Day 36 - Self Trust

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and try to figure everything out within my mind even when it has only proven unstable as giving me temporary fixes that do not actually have anything to do with real change.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself as life to know what 'to do'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as needing a voice in my head to direct me in all facets of my life, instead of realizing myself here, as able to make the best decision for all as one with myself, always. 

What self trust do I have left?

Can I grow and expand within self trust?

What happens when I as life, am left out in the cold, left to my own devices? 

What am I worth? What can I accomplish without my mind constantly nagging me, as me nagging myself within and as my mind. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to nag myself within my mind, where I constantly require myself to remember what I am going to do later on.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I can handle, taking on one task at a time, and realizing what must be done as what is best for myself when and as the time arise. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to push myself within my mind, as the push to recall, and remember, and be constantly reminded of what is needed and required of me, instead of trusting myself to see, understand, and act. 

See, understand, act.

It reminds me a lot of, stop, breathe, and realize.

I can stop, breathe, and direct myself when I come into contact with my mind of separation. 

Yet I can also, see, understand, and act, when faced with what is physically here. 

I see that I need to pay my car insurance so I do not get in trouble if pulled over driving without insurance, I understand I do not want to face these consequences in my life, and I act as the real physical action of paying the allotted amount. 

I see that I need to get up for work, I understand the importance of stabilizing myself within the system, as a stable income, and I act as setting my alarm to assist myself in the waking up process, getting up, getting ready, and driving to work. 

I see that I need to do well at work, to assert myself as an asset, to do what is required, to maintain my position within my job, and potentially rise up the ladder if possible, I understand that having a job is not enough to financially support myself within the system, I must also secure said job by doing what is required of me, and I act as working harder, listening, and pushing the bar I have drawn within myself. 

I can trust myself. 

yet, realizing this for and as myself, is great, but what have I been missing all this time? 

I remember in elementary school, I trusted the teacher, 

I trusted the teacher to know what is best for me. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust anyone else as knowing what is best for me as myself as life. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ever stand for any less than me trusting myself as being the only being able to give to myself what is best for myself. 

I am the only me, I am the only one existing currently in every single moment of my body and mind that has occurred. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust my mind over my self. 

I trust my mind, because my mind will guarantee I survive as a system. 

I don't trust myself, because trusting myself is a risk, a risk I might live as life without any systems. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear living as life without systems of control as mind. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear I will not know what to do if I am not existing as a system. 

I remember the times in my life where I did drugs. I trusted the people giving me the drugs, I placed my entire life in the trust that another would not give me something laced, infected, or something I might be allergic to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place trust in others when it means I might get what I want as a feel good experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to align my trust based on the chance I might get what I want in self interest based on trusting others to give me what I want.

I commit myself to leave no lose ends within trust, where trust is always me taking the point of trust back to myself as self trust.

I commit myself to always understand the point of trusting someone else is trusting what I see within someone else within myself, where I would always understand I must do all I can within myself before I can give any part of me to someone else. Ex. If I brake my legs and need someone else to carry me, I trust another within myself as being the only one who can support me to bring me to safety in that moment, as I trust myself to realize I have no other option since I am
incapacitated.