When I have days that I am working 11 hours, I get home and I want to write, and work on myself in self forgiveness, yet I find I am also torn between the desire to spend my time on other things and other people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become conflicted within myself when having a limited amount of time before I must sleep to have the energy to get up the next day, and not deciding as commiting myself to do what I need to do within writing and reading, and within this allow myself to exsist in a state of limbo where I allow my desires to relax and not become involved in my world and reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not face myself as time consequence outflows, where I do not make a decision to spend my time investigating and writing out myself, and end up with just what I create, as a state of limbo never having made a definitive decision or taking on the actions required of me.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face in self honesty that when I allow distractions as entertainment and lounging about, I am left with the Consequence's of not utilizing the time that I have outside of work effectively.
As I have written out entertainment for myself, I find myself acting on the realization that I am the one making the choice to give into entertainment as to not judge or feel guilty about this decision.
Yet, now looking at my decisions with more clarity in having forgiven mgself within certain aspects of entertainemnt I realize the balance I have tried to draw out for myself, is the balance as giving into myself just a little as some writing and some work towards myself, and giving into my mind just a little as self satisfaction when I watch a funny video or mess around on Reddit.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into my mind as giving my mind the balance it needs as giving it that little bit it needs to be satisfied and entertained when I watch entertainment or lounge about not doing anything in particular.
I tried to compromise with how I spend my time away from work between entertainemnt and writing and investigating myself, but as I move myself closer to where I'd like to be as devotion to myself as my life as self forgiveness as totally applying myself in all ways, I panic, this is my oppritunity to make a stand which I will not be able to deny, or to give in.
So... I will give in... I will give up on myself in each moment I waste my time consiencely knowing how I could more efficiently spend my time.
Because there is no agreement between me and my mind, there is no compromise.
Should I give in, which I am sure I will, as i am not willing to commit myself to never watch entertainment video/game/movie.
I will give in, but from here I move myself to the best of my abilities to support myself in these moments.
As I commit myself to breathe in each moment I chose to watch anything as entertainment movies/vidoes/games/ and even lounging around not providing myself the direction I need in my free time, and as I breathe I commit myself to see, face, and realize the consequence of giving into my mind of entertainemnt when I am aware of how to better apply myself, and when and as i face these realisations of what I am participating in as my time as the consequence of wasting time, I commit myself to stop, breathe, and direct myself as acting on the realization of how I can better spend my free time, and the Consequence's of wasting my time as giving into myind of let me just watch one more video, or play this game for just a few more minutes.
I fear facing myself as totally commiting myself to stop my participation
But I also fear giving into the entertainment desire and then facing the consequence of wasting my time, and affecting other aspects of my life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the idea of not participating in entertainment videos/movies/games with the feeling of losing a friend.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expiernece loss within reaction to the idea of totally re-focusing my time and participation.
I wish I wasn't in this situation, because I enjoy games and funny videos so much, but the amount that I work does not lend me any time to do anything other than tending to my writing and whatever other productive actities I include within my life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hesistate as wishing I was not faced with this point.
I commit myself to rise to the occasion, as not being distracted with wishful thinking, as I commit myself to not participate in any entertainment when on my own free time, as only directing myself to write and investigate and share myself as mine and others process.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect to fall within this point, and within this not giving me an oppritunity to see in self honesty if I can rise.
Yet, if I were to fall within this point, as I must support myself within it, as I have already seen what is required of me in self honesty and have committed myself to it,
I must prepare myself now. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the withdrawal I am predicting,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be sad that I will be living without the joy of seeing certain characters I enjoy or admire.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to garner these attachments to certain people and characters I enjoy watching, and within this not considering what I am really allowing within this relationship, as all I know is that the relationship is important to me.
I commit myself to within moments of withdrawal from entertainment that I question my relationship to entertainment and why it had become something so energetically charged and why it is so hard to let go within myself.
I also make note of certain exceptions, as when I am with someone else whom I might participate in entertainment as part of forming a relationship with someone, or if I am for example at work they play music so I might listen to music at that time.
But, as long as where I stand is clear within myself, In have no excuses.
Also for very specefic investigation purposes where I am being specefic and direct within a choice to investigate a certain point within myself utilizing entertainment as a resource.
There is one final thing.
Before I blazinly commit myself to more than I can chew, I ask, what am I afraid of?
I'm afraid I'll fall in all ways giving up on this point completely,
I'm afraid I'll lose all self respect if another was to see how loosely I devote myself without any real conviction.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to include anyone else's perception of me as part of my decision to give onto myself the oppritunity of life, as I realize these perceptions of others are me reflecting myself through the eyes of others so I may not face my own judgement.
As I realize I am acting on the hope that I can understand what I am trying to do, instead of giving myself everything I need to be successful in self honesty.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear I will play the fool, in portraying myself as someone capable of greatness, but never proving it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my past as judgement of myself as being foolish and lacking an real comprehension of my words in the past, to influence me now.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the bagage I have created stand before what I would like to give to myself, as what I want for myself and all as life.
I commit myself to realize I am alone with my choice's, and I alone must stand for the consequences.
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