Day 129- Creating States of Mind Through Breathe.

It's like I'm allowing myself to be possessed by my mind under the guise of walking out my current mind structure.

Very clever, but also very counter productive, so I really am glad I was able to root this point out a little bit.

I don't know how to explain it, but I can see how it's important to work with words and the forgiveness of words, because looking from within my own mind I can't make sense of anything, but in the word, I see how you can assert your life force.

What am I trying to achieve within breathe?

Not just to walk out my mind in real time, in directing myself within my breathe in each moment, there's an unspoken goal.

To achieve peace within walking out my process in each breathe.

This goal has become slack, it's become something I have to carry on top of what I'm already spending so much effort and focus on in the actual walking out of my current mind design in breathe and self direction in my day-to-day life.

The desire to be at peace and enjoy each moment, to go though life in each breathe, effortlessly and within content.

To be liberated from pain and suffering.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to create the results I desire without actually living them as manifesting them for real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to force peace and contentedness onto myself in each breathe, when I try to achieve a state of mind, instead of achieve in living for real my process, as actually earning the results I'd like to have for myself.

It's just one of the hard truths, it's such a long process to be walked, and there's no shortcut to becoming and living the word content in each moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want something special as more than what I've earned in actually walking my process in each breathe for real, where, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself to only putting in the effort and walking my process if it means I'll be rewarded special experiences and expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my process as pointless without there being a light at the end of the tunnel, as to be at peace, to be free at last.

I know I would be happy if I could just make everything occurring and moving inside of myself just stop, but there's no shortcut, only time and effort.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise what points I can actually walk out in real time as actually applying myself within my process when I seek above all else to achieve a state of mind where I'm high, or in nirvana, or at peace, where the rest would just be down hill, because there would be no struggle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make my life more of a struggle when I'm trying to achieve something separate from my physical expression, through states of mind.

It's like, if I can just rush everything and clear my mind, I can go into that yoga/meditation good vibration feeling of clarity and content, but that doesn't stick, it's just an energetic experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to constantly in each breathe try to move myself to a state of mind energy experience instead of just focusing on what's right in front of me constantly, as my own mind reflecting back at me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to tune off as be separate from my process, where I can be off in an energetic peaceful state of mind, and just wait for my process to be resolved.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having to be the directive principle defining myself and who I am within my process in each moment, where I realize states of mind are what is making my life so difficult.

I'm trying to achieve peace and happiness where I need to just focus on walking in each breathe, I'm still burning up all of my energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself for being misguided in my intentions once again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as doomed to repeat the mistake of walking my process in a selfish and unintutive manner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as selfish and unintutive in how I've walked my process since I began, instead of learning what I have gathered and realized over the time I began writing and breathing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to channel all of my energy in each breathe into achieving a state of mind.

What kind of state of mind?

Relaxed

Happy

Content

All words that I'm capable of living and forgiving and redefining.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tolerate states of mind as quick fixes to my problems.

This occurrence happens a lot at work,

I'm stressed our or having anxiety, or am just not content or even in pain, and I'm willing to compromise or give up on anything I've worked on or developed within myself just to rid myself of the negative expression I've found myself embodying.

In those moments I'd rather desperately flounder to make them stop, than to walk out patiently and in real time whatever is grieving me.

Who am I going to be in my breathe?

Breathing to achieve a state of mind? The experience of having stopped the demons?

Or, walking out for real in real time, breathe by breathe, focused on walking until the job is done, not on creating experiences to make my pain go away.

That opens up a lot for me, so, tomorrow I'm going to redefine the word breathe, which I already isolated as being significant for today, but go overwhelmed by the idea of how expansive and all encompassing this word has become to me, that I took a step back to learn about how I have been trying to create states of mind as an alternative to actually mining out the real problem and effective changing and walking it.

For now, I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself trying to achieve states of mind within my breathe as experiences, as I realize what I can see here today shows me that my time and effort would be better spent focusing on each point at hand and walking it out to the best of my ability, without leaving slack as laziness, not willing to totally put myself into the job at hand, but wanting to be able to separate myself form the rough edges of my process.

Day 128- Mean

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear people being mean to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to victimize myself in relationship to when I feel I'm not being treated justly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad when someone is 'mean' to me because I feel like I have failed in serving them, or that I have failed them in some way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to emotionally attach myself to serving and impressing other's.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with fear when someone is angry or upset towards me, because I fear I've fallen out of their good graces and preference.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not improve my relationship and standing with and as myself, when I depend on positive and negative reinforcement outside of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to impress and do well by people at work instead of doing good at work for myself to maintain my stature and position for the sake of keeping my job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failing my co-workers by not doing a good job at work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus so much on interpersonal relationships instead of just doing the work that is required of me, and leaving it at that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having any friends at work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that when someone is mean of upset towards me at work, that I have lost a friend.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand as work, as financially supporting myself, as not requiring friendship, and as such not requiring enemies or 'meanness'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing friends at work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dependent on friendship at work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to percieve people who are mean or aggressive as enemies, instead of just seeing what they are showing me needs to be done or improved on in my work dicipline or ethic, and just move on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take other people's attitudes or behavior's personally.

Where I personally can and do exemplify the same behavior or personalities depending on how I'm feeling or experiencing myself at any given time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as exempt and not a part of the problem when I view aggression and meanness as separate from me and my own creation.

So, it's easier to talk about mean behaviour or ways or treating other people once I admit I'm an equal part of that creation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret calling on other people as being mean, because I regret acting as if I'm not part of the problem as able to an willfully spiteful interanlly in secret, or directly as injected into reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty about hating others for the way they behave, without making any attempt to change my relationship and behaviours of myself for real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge hatred and cruelty and meanness, because I accept and tolerate it within myself and others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify being mean to other people.

It really requires me to forgive and redefine the word mean itself, because what's mean to me is ill-defined, right and wrong being defined by person to person.

I should be supporting all of life however I can in all ways at all times to the best of my ability.

Being mean is basically the opposite, where I only am considering my own intrest, and don't care about the implications on anything outside of myself.

So being mean can be a way to see and detect misalignment.

So with taking such steps at addressing mean and aggressive behavior, I more adequately support myself and others in times of mean or even abusiveness.

Where no matter if it is me or someone else, it's just a matter of addressing the misalignment and moving forward, no harm no foul.

What am I learning about behavior?

The judgement and perception of mean/agitated behavior, shows I am tolerating and perceiving it within myself as such.

I also see how my perception is warped towards the polarity of friendship/enemy where it basically comes down to if you do what I like you're my friend, if you are mean and treat me a way I don't like or prefer you're bad, and you're my enemy.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself percieveing someone as mistreating me when they are mean towards me, as I realize that I'm the only person who can be mean to me, through my relationship and participation with the word mean reflected through my mind as energy.

Day 127- Clairvoyant

If I could know that I was going to be hit by a car tomorrow, I could take a different road. 

Being able to predict the big events in life, would mean I could navigate knowing better the results of my decisions. 

I don't know if it is possible to be clairvoyant or not, I don't know if things are predictable, or actually set in stone, but really the idea of clairvoyance comes down to control. 

To be able to control outcomes through predictions. 

In hopes of avoiding explosive, fatal, or even just unpreferable or unwanted consequences or situations. 

I've tried to run from my creation, to overpower, to change, to run as far away as I can, but I have nowhere left to run, unless I tried to be Clairvoyant and then maybe I could avoid certain things for a while longer, to keep the flame going, or not going, but I'm not in the mood for that today. 

I don't want to run away today, I want to face whatever will happen to me head on, and whatever I can do will be done, but whatever happens outside of my volition, has to be let go. 

I don't have the energy left to run any longer. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spend all my energy predicting events and occurrences to be prepared and able to avoid certain situations and encounters, instead of just spending that energy to forgive the misalignment and allow myself to carry on as usual. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have to go to the rock bottom pit of paranoia and inability to face reality until I'm emotionally and physically drained, before I simply realize I need to be self honest and just address the issue/concern for what it is. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make my living and application convoluted  with pointless theories and predictions and numbers about what may or may not happen and how to address it, instead of just addressing for real in self forgiveness, the only way I know how. 

Sometimes it might be good to think and run the numbers, but to the point and extent which I'm draining my physical body and am having constant anxiety about basically anything or anyone, to the point of nonsense and imagination and fabrications of false realities, it makes me want to go to bed. 

In going to bed I can just shut everything off, and actually wake up and face my day unscathed. 

Or at least give me some time where I'm not thinking about everything. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make any situation so grave that the first course of action should not be self forgiveness and self honesty if possible. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my problems and issues with such magnitude that I become instantly possessed, and instantly deflect self honesty and fall back on bad habits and ways of facing my reality, where I automatically accept that things are bad, and I'm going to just surrender. 

I'm trying to predict, and control, and imagine all these different cases and scenarios of what could occur in my reality, but I've already given up. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make things out to be such a big deal, like they're earth shattering and must drain all of my energy and effort to be predicted prevented and postulated, when really I could just live my life, what's at the core of my mental OCD. 

What if I lost a friend, lost a job, lost an animal, lost my life, lost a relationship, lost money, lost my home, lost the words to say, lost my pattern, lost my energy, lost my love life. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put so much energy into trying to predict the future and what may or may not happen through imagination and thinking, instead of simply addressing that loss is part of life. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place such a high value on everything, that my attachment to reality has become more precious and needing protection then actually living and working within my reality. 

I value things, more than living in accordance and relationship to those things, as saying I'm here for this long and there's this thing, who am I going to be in relationship to this thing. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to horde and protect my mental possessions. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste all my energy trying to protect my possessions, to the point that I am my own opposition to living life, because living life isn't to posses through the mind. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of everything. 

Everything I've ever done, said, owned, imagined, created, profited, lost, experienced, perceived, loved. 

Every picture, every object, every idea, every feeling, every bit of energy. 

Wouldn't it be nice to let go? 

Isn't it nice to forgive yourself?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find means and ways to enforce my self suffering at all ways and at all cost, as I realize my possessions through my mind, to be resulting in my suffering, yet I do anything to protect and horde my money, my name, my objects. 

It's how the whole spiritual notion of the Buddah being at peace and having nothing, being rich and being all about material possession, and then there's reality, where you live and create with what you have, and it's not as black and white as Buddah with nothing or the fat cat's on wall street with everything. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to misinterpret giving up all my goods and possessions literally, instead of realizing myself as giving up my relationship to all goods and possessions, because giving up everything and sitting under a tree and feeling good, accomplished, and divine sounds so nice, yet no one in reality is capable of that life. 

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself trying to predict my reality and control my reality through preposing what may or may not occur, as I realize myself as not having to run from what is real, and what I have created, as I realize myself as taking a stand and facing what will be the best I can in real time, where I do not know if I can predict the future, but I know I've wasted too much time and energy trying, so it's better now, for me, to let go for today. 

Day 126- Energy Enemy

I always feel like I'm fluctuating.

What's my relationship to this feeling?

I feel like I can never be still something is always moving.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view everything moving within me as causing the friction and conflict inside of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view this movement from within myself as separate from my creation.

Why am I creating this energy and movement within myself?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be self honest about the movement I experience within myself.

I try to focus on my breathing, to direct myself to stop my participation with this movement but I cannot do anything because I've not come to self honesty and self forgiveness in relationship to how and why I create this experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drain my bodies strength through corrosive energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to break myself down through energy of the mind when what I want is to just live my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spend all of my energy on experience of movement which leave me weak and unable to efficiently function.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I do not stop this movement from continuing it will gain more power over me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my creation power over me through allowing it power over me through the contract of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create fear as giving control to this movement within me because I don't want to face the time and effort on earth it will take to realize what I've created within myself.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself giving the movement experience within myself power over me through the contract of fear, as I realize myself as having no choice but to walk out the patience and discipline required to live, walk, and investigate my creation within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being influenced by the experience of energy movement within myself as I realize I allow myself to be influenced, and the fear prevents me from being self honest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame how I am moved within my breathe and my body by the experience of energy moving within my mind, when I create fear in relationship to this experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist this experience within myself as I realize this resistance is a reaction as a suppression out of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be caught off guard by this experience within myself as I realize that this is such an ongoing experience and something I've put so much direct conscience energy into that it is not going to just dissipate all at once.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be distracted by this experience of energy movement within myself, where I can experience myself seeing this energy move like threads and strings and wihther I'm watching or interpreting something though my minds eye, or am just imagining this experience out of nothing, I'm not gaining anything from this experience when it constantly distracts me from being here and being centered.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an energetic experience that prevents me from being able to naturally and fluidly be centered and grounded, where I feel as if I must always fight up hill against my own experiences to achieve centered focused calm and grounded state of being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this experience of energy moving within my minds eye out of blame, where this experience has become what I must overcome, yet I can see how I've directly fundamentally created what I'm dealing with in my mind as energy and experience manifested over time and effort.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an experience of an enemy within myself, of which I can fight.

I've created an enemy, to give me purpose, so I could be a hero.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to require to be a hero to have purpose in my life, as I realize a hero needing an enemy, and realize myself as just wanting to live and create a better life.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself creating this experience
of energy moving within me as being the point of which I need to stop as to fight as to overcome, as I realize this virtual reality program of overcoming this enemy is my own creation, and when I play out this program I'm not being a creator, I'm just reliving everything I've faced in my life already on repeat, and I don't want to live this life the way I have been living.

Day 125- The Great Escape

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put up with my emotional instability.

I can become upset over anything at anytime without any notice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tolerate my emotional reactions to thoughts and feelings by putting up with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tolerate how easily moved I am by thoughts and occurrences in my world that I try to maneuver around them to just have a moment or a brief amount of time where I'm not pinned to the wall by my own grief and anxiety.

The suppression just delays an even worse outburst of anxiety, stress, being disturbed or upset.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tolerate a life of constant turmoil within and as myself where I am helpless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be helpless as unable to change for real in real time, where I don't see controlling and directing myself to stop participation as a possibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and act on the idea that I must get past this moment of emotional distress, to deal with it at a later time once I've calmed down.

I don't seem to ever calm down.

Constant barrage of turmoil.

Constantly pelted.

This is not healthy for me.

I have to find the strength to forgive myself, to realize I'm treating myself inhumanely.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be self honest about the way I treat myself through my relationship to the emotions and experiences I create within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an endless cycle of blame where I can never be self honest or come to terms with my emotions because I face a constant wall as blame, separating me from my own creation as my life.

I'm sad.

I don't stop to really look at what's going on I just push through, I put up with what I've created, and don't make the time and effort to isolate the actual problems in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not create opportunities to see and analyze and understand how I'm manifesting my reality through emotional turmoil.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tolerate and embrace dying the way I am now, when I don't want to leave earth the way I've created myself in relationship to life.

What will it take to change?

When I get hit, when I realize it's time to attack myself with emotion, when I see deep down without even realizing it, an opening, an opportunity to attack myself with all the emotions and turmoil that comes with it, I have to stand in these moments, and realize I cannot keep running, I cannot escape for real.

These moments will occur until I die, and there is no escaping my misfortuneate creation.

It can happen at any place at any time, I'll always find a way to strike, to attack myself emotionally.

I know everything about myself and can take advantage of my body through emotional possession at any moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to escape my emotional roller-coaster of turmoil, when there is no escape, only a brief silence.

I don't want to edge myself on, I don't want to let things get out of hand ever again, I just want to proceed with my life, but without having to run away any longer.

So the emotional turmoil, and the thoughts, and the craziness occurs, who am I when this happens?

I'm possessed, I'm hopeless, I'm just riding it out, waiting for my chance to escape.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to replay the same approach of riding out my emotional ride, waiting for my chance to escape, on repeat, when I've seen that this is not sufficient for actually facing and coming to terms with what I've burdened myself with through my relationship to emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste time playing out the same antiquated formula of waiting for my emotions and turmoil to pass, only to learn nothing, and gain nothing, leaving myself weaker.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tolerate myself widling myself down to nothing through emotional turmoil.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be scared of what I'm doing to myself through my relationship to emotions and the turmoil that arises from them.

I beg of myself, keep going, just keep going.

Please, I know I can keep walking just another day, it doesn't have to be beautiful, just keep trying.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself giving into fear of the emotional turmoil I create within myself, as I realize in that moment, why am I doing this? What exterior extension of my being have I created that is misaligned, blame and fear of things not existing within my direct reality.

Day 124- The Flop House

The Flop House is my favorite thing on the internet.

It's 3 guys, 2 of which were writers for the Dailyshow whilst Jon Stewart was still the host.

And it's just them talking about a 'bad movie' that they watch together, but they usually stray off topic, and make a lot of inside jokes, and funny references.

It's all off the script, impromptu discussion and jokes and it makes you feel like you're in the room with them.

I think they're from new york, but I can't remember.

3 successful guys coming together every other week for a couple hours to have fun and laugh and discuss a dumb pointless movie (hence the flop part)

Only now in really taking a moment to introspect do I see why I have such an affinity for this podcast.

It's low budget, off the radar, there's no need to act a certain way for some kind of endorsement or sponsor.

It's just 3 guys who already have a living who just enjoy each other's company so much that they want to share it with the world.

They've gone through child birth and divorce, in strides, it's like a time to wash away everything that happened over the past couple of weeks and just reset, have fun.

I think sometimes about how it's sad that I crack up listening to these guys, and I don't even know them or have ever spoken to them, I think it's embarrassing sometimes to feel such comradery for someone or some group of people I have never even met.

It seems lonely.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as pathetic for having to enjoy the company of people without even being with them or knowing them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be sad that I'm lacking the intimacy with anyone in my reality, where I can see this is a reflection of my lack of self intimacy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be selfish in wanting to have the same friendship and intimacy that they have in the flophouse, as I realize the honor and humility of being able to be happy for someone else, I'm not there with them, they don't know me, but it's my favorite thing on the internet, and I'm just happy that they're happy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself to needing intimacy through another person, be it friendship, or dating.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire a quick fix through superficial external relationships, where deep down I know what I want is to be intimate with myself, when I'm in my room alone listening and cracking up like a little kid listening to this podcast, there's no friendship, there's no one else even in the room, there is an external stimuli, but it shows at heart how I'm alone enjoying one the sound of other people through the podcast, but in reality I'm alone enjoying my own company as well.

To me it represents the best friendship I've ever seen, and that's certainly why I'm attracted to these 3 guys and there podcast.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have lost the potential for having the kinds of relationships I see in the Flophouse where I've utilized relationships to manipulate and blame and thus have lost the right to date, to have close intimate friends, yet I'm forgiving myself, I'm earning my way back, I'm giving myself another chance.

I know I could take a lot from having that perfect friendship, that perfect dating relationship, and I know I could have that kind of intimacy with people without having to abuse and manipulate, I commit myself to work my way back to having close mutually respectful and enjoyable friendships where both parties can thrive and gain and create something better in the world.

I commit myself to do whatever it takes to earn back my right to date, my ability to be able to speak and interact with women in a mutual friendly and enjoyable way, where from which I can form a intimate relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to struggle with the realization that self intimacy comes first.

Something can be gained from sharing and learning and being intimate as friends or partners with other's, but self comes first, which makes sense, but make me think, what's the point?

 I'm so used to manipulative coarse interpersonal dynamics, that I'm repulsed by the idea of two individuals growing through working and walking and progressing with each other...

It's like who is there to blame when two people work together for real, who is there to hate? What's the point if there's no conflict? No agenda, no interest?

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself resisting the reality that self intimacy must always come first before a platform can be built between two people, as I realize the destructive nature of relationships based on separation, where in the same sense that I can bring myself down, it's much easier to accomplish when I utilize another person through indirect agreement to bring me down, as a way for me to create separation from my creation of relationships, and blame someone else for bringing me down, when I was asking for it, and just didn't realize it, so weither I like it or not, I have to learn somehow, I must create mutual relationships of agreement and utilize self as the foundation where trust and intimacy can be established for real.

Here's a link to the flophouse site if anyone wants something funny to listen too, I personally really like listening to them a lot, http://www.flophousepodcast.com/

Day 123- The Endless Frontier

The once a day journey to life writing works because I don't have to feel like writing, I don't have to want to write.

In this moment I have nothing.

No dreams, no hopes, just the faintest desires and fears.

Here is the platform, and my design is already in motion.

Self forgiveness is the only structure from which I can move myself from this place.

I'm content.

In this moment.

All that is required is action, to change the relationships and take action.

I have to change my relationship to sleep, because that's how dreams influence me.

As I'm drifting off to sleep I have visions.

In my sleep I have dreams.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place unearthly value on dreams and visions because I can't describe them in words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as so intelligent that anything I can't place into words has superior value.

Some things in my mind I can't describe I can't explain, just like dreams, I cannot describe the depth and the meaning that I experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place that which I cannot describe or articulate as above me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define what I do not understand as holding power over me.

To be in awe, to be speechless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give more power to anything than what is in front of me, in a single breathe.

I can be in awe staring at the stars, yet not be here breathing seeing the stars, the input is a reflection of my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define some things as above other things.

Through the lens of the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create my mind as an over bearing presence in all ways and in all facets as all relationships to all things that exist, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have created a mind that can be directly utilized to act and formulate the words that I lose in my awe of the mind.

To have no words, to have my breathe taken away in awe, in shock.

That's not how I should have designed myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself access to the words required of me when I'm at a loss for words, as giving my word as my soul away to the mind, only to be returned to me in decreasing value.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to degrade my self worth and my self value through my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create separation as dreams as imagination, where I create through my mind that which I allow to be awe inspiring through bewilderment and separation, because I'm looking through the lens of creation separate from reality.

I had a dream last night, and all day periodically I think about it, I directly give into it, and give into wonder and awe, at what I created in separation, irrelevant, I didn't participate in that creation, it represents the power I've given to separation.

I call it a beautiful work of art.

I can slip away into imagination at any moment, I can create the idea that my imagination is real, it's scary to face that, I justify my imagination as possibly being real, possibly having some kind of basis in some kind of reality, when it has become my downfall.

There's no philosophy, the sophistry of philosophy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my dreams and my relationship to them as giving them awe and purpose and superiority over my reality, because I fear letting go of the beauty and empowerment I perceive within them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive beauty within my dreams
.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see my dreams for what they really are.

As if I didn't know.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give away my creative power through fantasy as dreams.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek for direction and meaning outside of myself through dreams, where I find no purpose in my reality, because I've created no purpose.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself perceiving my dreams as superior to reality, as I realize my creative power and potential through self direction and movement in each breathe, through the word, through directing the mind properly and efficiently, as I realize myself as having lost any choice in the matter to begin with.

Day 122- Interpersonal Relationships

Why do interpersonal conflicts seem like the end of the world?

Why do conflicts and arguments, or disagreement and differences have to be accompanied by the sense of impending doom.

It's those moments I realize things aren't just about me.

There's no short cuts in my relationship to other's as there's no shortcut in my relationship to myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to respect that the same principles apply in my relationship to other's that apply to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to control my relationship with others as I try to control my relationship with myself.

It really doesn't seem like there is a difference, treat others the way you'd like to be treated, means to treat all of life equally.

When it comes to my relationship's... What's in it for me?

Of course I don't want to have bad relationship's that would be bad for my self interest.

How do I fix my relationship's? Stop treating them like they are separate from me, only for my own gain.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist the equality principle when I realize it requires me to have no special interest separate from the whole.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand for what's best for all of life as implied from my relationship's of self interest.

I want my self interest, I want you to have your self interest.

That doesn't always work well, because self interest is the current human nature, and that's not very well for humanity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a reason to not act as what is best for all of life within my relationship's unconditionally, because my purpose in life has always been based on certain conditions that I get where I want to go.

I can see exactly what to do and where to go in my relationship with myself, but am blindsided with other's.

That doom feeling of when I'm not getting along with someone else is my relationship to myself.

I can see more of myself in others.

What does my relationship with other's say about me?

What does it say?

What are the words I say?

fluff.

Everything I say is layered in fluff, like it could just float away in the wind, it just doesn't matter what I say.

Like the only thing that matters is what the relationship stands for, but the words symbolize the relationship, so my life is just fluff.

If I can keep writing my self forgiveness and keep working and improving and creating and learning where I do in my life, one day my life and my relationships and what I create can be more than fluff.

fluff, empty, filler.

That's part of what I look for in my dating relationships, something that isn't just fluff, that doesn't seem empty.

What's the point of speaking words that mean nothing?

Words are part of who I am, and who I am is more than fluff.

My relationships seem to matter the least when they're going well, and all the words are just fluff, but when my relationships aren't going well, everything said seems to hold more significance, more meaning.

I have to keep investigating tomorrow,

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself creating the polarity relationship to other people as fluff/pointless/empty, as opposite to dire/important/fulfilled, as I make notice and investigate these moments within my stopping and breathing to dig deeper and garner more insight into how to forgive and thus navigate the matter of interpersonal relationships.

Day 121- Character and Expression

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as immature for acting young.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my character for having fun and being expressive, when in reality these are things that I'm directly allowing and participating and are part of my self expression and creation, not something to be attacked.

Why do I judge myself for embracing the kid in me, for embracing my youth, and cherishing my ability to live and express myself unconditionally?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with disgust at being young and playful within my expression as though these traits are dangerous, as if I must act masculine and powerful and assertive as a dominate male at all costs.

Where does that even exist?

Why do I believe I'm some kind of tribal warrior needing to show no emotion, like I'm going off to war.

Where have I ever seen the true expression of the 'man's man', the cowboy, the warrior.

A 'real man'.

They say bury your feelings, men don't cry.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embrace tribalism as the idea of the warrior man within myself without questioning why this is projected onto men and society, when there is no trace of it outside of war, and soldiers.

But soldiers seem to be kind, noble, fun loving, yet knowing when it's time to get to business, when it's time to show emotion and when not.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to idealize the idea of the man's man, when I've never seen a man's man, outside of cowboys and warriors on television.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in my loss for identity cling onto idealist concepts of masculinity which have no basis in reality, and don't represent anyone I know or have ever seen or met for real.

The real question is who am I going to be?

And why let made up ideas of the perfect alpha male man stand in my way?

I like to have fun, but I can get to work and get serious just the same.

Sometimes things are fun, and sometimes they are serious.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the moments and times in life when seriousness is required, when it's time to not fool around and get things together.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define and revolve my character around the fun moments, and in so miss out on who I am within my expression within serious moments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my expression during serious moments, because I define myself as a coward in relationship to serious moments in time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be self honest within myself when I try to act as if every moment is perfect and fun and fine, when there will always be moments when that's not the case.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with fear at the thought that serious and grim moments must be existing for fun and lighthearted moments to exist.

It's one those existential moments, 'Why love if love is just the opposite of hate.'

You take the good times with the bad times.

Is that too much to handle?

Or am I just needing to change my relationship to serious moments, to create a more equal alignment, between work and play.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to let my serious and down to business character have his day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as bad for only expressing myself through my desire to have fun and enjoy every moment and every breathe of my life, when this is perfectly valid, just as it is valid to be precise and concise and consistent and effective in each moment as the serious character would imply.

I've had moments when I've wanted to give into laughter and enjoyment so much that it gave me a head ache, where if I had been more aligned with my serious character, I would have been more efficient in knowing when to cut myself off, like, that was funny, but not as funny as I am wanting and acting like it were.

There is the character within me that is old and knows what to do, and just wants it all to get done.

It's a polarity of character that can be lived, like the colors in the color spectrum.

You may have a favorite, but know that no color is most valuable, as no way to speak, no culture, no religion, no philosophy is the one ultimate truth.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself not properly balancing my life through the different characters which I navigate and interact within my world, as I realize character as not being an end point of anything, but only a part of my creation and expression, which should reflect my breathe as one and equal, without movement of mind as energy through separation.
.

Day 120- Being Upset and Mathmatics

There's always something to be upset about.

I try to just let go and not care, but that becomes circumventing the actual point, and a just a quick fix to suppress something that is upsetting me.

It's better to just be upset and face it, then to try to convince myself I don't care and that I can just let go, when I do care, and am looking for ways to avoid facing my problems and concerns in life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid facing my relationship to being upset in my day-to-day by creating the illusion that I don't care what happens, so nothing matters and everything is ok.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place energy into lying to myself and going the length of trying to create an alternate space in my mind where nothing matters, so I can feel safe and not upset, when in reality my relationship to that which is upsetting me is only compounding further and getting worse.

I'm trying to tell myself that everything is alright, to feel better, instead of simply facing the mathematics, which are far more comforting and secure than how I feel.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to utilize feelings instead of mathematics when I'm upset, because it's my feelings that upset me in the first place, and I'm only fueling the fire further, because when looking at the mathematics of any time I'm upset, the numbers usually crunch out to everything is fine, you're just making mountains of molehills, because you're not addressing the real numbers.

What are the numbers?

Odds, statistics.

I've done this before, I've seen this before, what happened last time? What's the odds of something different happening this time?

Based on the real world events and interactions that have taken place, what do I really think is occurring?

There's always a chance that the sky might fall, no matter what you do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be upset that there is always a chance that things can go totally and utterly wrong at any moment for any reason.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I might one day be pushed past the bounds I can bare, and give up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be upset when things go wrong because I fear that I might face the day or the point that totally consumes me and causes me to give up on life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to draw a line where I imagine I would give up, defined only by me getting upset that I appear to be nearing that line, when I'm upset based on illusions, and it's these illusions as the imagination that define the line.

I'm upset, because I'm driving myself mad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be upset that my mind becomes obsessed over certain things, that I try to control and predict certain events and situations that I cannot, and thus, I'm upset because what I'm trying to accomplish in my mind is madness, no matter how many times I run the numbers, it's not good enough.

Without self forgiveness, then numbers are never good enough, the numbers don't change, they just become the reference from where I would stand.

I cannot convince myself that everything is ok, when deep down I believe that there's something wrong, something waiting to occur.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to believe that something bad will happen to me, when I become upset over thoughts in my head.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not utilize self honesty when wanting to believe that something bad will happen to me when I become upset.

Why believe something will occur, with no evidence?

Because it's safer to bet on what might happen, than risk sitting back and letting it happen.

But there's nothing to be done, but to be upset, worried, worried about, relationships, job's, safety, money, influence, education.

You do what you do, there's something off about being upset, it's like attracting more problems, than resolving.

That's how a lot of emotions and feelings are.

If I could turn it around, or if it meant something else, what good did being upset represent to me in the first place?

It felt like I was dealing with the problem, by facing it before it happened.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to control reality by facing problems on an emotional level before they have even arrived, or have proven to exist in any way, as I realize I'm going mad.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself going mad, as becoming upset about all the different
realities and scenarios that I can accumulate within my mind, as I realize that this is only showing me the extent of my relationship through emotions and feelings to a certain point, and that trying to deal with and emotionally come to terms as letting go of certain relationships is for me, only accomplished one way for real, and the rest is fauder, and biding my time going mad.

Day 119- Singing

Morrisey is one of my favorite singers.

I like singing a lot.

I have jobs where I'm not usually interacting with people, and so am either by myself or just doing tasks that don't involve communicating too much with people, and sometimes I sing during work.

At two of my jobs I work with cooks who sing.

One I learn and practice doing higher pitch, because with my voice I usually would do low pitch.

Then with the other cook the way he sings is just fun, like he doesn't care what people think, because he's just having fun, so I practice that sometimes too.

So, in theory, I could sing my way through the majority of my life.

When I'm just doing dishes, or rolling dough, at work, it's fun and really great to be able to sing, when it does not interrupt anyone else's work.

The thing is, when I sing, I'm always trying to get it perfect.

It's like in my head I know what perfect should sound like, and I'm trying to graph that out with my voice, but it just doesn't work.

The best emulation I can do is of Morrisey, who is one of my favorite singers, but lately I've found myself unsatisfied, that I like to sing like
Morrisey, and sing his songs, but deep down I want to carve my own voice, and that I want to move forward, that some of his songs and his voice is a spark for me, but that I have to move forward in my life, realize what my voice is for myself.

I've created different singing styles and voices, emulated other singers, reached different pitches, done the kinds of things you play around with while singing, but I've never matched my voice with that picture of perfection in my mind.

Why does it have to be perfect?

I have the same relationship to breathing.

I try to breathe perfectly.

What is perfect?

I don't know.

All I know is that I can be a better singer, have more fun, accomplish more in singing, if I just let go of perfection .

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit my ability and capacity to sing when I try to sing from the idea of creating perfection.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to emulate the idea and sound of perfection in my mind instead of just creating sound without so much prefixed structure and pressure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put pressure on myself to sing perfectly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define singing as pointless unless you're perfect.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to by listening to music edited and manipulated give myself a false idea of what genuine unaltered singing really sounds like.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with sadness when I feel like I can't reach the tone or the pitch or the sound that I want to create while singing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to box my expression of singing into the polarity of all or nothing, where my singing is either perfect or pointless depending on if it sounds good to me or not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear singing without trying to sound good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I try to sing without sounding good as perfect I will try to control my voice if I hear myself sounding good on accident, and will thus inevitably fall back into the polarity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to control my voice while singing.

My singing is very stifled with being controlled to try to sound perfect, and deep down I know this ins't right.

Deep down I know I'd rather sing unconditionally, that I would be a better singer if I just let go, and sang to express myself.

I'm expressing my idea of perfection, so that is me expressing myself in a sense, that who I am is trying to be perfect.

So, maybe singing is showing me the reflection of who I am is also needing to let go, which is scary.

To stop trying to control certain things in my life.

If I'm trying to sing perfectly, yet I realize I could sing perfectly by stopping trying to be perfect, then what am I doing?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be self honest about my relationship to singing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide my relationship to singing from myself, because I'm scared of the truth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I sing to impress or to influence, which although I realize is true, I fear that there is a nefarious element to that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I cannot be a perfect singer if I'm trying to impress other people with my voice.

Same thing, people would be more impressed if I weren't trying to impress, it's like jnyxing yourself.

It's like I wish I had just one thing going for me, like a story book, things aren't going well, but at least I can sing.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself jnxing myself by failing to create what I want to while singing, because I fear what it really requires as letting go and just expressing myself, as I realize that singing is a part of who I am, and is limited and stifled by the mental paradox I have place it in, and that as much as I identify with and enjoy singing, I have to be self honest and support myself within my relationship to singing, even if it doesn't take me where I might want it too.

Day 118- Grumpy Monster

When I'm grumpy, I jump on and shut things down before they can bother me.

When I'm grumpy I know I'm not in the mood, and know that certain things will get me razelled up, so I can be rude, like trying to get you before you get me.

When I'm grumpy, I feel justified, because I feel like I'm just defending myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify being grumpy even though I know it is not in my best interest.

You can't blame a feral dog for biting you.

But when I'm the dog, I can't regret my actions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my mood swings get in the way of me being the person I'd like to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let the person I am at any given moment define souly on the mood I'm in.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become grumpy when I feel like I have no way to move forward, as an act of giving up, like my actions no longer matter, because I don't care at this moment, because I don't feel well.

I'm in a bad mood and I convince myself it's worth it to just be rude or hedonistic, because I've been slighted, and I should act out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to convince myself to give up in moments of trial and tribulation as being grumpy, as burning even more bridges out of spite.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be grumpy out of spite when things aren't going well, because I'm reacting out of blame of my situation onto external things.

When I'm grumpy with my mom, she is always very patient with me, and I can instantly see how I'm looking for someone or something to blame my problems on, without any real evidence or logic, it's like being childish.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret being mean or rude to people when I'm grumpy, where I'm acting as if the regret justifies what already has been done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find another way to burn bridges as regretting and judging my actions, instead of forgiving and letting go, while I still have a bridge left to stand on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my outbursts of being rude or grumpy while in a bad mood, as further indicting myself, as being no more then this grumpy character, and thus chained to it, through good times and bad times, always fighting uphill with myself.

I get fucked up in my head, in my body, in my soul, and it's like I'm on the outside looking in, I can be messed up sometimes in my thoughts and actions, that doesn't have to be a personal attack on myself or anyone, nor anyone who also has bad moods that affect their behavior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for becoming enraged or belligerent when I was a child, as I realize this judgement is what keeps me held within that behavior, however less rambunctious, still just as unjustified as ever, a cry for help that cannot be answered by the people I want to hear me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be hard to deal with where I would rather see myself being cooperative, being a good person.

I see myself as an irritable person, and I experience most of my waking time just trying to be at ease and soothe the monster inside of myself.

I'm not the person I'd like to be, and I can see the struggle I have with that everyday, why do I have to be a monster? Why do I have to struggle with who I am?

The feral animal is afraid of everything, unconditional fear, just like unconditional love.

Isn't it nice to forgive yourself?

To the monster I say, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself within the word monster, when what I really am, is something I just don't understand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge that which I do not understand out of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that which I don't understand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a bad person for being grumpy and potentially hurting people's feelings, when like they say about any wild animal, 'it's more afraid of you, than you are of it.'

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself judging myself for being rude or hateful when I am grumpy/in a bad mood, as I realize myself as judging something I don't understand, and in stopping the judgement, I put myself in a position
where I can better attune and understand what is moving within me, and can face the beast in silence.

Day 117- Embarassing or Uncomfortable Memories

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tolerate me haunting myself with memories of things I've said or done in the past which I have judged within regret.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to harbor regret within relationship to things I've said or done in the past, which are then repeated through haunting visions as memories, on repeat, until repented for.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my actions as being unrepeatable, and as such replayed as cringe memories, of things that were weird or embarrassing that I'm not comfortable with having done or said.

My memories are mostly haunted with things I'm not comfortable with.

Maybe even the majority of the things I remember.

I'd say at this moment in time, I don't remember anything on a regular basis unless it's something important to remember like a chore or a task, or something I'm not comfortable with.

I don't remember good times or bad times, just embarrassing cringey memories that I don't want to be associated with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be uncomfortable with myself as defining myself by past as memories as recalling certain interactions I've had within my world where I judge myself as awkward or naïve or embarrassing.

Ghosts of my past.

It's weird that that's what I remember, on a day to day basis, I'm regularly haunted by memories of things I wish I hadn't said or done, because I'm embarrassed or not comfortable with having said or done them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not let myself change from the past, by holding onto the past as awkward uncomfortable memories.

Sometimes I find myself trying to assert myself as being confidence or controlled or interesting, like I'm fighting uphill against my own past as my shadow.

A handful of awkward or uncomfortable moments isn't that bad in terms of skeletons in the closet, but it's the only thing I have apparently to really haunt me, and so I really chew it up, I could pull dozens of dozens of moments and interactions with people where I said or did something that I just instantly regretted. To the point of being very self conscience, in just the act of walking past or being around someone I would and still do find myself seeing lots of things and interactions going on, because I'm so queued in on how I look to other people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret doing and saying awkward things.

What is awkward or uncomfortable?

Saying something that sounded dumb, or on the other end, as full of myself, like I thought I knew it all, but then got put in my place, and felt embarrassed.

In social interactions, like if you were to speak with someone as if they were your friend, only to realize they aren't fond of you, and then you feel dumb.

Social interactions were much higher pressure, higher stakes when I was younger.

When you're nervous or under pressure it's easier to make mistakes.

But what is the mistake? To be perceived a certain way.

I don't want to be seen as lame or uncool.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret doing things that make me seem uncool to other people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with embarassement when I've done something that seems uncool or unacceptable by other's.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to defend my right to be influenced by other's so that I can thus influence other's.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to influence myself to behave a certain way, so that I can have control in social situations, instead of having to be my own man.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define going along with what other's are doing as being my own man, so that I don't have to face in self honesty that I am not a self directed person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the responsibility of being self directed, and thus give into being influenced within myself to behave a certain way as seeming accepted or tolerable or cool, and thus when I fail, I'm a failure, and I regret having failed, and am embarrassed and uncomfortable, and am forced to confront who I really am, as what I've given away of myself.

I didn't want anyone to know that I have given myself away, to attention, or acknowledgement, or those kinds of social constructs. But it doesn't matter, because you just give up on social integration all together, unless required.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is nothing to stand up for within and as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose the ability to stand up for life.

It's like in horror movies where the ghost is trying to communicate that you have to do something like find their killer and bring them to justice type situation.

One part is letting go of what people think.

Another is being directive without needing to be influenced.

Another is not regretting what was, so that I can move forward.

There's also the positive and negative, where I feel good and am satisfied when someone likes me or gives me recognition, and feel bad or embarrassed when I've failed or disappointed someone.

I just want to start with the regret for now, because it's got the most bite, I will physically twitch, cringe, or sometimes growl or yell when these memories appear in my mind, that's the extent of how I've caged myself into this idea that I must not fail and relive these memories, yet in reacting to them with regret in real time when they come up, I'm reliving them without even having to be around anyone else, so that I physically become encumbered or will growl or yell to make these thoughts go away, implies they need immediate attention, but that goes to show for any number of things, and there is only so much time out side of work and other responsibilities, that it's important to key in on what's the most significant or relevant point to walk on any give day.

I want to address that little aspect of those cringy uncomfortable memories, and see if I can get my foot in the door, so that these moments aren't so over whelming and I don't feel like I'm reliving the emotions all over again, by stopping fueling them.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself responding to memories of things I've defined as being cringy or awkward or where I did not come across the way I wish I had to other people, as I realize myself as responsible for myself, and realize what other's think of me or my actions is irrelevant, as I'm the one creating my actions and myself, so in cutting out the reaction's which can be regret or guilt or shame, I can then see how I've been the one judging myself all along, and it had nothing to do with anyone else, and in breaking down with more specificity things like shame or guilt or regret, I can further my self development, as furthering my relationship with myself, and severing my relationship to the things that distract me from what's really going on in the world.

Another thing I realized is how I'm resistant to memories because of memories like these taking the forefront, but by diffusing these uncomfortable memories, I'm already starting to look into my past with more confidence, more direction, not influenced to the same extent that I was by breaking some blockage down for myself.

Day 116- Bravado

I was watching the new trend of the running man dance videos, and I thought, that is a smooth dance.

So I wanted to watch a video of another dance within a music video that it reminded me of.

I'm watching this guy dance, and the music, and it just embodied the co
ol smooth bravado and demener which I'd like to imagine can carry you through your entire life.

Something I can't even put into words, except for smooth, cool, and bravado.

And dancing and music.

I'm thinking, look how cool this guy is dancing in this music video, if I could dance like that, if I could embody that soul.

Jive is another word that comes to mind, to be hip.

Suave.

The point is, you can't just dance and sing your way through life, so to embody that special something in each movement, in each moment of expression, is something to live as the word, to express in each moment.

So you have to say 'I want to have that in each moment of my life', not to say 'if only I could dance and sing like him I would have that special something to get me through life'

I would just call it bravado.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create separation within what I see within the dancing and singing within this video as believing that I must be this person and be doing this dance and song routine to possess the soul that I am interpreting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that what I see and realize through looking at how this person acts and moves, as there bravado, is equal to me, as I'm realizing it, as I am seeing it through and as myself.

So I already possess this bravado, but I'm not the person I saw it reflected through.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have to be dancing and singing to be able to express myself through my movement and action and pure expression as bravado.

I don't even know what it means, it's like how you can just look at someone and see how they navigate through life, their soul.

Like soul music, and being jive, something you feel, and understand, but can't communicate, or explain, something deep within movement and action.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my soul of bravado, through contributing soul and bravado onto other's as who they are, separate from being who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not live and express my bravado because I don't think I can stand against other's.

This is the dictionary definition of bravado that I found.

'a bold manner or a show of boldness intended to impress or intimidate'

A little bit stronger than what I'm trying to get through, but still relevant.

Relevant because, why did I stand down, and not express myself, be myself, go where I was trying to go?

I didn't think I could stand up to the people around me, I was afraid of the pitfalls, even though I knew there was nothing to fear for real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear expressing myself when I know that there is no real reason to fear, and only something to gain.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel embarrassed when I express myself a certain way and don't get the response I had hoped for.

SO that's the point, to impress, I'll express, if I can impress.

Linear.

Don't dress to impress, dress to express.

It's part of life,

I want to forgive myself, I want to become someone who is worth their salt, and can support other's all done for real, in real time, without separation.

But that's not where I'm at, there's a long path, I want it to be a smooth path, I want to enjoy the ride, I want to express myself, to be and express my bravado, to not just move, but to be moving, to be in motion, to create in each moment.

There's a big dilemma when I believe that self expression only exist in dancing.

That song by the Killers has the lyrics, "are we human, or are we dancer?"

I've separated myself from my soul, my movement, my expression, I'm missing all the moments I have to express myself to the fullest, because I have reached a point where I only see expression outside of myself to the degree I would like to poses.

I can see what happened in my past in suppression, and behavior, and agenda and all kinds of things over time, but I cannot put it into words.

For right now, all I can articulate is that, you do not have to be dancing to be able to 'be a dancer'

Are we human, or are we dancer?

To express, to create, to be infinity, is in each moment, not just in dancing.

That's the first step, to taking back my creative thunder, my reign, my self expression.

A small, but satisfying step.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept that this person is what I see in them, and I am not what I see in them, through comparison as judgement, as being cool.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand for less then what I want for myself as my expression, because I don't believe I am cool enough.

So who is cool enough?

Jesus Christ on roller blades.

A commander of people, a messiah, someone without doubt, without question, someone who leads the masses, and roller blades because that's smooth, they say Jesus Christ walked on water, how smooth is that? He didn't need roller blades to begin with.

Not cool enough, because It's not cool, to be cool alone, other people have to know.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pend my self expression on the recognition of other's.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being cool and expressing myself to my fullest desire and potential without it being recognized.

The flaw there is that, if my fullest expression needs to be recognized, my fullest expression is to be recognized.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to need recognition outside of myself, where I could have made things simpler and more effective by simply giving myself the recognition required, the ignition, the trigger, to see and to conquer.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

veni, vidi, vici.

That's some bravado. I came, I saw, I conquered.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself being limited to requiring to sing or to dance in order to be able to express and create myself to my fullest desire and intent, as I realize that the value I'm placing on dancing and singing, is a program that I've created, as a means of isolating expression, as apposed to fulfilling and expressing expressions, so to express my bravado my soul, I need to stop seeing it as separate from who I am in each breathe, in any situation dancing or not dancing.

Day 115- Game of Pedals

For me one of the most difficult things about dating is the lack of control.

There's no controling a relationship.

Only controling your part of the relationship.

There's no making people like you.

You have to like yourself, and people are drawn to that, but when done for real, you don't need to be liked by the person who likes or is interested in you, because you already like yourself.

Dating and relationships are just natural and fluid.

The only way to improve is to diffuse the positive/negative contractions.

The contract.

The contrast.

Maybe spend time with a girl and I hope she is interested in me, but either she is or she isn't, so what do I do, but enjoy the time I have with her, in whatever way I have, that's the best way to enjoy the relationship and potentially develop it mutually.

Simple, what stands in the way, the fear of the relationship not developing, and then the loss.

The fear of losing what might not be there, the fear of the truth of someone else's interest in you, not being what you feel for them.

What's the answer?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear someone else not reciprocating my feelings of interest or affection toward them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear appearing weak to others for not succeeding in my pursuit of a certain relationship with someone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as having failed in not convincing or persuading someone else to become interested in dating me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad when I fail to be someone who the person I like would like me back.

If relationships are winning and losing, then it's just a game. Games can be fun, but I don't want my relationships to be a game.

I want a serious relationship with a girl, the only way to achieve that is to stop making it a game of feelings and emotions.

Sometimes relationships feel good or feel bad, and sometimes that's what I make, I can't blame anyone else for that, because that's my responsability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope that the girl I like will like me back.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to constrict myself within the good feeling of hope, which is part of the gamble of winning, where my hope either pays off where I feel great for winning because she likes me, or I feel worse then ever because my hope was failed.

The game of flower peddles, you pull the pedals and, 'she loves me', 'she loves me not' ,'she loves me'...'she loves me not'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to risk going into depression, where I play the game of hope and risk, where I put my heart on the line, in hopes of success, but depression if I lose.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put my heart on the line, expecting that to be reciprocated.

Then what's happens? She likes me enough to put her heart on the line as well? And she likes me enough to lead me on, to lie, to make me feel better.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry that someone would lead me on, to make me happy, when they didn't feel the way I felt for them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame someone else for feeling for me, when I'm the one who put my heart on the line and knew the risk.

Why would anyone want more risk in their life? Desperation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so desperate for a relationship to improve my life, that I would risk my life getting worse through disaster as reacting when things don't pan out.

'Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?'

'I stole the cookie from the cookie jar...'

The relationship always comes back to the individual participants.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define who I am in my relationships based on strings of relationships of me hoping this will be the one, and failing, because the risk wasn't worth it, even if she was the one.

If she was the one, I would not risk myself for her, that's not what 'the one' would want.

If she was the one she would want me to support myself, to be happy, to be stable, to live my life, to live a life to be enjoied for all.

To stop the risk, to stop risking my heart on the hope that she feels the way I do, because maybe this will be it, to repent for all past transgressions

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself hoping that the girl I like will feel the same way about me, as I realize myself as not wanting to create a relationship of risk, where I risk the downside of my hope if it fails, and as I realize myself as beginning to forgive myself for creating this construct which serves no purpose to begin with as making relationships a game of feelings.

Day 114- Breathing for Fun

Breathing should be the most basic and simple human task, the very first task every human being is given.

Today I realized that I breathe differently when there is not much happening in my life.

I find myself willing myself and pushing myself to breathe more when there is stress and anxiety and things to worry about.

When everything is 'normal', and repetitive, I become complacent, as represented in my indifference to applying myself within my breathing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to breathe in self direction though self awareness as breathe only when I have something to move past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not apply myself within breathe when I have nothing to directly apply myself within.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself as being a living being which always has a way and a reason to apply myself within breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only apply myself within breathe when I'm under pressure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in not applying myself as breathing when I'm not under pressure, attract pressure and anxiety to my world, as thus creating a reason and purpose to breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my reason and purpose within self movement as breathing to be getting past anxiety and stress and worry.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a narrow sighted vision of what I can be and accomplish through breathe.

What can I be in breathe?

I could have fun?

That would be nice.

Have fun at work, at school, while writing, while eating, while driving.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have fun in each breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit my breathing to getting past certain obstacles, with no direction, except to wait for more problems to get past in breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait for more problems to give me a reason to breathe in self movement and self awareness, when I could give myself instead the direction and assertion to have fun, instead of waiting for more problems to arise.

This is very uncharted territory because I'm so used to always having huge overlayed stress and anxiety and some big scary thing orbiting me, but lately everything seems to be more perfect and aligned then ever, so in turn my breathing is part of my awareness, thus part of how I've become aware of what's happened.

I love games, I love enjoying and creating and all while simultaneously working and doing good things and supportive things, having fun is like the topping on the cake. It's another layer to things.

Why and how I have lived a life that has been me just surviving, where through self awareness as breathe I am able to identify how my life has consisted of me just getting past emotion anxieties related to certain people or events, just to walk right into another stress or worry or anxiety the next moment or day.

So I want to embrace a new purpose, once I've gotten past all the stress and anxiety, as I have been feeling lately, I can just have fun, and to stay that way I need to investigate more into how things like that come about, when my purpose is to get past anxiety and stress, only to create even more of it, making fun something that I find only through separation as binging or getting high, having fun only when I can truly forget my self inflicted pain.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself not having or finding a purpose within my breathe, because I cannot find any stress or anxiety that stands out enough for me to breathe through and direct, as I realize myself as always wanting to improve and direct myself to my fullest extent at all times, and so give to myself the new purpose of having fun as the directive principle when I don't have anxiety or stress to breathe through.

I have a lot of experience
with trying to create and manipulate and abuse through breathing and it's relationship to the mind and energy and all kinds of things, but through this self forgiveness in breaking down things in self honesty and self realization, I can actually comprehensively see how I might apply this idea of having fun for real.

And if not, that's how you learn, so I will try to breathe for fun when I'm not breathing to support myself during stress and anxiety.

See how it goes.

Day 113- Media as a Break from Work.

How can so much occur in a single day within myself, and I find I'm unable to pinpoint a single thing to be improved.

I look at how I'd want to improve my life to make things smoother and more enjoyable, more disciplined, more meaningful.

How can I have none of these areas to improve on? That nothing stands out.

I get home from work and I just want to tune out, and call it a night, I tell myself that I understand this phenomena and how to deal with it, but I don't have any idea what's going on, and can hardly will myself to even write, and then willfully ignore any progress I could make within myself through writing in place to just watch videos and play games more.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be self honest about my relationship to media and entertainment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to convince myself I'm making progress when I'm not addressing that there is a problem to be resolved in self honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself I'm getting better in relationship to how I dictate my time in relationship to media/entertainment when I'm not even addressing my relationship in a real nor comprehensive way, so am just excusing myself to do whatever I want, in the name of being 'progressive'.

Like everything is justifiable because it is a learning experience, when I don't find that to be tolerable based on certain experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be complacent in how much I'm willing to work on and improve within myself in a single day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say 'that's enough for today' as surrendering to the burdens of the day.

If that's enough for one day, there was burden and resistance, there's more work to be done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand down to burden.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to burden myself with standing down, and letting my problems roll over me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by needing a certain amount of time away from my problems through media consumption.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to alleviate my burdens with media consumption, as putting myself into a state of blindness to my relationship to my real world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be blind to my problems and responsabilites while consuming media, as a means of escapism.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not remain aware of my responsibilities and relationships, even while consuming media.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame media for distracting me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an excuse for why I utilize media as manipulation to avoid my problems, through blame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame society for creating and consuming products that distract from the best interest of all of life equally, when in doing so I am actually distracting myself from how I am equally creating the consumer culture.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge consuming media as a bad thing, and in doing so, not recognizing how it can be done and used responsibly.

So, I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself blaming media for  distracting me, and causing me to not accomplish much or as much as I might like to, as I realize how I create and participate in my relationship to media without blame, as I see how it is actually formed, and then can be in a position to more responsibly utilize or not utilize different media's of entertainment/ information.