Day 189- Controlling Wandering

My mind my conscience left to it's own device just wanders.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not guide myself back when I wander off within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my wandering be seen to it's completion when I'd rather just abruptly cut myself off and say come back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define wandering off as a perfect moment.

Why would I interrupt a perfect moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to cut off the picture perfect moment of being relaxed and letting my mind wander off as I realize the moment of wondering off is just an escape and I'm better then that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to humor my mind as myself trying to escape through wondering, as seeking a path to freedom to enlightenment in letting my mind wander.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself the responsibility of having a child where I cannot just lay back and relax I have to stay alert and watch my mind wander around until it figures out whatever I'm trying to figure out in that mental ride of wondering and wandering  off in day dreaming and dazing off.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to just let loose as the physical and not have to pay attention to my my mind's wondering as having to give weight to my own wonder.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give weight and authority to the things I wonder about, as I realize I start to wonder when i have a chance to live in wonder.

When I'm out in nature for example and I actually get the chance to live in nature and be there and make an actual wonderful moment out of it, but instead I shut down and start to wonder and wander within myself, like I'm afraid, because I am afraid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to live out the great wonders of my dreams and of my mind as I realize I can live them out as one and equal as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful for not being  able to live out my dreams and my wonders just exactly as I'd like to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my idea in my imagination as exactly how I'd like to live out my dreams.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself by deliberately letting myself blur the lines between dreams and reality so that I can live closet and closer to my dreams by pushing myself further away from what's here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have the courage to apply my dreams to living and test them to see what they really are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a big moment out of wandering off into my dreams as if that's the moment I become completely here, when it's the moment I become completely asleep.

There's plenty of resistance in relationship to wandering off and going into day dreams and wonder, but I realize where I need to take my stand, and I realize what the best thing for me is, so in directing myself accordingly the resistance and emotion can all come out in time, and then be addressed in self forgiveness.

When and as I see myself letting myself wander because I want to see my dreams and wonders through, I stop, I breathe, I realize what's best and I realize the direction I will take, thusly, I commit myself to in each breathe not fight with my mind trying to wander and day dream, as I realize no matter how far out it goes, no matter what it brings back, I know where I stand because I know what's best for life in standing as the physical and equality and that I can face whatever my mind brings up in self forgiveness.

So then my mind when I go into wondering and wandering and day dreaming I'll be able to just stand in breathe and awareness and my mind will still be wandering because that would take a while to address, but instead at least of being my child I have to constantly be on edge about, it could be more like a cat and be independent and able to fend for itself while I focus on breathing and being here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strain myself to stop my mind when it wanders.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to implement force of mind to control my mind instead of force of self as self movement through self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to squeeze the physical right between my eyes when my mind wanders like I'm trying to cage my mind, like I'm trying to cage my third eye.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to concern myself with my mind wandering off so much instead of just focusing on breathing and doing what can here and leaving that part of my mind to deal with directly in self forgiveness, letting it explore and then having points to work on when it returns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my responsibility as taking order and control over my mind whenever it starts to wonder about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let letting go be an option, when I'm clearly struggling and clearly in conflict why not just retreat and focus on what matters.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to act and breathe and move myself as if controlling my mind matters when it's not a natural self movement through self forgiveness and correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as doing anything other then holding back something that does not require me to hold it back because it's not in my jurisdiction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in each breathe focus on my mind instead of focusing on the physical as learning breathe and physical awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strain myself to the point that I cannot unstrain my eyes without forgiving myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that it's like I've found another problem I need to deal with, as I realize it's been there regardless so it's for the best that I bring awareness to it.

The idea here is when my mind wanders to stand ad self movement as not participating with the wandering through self forgiveness, not to mentally try to stop it just creating more strain on myself fighting fire with fire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight fire with fire when dealing with my mind wandering off as I try to stop it and create a ton of painful stress and pressure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear when my mind wanders off like I need to stop it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a control freak instead of just taking what I can back to myself as standing in self movement and expression, and not freaking out over what I cannot yet take back to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to panic ever time I see my mind wandering of and not being able to breathe and just take myself back to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to let go of my controlling
of my mind's wandering because I don't want to lose all my progress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my emotional relationship to progress get in the way of me not seeing where I'm not actually making any progress and am just inhibiting the things within me that need to be resolved so I can take them to self forgiveness.

I can see the strain right in my eyes, I can feel myself quenching my eyes and then I pop over to this state of control and authority.

I can see this sucks, I know what to do when things suck,

When and as I see myself physically straining to control my mind from wandering, I stop, I breathe, I realize my control is making things worse because if u could move myself to stop I wouldn't need to strain and stress and lose my cool, thusly, I commit myself not try to stop my mind from wandering off if it's not self movement as me moving myself to stop participation in wandering off as I realize I can tell the difference so then trust myself to make that identification.

Day 188- The Point I Can Activate

I'm still working on the point of energy moving all over inside of me in each breathe.

One thing that is interesting is that I can activate this point and move it around with my mind at any time.

I can't make myself automatically feel any feeling or emotion, but this point is maybe rooted deeply in my own imagination, because imagination is the only thing that I can similarly activate and move around in such a similar way.

Because I wouldn't even go to say there is am energy moving around within me, but that's what the experience is, it could be imaginary energy and then seems real because of how I respond to it and participate with it like an imaginary friend.

I was laying down and paying attention to the experience and it was like it was contained, like it was in limbo, and I realized I should try to make it activate because I know how to do that because I designed it consciencely and directly.

So then I wondered about how I can directly activate any thought or imagination or thinking, but the key is with a thought for example I can just breathe and not participate when the thought comes up, or if I needed to directly think about something then I could do that deliberately.

This energy movement experience I can't stop by just breathing, but my goal is to keep doing self forgiveness until I can in a single breathe stop this energy misalignment within myself.

So saying I'm not making any progress because of how much worse I can make it if I consciencely try to activate it isn't necessarily very accurate because I can be very good at directing myself to breathe and not obsess over thoughts when they come up, but if I wanted to make myself have many thoughts it would be easy.

So one big relevant point I realize now is that in my mind I'm seeking for a place to settle in, I feel nervous and unstable without a precise point to cling onto within my mind, like I'm suspended without something to grasp onto within my conscience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate this conscience platform for me to interact with instead of just investigating the physical with breathe and realizing how I can take his need for something to be working with in each breathe and apply it to the physical where it can actually be given purpose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I would never find bearings within myself to express myself and move myself as the physical so instead created a supplemental experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define moving my conscienceness to physical awareness as being just a matter of occupying my mind instead of realizing how it actually represents change where for example I'm no longer creating this energy in my mind instead I would be applying that force within myself as a physical expression of myself on each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take all this misalignment crud moving around in my mind and applying that force and energy as myself as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the living of self forgiveness in each breathe where I'm living my word of self forgiveness as a self expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to stop this energy moving within me instead of forgiving it and taking it back to myself to be changed into a self expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider the potential of taking all this force and energy and applying it within myself as my body as my physical standing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to mentally control and direct myself to stop this point because I don't trust myself to take it back to physical standing as oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to tell when I'm standing one and equal to this point or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to control this point when I want to see that I'm standing as one and equal to this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself in a position where I have no reliable physical reference point because I've completely integrated my mind as conscienceness without physical awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to consciencely stand one and equal to this point as the physical instead of physically moving myself to do so as an expression of my understanding and power as the physical.

When and as I see myself lingering in my mind looking for somewhere to settle, I stop, I breathe, I realize myself as being able to take this tugging and disorientation within myself and standing equal and one to it as a physical expression, thusly, I commit myself to take my relationship to this energy moving within me and change my relationship to it within myself to that of me standing as the physical in relationship to it where I can forgive this point as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to take self responsibility for my conscience because I define it as very tedious, because being conscience is tedious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to take self responsibility for my conciseness because it's tedious to do so as I realize not taking self responsibility as even more tedious, but I don't have to make any direct effort to just be not responsibility for my consciences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for everything to come from a deep part of me where I don't have to acknowledge and deal with what I've created through my own conciseness.

When and as I see myself not seeing putting the effort into taking back my consciencess and standing as one and equal to it as the physical as being worth the effort, I stop, I breathe, I realize it is worth the effort because it makes my life better and easier and allows me to one day be the person I'd like to be, thusly, I commit myself to in each breathe take my conciseness back to my self as the physical as awareness as living the forgiveness and understanding that it's worth the effort and seeing how I've judged the word 'effort' within not wanting to put in effort where it would support me and make things easier.

Right now I think I have the perfect breathing and self movement pattern going for me, so now I have to see if I have taken the point of moving myself as energy experience within each breathe and am living my forgiveness as changing that force into a physical living force of change through forgiveness, or I could be time looping where I've always gone into different mental relationships to breathing and this could be that again, I just don't know, a lot of the stuff I've been writing about in the last month or so, I can't even put into words and don't want to bother trying to explain it to myself I just know there's something off and I just need to put in into self forgiveness.

I commit myself to reset myself right now, so I can come back to my next writing and start over from scratch, forget about any progress or accumulation and just make sense of what I have on my hands for what it's worth.

Day 187- Return to Drawing Board; Facing Inner Sea

Returning to yesterday's point of the inner sea/wind as the energetic strings and movements I experience within my mind in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being competent enough to stop the energy movement inside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to take the energy moving within me to a complete stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish I could put more effort into stopping this energy without addressing it in self forgiveness more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to put in end to this movement experience within me more when I'm willing to actually write it out in self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put energy into stopping this energy in essence just fueling it further because I'm not actually stopping it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compromise bringing this point to a complete stop within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to force this point out with mental effort where I realize by the time I'm trying to mentally wrap my mind around a way to auto this point I'm just thinking and will have to take it to self forgiveness again.

So I'm back at the chalk board again, and I'd say taking everything into consideration I did very well in regards to this point in my living application today, but I definitely found myself in several situations where I didn't know what to do about it, I didn't know where to stand, I had to think it, and even some moments where I felt like I've accomplished nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harbor doubt in how I will act in relationship to this point coming up as the energy moving within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harbor doubt when I can't afford to have any doubt in relationship to this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have doubts because I'm not sure how in my living I will stop this point, as I realize in my living I don't need to do anything, as I'll script everything out from here so my living will reflect my self forgiveness and don't need to have any positive faith or negative doubt.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear the moments when this point hits me in a way I cannot deal with as I realize I'm creating more moments I can deal with this point then moments of which i cannot.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define a few moments in feeling as if I've lost define how I'm dealing with this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my relationship to this point as all or nothing win or lose instead of a walking process, because I feel more powerful in being able to just annihilate this point then admit it's something very intricate and deeply seated within me and will take time even after many weeks potentially.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give into desperation in facing how I may need to spend weeks diving into this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my personality weaken me by rushing to get this point dine and in rushing inhibit me from studying and paying closer attention to this point and how my relationship to it is changing.

So, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that this point is beyond beyond written out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this point is a metaphysical battle when it is only because I've over complicated things in not just relying on self movement in self forgiveness to have begun with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there must be a fight between me and this energy moving within myself when what's more likely to happen is it just fading away on it's own and me not having to directly do very much except my self forgiveness and correction.

I forgive myself
that i have accepted and allowed myself to not realize if I'm fighting with this point there's conflict and where there's mental conflict all that remains is taking note and returning to self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn my relationship to this point into a grand battle because I imagine a grand metaphysical battle as being moving enough to move me into stopping this point as standing one and equal to the energy within me .

When and as I see myself going into conflict in relationship to this point I stop, I breathe, I realize I do not need I go into conflict with this point whatever I can stop I will, but whatever leads to conflict requires me to return to self forgiveness, thusly, I commit myself to stop what I can stop directly with however much effort required by me as moving myself to stand equal to this point, and I commit myself to let go when conflict arises as I realize there's nothing I can do at that point except return to self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so consumed by this point of energy moving within me that I feel like there is no way to specify the overwhelming nature of it existing in each breathe without any direct reaction or trigger point or any reference of where it could possibly be coming from except my own mind and consceiencess.

When people say 'expand your mind', that's a very good description, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expand my mind even though i'm not capable of standing one and equal to my mind thus creating what I have now as something I cannot control or direct or stand for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my mind to be stronger so I can force my will onto myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not once have considered that I'd ever have to face the day where I have to stand against my own consceincess.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is anything I've created within my mind that I cannot face and deconstruct in my self forgiveness and correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare the self forgiveness process to the process of creating this energy movement point within me as I realize the creation of this point and the deconstruction and forgiveness of this point and correction are equal but not comparable in the way I'm trying to compare out of fear of not having the time strength and fortitude to address this point in writing.

When and as I see myself fearing this point is beyond change in self forgiveness, I stop, I breathe, I realize that what I've created through consciences cannot stand against what I plan to create and reassert as myself in self forgiveness and living statements of correction, thusly, I commit myself to focus on what I can do to support myself when this point feels to big to deal with as I realize all I need to do is get myself to the next moment which I can sit down and write this point out and that's all the fight that there needs to be.

Day 186- Conscience Energy Intruder

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consciously participate with the energy moving with myself instead of with directing myself on a more physical level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consciously direct myself to be moved by the energy moving within me instead of moving myself to stop participation because I'm more comfortable with being moved then moving myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let comfort get influence me to not put the most effort I can in each breathe to stop participation with this energy moving within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take my consciences to a level of more awareness of the physical where that is then my change brought forth after my forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not create my progress and my self movement the best I can by giving myself the opportunity to stop participation with this energy movement within myself and give myself the chance to instead move myself as awareness within breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting the semantics wrong of how or what I'll do when I see the energy moving within myself and what to do in that moment, as I realize in that moment if what needs to be done is not instantly moved by me without thought or question or conscience input then I'm still holding back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not assert myself when I see the energy moving inside of me, where I'm just settling for not being capable, or not giving myself the resource.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tolerate excuses for myself to not simply move myself and take action in the moment of seeing myself being moved by the energy which I've been struggling with in each breathe for years.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the only way to stop this energy movement as being within breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to working with this point within breathe instead of taking on even more parts and elements of myself capable of stopping this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let an inadequate part of my mind run myself in each breathe instead of taking the charge within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by the pattern of which the energy moves within me in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take on the better patterns more physically supportive as my direction in awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my awareness drift into this energy movement instead of taking my awareness to a more physical level.

When and as I see this energy moving within me, I stop, I breathe, I realize I'm capable of taking on this energy within myself as stopping it and moving this energy to awareness as the physical, thusly, I commit myself to take this conscience energy movement and direct it to physical awareness whenever I see it coming up within myself.

I close my eyes and I can see it.

Instead of the energy just running wild and losing control I close my eyes and I can see it moving to physical awareness.

This could be a major keystone to resolving this energy movement which I've been dealing with for many years and striking a brand new path for me in my life which would be right on time with school coming up pretty soon.

I want to make another push.

I want something more solidified something more all encompassing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my relationship to this energy movement being all or nothing, where I'm afraid of not being able to take half measures and truly putting everything I have into stopping this movement and taking it to a physical direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear implementing and living something that won't fade away in time as the mind but will stand as who I am and what I'm living within my body until death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing against this point of separation within me until the grave.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to let my life go on the way it is now when I can see how integral facing this point is in relationship to my development as a human being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself believe even a single strand of this energy movement string within me can escape me as the physical self moving itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there will always bee loose ends because I fear actually making this move and taking it to the grave as I realize there cannot be any compromise in relationship to this constant energy movement within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my body be paralyzed
with fear as I allow myself to be paralyzed with fear in taking a stand against this conscience intruder.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how exhausting putting myself truly into stopping and moving this point to a physical equal living level will be.

As I realize how exhausted I am to begin with in each moment in each day, I have nothing left to lose in terms of exhaustion, I'm just being lazy and fearful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy and fearful in relationship to this point because I still fear the consequences of conflict I could face in taking on this point in a fuller more powerful way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself in relationship to fearing the consequences as I realize the consequences would be nothing but good for me from start to finish if not for some very minor rough patches which is no more then what I'm going through right now trying to push myself harder here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest about how I have nothing to lose but everything to gain in facing this point, because of my personality of not really caring one way or another, because I just don't care about if I could support myself as life more so or not in relationship to this point, I don't care either way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let caring get in the way of my common sense and self drive as a human being when I don't care if I do or don't care, this is what I'm doing, this is a statement I'm making that goes beyond personality or preference as caring.

When and as I see this energy coming up within me and me not putting my everything into stopping it, I stop, I breathe, I realize all the reasons I can come up with to not put myself totally in each breathe in each moment into taking this energy moving within me back to a physical level is irrelevant completely, thusly, I commit myself to take my realization of all opposition as being irrelevant into practice by putting myself all or nothing into each breathe in relationship to bringing this point back to the physical, as I realize within my all or nothing approach when I see this energy still moving within me i know there's an element that I've not come to self honest terms yet.

Still need to keep pushing, but extraordinary progress from what I can see so far.

Day 185- Breaking Through

Everything for me comes back to the energy moving within in me. The energy movement experience present in each breathe.

I feel like everything else is just clearing room so I can give my total attention to this one point.

I'm not in a position where I can do anything of significance for this movement within me.

I feel like a ship on the ocean.

All I can hope to do is to dive back into this point and keep fishing while I'm out at sea.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself something specific and significant to do to walk this point out in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still perceive this point as coming over me apposed to me producing it when I believe I can still some how wait it out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this point of constant energy movement in each breathe will maintain until I die if I don't figure out what's going on and how to address is breathe by breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide what I can do to make progress within this point of significance from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand in complete separation from creating this point of movement of energy when I do not directly address and walk it in each breathe.

I've sealed it in.

I've sealed my separation from this point within my deal with the devil.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seal this point within separation within myself so I wouldn't have to consciencely maintain all of the energy and effort it took to create this energy movement experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I've done in programming myself to be separated from directing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how much of myself I must take on directly and I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to wish I was more robotic and didn't have to be in so much control of myself all the time.

I opened up this point in the greatest depth I could, and elaborated on several other elements, and it's all coming through, but it's upsetting me that it all hasn't even put me in a position where I can make any significant progress.

The moment I can devote every breathe to walking out this point of energy movement within my entire body I know I can break this seal, the moment I can realize for real how to make progress in walking this point out I'll be set.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to experience myself making progress of this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire the satisfaction of seeing this point out breathe by breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this point of energy movement within myself being gone and me not being able to say goodbye.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore everything I've shown myself about how drastically improved my life can become once I walk this point out, because I've formed an emotional dependency on this point.

Why does this point of energy movement within myself give me comfort emotionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my life and what it will be like once I transcend what I've created within myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself o dear having nothing to possess within myself to the caliber of this particular point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my comprehension of who and what I'll be once I can walk this particular point out.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let my transcendence of this point be limited to my consciences where I realize is where this point originated from.

There are ways I can consciously walk this point out, but the actual walking and responsibility needs to be placed on myself as self movement and not my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind to walk this point out when my mind benefits from keeping this point alive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to walk this point out as I've seen how it can benefit myself tremendously to walk this point out and I realize my body is itching to do so, so why am I turning it into a matter of conscience effort.

I've been taking the same approach of walking this point out as I have been to have created it.

If everything else I've been doing has been to pave way for this point to be walked out then I'm now in a position to do so.

And in considering this is just one of a handful of times I've actually directly addressed this point and not just trimmed it up or cleared room for me to focus on it, then I can see myself reaching the point of progress in each breathe which I'm seeking, and if that's not what will suffice I already have an idea of where I'd have to take things from there forward.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to constantly approach stopping this point the same way I created it instead of sitting down and resolving it in self honesty as I'm seeing is the only possible conceivable way.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not realize any conscience effort to resolve this point that I don't realize as actually working and progressing is just me coping.

So right here, right now, just give me the tools and potential to resolve this matter.

I'm considering that it might not be something I can consciously walk out breathe by breathe, but something I will walk breathe by breathe on a deeper part of myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to withhold the part of myself capable of walking this point out from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand one and equal to the part of myself capable of walking this point out.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear actually moving myself and not just consciencely insighting the problem to be even worse.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I stand to lose if I take this step with myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry because in my mind I see how it will all play out perfectly, but I realize this goes beyond any conceptions of perfection I've ever made and lived this far in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to take Everything I see and realize here and just put it to the ultimate test without any half measures.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear what this point represent as taking my life into action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I can keep putting up reasons to resist this point, but I realize I'm ready to shut down all the clatter and just take things into action and accountability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it unclear of what I'm missing to take that extra little push that I need.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest about this point because I'm so desperate to resolve it.

If I can do it then do it, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fabricate more reasons to hold myself back in relationship to walking this point out for good.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back from taking my life to the next level in relationship to this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the strength which I realize I can easily posses to knock this point of energy moving within me in each breathe out in each breathe.

I forgive myself tbsg I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the strength to make progress in relationship to this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make things easier on myself by holding back in relationship to this point and letting myself consciencely sort it out.

I realize it isn't making things easier on me to let this point continue any further.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing the emotional gratification I get in participating and insighting this point within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go against the direction I realize is best for myself when I hold onto this antiquated point within myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to becoming addicted to the stimulation of focusing and interacting with anf moving this energy within myself.

I'm very close.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop working and walking out this point when I'm tired as I realize only my mind wants to give up when I'm tied, but I want more then that.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge how ugly things could get in taking on this point any further as I realize things have already gotten ugly enough that nothing can possibly get much worse, and even if it did it shouldn't make a difference.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consciencely restrict my bodies ability to walk out this point as I realize my body could use a little more breathing room in working with this point.

I could almost say that's it, but I need a little more.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to settle for the bare minimum in relationship to progressing on this point as I realize the sooner the better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pass up a once in a life time opportunity to walk this point out in a exhilarating stimulating roller-coaster ride, apposed to a slow tedious process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having the thrill of walking this point out for myself at a productive and exuberant fashion.

I forgive myself that i have avveored and allowed myself to fear coming out of the other side of this thing too fast as I realize I'm fearing my memories, but what I'm living in reality has never looked anything like my memories outside of when I go into total fear time loops.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being stuck in the same old position I was in to begin with after walking this point out but only having made my life a little bit harder for me.

I forgive myself that I have avveored and allowed myself to require the crutch of this energy moving within myself as I realize the unpredsidented power of living my life without this crutch is something I'm going to have to face one way or another.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being in a position of power within myself once I transcend this point as I realize all my fear of power comes from my memories and does not reflect in any way what I'm capable of now in his junction of time, I just prefer the power I held within my fantasy within my memories and dreams.

I forgive myself that I have avveored and allowed myself to not realize I'm the destroyer when faced with my memories of power as I can see the fear and have no doubt of the abuse and misalignment I was participating in within the past through my memories of the word power as fantasy.

When and as I see myself not directing this point of movement within myself, I stop, I breathe, and I realize the power it takes to walk this point out is easily available within me, thusly I commit myself to progress towards walking this point out of energy moving within me in each breathe not on a conscious level, but as self movement in each breathe.

Day 184

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be totally here and direct in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being limited to not have my mind constantly moving and distracting me when I'm here in awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as limited because I can't see the hardware and how it's operating within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as needing to see and understand what's moving within me to simply be able to recognize it as a misalignment and making a direct change in my living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel emotionally lost when placing myself here focused and aware in each breathe without being distracted by everything moving within me because I feel lonely without the company of everything moving within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I'm compromising everything within my living just to have a feeling of reward as companionship within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize in placing myself here focused directive and aware in each breathe I am here, I am my own companion, just not through some sentimental feeling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not focus and place myself within awareness in each breathe because I prefer the sentimental emotional friendship of letting my mind go off the rails.

When and as I see myself not wanting to be here focused and aware not participating within the parts of my mind which separate me form being here and fucntioning as what's best for life, I stop, I breathe, I realize that the emotional fear of being present is just a personality defect, thusly, I commit myself to overcome my personality defect by forcing myself to be here focused aware and not participating within the parts of my mind which I currently realize I can stop participation with to be more aware of myself and directive in my living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed that I have a fat belly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to not stand as one and equal to my belly as I realize how separating myself from my belly is creating a lot of conflict and consequences for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself because I always perceived myself as better then ever becoming fat and complacent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disgusted when I look at my stomach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept my body as who I am and move forward and work accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like it's unfair that I've grown a little fat because I've always had such a good metabolism.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my metabolism for having failed me as I've grown older.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not cooperate with my body as it is because I've defined myself by something I'm not and refuse to let go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the belief that my body was better then succumbing to all the crappy food and laziness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a lesser being then what I'd always imagined myself to be as just being naturally fit and in shape.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself with ideas I created in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be shocked by my misconceptions of what my body is capable of, as I realize I just used the assumption that I would always have a great metabolism to avoid facing the consequences of not eating well and exercising.

When and as I see myself not wanting to face my body as one and equal as who I am, I stop, I breathe, I realize that in looking at my body I can see how warped my ideas of myself and my body has been growing up, thusly, I commit myself to form a new relationship and understanding
with my body that is more self honest and in touch with reality.

Day 183- Process of Improvement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the ability to release whatever I need to be releasing in self forgiveness.

I forgive myseld that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into desperation in reaction to not being able to convince of something to write out in self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself hostage in my mind not allowing something to come through into self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spiral tons of diffrent things to write out in my head but dismiss them all as being not that one special enlightening point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek a point that will allow me to transcend my living day to day into the being I'd like to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pry into my mind not seeking self honesty but something I can take and apply to move myself better in my day to day living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold my day to day moment to moment functioning and capacity over anything else.

All I want is to master my day to day moment to moment breathe by breathe living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that ever day is a fight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that the journey to self perfection is so excruciating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I have no choice but to keep going.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that I'm not getting enough done in my writing to change myself.

I forgive myseld that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to give up because if i can't atleast perfect my breathe by breathe day by day living then I cannot do anything.

I've been trying to pick apart all these different things moving and diffrent points and trying to figure out how to move myself in each moment to be the best I can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear fighting against the current.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the moments I sit down to write self forgiveness won't suffice against everything that I build up in a single day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that nothing I do will matter.

So when I sit down and I'm trying to improve my day to day living  again, like every other day, I respond to the thought of what does it matter?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to only trying to improve my day to day living.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to forget that no matter what point I open up within myself for self forgiveness it will improve my day to day living as taking me another step towards living  and creating the life I need to become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to steer my self forgiveness to completely be focused on my day to day living and improvement instead of letting it roll out natrually.

When and as I see myself obsessing over improving myself, I stop, I breathe, I realize what will obsessing help? Thusly, I commit myself to in each breathe not concern myself with imporving entirely as my central point, but to instead begin expanding.

Why expand instead of improve my life in each moment?

Why have I made improvement so important to me?

What's wrong with me that needs such endless improvement?

Why I have judged myself as needing such relentless improvement in each breathe.

What about how self honest can I be?

How well i can listen?

How patient can I be?

How well can I work and cooperate with my body?

How have I in focusing entirely on the point of improving my day to day living and to guarantee tomrrow is better then today have I actually been setting myself back.

How have I limited my capacity to expand by only citing my day to day breathe by breathe living as being what matters.

What else matters?

Can I make tomrrow worse?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making tomrrow worse for myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to settle for, 'As long as tomrrow is better then today then nothing else matters'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing why I view myself as needing so much improvement constantly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define improvement as making each day better and better for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider what I'm doing in my writing and what it means and represent because all that matters is that it improves me one way or another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not alleviate instead of improve.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not relax instead of improve.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be stable instead of improved.

I've hit a dead end in trying to constantly improve my day.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not have fun instead of trying to improve.

I forgive myseld that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be smooth instead of trying to improve my day to day.

I forgive myseld that i have accepted and allowed myself to only focus on the improving part of self perfection.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to limit what self improvement means.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only be driven by self improvement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not expand my driving force.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize enjoying as self improvement.

What's my current self improvement?

Be more focused, be more precise, be stronger, be more efficient, be more silent, be more powerful, be more direct.

I want to stop the process I've been waking, I want to walk a different process now.

I want to just enjoy, I want to walk the path of enjoyment for a while, I don't want to improve anything, I just want to enjoy what I have on my hands.

I forgive myseld that i have accepted and allowed myself to define my process by clutching to an idea and forcing it through to the end.

I forgive myself rhat I have accepted and allowed myself to not see my process from a grander scale of self revelation and freedom.

I forgive myseld that i have accepted and allowed myself to need something to drive and force into my living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need my process and to be infallible and unquestionable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the path I've been trying to walk as not being perfect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not finding anymore strength in perfection.

When and as I see myself trying to clutch and drive myself to perfection as improvement, I stop, I breathe, I realize the point of improvement has become a pint of obsession, thusly, I commit myself to in each breathe seek to do anything but improve to give myself some distance from all the constant improving so I can see it for what it is.

182- Opening a Chest

I want to open up a new point within me because it would be refreshing instead of dealing with the stale and difficult to open points I have constantly rattling me, yet hard to reach into, so I open the chest to see what's inside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear opening up a new point within my breathe to breathe living and expression because I fear opening up something overwhelming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for wanting to open up more points within my breathe to breathe living as a new deep point that is there within each breathe, not just something triggered by reactions but something that can be seen in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for wanting to explore and work with new points within myself when I have an endless amount of points to address in just the past hour, not including the entire day, and not including everything that I didn't see or notice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in judging myself not take a step back to realize writing about what supports me is vital in giving me the strength of self to be able to sit down and nit pick and grind into all the tedious endless little things coming up within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by my perception of what is most important to be writing self forgiveness on as I realize going against what I believe to be the most vital or important thing allows me to see how I can become full of myself with ideas like what is the most important things to write self forgiveness for, in this case 'I shouldn't be looking for new interesting things and instead should address what is already coming up within my mind on principle because it's better to address what's boring and already here then what's interesting and new'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force myself into a box when I don't in self honesty see that the path of what is right and wrong in self forgiveness really applies to me very much when I need to be able to keep exploring the concepts and working certain things out within my life.

When and as I see myself judging writing about a new point instead of an old point as being wrong, I stop, I breathe, I realize I don't know what I'm doing in a sense, and as such I should be deliberately exploring new ideas to try to really open up self forgiveness and process and what's best for life until I can stand for my definitions in my living without any doubt, thusly, I commit myself to remain focused here and not influenced by my mind confusing me when I'm trying to do self forgiveness about a new point within me, I commit myself to explore points within me that go totally against what i would normally do to question my current conceptions of self forgiveness and self honesty.

I can't think of any deep moment to moment deep mental thing that I'm looking for, because I'm too much in my consciences bubble where I really don't want to have to deal with more new points on top of all the old points I've been well aware of and trying to slowly chip away at.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that bringing awareness to new points in my life can give me a lot of fresh energy and fresh experience to work with, which my mind likes, and I like because it helps me in my day to day living, and also helps me have more perspective on myself and more to write about in self forgiveness.

Opening up new points can be like an all around fresh breathe of air, which would be great right now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear opening up an unknown point as being too intense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exploring the intensity of my matrix, as I realize how intense it can be to work, to be alive, to be existing on earth as life is already intense from a physical stand point, how dangerous could going into my mind be by comparison?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that what I see of myself and my general outline I've learnt about myself is all I am, and there isn't any new deep point that I'm seeking within myself.

I realize I see new things come up within me all the time so that just represents something that is misguided.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misguide myself from discovering some deep hidden point within myself that I don't want myself to become aware of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that there isn't a secret point to discover, but instead just a point I've always be aware of on a deep level just never paid attention to, which is just a matter of prying into my memories.

I've caught a new point.

Something I've been aware of for a long time, but just never paid much attention to or address.

Here's the point,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how my internal experience is reflected onto the world around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how my internal experience is reflected even into how I visibly see the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how I see the world around me in complete disconnect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that whatever how I see the world around me says about the condition I'm in within myself speaks volumes to my illness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how sick I must be within myself to see the world around me in such a sick disconnected way lacking compassion are caring about life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as life for being able to sink so low to the point that often times people don't look alive to me, I just see deeper bizarre elements coming from the mind and maybe genetics or something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to no just see the world around me as one and equal, where I would say why look so deeply into things and not learn or change or forgive in myself, why see so deeply into reality just to abuse myself and others accordingly?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see deeply into things only to give myself a special power to give myself my special form of abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience pride of not regretting how I've manipulated myself so much that it's coming though my eyes and bleeding out into how I see the world around me.

Why be proud of how I've learnt to perceive the world around me in a warped way?

If I had reached that point through opening it up to directly do self forgiveness on like I am now, then it would be an act of self responsibility and self exploration, but I would just enjoy looking deeply into things to be a cunt, which is pretty funny, I get how it's cool to have a special ability, but I can also see how it's deeply compensating and suppressing a lack of fulfillment in my life and a need to have a special deep experience of life different from what I imagine other's experiencing, but I don't know what other's experience.

Sometimes in interacting with others it can be of putting because it's like I'm looking in from the outside at this picture of the other person that just doesn't seem to be real, so I was looking for a deep moment to moment breathe to breathe point, and visual perception and awareness is an interesting direction I would not have guessed because that is every breathe, even when I close my eyes it's not just pure black, there's always something moving behind my eyes, in dreams, in closing my eyes I can see see my mind and things moving.

How I see things around me is a reflection of myself, so I find myself not caring because it's just a reflection of myself there's not much to be done, but I could be learning and seeing what does this disconnect from reality showing me about myself?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care about what my perception is reflecting back to me about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care that my perception is never what I'd like to make it, as reflecting me living what I'd like to be living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care that what I think of others and my perceptions of who other's are is totally and completely condensed and automatic and beyond my direct equal living control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what my perceptions of the world around me show about me as being totally programmed in how I see and experience the world around me at all times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not use my perceptions of reality as a reference point to live and direct me within my world, as I've realized lots of different things as reference points, how I perceive reality should be a reference, that the world around me looks like it does and is experienced as it is through me at this moment should be something I stand by to guide me to see that I'm warped and something needs to be done, to see that my life is going in a warped direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by my perceptions of reality, as I realize I've been looking at reality from a lens of distortion my entire life, and I can see that it is growing worse as I continue to resist putting the pierces together, I realize everyday grants me a new gift, a new wind of self movement to continue pushing myself in the direction, a new direction.

So this is a fer out point, so that's the thing about a new point, I have to start on the surface, I can't dive into this point just yet.

When and as I see myself fearing my perception of existence, I stop, I breathe, I realize my perception of existence
is just reflecting how I've separated myself from existence within my mind, thusly, I commit myself to stare as deeply into the void as I feasibly can, because it won't hurt me and I can only gain from doing so as long as i continue to take things back in self forgiveness and self honesty, so there's the risk that I don't, but I have to take that risk and trust myself because it's a risk moved by me in self honesty.

Day 181- A Very Obscure Point

This point is very obscure, and it's crazy to think about because I've taken excessively obscure points within myself and successfully rooted them out and given them words despite being totally crazy to put onto paper, but this point it's like it's such a part of me, a part of my soul that I can't see into it, so I just start with warming myself up, not specific not precise not focused, but just taking the first step that I need to take to address something I realize is important to address within my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to contain my mind giving myself the impression of stopping the parts of my mind that I want to stop as bringing back to myself as living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to settle for the imitation of stopping my mind when I'm just basically focusing and meditating to give myself serenity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let my mind go and be chaotic and see where it goes and let it go far out.

Because what I can take back to myself in my living I will, but what I can't stop because I haven't applied the self forgiveness and commitments, it then doesn't matter and I need to support myself by evening things out.

I've spent so much energy suppressing my mind, but now I need to let it be free, what I can change will be changed by myself on principle, but everything else is a matter of learning and supporting myself and others.

The point is my mind will do what it's programmed to do, I need to leave it alone and focus on being here and breathing and not worrying about what my mind is up to all the time.

I think one thing to mention is how I've always had loads and loads of ideas about my personal process and what to be doing in my life, but as of recently I've never had such a palpable comprehensive grasp on what I'm doing within my process and what my goals are and how everything comes together so this really is the time for me to create and express and explore and to test what I'm realizing so far.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest about how my mind and how my mind operates creates energy within me separate from me being here moving myself as energy as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that because I create energy within my mind which affects my living and my body that I need to be in constant control and directing my mind all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the energy produced within my mind as bad and having a bad affect on my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how difficult it is to control the energy within me through controlling my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to control my mind so I can stop myself from feeling energetically all over the place and not able to live a certain type of energy which is more stable within my living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only focus on a certain aspect of my living for so long that I lost control of other parts of my living by giving them no attention.

There's a part of myself I need to take back.

I have an idea of how to take back this part of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear just letting everything go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear putting in no effort and just letting everything play out on it's own within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress an entire spectrum of information and understanding of myself by not just letting everything play out on it's own and not interjecting my projection of having stopped anything when I'm not in a position to be stopping very much, I'm in a position to be studying and learning and applying myself in self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that no matter what angle I come at things from no matter how much effort I put into myself I cannot reach where I'd like to be within myself.

Again I have to remind myself how much time I spent in walking my process in an endless cycle, in not utilizing my writing and speaking of self forgiveness and correction application, I have to remind myself as much as I feel so helpless and conflicted over what I'm referring to within myself, it's only been such a short amount of time that I've found myself actually confronting things for real in self forgiveness and corrective application.

So this along with a lot of other things, the more effort I put into writing self forgiveness and corrective application, the more specific I can become, the more I can understand what's going one, the more I can accomplish in my living outside of my writing.

So the experience of this point is too much for me, is really this point has been too much for me in the past, and I realize the difference from now vs the past is the speaking of self forgiveness and corrective application where I'm actually digging into the matter and creating a solution for real in living outside of the endless cycles of the mind.

So already a word comes up, more then I could say for any amount of effort outside of self forgiveness.

The word is shifty, I feel energetically shifty and unstable like everything within me is programmed energetically and I cannot move myself.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as helpless in relationship to this point, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as helpless instead of just diving in with everything I have within myself to get to the bottom of this situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not put everything I have into this point instead of letting it drive me up the wall.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not put everything I have into this point because I've just been waiting for it to resolve itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand as one and equal to this point within my stomach by waiting for it to resolve itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not put the energy into resolving and coming to terms with this point within myself.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit around feeling helpless and restless in relationship to the energy within myself in my stomach instead of turning myself around and doing something about the situation from within myself here as the physical.

This point is really griefing me right now, but it's important to let that come out and to write about it so I can put it into words, which all I can do right now is energy and stomach and shifty and some of the things that trigger it within me.

When and as I see this point coming up within me, I stop, I breathe, I realize what this point is and reflects within me, thusly, I commit myself to let this point come out more within my life, I commit myself to let this point influence me more in my life, I commit myself to in each breathe bring this point out as much as I can so that the next time I sit down to write about it I'll have more information, I'll be able to specify it, and won't be shooting in the dark as much and can actually start practically breaking this point down for myself.

So with this point feeling so stuck within me, and feeling like it's in my stomach, it draws a lot out to being related to constipation symbolically or possibly directly, so I want to make sure I address that directly because there's no reason to skirt around constipation or bowl movements in this kind of writing, but at this point just drawing that similarity
out and that symbolism out is good enough for the time being.

Day 180- Relentless Paranoia

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question the underlying nature of my paranoia.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the possibility of a thought or idea as being potentially true thus worth validating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to validate paranoia instead of questioning the underlying nature of paranoia.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into and value my paranoia because it would be very bad for me if my paranoia were true and I did not do something to protect myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear putting myself out on a limb and just living and expressing something within my life because I fear potential or completely fabricated consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not draw a healthy line between living and dying where I can't stay inside all day to stay alive, but I can't go outside when there is a tornado just because it might not come my direction.

I don't get tornadoes where I live, but it's an analogy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place a worst outcome on everything in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live in common sense and principles where I don't need to plan for the worst most unforeseen thing occurring I just need to direct myself regardless of what happens.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize predicting the worst possible outcome and if it were true or not doesn't matter because there's no guarantee.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let paranoia dominate my mind when this doesn't support me in my living, it just makes it so I act on fear and accept fear of shadows as valid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to validate my fear of shadows as fear of what could possibly be within my mind when I give in and allow my actions and self movement to be based on paranoia.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on paranoia within my living where I'm depriving myself from self movement as self trust.

Paranoia is hard to write about, because it is so deep within me where I can see how I make decisions based on paranoia, I let my perception of reality be based on paranoia, I give myself totally to paranoia and give it meaning and value very directly it's a prominent thing for me that will take a long time to start being able to practically work with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately give into my paranoia as to not take any chances instead of just breathing and slowing down and taking myself back to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize in common sense if a situation were so dire that I needed to so immediately act and move myself as I do within paranoia then my life would be in great immediate danger, while my paranoia's are usually irrational after taking a few breathes and just a minor annoyance in reality if manifested as true.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as a feral beast with no compassion or remorse who acts souly and immediately on self interest as fear and paranoia beyond anything else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care about how paranoia effects my ability to reasonably live and function when I really don't care, because what paranoia represents to me is protecting myself at all costs no matter how potentially invalid the threat is.

All I care about is the idea of looking out for myself and protecting myself from bumps in the night, and I take this pride within that selfish self righteous nature, but when looking at my memories of paranoia I know that I'm just being in stable, I know that I'm not directing myself and letting myself to influenced for no good reason, I know that I'm holding back my potential to live and express myself every time paranoia comes up and reaps havoc on my mind and body leaving me lost and empty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in love with the idea of protecting myself above anything else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find power in only considering my own well being to a fault.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how much of life and living I miss out on when I'm just putting myself into situations where I can feel justified in only thinking about my own self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge acting on my own self interest as being bad, as I realize an equal money system is my self interest, and that's something that I should be working towards, in an equal money system it would be like a fantasy utopia, me personally having tons of money would be a utopia for just one person so wouldn't be real, and the joy and pleasure from only taking care of myself would be from my mind as separation as not taking physical living into consideration one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the truth that I can always view myself as in a situation where my only option is to take care of myself and not consider anyone else, but it's in letting my guard down and expressing myself and putting myself on a limb and drawing the line where that's appropriate that I get to expand and create and express myself where I'm not always busy on the run from my own ghost.

I can see the big personality program component here of putting myself into a situation in my own mind where I'm at risk, allows me to in my mind justify only considering myself and not feeling responsible for anyone else, which opens up a few other elements and shows how intricate and specific this program is to the point where I it's right on the tip of my
touge while when it happens it's like it's real and is the reality of the entire world even though it was just one moment in time fear is so impact in living and affecting living and to me that's why it's experience is equally intense.

When and as I see myself going into paranoia within my mind, I stop, I breathe, I realize if I let this paranoia continue to grow and impact me it will further impact my living and decision making and thus grow equally more intense and impact when it arisen, thusly, I commit myself to begin living my forgiveness as realizing life requires risk in each moment, thusly I commit myself to slow down in breathe and take my paranoia back to living in not allowing it to affect my living and decisions and to be me as myself making my decisions not me making decisions based on paranoia.

I commit myself to see how far I can go in making direct deliberate decisions not based on paranoia when paranoia arises, to give me the information I need to show me what makes or breaks me, instead of just automatically giving into paranoia where I can't see anything except for my own self intrest above actual living and expressing.

Day 179- Over Active Mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take everything zooming and booming within my mind and apply it within myself as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my overactive mind go to waste in not applying it to support the physical living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bother applying my mind because I don't know how to apply my mind here in my living through myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize myself as a creator as being able to simply create and manifest within my sphere of influence where if I see my mind running around being crazy and not accomplishing anything with all of it's energy and potential I realize as a creator I can take that potential and give it direction in living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to produce so much energy and so much consciences and so much mind activity yet not utilize any of it to support myself within my living, hence to not support life as one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my mind run around in separation as all these feelings and movements and images and colors instead of taking it to the flesh and to living to be applied as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the illusion of freedom growing up that I'm free to let my mind roam and to not direct it and channel it into myself as my living because my freedom as an American was to do whatever I wanted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build stress within my body where my mind is racing and I physically cannot keep up with everything it's producing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to produce within my mind more than I can keep up with and direct as myself within the physical.

I could have a thought, I'm going to go to the park, and then go to the park, and that's keeping up with my mind, but instead it's unpractical irrelevant thoughts and emotions and feelings all going 100 miles an hour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take all of the potential I have within my mind and channel it into my living into the physical as standing one and equal to all the potential I have within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to stand one and equal to my mind because I define standing as one and equal as the physical to be limited, because to create more then what is here I've defined as special, as better, I realize, what if it's in fact just an illusion, a sickness, a symptom of my madness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to stand as one and equal to all the potential within my mind as the physical because I have a bias that tells me that dreaming and imagination and emotions and feelings are better then the physical.

But I look at myself and who I am here as this moment, even after all I've done in working towards improving, do I really at this point not realize within myself that what's being produced in the mind currently is an illusion and is dangerous.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my bias affect me on an emotional level of influence when I can clearly see for real beyond my bias so I need to forgive and let go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program the bias of dreams over physical reality so that I would not be able to reason with myself but just go immidetely into an emotional reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in each moment with this dormant program waiting constantly as the potential to emotionally influence me if I ever challenged my mind as being incorrect within it's current program.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize in looking back into my memories I can see where I've been misguide and can forgive my programming so there's no reason to continue letting all these programs of limitation keep running up space within me.

My overactive mind is busy running programs that I've deemed more valuable then standing one and equal as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge any program being run within my mind as being beyond standing one and equal to the physical, as I realize I'm going to find out if my mind and it's programs are standing one and equal as the physical eventually, so I'd rather find out now then later.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there is anything I can get away with within my mind as not standing one and equal to the physical, as I realize I can get away with plenty of things for a little while, but then the consequences only grow more severe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obsess over for example my dreams and how pretty they are, but then ignore how I wake up feeling horrible, showing me how I focus in on the good, and not the bad, which becomes my bias for not standing one and equal as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take my over active mind back to myself within my living because I've created a bias of only looking at the good I view within my mind and letting myself emotionally be influenced by that without seeing equally the bad as a reason to take the good and the bad back to myself in my living.

When and as I see my mind as energy and perception and conciseness being overactive, I stop, I breathe, I realize there's no good reason my mind should be overactive yet not being here as myself as utilizing my mind to support life, thusly, I commit myself to take my mind back to the physical in living when I see it running crazy as I realize that I'm being fooled, and toyed with to be letting my mind run a muck without utilizing and bringing my mind into living as myself.

With how active my mind is, sometimes I have to put in extra effort, or a lot of effort, to just be here breathing living and expressing to the best of my ability, sometimes it's much simpler and doesn't require much from me directly, but I need to find a better balance between what occurs naturally and when I need to put in direct deliberate effort into directing myself within my living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to find an amount of effort I need to put into each moment of my existence and just be able to settle for that for the rest of time, which in looking at it in introspection and self honesty is ridiculous, I should just be trying to form a natural more smoothed amount of balance between what comes naturally like my heart beat, or breathing, or my eyes blinking, and what requires more effort like making plans and then doing my plans or directing certain things within myself that require immidete attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to find a perfect groove within each breathe so I can just zone out within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to find a groove of effort to put into each breathe and each moment I'm here having to exist so I can just be at peace and zone out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend so much effort trying to find the perfect amount of effort to become a groovy zen master within myself, when I realize there's no perfect spot to get into a perfect groove and just stay there life is crazy and unpredictable on earth and requires me to change and adapt and be alert, so become groovy isn't so simple.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold being zened out and chilled out constantly as being my highest point of existence within me as I realize it wouldn't be my highest point of existence, but it could be my most supportive form of existence.

What about being zen and chilled out constantly represent to me?

It's like being able to detach, to just do what needs to be done and to fully and excessively enjoy the task at hand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize myself as from my being being able to direct how much energy is required of me to directly or naturally address taking back and standing within relationship to everything within me at any given moment.

Where I can see where being zen and chilled out can be applied in living where you just do what needs to be done, and enjoy it, it's just a matter of what it takes to apply myself in each moment, how much energy it takes in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for a balance point of being chilled out and zen outside of myself as realizing and creating that balance for and as and within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that being chilled out in practical living as one and equal to the physical is something I have to realize and define for myself through and as my being.

When and as I see myself struggling to balance how much energy as how much direct effort I must put into each moment with everything included in each moment, I stop, I breathe, I realize that there is no finite definition of how much effort direct or natural
that needs to be applied in each moment and that it is for me as a being to sculpt and direct that balance into something that will stand one and equal to the physical to do what needs to be done and sometimes I realize that means you need to just chill out so, thusly, I commit myself to realize the balance needed to be chilled out within my living application in each breathe.

Day 178- Conscience Direction vs Self Direction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize myself as progressing in each breathe. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I'm just wasting my time when I'm not writing self forgiveness, as I realize myself as always expanding and learning and existing. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view myself as progressing too slowly within my process because I have an idea of what I want to be in my living that I'm not. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize myself as progressing within each breathe. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not move and direct myself as progress in each breathe. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for progress to arrive within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define directing myself as the progress I'd like to see within myself as being too much work. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never view myself as having progressed in any way within my lifetime. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not view my life as progressing towards anything, but instead idly waiting for something to come into existence. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself in the direction of progression, where instead I'm just idling and waiting to fall back on old patterns. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to be the progress I'd like to see within myself because I'm not standing as one and equal to exertion. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only exert myself when I feel forced to like at school or at work, but to always do the least amount possible within myself anytime I can. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize exertion is part of living, and that as much as in my mind I'd like to be slug or some kind of snake or worm that can just slither and slime it's way through life as far as the physical goes I'm not slimy and I stand on two feet and I have to exert myself to function. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define exertion as an extremely bad thing, like why put in any effort? 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define putting in effort as being bad. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to things coming naturally for me or just not bothering and not caring. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not put any effort within myself to progress in each breathe as an expression of myself as the physical because I'd have to put myself out on a limb. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to put myself out on a limb in exerting myself to make progress in my life, because I define myself as not caring about what happens to anyone or anything. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear rising above my predisposition of not caring and to put myself out on a limb and exert myself to create progress within myself as an expression of myself in each breathe. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not exert myself because good things come to those who wait. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care here and now because it will all come together eventually anyways, why put in any effort. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from me being the one directing and creating my life when I split myself up within not caring, as not caring to stand one and equal to what I create. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to not stand one and equal to what I create when I split myself up within my mind as not caring about putting in effort and standing as my creation, and then caring when things go wrong because I wasn't putting in the effort. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize myself as standing as one and equal to making an effort within myself when I try to consciously manipulate myself into putting in an effort, instead of realizing it as myself and then directing myself as one and equal to living the word effort here in each breathe. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overthink me living and expressing the effort it takes to exist and to be here as the physical, as I realize living the word effort in each breathe goes beyond my minds current comprehension. 

When and as I see myself lacking progress within myself and experiencing myself as being idle, I stop, I breathe, I realize I have to put in an effort within and as myself as the physical in each breathe to be and realize myself as the effort it takes to make progress within myself, thusly, I commit myself to put in the effort of making and living the word progress within myself in each breathe as a part of me as being expressed as the physical without my mind as conciseness complicating me in directing my commitment as myself. 

This reminds me of something I wanted to address. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put a high value on consciences directing me within myself because conciseness is awareness. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view conscience awareness of my mind and everything moving within me as being valuable and worth something. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have this valuable thing as awareness of my mind and let it just do it's own thing without any oversight. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not enforce and instruct my mind and conscience awareness as my mind within the physical where reality can be put up front and center as what is valuable as being the source of life of which the mind can exist and then supporting that life, so using the mind and conciseness as a tool to support life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep my conciseness separated from standing as one with the physical because my mind is special when it's separated. 

I realize this special experience I have in relationship to my mind as pushing my mind far away from me here as the physical is a delusion, I'm just manipulating my ability to function here in the name of feelings which aren't rooted in the physical, but in the mind. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define what consciences becomes as one and equal as the physical as being boring because it's not special it's equal. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize having a special mind makes me special at the cost of a much more difficult life then to just take my mind back to myself here in my living. 

When and as I see myself creating myself as special within my mind as conciensly existing and directing myself in separation, I stop, I breathe, I realize this being special as consciousness isn't worth the cost of my inability to function properly due to being so clouded within myself from real awareness, thusly, I commit myself to in each breathe take my conciseness here as the physical, where I can see my consciousness moving about, but in breathing and being here I can direct it to remain stable and secure as one and equal as the physical.