Day 168- Deal With the Devil

Everyday lately comes down to one point for me.

From when I wake to when I go to bed, it's all about everything moving within me.

Every breathe I take convoluted by this experience.

It's excruciating, what else can I do but keep trying to address this misalignment within me.

I can't even ease myself into it, I just have to keep moving myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not going to have the resolve within myself to get to the bottom of what I experience in every single breathe and every moment as these strings and energy movement experiences I have.

I realize, I'm only just beginning to have the force of will to put this experience into words and Forgiveness, I've been delusional in thinking I could deal with this experience without self forgiveness, and I'm just recently realizing the only way to resolve this constant movement within me is self forgiveness.

With that being taken into consideration I realize I can already see relative progress since I've realized the need to forgive myself within my relationship to this experience, and the realization that forgiveness is the only way to do so.

So it's just an emotional reaction to how difficult it is to face and sit down with this presence this possession which I experience as threads of energy moving all about my body and mind.

I realize there's no reason to get emotional thinking I'm not making progress, when I've only just begun to apply myself in a way where progress can be made.

That I'm facing so much resistance right now means I'm doing it right.

The key word is movement.

It's moving constantly these strings, strings of energy I can't relate back to anything but breathe, there's no thought attached, there's no emotion directly attached, there's no reaction attached, there's no picture except for the picture in my mind where I can in my mind's eye see this movement because I can see how it looks like strings of energy moving and pulsing throughout me.

This is what I spent two years giving purpose to instead of sticking with my self forgiveness written and spoken, and right now I deeply resent what I've created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent creating something so separated from who I am as life, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my emotions cloud the fact that what I've created as this presence within me is what it took for me to realize this is it, self forgiveness and commitment statements are my life now, and I've gifted myself with this demon inside of me, so that I would have no doubts, no remorse, no question that I'm walking with Desteni to the grave, that whenever I go, whatever I have available to me that self forgiveness is what I'm going to be working towards no matter what.

So I wish I could have made that commitment and realization towards self forgiveness sooner, in a simpler way, without having to face some of the things I have, but I commit myself to put the past where it belongs and to just deal with what I have left on my hands here.

With some key components cleared up for the time being, I need to get in there again.

Starting from the surface; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give power to the energy I experience moving within myself.

The power is I can't direct myself without it's presence, I can't get up, I can't sleep, I can't work, I can't speak, I can't breathe without it there every step of the way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not believe I'm strong enough to direct myself in each breathe unmoved by this specific energy experience.

I don't know what it is, I don't have the knowledge of all the deep layers of existence to pinpoint it, so I call it what it is to me, the experience of energy moving like a snake through and as my conscience mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be complete within even a single breathe without my attention being brought upon this movement within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself only brief moments not even outside of one single in or out breathe where I can be still within myself without this movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to curse my existence with a stain upon each breathe, as if to say, I'm owned in each breathe, i will not receive a single breathe gifted with my presence here untouched, as each breathe is stained by the presence of this energy.

I've seen how I can pin point how it's manifested in more than just a single expression, there's the inner wind, the spider in my head, there's the stain in each breathe, some where some how within me, each breathe will be tampered.

In my stomach I can feel it like a pressure.

In my skin I can feel it.

That's the thing that scares me again, just how deeply ingrained it is into my system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my body and my potential to live and create in each breathe, when I choose this energy over self movement as self forgiveness.

Things were weird for me, things were difficult, but this energy promised me the same thing, but it never provided like a dream playing out totally predictable and controlled, in a dream the mind has total control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a deal with the devil instead of just feding up that I knew self forgiveness was the only way, but this energy promised the same forgiveness, but two years going along for the ride, and one day of realizing I'm wasting my time and sitting down and getting myself back on track with self forgiveness, and there was the realization, this is the only way that works for real.

The deal with the devil, was the deal with myself, this is too hard, self forgiveness is too hard, too challenging, too real, I created an alternative without any solution.

That's another key point to be addressed, it's not a secret how this formed and happens the reason it's so prolific in every single breathe.

Not a reaction to anything just a possession so deeply integrated that it inhabits every single moment.

I remember exactly when and how I decided this presence of energy moving with me would be my life, that's why it is the way it is because I've been building and building upon it for years.

I engineered it, I showed it all weak points, how to keep me inline.

I let the vampire in.

The saying about letting a vampire in your home.

This energy is what I lived, my real world mimics this energy to a tee, so precise that it was like I could see the outside within myself, because no matter where I looked all I could see is this energy.

I'm the demon, I'm the vampire, now I'm fessing up hardcore no holds barred, nothing to lose, and I'm sure this energy within me realizes it's time is up so long as I can still speak and breathe self forgiveness.

I've turned the tables on myself.

So quickly that I can now address my creation before it could even have time to predict what was going on.

I started back with Desteni the same time I began experimenting with Heroin, I had shot up heroin and has high when I wrote my first day of my new journey to life.

My hero

Heroin saved me, because it shut down everything, for just long enough I wasn't being moved by this energy, I stopped it for just long enough for me to reassert myself.

That's a backwards thought, where would my life be and how messed up would I be If I hadn't shot up heroin, if I hadn't been saved by my hero, the hero in me.

Drugs aren't a part of my process any longer except for cigarettes which provide a similar stilling and hereness.

It's not a secret or anything my mom knows every single thing I've ever done, I've told her everything in my life. Nothing in my life is a secret to her and that's all that matters.

But in that moment of shooting up, everything went still, and it was all I'd ever dreamt of.

I'm also pretty sure the only people reading my blog are Destonians anyways, but by some bizarre act of fate anyone else is reading, investigate Desteni.org for the love of your life do so.

Even after that incident, that stillness where I became my hero again, and started writing again, I still thought this energy moving within me had the answers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the answer in my life were coming from anything but myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a student guided by my master as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself down, and instead of lifting myself back up, I allowed myself to be held by this energy, and in that way I was blind by the comfort of being held by this energy moving inside of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that other Destonians were stronger and better than me, and that I'd never be able to become anymore than the energy moving inside of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ignorant of the depth and reality which other Destonians have shared online where I could have looked and seen what I'm experiencing is equal to the same struggle with what moves people in each's own individual way.

I was lazy, comfortable in my energetic trance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being too lazy to pull apart all of the strings my life has become defined by, the same strings I can see moving within me in each breathe.

I realize laziness is compulsive, a compromise.

Giving into this energy to figure me out and size me up, was a compulsive act of laziness, something i realize I've been fighting to refute within me throuh working so much and so hard.

 That's everything I need to take on this point, that's the surface level of it.

What do I have to say for myself? I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my utmost potential out of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think the way I live in love and hate could ever serve me as a living being.

At this point, I'm interested in getting to the other side, seeing what else there is to life outside of the cage I've constructed to contain my self interest.

That's the other thing, things won't get better, so I gave up for 2 years wholly to this holy energy which knew me, because it came from me, directly integrated by me throuh me.

No one, no being, no system can account for self forgiveness, that's how I'm going to beat this thing.

You can't talk up self forgiveness, there's no prerequisite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to best self forgiveness through my own path of self righteousness, to go unchallenged and unquestioned.

What's best the best word to describe this energy within me?

Lie

I lay down waiting in prayer that it will all come together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself that this method of energy over self movement and self honesty would ever work out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself that the truth of my nature would come from anything but myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to shut out everything around me so nothing could question the lie as the energy I've been moving in replacement of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dilute everything around me in fear, because every single thing in mu life tells me I'm alone, and this energy better work for me because it's all I'll ever be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have no strength without this energy moving within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to think and understand without this energy moving within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for this energy to resolve itself, instead of me giving myself the resolve to take it back to myself and realize what it's all about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe stopping this energy all at once in a single breathe maintained in each breathe no movement no participation is impossible, because I know it's possible, the moment I die, the last breathe I take this energy will stop then, but if I'm alive, I'm not waiting till death.

Till death do us part.

I commit myself to cut this thing out completely and live whatever life I have left afterwards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to complicate breathing in and breathing out unmoved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to require to be guided into breathing in and breathing out through a trance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my in and out breathe become nothing more than a trance a state of mind easily compromised.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become easily compromised by energy.

When and as I see this energy moving within me in any way whatsoever, when and as I see any energy moving within me whatsoever, I stop, I breathe, I realize I'm more than this, thusly I commit myself to perfect myself in each breathe by not participating with this movement of energy within myself in anyway.

When and as I see the energy moving within me, I stop, I breathe, I realize if I'm competent enough to stop all participation, and if not then thusly, I commit myself to return to the drawing board of self forgiveness and self honesty.