Day 166- Spider in My Head

When I wrote about an energy moving within me, I called it my inner wind, and that summed up to me what I was experiencing.

It seemed extravagant in looking from the outside, but I didn't let that deter me, because putting it into words, being able to see the words that describe this energy what my relationship to it was, and what words it brought up within me, supported me.

So when I say I'm looking at another energy I'm experiencing within me, and I call it the spider in my head, it might make me seem crazy or unstable to others, but I take that back to myself and I realize those words I'm worried about being seen as me by others, is the words that infact very well describe this movement experience I have in my head.

My inner wind was more all over my body, but the spider in my head seems to be more in my head region.

Being worried about being far out there, is something that I need to forgive, something I need to take back to myself, but even before that, just moving myself regardless of my concern of not making sense is a statement that I'm going to do what is going to support me regardless of my emotional reaction to the thought of seeming 'too far out there'.

Saying the spider in my head, helps because it's like putting my experience in words, it stops to me, being a far out experience I can't comprehend, I don't want to self honestly comprehend because I don't want to admit how far out there my mind has become.

The spider in my head intervenes within my breathing pattern.

The spider in my head wants to have control over me directing myself.

I've given this energy experience value.

I've given this energy experience purpose.

I've given this energy experience rights.

In self honesty I shouldn't have, this experience is so far separated from me directing myself in each breathe, because it's so powerful. I've given it so much power.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give power to a nuisance within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the arrival of the spider in my head to go unquestioned.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be powerless in relationship to being trapped in the web of the spider in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the strength and the tools to stop the spider in my head from influencing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get caught within the web that the spider in my head has inherit value that will be beneficial to me, when I have not seen these benefits as being supportive to me breathing and directing myself.

I forgive myself that I have a accepted and allowed myself to not be able to ignore the spider in my head because of how much value I've given to it I give it so much purpose that when I see it moving I stop everything I'm doing to pay attention.

I have seen how I can totally stop my participation to my inner wind, I can be the one breathing for and as myself uninfluenced by my inner wind.

I know I can do the same for this construct/energy movement experience.

The spider in my head is not as constant as mg inner wind was, so I know I can pinpoint it more specifically in what triggers it, and my reactions to it.

The spider in my head however I perceive as more of a direct part of myself, but I can see that it comes out seemingly no where, it just appears, crawls around, spins it's web in my chest, and then disappears back into my head.

I can see right here, this is not me directing myself, I can see my relationship to the spider in my head is that I do not directly move myself, I allow myself to be moved and try to coordinate with that which is moving me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into influence totally of the spider in my head when I allow myself to become unsure of what to do.

I realize what I must do, I have to stop the spider, by stopping it's influence over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be scared to deal with the spider in my head because it can go away and then come back out of no where, but my inner wind energy experience is so constant that it's relatively easier to deal with in comparison.

But that's my commitment to challenge myself.

Dealing with my inner wind has become to seem easy, so instead of becoming complacent I immediately recognize that there is another challenge to conquer.

I commit myself to render the spider in my head irrelevant.

I commit myself to eradicate the spider in my heads influence over me, until it just has been stopped, because it's not being given any more power.

Words, compromise.

I have written about the spider in my head before, and I tried to compromise, but that absolutely will not stand.

I didn't realize at the time, but I was wrong in trying to compromise with this energy experience of movement in my head influencing me and moving me through it's unseen agenda.

I made my decision then, but now I have more understanding of the motives and purpose of the spider.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become tangled in the web of the spider.

Word, puppet.

I'm tangled in the web so the spider can just pull the strings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire the stop the spider all at once, as I realize, just like my inner wind, breathe by breathe I can take my power back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the spider will have a trick under It's sleeve for this very occasion.

I ask myself, directly, does the spider have a trick under It's sleeve?

I created it, so I know it has no trick, the only trick is me tricking myself, but in self honesty that cannot occur.

I tricked myself into thinking I could compromise, I just had to trick myself into thinking what the spider had to offer was in my best interest, the spider in my head can only offer me silk.

Silk still kill

The promise of stillness, the spider in my head only understands stillness through energy consumption, consuming my body and granting me a sense of stillness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise real stillness in each breathe unmoved over the experience of stillness through being moved.

It makes me think about the cigarette, I consume and am granted a sense of stillness, for just a moment.

Dissecting the insect.

In secret.

Secretion

Ceremony

Cerebral

I look at how long I struggled with my inner wind, and how in just taking it apart in words in forgiving it became possible to actually stop participation and take back my self directive principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a secret agreement with the spider as the movement I experience within my head and nerves and chest.

Just as how I didn't want to put into words and admit what I'm experiencing until I directed myself on principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life secretly harboring all the endless strings of thoughts and experiences in my head, because I know I would be deemed insane if anyone could see my mind, and the nonsense and corrosive nature of it, as I looking at it myself in self honesty realize the exact same thing I don't want other's to see in me.

When and as I see myself experiencing the energetic movement of the spider in my head, I stop, I breathe, I diffuse my relationship to the movement and energy and experience by being directive in my breathe, I realize after doing this self forgiveness it will open up new dimension, where if by now I can't direct myself in relationship to the spider in my head, it will reveal what else needs to be faced and forgiven, thusly I commit myself to reinvent who I am without defining myself by the influence the spider has over me, and I commit myself to stop my participation in relationship
to the spider all together without compromise, cooperation, coordination, or conditioning, as I realize if I see myself doing any of these things the spider is still having power.

I realize even if the spider in my head still has power, I can still direct myself just as I realized how to direct myself to not participate with my inner wind, the same can be accomplished, and the rest can come out with the rain.