I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tolerate me haunting myself with memories of things I've said or done in the past which I have judged within regret.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to harbor regret within relationship to things I've said or done in the past, which are then repeated through haunting visions as memories, on repeat, until repented for.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my actions as being unrepeatable, and as such replayed as cringe memories, of things that were weird or embarrassing that I'm not comfortable with having done or said.
My memories are mostly haunted with things I'm not comfortable with.
Maybe even the majority of the things I remember.
I'd say at this moment in time, I don't remember anything on a regular basis unless it's something important to remember like a chore or a task, or something I'm not comfortable with.
I don't remember good times or bad times, just embarrassing cringey memories that I don't want to be associated with.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be uncomfortable with myself as defining myself by past as memories as recalling certain interactions I've had within my world where I judge myself as awkward or naïve or embarrassing.
Ghosts of my past.
It's weird that that's what I remember, on a day to day basis, I'm regularly haunted by memories of things I wish I hadn't said or done, because I'm embarrassed or not comfortable with having said or done them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not let myself change from the past, by holding onto the past as awkward uncomfortable memories.
Sometimes I find myself trying to assert myself as being confidence or controlled or interesting, like I'm fighting uphill against my own past as my shadow.
A handful of awkward or uncomfortable moments isn't that bad in terms of skeletons in the closet, but it's the only thing I have apparently to really haunt me, and so I really chew it up, I could pull dozens of dozens of moments and interactions with people where I said or did something that I just instantly regretted. To the point of being very self conscience, in just the act of walking past or being around someone I would and still do find myself seeing lots of things and interactions going on, because I'm so queued in on how I look to other people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret doing and saying awkward things.
What is awkward or uncomfortable?
Saying something that sounded dumb, or on the other end, as full of myself, like I thought I knew it all, but then got put in my place, and felt embarrassed.
In social interactions, like if you were to speak with someone as if they were your friend, only to realize they aren't fond of you, and then you feel dumb.
Social interactions were much higher pressure, higher stakes when I was younger.
When you're nervous or under pressure it's easier to make mistakes.
But what is the mistake? To be perceived a certain way.
I don't want to be seen as lame or uncool.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret doing things that make me seem uncool to other people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with embarassement when I've done something that seems uncool or unacceptable by other's.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to defend my right to be influenced by other's so that I can thus influence other's.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to influence myself to behave a certain way, so that I can have control in social situations, instead of having to be my own man.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define going along with what other's are doing as being my own man, so that I don't have to face in self honesty that I am not a self directed person.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the responsibility of being self directed, and thus give into being influenced within myself to behave a certain way as seeming accepted or tolerable or cool, and thus when I fail, I'm a failure, and I regret having failed, and am embarrassed and uncomfortable, and am forced to confront who I really am, as what I've given away of myself.
I didn't want anyone to know that I have given myself away, to attention, or acknowledgement, or those kinds of social constructs. But it doesn't matter, because you just give up on social integration all together, unless required.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is nothing to stand up for within and as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose the ability to stand up for life.
It's like in horror movies where the ghost is trying to communicate that you have to do something like find their killer and bring them to justice type situation.
One part is letting go of what people think.
Another is being directive without needing to be influenced.
Another is not regretting what was, so that I can move forward.
There's also the positive and negative, where I feel good and am satisfied when someone likes me or gives me recognition, and feel bad or embarrassed when I've failed or disappointed someone.
I just want to start with the regret for now, because it's got the most bite, I will physically twitch, cringe, or sometimes growl or yell when these memories appear in my mind, that's the extent of how I've caged myself into this idea that I must not fail and relive these memories, yet in reacting to them with regret in real time when they come up, I'm reliving them without even having to be around anyone else, so that I physically become encumbered or will growl or yell to make these thoughts go away, implies they need immediate attention, but that goes to show for any number of things, and there is only so much time out side of work and other responsibilities, that it's important to key in on what's the most significant or relevant point to walk on any give day.
I want to address that little aspect of those cringy uncomfortable memories, and see if I can get my foot in the door, so that these moments aren't so over whelming and I don't feel like I'm reliving the emotions all over again, by stopping fueling them.
I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself responding to memories of things I've defined as being cringy or awkward or where I did not come across the way I wish I had to other people, as I realize myself as responsible for myself, and realize what other's think of me or my actions is irrelevant, as I'm the one creating my actions and myself, so in cutting out the reaction's which can be regret or guilt or shame, I can then see how I've been the one judging myself all along, and it had nothing to do with anyone else, and in breaking down with more specificity things like shame or guilt or regret, I can further my self development, as furthering my relationship with myself, and severing my relationship to the things that distract me from what's really going on in the world.
Another thing I realized is how I'm resistant to memories because of memories like these taking the forefront, but by diffusing these uncomfortable memories, I'm already starting to look into my past with more confidence, more direction, not influenced to the same extent that I was by breaking some blockage down for myself.
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