Day 180- Relentless Paranoia

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question the underlying nature of my paranoia.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the possibility of a thought or idea as being potentially true thus worth validating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to validate paranoia instead of questioning the underlying nature of paranoia.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into and value my paranoia because it would be very bad for me if my paranoia were true and I did not do something to protect myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear putting myself out on a limb and just living and expressing something within my life because I fear potential or completely fabricated consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not draw a healthy line between living and dying where I can't stay inside all day to stay alive, but I can't go outside when there is a tornado just because it might not come my direction.

I don't get tornadoes where I live, but it's an analogy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place a worst outcome on everything in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live in common sense and principles where I don't need to plan for the worst most unforeseen thing occurring I just need to direct myself regardless of what happens.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize predicting the worst possible outcome and if it were true or not doesn't matter because there's no guarantee.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let paranoia dominate my mind when this doesn't support me in my living, it just makes it so I act on fear and accept fear of shadows as valid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to validate my fear of shadows as fear of what could possibly be within my mind when I give in and allow my actions and self movement to be based on paranoia.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on paranoia within my living where I'm depriving myself from self movement as self trust.

Paranoia is hard to write about, because it is so deep within me where I can see how I make decisions based on paranoia, I let my perception of reality be based on paranoia, I give myself totally to paranoia and give it meaning and value very directly it's a prominent thing for me that will take a long time to start being able to practically work with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately give into my paranoia as to not take any chances instead of just breathing and slowing down and taking myself back to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize in common sense if a situation were so dire that I needed to so immediately act and move myself as I do within paranoia then my life would be in great immediate danger, while my paranoia's are usually irrational after taking a few breathes and just a minor annoyance in reality if manifested as true.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as a feral beast with no compassion or remorse who acts souly and immediately on self interest as fear and paranoia beyond anything else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care about how paranoia effects my ability to reasonably live and function when I really don't care, because what paranoia represents to me is protecting myself at all costs no matter how potentially invalid the threat is.

All I care about is the idea of looking out for myself and protecting myself from bumps in the night, and I take this pride within that selfish self righteous nature, but when looking at my memories of paranoia I know that I'm just being in stable, I know that I'm not directing myself and letting myself to influenced for no good reason, I know that I'm holding back my potential to live and express myself every time paranoia comes up and reaps havoc on my mind and body leaving me lost and empty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in love with the idea of protecting myself above anything else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find power in only considering my own well being to a fault.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how much of life and living I miss out on when I'm just putting myself into situations where I can feel justified in only thinking about my own self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge acting on my own self interest as being bad, as I realize an equal money system is my self interest, and that's something that I should be working towards, in an equal money system it would be like a fantasy utopia, me personally having tons of money would be a utopia for just one person so wouldn't be real, and the joy and pleasure from only taking care of myself would be from my mind as separation as not taking physical living into consideration one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the truth that I can always view myself as in a situation where my only option is to take care of myself and not consider anyone else, but it's in letting my guard down and expressing myself and putting myself on a limb and drawing the line where that's appropriate that I get to expand and create and express myself where I'm not always busy on the run from my own ghost.

I can see the big personality program component here of putting myself into a situation in my own mind where I'm at risk, allows me to in my mind justify only considering myself and not feeling responsible for anyone else, which opens up a few other elements and shows how intricate and specific this program is to the point where I it's right on the tip of my
touge while when it happens it's like it's real and is the reality of the entire world even though it was just one moment in time fear is so impact in living and affecting living and to me that's why it's experience is equally intense.

When and as I see myself going into paranoia within my mind, I stop, I breathe, I realize if I let this paranoia continue to grow and impact me it will further impact my living and decision making and thus grow equally more intense and impact when it arisen, thusly, I commit myself to begin living my forgiveness as realizing life requires risk in each moment, thusly I commit myself to slow down in breathe and take my paranoia back to living in not allowing it to affect my living and decisions and to be me as myself making my decisions not me making decisions based on paranoia.

I commit myself to see how far I can go in making direct deliberate decisions not based on paranoia when paranoia arises, to give me the information I need to show me what makes or breaks me, instead of just automatically giving into paranoia where I can't see anything except for my own self intrest above actual living and expressing.