20 - "See You Space Cowboy"

I was talking to my friend, and we started talking about different characters from different stories.

I start talking about a few specific characters who I admire, in the sense that I like what
characteristics they represent.

A simple conversation, a simple talking point, for me, a fun character study, looking at what these different characters represent.

Through this discussion I slowly realize my relationship to one particular character goes deeper than the surface level I assumed of it.

I didn't just enjoy this show, and enjoy the representation of this fictional character, I actually identified with this character on a deeper level,

and it did not stop there, as once I was alone and was continuing to contemplate my relationship to this character, I had a kind of break down,

It was like the flood gates opening, and I had that nostalgic feeling, as I remembered how I felt when I first watched this show, and remembered just how emotionally invested I was in the idea of this character and what I allowed him to represent within my mind, as well as the desire to be him, and exist within what he represented to me.

I had this experience within the nostalgia of emotion of sadness remembering what I felt in relationship to this character of wanting to give up on Desteni, on writing, yet, I didn't, but, before I move forward I want to say, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as silly or immature for wanting to give up on what matters to me as Desteni for my longing for a single point of idenity within my mind within this moment of nostalgia.

There is a deeper meaning here, the character of the 'space cowboy', is apathetic, a loner, makes his own strides, and goes his own way.

These are the characteristics that I allowed to lead me away from Desteni as my ideas got the best of me, of who I am, and what I can do by myself, which was never proven, and I return here because of that, but it's worth noting that there is a surreal connection in realizing that I still admire these traits and especially how they are represented in this character, the cool loner with the cigarette in his mouth, the space cowboy, the lonesome frontier.

I realize that Destnei matters in the sense that I can address my problems for real within self honesty and self forgiveness and as the more points I address the more I realize I can change myself, and within this change the world as equal to me as one life equal to all, so, Desteni matters, it materializes, it's real change, real effect.

But, I'm walking out my mind, I must face my mind before I can change it, and in this instance, I faced a character I have a deep mental connection to, and that is what I face, so I commit myself to not judge myself for what I must face being goofy or immature like 'Look at how bad the world is, why care about a childish cartoon show'

It's not to look around, things are bad, and for all intents and purposes getting worse, but I must look at this because it's part of my programming, I must look at how I care so much about this fictional fantasy because I can look around at the world all day, it is what it is through participation, I decided my participation was that of fantasy, as nothing, so I must face this 'nothingness' and correct it, so when I do look around, I am in a position not of fantasy, but of action.

'Look around at the horrors of earth', I have seen them, but they mean nothing to me, this fantasy world means something to me, in common sense I see the dissonance from reality, but I commit myself not to judge what I have already set in place, and must face within myself, before I can face with real open eyes what is outside myself, and make changing the horrors of earth matter.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'break down' within the experience of nostalgia.

Where in this moment of breaking down, all that mattered was a character, and taking that back to self, all that mattered was me as this character, as it was a fictional character in a cartoon, of course I am the one who created this relationship and experience towards the idea of this character.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to go on within my process because of the 'love' I wield as my fantasy, my illusion, the whole of my identity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify as the fantasy television character of the space cowboy,

I commit myself to stop, breathe, and direct myself here as life, when and as I see myself going into emotional experience/reaction toward the space cowboy as myself or as the actual character represented in the television show.

I realize there is more than just nostalgia here, as a long lost emotion coming back to the surface, this is at my very core, the desire to live a fantasy, to evade reality, to ensure my enslavement to the systems I have implemented as long as I 'win' if I get to dream, if I get to be the living embodiment of my own corruption as fantasy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek for a fantasy to identify as, to consume.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consume myself within fantasy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire more than what has been granted to me as life, as my body, as my world.

I could elaborate more about the show Cow-boy be-bop, and my relationship to it, and the character of the space cowboy, but I commit myself to stand within my writing of self forgiveness no matter what form it takes, where here, I write a short blurb about my emotional reaction, for myself, to stand in the moment of reaction, to show myself that I do not 'give in' to this fantasy any longer, and that I forgive myself for falling within this point, so it may not happen again,

Yet no little or big amount of writing can guarantee anything, I will face other fantasies, I will fall beneath the weight of my creation, and I will have to make the choice to breathe, to forgive, and to stand again, that is what I can guarantee.

In this writing I have shown myself forgiveness for what has occurred, I need only realize that, should I need write more, I will find out, and I commit myself to do so when needed, needed when I don't realize if I have forgiven myself in the specificity required for myself.

Here in this point, regarding the nostalgic reaction, I have given to myself forgiveness, and the commitment to face whatever stone remain unturnt in time, and to breathe as I must do when such a moment like this should reoccur.

If there is one thing I am deciding to take from this show, it's the final words that show up as the screen pans up towards the night sky, and it says, "YOU'RE GONNA CARRY THAT WEIGHT", a line from a song by the Beatles.

I have to carry the weight I placed on this show and this character, that is guaranteed, but I can chose to forgive myself for the ways I have manipulated myself within my relationship, not just to this show and character, but to all things.

I commit myself to "CARRY THAT WEIGHT", within self honesty, as I realize I must carry what I have created, but I chose to 'lighten that load', within self forgiveness.

I must carry all the weight I have created within my mind, but I chose to forgive myself for the creation of this weight on my body, and on the world all around me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Carry the weight of what I have created through my allowance within spite and remorse, instead of facing all the baggage I carry in self honesty and self forgiveness.

So long space cowboy.