled, as I realize I must stand as forgiving and re-directing the very ways of which I have governed and controlled myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my life rule by spirituality, and the belief that everything happens for a reason, instead of realizing within myself how this belief has been given to reality from within myself, as I commit myself to discover the actual mechanics of reality, and how what I perpetuate within myself becomes my creation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the world will always be in war with itself, instead of realizing myself as a stable being not participating in violence or aggression within or without myself in any way, and within that becoming the rock for myself of which I can carve out the message of peace as equality and self forgiveness, where life can be given honor.

Yet, in self honesty, could I not try to be a little more radical, a little more selfish, as I realize this outline of one and equal, as above so below, lends itself to all points equal, one at a time.

As I realize, selfish is to take life away, as a mind, as a system.

And so I commit myself to stand as life, as equality and integrity, as stopping all systems of inequality within myself as my mind, and I realize anything I give to myself as me supporting myself as life, is a gift to myself as a gift to life.

I want to sing.

I like to sing.

Yet I struggle to give myself that gift.

I have given away my voice as I have any other point to separation.

I was singing with my friend the other day, and what I saw was as above so below, how my mind had infiltrated my very voice.

Where just as reflected in my life as my day-to-day, I can see what I'd like to accomplish, but am not willing the face the path in self honesty, so seek out to circumvent, and within this never arrive where I meant to, because I did not follow the path, just as when I had left Desteni for 2 years in an attempt to short-cut my process, yet within this I realize the path is process, so to circumvent is to arrive no where.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear singing as an expression of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sing as a reflection of my mind, as the desire to 'be more'.

More than myself, and what I find, is that I am then forced to face this point within myself, within others.

Am I more than you?

Am I more than life?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as desiring to be more than I am as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be more as ego, as power both given and taken.

I realize this power of 'ego', is the competition of hate, as who can sell their lives to a greater degree of vanity, who can sell their soul as life to a greater greed or sin, who can despise life so much that they would see life end, who is so possessed by their mind of separation that they would launch the nuke, the 'nu-ke'.

The 'new-key' to life, has become total obliteration.

The key to life was here without time, but the new key, is a little red button on a panel which decides whether life should exist for another moment or not, or if one should be so possessed that he might hit the red button releasing the nuke as the most powerful weapon against life.

A new age of spirituality, and a new key to total destruction.

As above so below.

I commit myself to sing, to express, to forgive myself, to drive my life they way I'd like all life to be driving, while I am still here, as I realize there is no such thing as time, as time is what I give to myself.

And so I thank the nuke, as the 'new key' to life

I thank that there is a button that can be pressed, that can destroy all life on earth, if not lead to total chaos and collapse, so I might realize for myself time is given, and use the red button as a reference point, as I realize time is given to one and all equally, and someone with power of ego, might just decide the time for life is up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give away my power of life out of fear of time, as I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will run out of time to abuse life.

I commit myself to walk time, as real time, as a gift in each moment, as a gift to all that cannot be taken away as the real key.

Day 38 - Mathematics of process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to replace actual stopping a of a point within my mind, as writing self forgiveness, and then committing myself to breathe through the different points and experiences as directly acting as breathe as my participation instead of allowing my mind to run wild as I do not direct myself within breathe.

Self forgiveness, self commitment, breathing, is the basic formula for deconstructing any point within the mind.

What I have found occurring is that I see myself stopping points within myself as my mind, and then after I have stopped a point from occurring in my mind I then breathe.

What I can see occurring in this example and other's is how I try to suppress my mind first, try to get a grip on my mind first, and then breathe...

Breath is the point, breathe is how I stop participation, breathe, and direct myself within breathe to change myself into that which I'd like to see in my world.

I try to stop points within my mind from within my mind as a form of control, where I act on fear of letting an expierence occur as it is programmed before I direct myslef as breathing.

How can I apply my mind in my life is something to investigate.

To open up a point within myself as showing me my mind's participation, to give into my mind as allowing myself to see my mind's length and fortitude for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create ideas of what my process is and reflects of me within my mind instead of taking self responsibility as me being the one directing mg process for myself as life and not for my mind.

I commit myself to continue to investiagte the formula of applying myself within my process.

Day 37 - 'Everything's Fine'

"I'm fine"

Everything is fine.

I'm just fine. 

So, I look at the expression of; 'I can't really think of any particular point that I feel is pressing, and needing attention, because I feel just fine.'

'Everything is going my way', 'I'm doing well', 'I'm ok', 'everything is fine'. 

What this tells me, is that something is very, very wrong within me. 

This aggressive complacency. 

The bar I have set has been reached, and now I'm just fine. 

I suspected something was up!~

There is a point within me that I realize will be supportive to investigate and uncover, and I within my mind could not quite place it whatsoever, so I reacted as saying within myself, 'forget it', 'I'm fine', 'why bother'. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'give up' on the point within myself I realize requires my most immediate and specific address within self forgiveness. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to not being able to reach this point within my mind with giving up, within the idea that I am ok even if I let this point slip by. 

As, I have money, and I give that the ultimate power, so why investigate something within myself that is not related to money, and does not seem significant. 

There's something that I need to get to the bottom of...

Yet, I have any infinite number of things I could write out for myself.

Why have I placed so much value on this point that I cannot quite pin down, and why did I become so defensive in attempting to distract myself within 'giving up' on the point in my mind. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear this expression within myself of, 'something is not quite right'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a polarity of good and bad when I respond to the feeling of 'somethings is not quite right within me', with the point of 'everything is fine'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be complacent within waiting for this point to reveal itself, and within this giving my power to realize the point as myself within action as speaking, writing, investigating. 

I still don't see it, was it real? 

It wasn't 'real' it was feeling within myself of something's not quite right, there is a point I'd like to address within my writing, but I cannot quite pin it down. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give a fleeting expression total power over me, where I experience the point of 'There's something I'd like to address within my writing, but I can't quite pin it down'

Within this I realize, I'm not asking myself what I'd like to address within my world as my writing, I thoroughly believe it is outside of myself. 

I believe the point I must address in my writing must be revealed to me by my mind, and in this I am allowing myself to be complacent and my mind to tell me what the point is. 

Why would my mind tell me? 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my mind the power of revealing to me what is the most supportive and valuable point to address for myself in my life at any given moment. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself to give to myself the most specific, valuable, supportive point to work on at any given moment that writing and self forgiveness is available to me. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my mind to speak as me, when I tell it to 'tell me what this point is'

As though my mind is god, and I must pray that it tells me what I need to work on within myself. 

I stop, breathe, and direct myself in this moment to tell myself what the most supportive and specifically pertaining to my current situation is within a point of my mind I need to address. 

I don't see within myself what I could be referring to.

Apparently through creative, constructive, self forgiveness, I have come to the conclusion this ultimate point to write about, is just a mental construct. 

So, in this moment, what do I want? 

I want to do 'more', I want to 'give more', I don't want to be complacent, I want to further the progress of Desteni within myself and others, as giving to myself and others as one and equal, the tools of self forgiveness. Because the purpose I am curating and have given to myself, is to forgive myself to the utmost potential I can, and then reasserting myself as what is best for myself as all of life equally. 

Ok, so I could write more self forgiveness then, but 'I'm fine', I don't want to do that. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself, as giving up on the purpose I have given to myself to deconstruct my life, and reassert myself as what is best for all of life. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold 'being fine' as a contradictory purpose in my life.

Where my purpose is to reach the point of, 'I'm fine'.

I'm fine, when all of life on earth is regarded with honor and integrity, and true peace on earth is constructed. 

So, I'm fine within my system of limitation, I'm fine with other human beings suffering, I'm fine with hell on earth. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tolerate the system of earth as it stands by expressing myself as my mind of 'being fine'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not push myself harder, further, and longer because I don't want to truly commit myself to creating heaven on earth. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to utilize my will as a weapon against myself, where I can apply my will to whatever I chose in my mind, instead of realizing my will as having only power over me, when I do not always direct it towards what is best, as always finding a way to direct myself as what is best for all of life. 

So, I keep writing then. 

I keep going, 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear, not slowing down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I really commit myself to do what I realize is best as truly pushing myself to write, and investigate, and be involved with Desteni, as my self commitment of purpose entails, that there will be no turning back. 

There will be no more breaks from Desteni.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use turning back, as the same expression as giving up, where turning back means I could always turn back around once more, but giving up, means I am giving up for good. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate words, as giving me many different options to express the same point of giving up on myself.

Where within words I am able to construct infinite means of me giving up on myself, all resembling the different expressions of giving up, as complacency, tiredness, not caring, not understanding, not comprehending, feeling as though something's not quite right. 

Here, I am able to deconstruct even the most fleeting of expressions, and realize just the power it holds over me, as I realize my mind participation truly is reflecting everything that I participate in, and truly controls who I am in every way. 

I commit myself to never stand for being 'just fine'

I commit myself to always find a way to myself, through breathing and self forgiveness until the world has reached equality as equal money, where all life is honored and respected one and equal, as I realize until then, I can never stand for being 'just fine'.

Day 36 - Self Trust

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and try to figure everything out within my mind even when it has only proven unstable as giving me temporary fixes that do not actually have anything to do with real change.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself as life to know what 'to do'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as needing a voice in my head to direct me in all facets of my life, instead of realizing myself here, as able to make the best decision for all as one with myself, always. 

What self trust do I have left?

Can I grow and expand within self trust?

What happens when I as life, am left out in the cold, left to my own devices? 

What am I worth? What can I accomplish without my mind constantly nagging me, as me nagging myself within and as my mind. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to nag myself within my mind, where I constantly require myself to remember what I am going to do later on.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I can handle, taking on one task at a time, and realizing what must be done as what is best for myself when and as the time arise. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to push myself within my mind, as the push to recall, and remember, and be constantly reminded of what is needed and required of me, instead of trusting myself to see, understand, and act. 

See, understand, act.

It reminds me a lot of, stop, breathe, and realize.

I can stop, breathe, and direct myself when I come into contact with my mind of separation. 

Yet I can also, see, understand, and act, when faced with what is physically here. 

I see that I need to pay my car insurance so I do not get in trouble if pulled over driving without insurance, I understand I do not want to face these consequences in my life, and I act as the real physical action of paying the allotted amount. 

I see that I need to get up for work, I understand the importance of stabilizing myself within the system, as a stable income, and I act as setting my alarm to assist myself in the waking up process, getting up, getting ready, and driving to work. 

I see that I need to do well at work, to assert myself as an asset, to do what is required, to maintain my position within my job, and potentially rise up the ladder if possible, I understand that having a job is not enough to financially support myself within the system, I must also secure said job by doing what is required of me, and I act as working harder, listening, and pushing the bar I have drawn within myself. 

I can trust myself. 

yet, realizing this for and as myself, is great, but what have I been missing all this time? 

I remember in elementary school, I trusted the teacher, 

I trusted the teacher to know what is best for me. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust anyone else as knowing what is best for me as myself as life. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ever stand for any less than me trusting myself as being the only being able to give to myself what is best for myself. 

I am the only me, I am the only one existing currently in every single moment of my body and mind that has occurred. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust my mind over my self. 

I trust my mind, because my mind will guarantee I survive as a system. 

I don't trust myself, because trusting myself is a risk, a risk I might live as life without any systems. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear living as life without systems of control as mind. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear I will not know what to do if I am not existing as a system. 

I remember the times in my life where I did drugs. I trusted the people giving me the drugs, I placed my entire life in the trust that another would not give me something laced, infected, or something I might be allergic to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place trust in others when it means I might get what I want as a feel good experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to align my trust based on the chance I might get what I want in self interest based on trusting others to give me what I want.

I commit myself to leave no lose ends within trust, where trust is always me taking the point of trust back to myself as self trust.

I commit myself to always understand the point of trusting someone else is trusting what I see within someone else within myself, where I would always understand I must do all I can within myself before I can give any part of me to someone else. Ex. If I brake my legs and need someone else to carry me, I trust another within myself as being the only one who can support me to bring me to safety in that moment, as I trust myself to realize I have no other option since I am
incapacitated.

Day 35- Quitting Drugs Permanetely

You hear almost exclusively about how marijuana is this natural, persecuted, wonderful drug.

How you don't want to do anything 'bad' on it, and you just want to relax and eat.

How the man is trying to keep you down by persecuting it.

No one should be persecuted for smoking marijuana, or for doing any drugs, and what good a drug is to you is up to the individual to realize.

But, I have a very different relationship to marijuana then most people I hear from.

I tortured myself by smoking marijuana.

I experienced excessive, as I was thinking to describe it a moment ago, I do not even have the words within me to effectively portray the level's of dementia and morbid experiences in relationship to everything I would experience on marijuana.

My experiences on marijuana would be Guantnamo bay CIA torture level of psychosis and mental disturbance.

Why would anyone do that to themselves?

Because when I first started doing it, it was the best high I have ever experienced.

A few good feeling highs followed by years of trying to chase that feeling back down to absolutely no avail.

I have not really ever written this point out to such a degree, because I never thought I was 'addicted', and I still don't know that I ever was, but I do know I smoked marijuana for years, because I was desperate to get back to the good high, and just kept trying different things in my mind, and trying it with different people in different environments, but nothing ever came close.

You could say it doesn't matter because only my mind 'suffered', as my experience of suffering was not pain, just some physical discomfort, along with sever mental distress, but the physical did suffer, I lost a lot of self trust.

I would feel such paranoia that it would influence my actions to the point of reacting to hallucinations, experiencing myself as if me 'high' was who I was, dangerous level's of paranoia where I did not know how I might have reacted if pushed any further.

My excess amount of backchat is something I can surely trace back to my time on pot as well, where I would have stupendous amounts of other-worldly levels of backchat/paranoid thoughts/thinking, and it did not even play into the equation of to stop my participation with weed or not.

Yet, for all these bad experiences, there was a sense of 'strength', where using massive amounts of will power I could function normally despite mentally being a total fruit cake, there is this sense of dominance and pride of, 'I'm going back into the pit', of 'I'm going to face the monster again', because this time I might win, I might beat out the bad, and get back to the good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to smoke marijuana because the people who I admired at the time did so.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that when one of the major points of why I looked up to certain people was because they did drugs, and I thought drugs themselves were a cool point to 'get into', was not a very good starting point for being in a relationship with these people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge 'these people' when really my judgement was placed on marijuana and what I saw it as doing to people, and what I initially saw it doing to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my friends for inciting my desires to continue smoking pot, when it really was always my desire to 'keep fighting' for that good high.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have token better precautions as realizing that I do not have the proper guidance and safety requirements needed to know how my mind and body would be affected by marijuana, and could not even guarantee that it was not laced with something, which I have heard about happening.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my desire to return to that 'high' influence any number of decisions I would make to do drugs and different experiences just to try to get that good high again.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that any drug I get that is not from a doctor has no guarantee of what it is actually composed of, and that within this 'safety' is not even part of the equation unless it was pertaining to something known in common place as being very dangerous no matter the precaution.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let these hard/soft drugs into my life, when I did not, and still do not particularly care for the experience on these drugs, and really only ever cared about the glamour of 'doing drugs', and those few first time highs, which could never be sustained.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider how the damage I was doing to myself within damaging my self trust, was just as much a threat to me here as life, as doing something with a known physical harm, where from how I see it, hitting myself over the head with a rock would probably have been a healthier safer alternative to something even such as marijuana.

This is not a full diagnostic of my relationship to drugs/alcohol, so why would I already be prepared to commit myself to stopping any participation with all drugs that are not doctor prescribed/ nicotine/caffeine?

One, because I do not have any particular outstanding relationship to any drugs now or ever, so it's a good time to make sure that does not ever happen.

two, because it can effect my financial security as risking my jobs, and as throwing away my money on a 'high' to be accompanied with a 'low'

three, all of the drugs I am referring to except for a few, and for alcohol are illegal, and it is not worth getting arrested for.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, and direct myself when and as I would ever think or desire to do any drug that is not prescription/over the counter.

I have nothing to tell anyone else who is currently doing any kind of drug, except for, to decide for yourself where you stand within your relationship to all things within and without including drugs.

I commit myself to never again do any drug that is not assigned to me directly by a doctor, available
over the counter, or cigarettes, (cigarette's have a pending relationship at the moment however.)

Day 34- Perfection

Have I ever 'been' perfect? Have I ever had a day where I was 'perfect'? Have I ever had even a moment where I was 'perfect'?

I might have had moments where I saw everything occurring within and without me just the way I'd like it to, but when has perfection ever been something I can actually achieve?

I have expressed perfection within me as something that I can work towards, but I have never actually reached perfection.

How does existing within the desire to be perfect prevent me from living life?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect perfection, without actually seeing and understanding what it is required of me to act out or exist within perfection.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire perfection within myself as an idea of the way I'd like myself to be, and within this not allowing myself to face what I'm really existing as.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always believe that perfection will come in time, as if it will come to me, as noticing I have waited for it's arrival.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I can exist perfectly within a moment as being here completely within my breathe, and within the current task at hand in my actions, as directing myself to the fullest extent I can.

Perfection should be defined as my best, as the best I possibly can achieve in any given moment based on what is available to me.

Instead perfection exist within me, as an idea, as a alternate reality that I work towards, but can never actually achieve.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define perfection as something impossible to achieve, and yet still expect that I will one day reach it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the point of neglect, where I neglect facing what I can do in a moment, and what I can realize for myself is the best I can do as perfection, and allow myself to always be unable to attain perfection within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to neglect what is here, and what is within my reach as 'perfection' as doing my best in any given situation.

When I look for perfection to occur within me, I could instead direct myself to realize what my best is for myself, and work towards it, as realizing perfection, and directing myself to actually achieve it.

Perfection can be a way to cross reference within myself where I can do better for myself.

Perfection as an impossible goal or desire, prevents me from understanding what I am doing when I work towards it, as I expect the path to be unveiled for me, instead of realizing it for myself, as working towards something I know and understand how to achieve.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place burden on me within my life, where I try to achieve what I do not understand or am able to practically achieve.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated when I cannot reach perfection within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry when I can not reach perfection within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become disorientated when I cannot achieve perfection within myself, and within this I realize that I define who I as working towards perfection in such a way that when I perceive perfection as out of reach, I do not understand what to be doing with myself in that moment, and react with an upset feeling in my stomach.

When and as I react to not being able to achieve perfection within myself with 'giving up' on my trying my best, I stop obsessing over my idea of perfection, I breathe as stabilizing myself, and I direct myself in that moment as realizing that I am here, and I am competent and capable of working within the system I exist within and as, and do not need to achieve perfection in each moment, as I realize perfection as a guideline, and not something that is required of me in every second.

I commit myself to re-define perfection as a word, as how I live that word, into perfection as my best, in each moment as I realize it for myself in self honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not reaching perfection.

When I cannot 'reach' perfection, I commit myself to either change what I have defined as perfection within that moment, or allow myself to let go of perfection for that moment, so I can re-stabilize myself within the current moment, as understanding that perfection is only required within the mind, and is only a use to me as a guideline, and a reference point, not as something that possess me to exist in a way that is volatile or absurd given the actual situation I am facing, when I face it from a point of expecting perfection, instead of doing my best.

Day 33- Getting Worked up at Work

When I'm at work, I find myself going into a state of 'I need to just get done with this', an emotional state of aniexty.

In the moment of being at work, where I cannot write, cannot have any comforts I am used to, it is the most vital of times to give to myself the courage of facing myself, and doing what need to be done.

This anxiety is coming from the idea of, 'I can't handle this', so I let my anxiety take over.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to respond the the idea of I cannot do it, with anxiety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power of what I can and cannot do to my mind as anxiety, where I fear facing my true potential.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exsist within my mind as the expression of giving up out of a response to an emotional despressation to be where I feel safe such as my home, or my bed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give power over who I am and what I am capable of to the idea of my comfort zone being in bed, where I always wish I could have slept more, wish I could have spent more time in bed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the polairty where I want to improve and do better within supporting myself at work, but don't want to do what it takes to support me as getting up out of bed, and thus always wishing I had just stayed in bed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel tiresd at work and then desiring to get done with work to go back to bed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take these moments to realize the comfort I have in bed as the comfort here as myself which I can give to myself in each breathe.

I commit myself to support myself within my comfort and stability as giving to myself the comfort of being in bed in each breathe, as realizing I can do what I need to do in the world and do not have to suffer from exhaustion and desire to just be done so I can go back to bed.

I commit myself to no longer take naps as hitting snooze on my alarm clock, as I realize how I define my entire day from wake to sleep within that simple moment of I can't wake up yet, I give up.

I can't do this work, I give up, I can't deal with what I have created, I give up.

When and as I see myself reacting to all the reasons I'd like to sleep in just a little longer each mourning, I stop, breathe, and direct myself as realizing that in commiting mgself to wake up and face the day, that is what I give to myself in each breathe for the rest of the day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my life will get worse, if I were to snooze in after writing out why I should not and how I have already committed myself to do so.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to commit myself to not snooze in when I wake up without having properly written the point out within self trust, where I have put my self in a position of not snoozing in out of fear of the consequence instead of because I realize it is best for me and for the rest of my day to not snooze in.

I realize that I am showing myself the out flow consequence I have already been facing as having nisrables days at work where I feel I'd have more satisfaction in dying then and there then having to walk my life for another instant.

So I realize, this fear of consequence is something to face and walk out, yet it is better to know for myself, and make a choice for myself, then to not understand the mechanics of how I set up the rest of my day for failure when I snooze in, as the action of surrender, and then must force myself to function during the rest of my day, sometimes in extreme internal discomfort or pain.

Returning to when I am actually facing the Consequence's of emotional reactions as being Worked up at Work.

I stress out over needing to do specefic tasks, that become an emotional point of despair, as, 'I can't do this task'.

Yet I still do it, within resentment for how difficult I have made the task.

It's not the work itself that takes over my expiernece, it's my emotional reactions, as my emotional relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to repress my anxiety occurring while at work with resentment, as facing the tasks that give me anxiety as a punishment as not facing the anxiety but instead, layering over it with more emotional distress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to work while within the expression of, 'just get it done, so this emotional pain will stop', as acting from a point of mind as desperation to be elevated by an external idea of being 'done with work fordone'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself in a position of struggling to just be done instead of allowing myself to just be 'done' with the emotional turmoil as breathing and focusing on the tasks at hand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate the situation that I myself have placed myself in as getting worked up, while at work.

When and as I see myself becoming anxious within the desire to just be done with work for the day and to get out, I stop, breathe, and direct myself here as realizing I do not need to fight within myself as this turmoil of feeling trapped at work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel trapped at work.

I realize that to support myself I must be able to stabilize myself within a means of income and I realize that this time at work, can be time I take for myself to just relax, do what is needed, and enjoy myself as exsisting within the expression of self reposnability, as both during the work, internally, and externally to support myself as life as all of life.

I commit myself to adding another element at play while at work, where within each breathe at work, and in every moment eve n outside work, I commit myself to give myself as much comfort and stability as I possibly can, as I learn to cross reference with what is here, and realize in self honesty what my comfort zone is, as life, or if life even requires a comfort zone.

Day 32- 'Stealing' Self Forgiveness

When I say 'Stealing', I do not mean plagiarizing another's writing of self forgiveness.

If I were to want to incorporate someone else's word's or witting, than I'd just "quote" them.

I am referring to an experience I had, where I was reading another person's writing, and I as I was reading their self forgiveness I thought, why not read it out-loud and actually use it/apply it just as if it were my own.

Then I had a doubt within me, of, 'but I didn't write this', 'this isn't mine to use that way'.

So, first, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take trying to better apply myself within my relationship to my own and other's self forgiveness as utilizing another's writing, and respond with such excessive fear, as the fear that I'm stealing, as doing something wrong.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'shut down' my operation of reading someone else's self forgiveness out loud as my own, before I could even realize for myself if it was something practical and useful for my process.

I do not know if I can read someone else's writing as me expressing myself equal to the understanding and relating to another's experiences and expression of self forgiveness as my own, as if it were no different than me having writing it myself, as I take it onto myself as relating all the points within my own self and my own process.

One possibility is that, it might not be practical or efficient to do this, and it might be better to read someone else's self forgiveness out-loud but not to the same affect of reading and writing my own, but still I would gain insight and relate to what they have said.

This being a foreign concept to me, that I do not have seen discussed much, and had experienced in myself to this degree before, I was interested in experiencing with this point, yet I stopped myself, out of a reaction of fear, of judgement, of being wrong, and bad, and not acceptable before I could even in self honesty make a decision one way or another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to automatically shut myself down when exploring a new concept within the realm of my process out fear of being outlandish and selfish for trying to steal from another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to slam down on myself out of fear of compromising my process while exploring a new concept within my process, and within this become the very deliberate malignant compromise that I was trying to avoid.

I feared I would be compromising myself if I spoke someone else's self forgiveness as taking it back to myself and speaking it just as I would if I had written it out for myself. I feared I would compromise myself, so what did I do within my fear? I compromised myself to not explore this new concept. I feared this new concept would compromise me, so I compromised myself before it could.

It's like this control, I'd rather compromise myself than be compromised through the exploration of new concepts within my process.

It blatantly makes no sense, except when I realize I'm walking a compromised process, where I see things needing to be a certain set way, and you just do things the way you're suppose to, and then you get to heaven as stopping your mind, and just being here and doing what is best for life, plain and simple...

I feared 'sinning', as sinning, as not following the instructions to the religion I have created as Desteni, where I fear I will not be saved and go to heaven on earth if I do not follow the instructions properly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to replace common sense and investigation within self honesty and self forgiveness, with rules and guidelines meant to make sure I follow the 'right path'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to replace common sense and self investigation with a system of right and wrong, where I do not have to think and apply myself in self honesty, I just follow the charter within my mind, and wait to be saved.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I must save myself, as within self honesty realizing there is no definitive right or wrong within Desteni, within my own process, because I must come to realize for and as myself when, where, and how to apply myself within each moment.

A good point, in realizing, no matter what happens, or what is occurring within me, I'm left to my own devices, and what strength and support I have, is what I give and allow for and as myself as life.

Yes the process I'm walking is very structured, but that is the structure I give to myself, as I have the format, and tools, I have seen and proven within my own life to have the effects needed to change myself into a being who can do what is best in each breathe for all of life.

So, I'm feeling more confident about speaking out about this point, and gaining other's thoughts and perspectives, as well as investigating for myself, but first there is a relevant memory I'd like to bring up.

I have a memory of considering stealing from some one when I was a kid, and I expiernece if as a difficult memory to open up, but this is the best moment while it is alive in my mind to act regardless of the fear and shame regarding my actions/behavior and digging into my past while it is here for me now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think it was 'cool' to do whatever you want, and not consider repercussions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I would be looked upon from my friend as fearless and powerful If I were to take from another person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to assert my idea of myself as being better than another in being able to take what I want from them without considering the pain and frustration it might cause another if I were to take their things.

Although this was a short phase in my life, of seeing how far I could push myself to do whatever I pleased, and was very young, regardless of how I might think I've 'changed', as I go into this memory I see that I haven't changed, I experience shame and guilt, of this considering stealing because I've simply layered over this action with more suppression and fear that must have been why I'd consider acting this way in the first place.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed that I had not considered how I would be affecting someone else's life if I had actually acted on this impulse to burglarize another person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty that I used to harbor this desire to take from other's as a form of strength over them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to shield myself from really opening up this point with suppression as emotion, where if I really look at what was occurring with me at the time, it was, Veni, vidi, vici; "I came; I saw; I conquered"

In this moment of forgiving myself for super imposing how I think I should have felt as my new ethical moral idea of myself, I allow myself to see pride! 

I felt these emotions in relationship to this memory long after the fact, in the moment I was doing what I pleased, Veni, Vidi, Vici. 

I had no guilt, no shame, in that moment,

I have been living out this construct of 'do as I please', when I thought I could carve my own path without writing self forgiveness and self commitment, and just breathing myself to freedom without self honesty. 

I thought I could conquer myself, just as I thought I could conquer this other person when I was a kid and thought of stealing from them, because they were a dork, and a low life, and I was 'cool'.

They were what I did not want to face within how I saw myself, and I saw how I could assert what I admired and acknowledged as being 'cool', as thievery and villainy. 

This is my opportunity to really openly go into depth with the level's of deranged I have become within my mind. 

Where I thought to not share a certain element of this memory, but it's here now, and this is my chance to openly, publicly address this memory in self forgiveness to it's full extent. 

I had climbed this person's fence and jumped onto their balcony, and considered opening their window and taking things from their room. I was 13, and I admired people who stole, and did drugs, and did what they wanted. 

And in just a moment, I could have possessed the rest of my life to this life of crime, a life of dread, and pain, and hate. 

And although I never acted on this impulse, and never let me ego take me that far ever again, that resonance, that being on the brink of 'evil' is still within me as my mind. 

How did I lose sight of what mattered in life, and act souly on ego through my judgement, perception, and actions?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as though I was awkward and dorky when i was younger. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to reassert myself as what I admired as being cool and confident as being a 'crook' and a 'punk', instead of just facing in self honesty these views I held over myself, and believed is what I was and was perceived as. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be what I viewed was as cool, comfortable, and confident within the expression of being a 'ruthless punk', where I only saw what I desired to be within myself, and did not consider the outflow's and repercussions of such behavior and life style. 

Going back even further in time, there was a particular 'punk' who I had a rough relationship with, I admired him as being 'cool', and 'handsome' as attractive to the ladies, and confident as doing radical things without any regret or remorse. 

I admired this person because I felt outcasted and alone, but I saw him as an outcast who really knew how to wear it. 

In a way, I wanted to be him, to wear my difference as who I was, and so I befriended him, only to find that there was much more to him than what I had seen and admired on the outside. 

He was mean, and hard to get along with, and yet funny, charming, and had a big heart when it really came to it. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create these elaborate mental relationships to who I was and who other people were. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to permit the school yard 'click' possession as looking for what I clicked with, and pursuing it, so I did not have to face how I really felt within my world. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let this idea of who I was permit within me to the point where I would have broken into someone's home and invaded their room taking their things, just so I could push myself further away from the part of me I did not want to see within the person I was considering stealing and burglarizing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am a bad person for taking my identity as ego to such a degree that I would violently invade another's home and room and property just to enforce them as not being me, as I saw this person as a dork who I a punk could take advantage of.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see this event as an unfortunate phase I went through in my youth, when it clearly is such a major junction of creating who I was within my mind that suppressing it as guilt and resentment can only make de-coding and un-layering it even more difficult than it already was facing it here and now. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view opening up difficult or bad points in my life as being unsettling and unnerving, where I find myself unwilling to face the point to it's fullest extent, and have to force myself to 'look at it in the eyes', when it does not have to be difficult, unsettling or unnerving, I only allow this experience as guilt and shame and regret. 

I realize admitting to this occurrence, as the feeling of admitting to a crime or a sin in a confessional is not self honesty within itself. 

It is self honesty to open up the point regardless of the pain and ridicule, and then to actually face it in self honesty. 

I see how my past is being held to this very day, when I see something as being representative of 'stealing', and I have this horrifying reaction to it... I can see how I have created this reaction, I have created this suffering life of believing I have sinned and am bad, and trying to avoid ever again seeing the truth of my creation. 

When and as I see myself reacting to the memory of climbing onto this person's balcony and considering taking their things as breaking into their room and collecting their property with guilt, I stop, breathe, and direct myself as I realize this memory of past self, is still me, and I cannot protect myself from what I have created within a moral obligation to feel guilty as repentance. 

When and as I see myself reacting to the memory of climbing onto this person's balcony and considering taking their things as breaking into their room and collecting their property with shame, I stop, breathe, and correct myself here as life, as I realize, the system I have created was created by me, and shame will only allow me to avoid facing it for so long, before I am left with the truth once I no longer can maintain the expression of shame. 

My process, clearly can bring me to the place I need to be, to face the self honesty that is needed, to face myself for myself, I commit myself to be patient within the expierence of my process, as I realize the law of attraction playing out, and seeing how I am able to direct it in a way that is best for all of life as self forgiveness. 

Opening up this point of Stealing self forgiveness has given me an opportunity to face something in my life that I otherwise would certainly have layed on my grave, but instead I can move forward, and continue to dig toward the heart of life, instead of living in the separate reality of regret. 

Day 31 - Forcing Breathe as an Idea of Breathe

Whenever I talk to someone else about breathing in self awareness, or writing about it for myself, I always bring up how "you're always breathing", "I'm always breathing", and I like it because it speaks for itself in why I should be utilizing breathe, why everyone should.

And with me having the knowledge and understanding of breathing as self direction as self awareness as I have been introduced to through Desteni' research, I realize I should always be utilizing my breathe, and I have committed myself to do so.

Yet, I realize I am very often begin to fade away within my attention as self as breathe.

I realize I become Distracted within my mind.

I see things occurring within myself as distraction.

losing track of my pattern or rhythm within breathe, and either having to force myself to reassert myself, or then if I do not I go into a state of suspension.

I see this frustration, of giving up and going into this suspension as, 'I can't figure this breathing out right now', or on the other end of the polarity, 'I need to try harder and focus more on breathe'

So, when I am breathing, and suddenly a thought or something occur within me, or I just generally lose track of my pattern, I'm seeing how I've defined breathing within self awareness as the rigorous critical specifically thing, and I'm taking away that natural point of "I'm always breathing", so what I want to try and create and step closer to here is breathing in self awareness just as easily and naturally a breathe occurs when occurring on it's own without my direction.

I'm always trying to 'mix up' my breathe, how I apply it, how I'm using it to direct myself, and changing my idea of what the experience of me breathing is.

I understand while at work unavailable to write, if I were to lose my self awareness as breathe, it might be within my best interest to see how I could find another way to re-apply myself as breathe.

But, here and now, I have my writing to guide me as me guiding myself within self honesty and self forgiveness and self commitment to give to myself to understanding and realization of how to breathe simply, practically, and within my best interest as all of life as one and equal as self honesty, so that I will not have to go into these states of mind of trying to force myself to reapply as breathe, or just holding myself in suspension until I am in a place more conducive for self introspection such as my writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hunt for the idea of what breathing as self awareness is, where I go into a state of viewing my breathing within self awareness as inadequate, and try to re-apply something else.

I realize that all I can do at this moment, for myself, is to try to always hold some kind of connection within myself as self awareness as breathe, no matter how 'right' or 'wrong' it is in my mind, or how closer or further from whatever solid alignment to self in each moment as breathe might actually be, I must try to always carry something, if wrong or right, just take it back to writing, back to self, and continue without judgement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pass judgement over my application of self awareness as breathe, where I view some things as being better representation's of self awareness as self direction as breathe than other's.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make it impossible to realize myself as self awareness within each breathe, because I have placed an immovable barrier in relationship to breathe as my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make it impossible to realize myself within total self honesty as self direction as breathe in each breathe, because I have enforced the narrative of right and wrong, and good and evil surrounding and in relationship to self awareness as breathe.

This struggle within me is so hard to gain any traction whatsoever outside of writing as self honesty and self forgiveness and self commitment, because I'm not breathing in self honesty, I'm breathing as this system of god, of judgement, of right and wrong.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn my process into that of manipulation, where I must manipulate myself within each breathe to maintain my identity of self awareness and progress within my process as breathe.

If my capacity to breathe within self awareness as directing myself to stop participation within my mind is representative of my process of walking myself out of my mind as life to become that which is best for all life as one and equal in each breathe, then I am trying to twist every last bit of life out of myself before I might ever reach that point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to construct this twisted concept of what breathing within self awareness as self direction is, to the point where I'm twisting up my body, and totally losing track of self in all ways.

If I can support myself to step back into the role I am meant for as life, than I give to myself one commitment to work on here, where I can expand and fall, and just give myself the time needed to walk breathe and process for real.

I commit myself to from this moment, maintain just one thing for and as myself within breathe, as I commit myself to maintain a connection to breathe in each moment, and when and as I am viewing this connection as right or wrong, I realize that this connection to breathe as consistent and constant is in self honesty the best thing I can give to myself as self support in each moment, so I stop, breathe, and direct myself to maintain this connection in each breathe without participating in the judgement of this way of breathing is 'right or wrong'.

Day 30 - Realizing My Mental Participation.

There's always something occurring within my mind. 

What I'm seeing is how so much of what is occurring in my mind is pre-programmed, where even just me thinking, I can try to stop thinking directly, but I will still hear thinking in my head. 

As stepping towards drawing the bridge between all facets of my mind I have created back to myself here, I need to realize how in the moments of experiencing my mind as a separate entity that is out of my reach, that such a box of a definition is exactly why I cannot take all these mental points and stop them as stopping my participation within relationship to them.

I don't realize what my participation is.

Much like how I left my blog about songs in my head open-ended where I realized this point was so much more than just stopping my participation to the song and then breathing and directing myself here, because the song is so deeply entrenched in so much construction over time, that I realized the walking of that point out would require more self honest investigation and self forgiveness. 

For the song in the head example, what I can do, to continue to investigate and pry open the construct, is for one, stopping my relationship to this song in the head, where I react to the song in the head with, 'ohh great this is an annoying song in my head', or with 'ohh yeah I like that song', so in recognizing my current relationship in real time and writing it out, as well as how I went back in time and saw how much emotion and feeling I placed within music, and defined a part of me by it, so the according creation was music being played in my head to manipulate me, as I manipulated myself as creating that mental influence and self definition. 

The mind is not stable as life, as earth, as the physical, it is only holding together as energy, as what I have given up as myself to feed the mind system, my mind is full of strings, of which are all connected, so to forgive myself and correct myself of anything requires only to start pulling the thread to open up all the elements and relationships at play within my participation. 

As I am sitting here, trying to improve life as reconstructing the very words, and very systems I am participating in and creating, as I am going about my day at work trying to do my best and support myself even when I do not have the ability to write myself out as self forgiveness and self commitment, I am left to breathe, and to within breathe direct myself as breathe here, as stopping my mental participation. 

What I need to grasp here is that, regardless of how I have funded and sowed my mind over the period of my entire life, it is in each moment that I allow it to persist. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to stop my mind from within my mind.

I realize as doing so, I'm not getting the the point of self honest self forgiveness where I realize where I am participating, but instead am trying to snuff out my mind without walking the time as self forgiveness and self commitment breathe by breathe. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to stop my mind by force as force within my mind itself. 

I realize I cannot trust my mind to stop itself, as I must take all points back to myself, as myself here is where I abdicated my self responsibility as life as the creation of the mind.

I realize, my mind stopping itself, is a total contradiction to the very nature I have programmed it as, as to Stop... Under no circumstance, as to hold power over the physical. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to complicate my life as my process by trying to circumvent the practical real time self honest application of self forgiveness, self commitment, and breathe. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to stop my mind from within my mind as force, as forced breathe, as forced nature upon self, so that I could pull ahead of my problems and pains.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give to myself the real time needed to walk my struggle, so that I can see the process, share the process, and stand by the process I walked in all ways, for all of time.

That is best for all, that is best for me.

Stopping my mind from within my mind, for over 2 years, was not best for all as equal, so it was not best for me... SO I GAINED NOTHING. 

Yet, in one moment of time, to sit here, and write this for myself, for all, as one as myself, the truth is here for me.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, and correct myself in relationship to all points of mental participation and creation, as breathe, as taking it back to myself here as breathe, not as mind. 

I commit myself to stop, breathe, and correct myself as stopping my participation within my relationship and participation as my mind, when and as I see myself stopping, breathing, and directing myself from and as within my mind,

So when I stop, breathe, and correct, it is representative of what is here, and not of what is in my head, as my secret desire to be done with walking my process, and to be able to enjoy and express myself as life in all ways without walking out everything I've placed in my way as my mind of separation. 

Day 29- Challenging Sleep

Much like what I wrote regarding cigarettes and video games/entertainment, I see that I can make so much more ground within myself in self honestly taking the first step of self forgiveness as opening up a point, and then considering in self honesty what kind of commitment I am prepared to take on, or fall beneath as so I can re-investigate and stand within better self forgiveness and self commitment statements.

With my cigarette and entertainment blogs, I did not judge cigarette's or entertainment as being bad and something I will be punished for, but as something to take back to myself as seeing the influence it has had upon me.

So my current commitment for entertainment is not to demand I stop watching entertaining videos or playing video games, but to stop the desire to do so within breathe, and to realize in that moment of stopping reassert myself as what I might rather do reflecting my better interest as life.

And the fun part is seeing in those moments what decision I will make, it has self forgiveness, relevant commitment for myself, and gives me a moment in the acting out my breathing as stopping as commitment to not refrain from anything but make a decision not based on impulse.

Sleep, tired, exhausted, is a big impulse. Second to cigarette's as an impulse, or playing video games as an impulse.

Could I waste any more of mine, and anyone else's time here by committing myself to stop sleeping? It would not be a very self honest commitment.

I see how in this moment I wish I could commit myself to stop sleeping, because I can imagine all of the work and activities I could accomplish, and would not have to face waking up feeling tired even after a full night's sleep and fighting to get up.

But those things I realize here, are very relevant to my 'tired' relationship to going sleep.

I tried to get some good rest, I tried, but am still tired, I'm tied to being tired, I'd like to retire when I'm tired, and I tried to get some good rest, I wake up and have to re-wire, then all day I'm on fire, if only I had gotten some good sleep.

This a real challenge of self forgiveness and self commitment where I don't see in this moment what could I rationally, practically do to support myself within relationship to sleep.

I see I don't want to risk changing how much I sleep, because I would be risking waking up very, very not good, and then that affecting my whole day at work, making my whole day not good.

Yet, I cannot pin point a clean memory, where I had a really bad day just because I did not get good sleep, I can only consistently remember having rough times waking up, but once I'm up, I'm up, and any number of things is more likely to affect my wellness during the day, than sleep.

I've just dismantled a firm belief that a good night's sleep is required for a healthy, productive day, or at least couldn't find any good evidence backing it up in my personal experience.

What's left is the residual belief based in fear, and of the fear itself.

What I'd like to do here, is to allow me to make the decision to go to bed for and as myself, where if I did hit a breaking point where I really felt like I need to go to bed that's OK, but it's a point to investigate, the fear and impulse to go to sleep.

If I can do one thing here, I commit myself  to investigate in self honesty how much sleep I am required of, so I can then act out the proceeding commitment with better capacity,

I commit myself to challenge how much sleep I need, so I can have more time to do activities/work.

With the idea here being that, regardless of the activity, time spent aware of my world awake is more likely to show me myself here, than I am to see within sleep.

To further support my commitment to being awake and seeing more of what is here, by more specifically managing and adjusting how much sleep I require to function in my day-to-day activities,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go to sleep based on the impulse of feeling tired.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give to myself a self honest dilleberate decision of when to go to bed, based on how much sleep I require in self honesty, and not based on mental influence as separation from what is here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I do not get good sleep I will suffer all day.

There are some things I can bring up that might be a big part of my relationship to sleep.

The dreams I have, and the satisfying feeling of shutting down, being done for the day, nothing to worry about, time to just feel good.

Then the polarity of waking up feeling bad, realizing all my dreams will do nothing to support me for real, regardless of how fantastic and elaborate they always are.

The drain these two polarities and everything else and in-between is why I mentioned being outright willing to commit myself to stop sleeping if I could have done so in self honesty as a practical self commitment,

Yet, it is not self honest, because it would be me trying to avoid facing the sleep polarity,

So instead, I practically challenged my relationship to sleep, and committed myself to start better managing my sleep, and I began opening up the point in self forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing myself as dreams if I were ever to stop sleeping.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify dreams as the heart and purpose of my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will be discontent and dissatisfied with my life without dreams.

I realize now I'm not really satisfied within my dreams, in my dreams I'm in amazement, like, look at all there is to see, wow this is fantastic amazing.

My dreams are more a representation of the amazing system the body is while im asleep and not messing with it as conscienceness, assuming that my good dreams are a result of my mind trying to take advantage of the fantastic state my body must be in for my mind to be able to thrive and steal so much as circulating itself into pictures and expressions as dreams.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, and direct myself when and as I begin to feel 'tired'.

From here I reinforce the commitment to be directive and make sure I am the one deciding to sleep for and as myself not influenced by impulse, as feeling tired.

I am not going to be stopping myself from being tired, but could stop whatever conscience participation I have within relationship to being tired, allowing me to better decide for myself when it is bed time, not based on mind influence, as my mind being tired, where my body remains full as life.