Day 111- Redefining Silence

The reason I have to write and speak self forgiveness is because I tried to find silence from everything moving within me for years on my own, in my mind, and failed.

To me silence is peace, tranquility, where nothing moves me, but myself.

Silence is perfection to me.

That's what silence represents to me, but what I lived for several years trying to walk the process of silence through my mind through energy was the opposite.

My current definition of silence is something you achieve through meditation in motion in energy in living through the mind.

Me trying to achieve silence through my current definition has not only misguided me, and been misguided, it has put my life at risk though my participation with different substances, utilized to result in different highs which create the experience of silence for just a moment.

My use of tobacco, to create just a moment of silence.

The moment of silence before the pledge of allegiance to the flag.

The silence in morning the deceased.

The right to remain silent.

I define silence as holding onto a moment, in hopes that it might stretch out for eternity.

I want to define silence not as holding on, but letting go.

That's why I have to write self forgiveness, because I'm desperate for solace and solitude.

And the reality of my current definition of silence has grown to volatile to be ignored.

The world right now is getting louder and louder, more compacted, more separate from the silence in simplicity and nature.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my true nature as silence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create thunder where silence should be when I'm allowing myself to be haunted by fear of what might happen, of what's to come.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create thunder through resistance to who I am, where I try to hold onto what is separate from myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from silence as letting go when I try to achieve silence through control.

To predict, plan, preemptive, precalculated, prepare, presume.

I try to control what I cannot control, and the result is friction, and silence is lost.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the vulnerability of letting go of control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of control when through trying to control my life through systems and manipulation, I lost everything I had built up to begin with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the silence in servitude, to work, and live, and build for a purpose, for a reason.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find silence in vanity, where I can consider my own personal agenda and interest, where this falls through because it's not aligned with who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not find silence in patience as knowing who I am, where I'm going, and how I'll get there.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create friction where I refuse to stand for life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear giving up everything to stand for what's best for all of life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist standing for what's best for all of life as one and equal, when it's the only way to get to where I'd like to be, as where I'd like everyone to be, the silence in knowing without question, the silence in action without resentment.

I commit myself to create in each breathe the silence before death, to see my whole life without regret, to see who I am without doubt, to live for the only purpose on earth, to create a better life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the silence in discipline, in self direction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define silence as a way out of self responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define silence as achievable by force and manipulation.

There's silence in the dead end.

Silence at the end of the road, where you have to stop and think about what's next, how to proceed.

I commit myself to apply my new definition
of silence in each moment, as realizing silence as letting go, not as holding on.