I have gone to great extreme crazy lengths to focus and manipulate this point within myself to never have to actually be self-honest and take real self-responsibility.
I have been fooling myself because within this point it always gives me the opportunity to keep lying about what really needs to be done, it allows me to do whatever the hell I want at any cost to my body, to my people in my life, to the world around me.
I don't know how to explain this point any longer, I have no idea what I have been doing.
No one has been able to sit me down and point out the abuse directly because I have needed to recognize it in my self and be self-honest about it for myself.
This thing I have created I would keep chasing until the world is totally destroyed if I do not actually start intervening with myself.
I don't ask effective questions within Desteni, I don't study the material, I have just been acting as a selfish rouge agent who thinks he is immune or not affected by the rules.
I don't feel angry with myself, I don't regret what I have done or what I have created, but it is very clearly time to start properly aligning myself with Desteni.
The only part of me that wants to be angry at myself is actually the part of me that wants to keep abusing.
The part of me that is ready to surrender to self-honesty to what I really need to start doing in my life is perfectly clear and calm and stable.
I don't judge myself for getting as loud, and as fucked up, and as fucking insane and manipulative as possible because at the end of the day no one in my direct environment has been harmed no on died no one is really going to give a crap if I keep being stupid or start taking things seriously or not. It's just on me for me a point I came to on my own and yet also with the support of those who have been standing for real.
It's time to start actually learning and applying what self forgiveness is and means and how to do so effectively.
I am shocked it took me so long to get to this point of self honesty, but I also am starting to understand there's been far more to the picture than I have been willing to look at.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not fully actually investigate what self forgiveness is and how to actually apply it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not fully investigate Desteni and what it represents and what the articles and material and people are all really saying.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste time and energy feeling embarassed about the lengths it took me to get to one simple point of self honesty.
I commit myself to figure out how the hell you actually apply and live self forgiveness.
I commit myself to figure out and study what Desteni is and how you actually live the words and message.
I commit myself to come out of my own ass and actually stand up together with those who are willing and able to create a world that is best while also recognziing I can't just change it all on my own, I can't just change myself on my own.
I commit myself to actually talk to people and ask questions even if I think that makes me seem stupid because what I have been doing has actually been stupid, I am the stupidest person in the world, and it's time to make ammends with myself.
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