Day 32- 'Stealing' Self Forgiveness

When I say 'Stealing', I do not mean plagiarizing another's writing of self forgiveness.

If I were to want to incorporate someone else's word's or witting, than I'd just "quote" them.

I am referring to an experience I had, where I was reading another person's writing, and I as I was reading their self forgiveness I thought, why not read it out-loud and actually use it/apply it just as if it were my own.

Then I had a doubt within me, of, 'but I didn't write this', 'this isn't mine to use that way'.

So, first, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take trying to better apply myself within my relationship to my own and other's self forgiveness as utilizing another's writing, and respond with such excessive fear, as the fear that I'm stealing, as doing something wrong.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'shut down' my operation of reading someone else's self forgiveness out loud as my own, before I could even realize for myself if it was something practical and useful for my process.

I do not know if I can read someone else's writing as me expressing myself equal to the understanding and relating to another's experiences and expression of self forgiveness as my own, as if it were no different than me having writing it myself, as I take it onto myself as relating all the points within my own self and my own process.

One possibility is that, it might not be practical or efficient to do this, and it might be better to read someone else's self forgiveness out-loud but not to the same affect of reading and writing my own, but still I would gain insight and relate to what they have said.

This being a foreign concept to me, that I do not have seen discussed much, and had experienced in myself to this degree before, I was interested in experiencing with this point, yet I stopped myself, out of a reaction of fear, of judgement, of being wrong, and bad, and not acceptable before I could even in self honesty make a decision one way or another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to automatically shut myself down when exploring a new concept within the realm of my process out fear of being outlandish and selfish for trying to steal from another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to slam down on myself out of fear of compromising my process while exploring a new concept within my process, and within this become the very deliberate malignant compromise that I was trying to avoid.

I feared I would be compromising myself if I spoke someone else's self forgiveness as taking it back to myself and speaking it just as I would if I had written it out for myself. I feared I would compromise myself, so what did I do within my fear? I compromised myself to not explore this new concept. I feared this new concept would compromise me, so I compromised myself before it could.

It's like this control, I'd rather compromise myself than be compromised through the exploration of new concepts within my process.

It blatantly makes no sense, except when I realize I'm walking a compromised process, where I see things needing to be a certain set way, and you just do things the way you're suppose to, and then you get to heaven as stopping your mind, and just being here and doing what is best for life, plain and simple...

I feared 'sinning', as sinning, as not following the instructions to the religion I have created as Desteni, where I fear I will not be saved and go to heaven on earth if I do not follow the instructions properly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to replace common sense and investigation within self honesty and self forgiveness, with rules and guidelines meant to make sure I follow the 'right path'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to replace common sense and self investigation with a system of right and wrong, where I do not have to think and apply myself in self honesty, I just follow the charter within my mind, and wait to be saved.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I must save myself, as within self honesty realizing there is no definitive right or wrong within Desteni, within my own process, because I must come to realize for and as myself when, where, and how to apply myself within each moment.

A good point, in realizing, no matter what happens, or what is occurring within me, I'm left to my own devices, and what strength and support I have, is what I give and allow for and as myself as life.

Yes the process I'm walking is very structured, but that is the structure I give to myself, as I have the format, and tools, I have seen and proven within my own life to have the effects needed to change myself into a being who can do what is best in each breathe for all of life.

So, I'm feeling more confident about speaking out about this point, and gaining other's thoughts and perspectives, as well as investigating for myself, but first there is a relevant memory I'd like to bring up.

I have a memory of considering stealing from some one when I was a kid, and I expiernece if as a difficult memory to open up, but this is the best moment while it is alive in my mind to act regardless of the fear and shame regarding my actions/behavior and digging into my past while it is here for me now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think it was 'cool' to do whatever you want, and not consider repercussions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I would be looked upon from my friend as fearless and powerful If I were to take from another person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to assert my idea of myself as being better than another in being able to take what I want from them without considering the pain and frustration it might cause another if I were to take their things.

Although this was a short phase in my life, of seeing how far I could push myself to do whatever I pleased, and was very young, regardless of how I might think I've 'changed', as I go into this memory I see that I haven't changed, I experience shame and guilt, of this considering stealing because I've simply layered over this action with more suppression and fear that must have been why I'd consider acting this way in the first place.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed that I had not considered how I would be affecting someone else's life if I had actually acted on this impulse to burglarize another person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty that I used to harbor this desire to take from other's as a form of strength over them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to shield myself from really opening up this point with suppression as emotion, where if I really look at what was occurring with me at the time, it was, Veni, vidi, vici; "I came; I saw; I conquered"

In this moment of forgiving myself for super imposing how I think I should have felt as my new ethical moral idea of myself, I allow myself to see pride! 

I felt these emotions in relationship to this memory long after the fact, in the moment I was doing what I pleased, Veni, Vidi, Vici. 

I had no guilt, no shame, in that moment,

I have been living out this construct of 'do as I please', when I thought I could carve my own path without writing self forgiveness and self commitment, and just breathing myself to freedom without self honesty. 

I thought I could conquer myself, just as I thought I could conquer this other person when I was a kid and thought of stealing from them, because they were a dork, and a low life, and I was 'cool'.

They were what I did not want to face within how I saw myself, and I saw how I could assert what I admired and acknowledged as being 'cool', as thievery and villainy. 

This is my opportunity to really openly go into depth with the level's of deranged I have become within my mind. 

Where I thought to not share a certain element of this memory, but it's here now, and this is my chance to openly, publicly address this memory in self forgiveness to it's full extent. 

I had climbed this person's fence and jumped onto their balcony, and considered opening their window and taking things from their room. I was 13, and I admired people who stole, and did drugs, and did what they wanted. 

And in just a moment, I could have possessed the rest of my life to this life of crime, a life of dread, and pain, and hate. 

And although I never acted on this impulse, and never let me ego take me that far ever again, that resonance, that being on the brink of 'evil' is still within me as my mind. 

How did I lose sight of what mattered in life, and act souly on ego through my judgement, perception, and actions?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as though I was awkward and dorky when i was younger. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to reassert myself as what I admired as being cool and confident as being a 'crook' and a 'punk', instead of just facing in self honesty these views I held over myself, and believed is what I was and was perceived as. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be what I viewed was as cool, comfortable, and confident within the expression of being a 'ruthless punk', where I only saw what I desired to be within myself, and did not consider the outflow's and repercussions of such behavior and life style. 

Going back even further in time, there was a particular 'punk' who I had a rough relationship with, I admired him as being 'cool', and 'handsome' as attractive to the ladies, and confident as doing radical things without any regret or remorse. 

I admired this person because I felt outcasted and alone, but I saw him as an outcast who really knew how to wear it. 

In a way, I wanted to be him, to wear my difference as who I was, and so I befriended him, only to find that there was much more to him than what I had seen and admired on the outside. 

He was mean, and hard to get along with, and yet funny, charming, and had a big heart when it really came to it. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create these elaborate mental relationships to who I was and who other people were. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to permit the school yard 'click' possession as looking for what I clicked with, and pursuing it, so I did not have to face how I really felt within my world. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let this idea of who I was permit within me to the point where I would have broken into someone's home and invaded their room taking their things, just so I could push myself further away from the part of me I did not want to see within the person I was considering stealing and burglarizing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am a bad person for taking my identity as ego to such a degree that I would violently invade another's home and room and property just to enforce them as not being me, as I saw this person as a dork who I a punk could take advantage of.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see this event as an unfortunate phase I went through in my youth, when it clearly is such a major junction of creating who I was within my mind that suppressing it as guilt and resentment can only make de-coding and un-layering it even more difficult than it already was facing it here and now. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view opening up difficult or bad points in my life as being unsettling and unnerving, where I find myself unwilling to face the point to it's fullest extent, and have to force myself to 'look at it in the eyes', when it does not have to be difficult, unsettling or unnerving, I only allow this experience as guilt and shame and regret. 

I realize admitting to this occurrence, as the feeling of admitting to a crime or a sin in a confessional is not self honesty within itself. 

It is self honesty to open up the point regardless of the pain and ridicule, and then to actually face it in self honesty. 

I see how my past is being held to this very day, when I see something as being representative of 'stealing', and I have this horrifying reaction to it... I can see how I have created this reaction, I have created this suffering life of believing I have sinned and am bad, and trying to avoid ever again seeing the truth of my creation. 

When and as I see myself reacting to the memory of climbing onto this person's balcony and considering taking their things as breaking into their room and collecting their property with guilt, I stop, breathe, and direct myself as I realize this memory of past self, is still me, and I cannot protect myself from what I have created within a moral obligation to feel guilty as repentance. 

When and as I see myself reacting to the memory of climbing onto this person's balcony and considering taking their things as breaking into their room and collecting their property with shame, I stop, breathe, and correct myself here as life, as I realize, the system I have created was created by me, and shame will only allow me to avoid facing it for so long, before I am left with the truth once I no longer can maintain the expression of shame. 

My process, clearly can bring me to the place I need to be, to face the self honesty that is needed, to face myself for myself, I commit myself to be patient within the expierence of my process, as I realize the law of attraction playing out, and seeing how I am able to direct it in a way that is best for all of life as self forgiveness. 

Opening up this point of Stealing self forgiveness has given me an opportunity to face something in my life that I otherwise would certainly have layed on my grave, but instead I can move forward, and continue to dig toward the heart of life, instead of living in the separate reality of regret.