You hear almost exclusively about how marijuana is this natural, persecuted, wonderful drug.
How you don't want to do anything 'bad' on it, and you just want to relax and eat.
How the man is trying to keep you down by persecuting it.
No one should be persecuted for smoking marijuana, or for doing any drugs, and what good a drug is to you is up to the individual to realize.
But, I have a very different relationship to marijuana then most people I hear from.
I tortured myself by smoking marijuana.
I experienced excessive, as I was thinking to describe it a moment ago, I do not even have the words within me to effectively portray the level's of dementia and morbid experiences in relationship to everything I would experience on marijuana.
My experiences on marijuana would be Guantnamo bay CIA torture level of psychosis and mental disturbance.
Why would anyone do that to themselves?
Because when I first started doing it, it was the best high I have ever experienced.
A few good feeling highs followed by years of trying to chase that feeling back down to absolutely no avail.
I have not really ever written this point out to such a degree, because I never thought I was 'addicted', and I still don't know that I ever was, but I do know I smoked marijuana for years, because I was desperate to get back to the good high, and just kept trying different things in my mind, and trying it with different people in different environments, but nothing ever came close.
You could say it doesn't matter because only my mind 'suffered', as my experience of suffering was not pain, just some physical discomfort, along with sever mental distress, but the physical did suffer, I lost a lot of self trust.
I would feel such paranoia that it would influence my actions to the point of reacting to hallucinations, experiencing myself as if me 'high' was who I was, dangerous level's of paranoia where I did not know how I might have reacted if pushed any further.
My excess amount of backchat is something I can surely trace back to my time on pot as well, where I would have stupendous amounts of other-worldly levels of backchat/paranoid thoughts/thinking, and it did not even play into the equation of to stop my participation with weed or not.
Yet, for all these bad experiences, there was a sense of 'strength', where using massive amounts of will power I could function normally despite mentally being a total fruit cake, there is this sense of dominance and pride of, 'I'm going back into the pit', of 'I'm going to face the monster again', because this time I might win, I might beat out the bad, and get back to the good.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to smoke marijuana because the people who I admired at the time did so.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that when one of the major points of why I looked up to certain people was because they did drugs, and I thought drugs themselves were a cool point to 'get into', was not a very good starting point for being in a relationship with these people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge 'these people' when really my judgement was placed on marijuana and what I saw it as doing to people, and what I initially saw it doing to myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my friends for inciting my desires to continue smoking pot, when it really was always my desire to 'keep fighting' for that good high.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have token better precautions as realizing that I do not have the proper guidance and safety requirements needed to know how my mind and body would be affected by marijuana, and could not even guarantee that it was not laced with something, which I have heard about happening.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my desire to return to that 'high' influence any number of decisions I would make to do drugs and different experiences just to try to get that good high again.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that any drug I get that is not from a doctor has no guarantee of what it is actually composed of, and that within this 'safety' is not even part of the equation unless it was pertaining to something known in common place as being very dangerous no matter the precaution.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let these hard/soft drugs into my life, when I did not, and still do not particularly care for the experience on these drugs, and really only ever cared about the glamour of 'doing drugs', and those few first time highs, which could never be sustained.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider how the damage I was doing to myself within damaging my self trust, was just as much a threat to me here as life, as doing something with a known physical harm, where from how I see it, hitting myself over the head with a rock would probably have been a healthier safer alternative to something even such as marijuana.
This is not a full diagnostic of my relationship to drugs/alcohol, so why would I already be prepared to commit myself to stopping any participation with all drugs that are not doctor prescribed/ nicotine/caffeine?
One, because I do not have any particular outstanding relationship to any drugs now or ever, so it's a good time to make sure that does not ever happen.
two, because it can effect my financial security as risking my jobs, and as throwing away my money on a 'high' to be accompanied with a 'low'
three, all of the drugs I am referring to except for a few, and for alcohol are illegal, and it is not worth getting arrested for.
I commit myself to stop, breathe, and direct myself when and as I would ever think or desire to do any drug that is not prescription/over the counter.
I have nothing to tell anyone else who is currently doing any kind of drug, except for, to decide for yourself where you stand within your relationship to all things within and without including drugs.
I commit myself to never again do any drug that is not assigned to me directly by a doctor, available
over the counter, or cigarettes, (cigarette's have a pending relationship at the moment however.)
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