Being able to predict the big events in life, would mean I could navigate knowing better the results of my decisions.
I don't know if it is possible to be clairvoyant or not, I don't know if things are predictable, or actually set in stone, but really the idea of clairvoyance comes down to control.
To be able to control outcomes through predictions.
In hopes of avoiding explosive, fatal, or even just unpreferable or unwanted consequences or situations.
I've tried to run from my creation, to overpower, to change, to run as far away as I can, but I have nowhere left to run, unless I tried to be Clairvoyant and then maybe I could avoid certain things for a while longer, to keep the flame going, or not going, but I'm not in the mood for that today.
I don't want to run away today, I want to face whatever will happen to me head on, and whatever I can do will be done, but whatever happens outside of my volition, has to be let go.
I don't have the energy left to run any longer.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spend all my energy predicting events and occurrences to be prepared and able to avoid certain situations and encounters, instead of just spending that energy to forgive the misalignment and allow myself to carry on as usual.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have to go to the rock bottom pit of paranoia and inability to face reality until I'm emotionally and physically drained, before I simply realize I need to be self honest and just address the issue/concern for what it is.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make my living and application convoluted with pointless theories and predictions and numbers about what may or may not happen and how to address it, instead of just addressing for real in self forgiveness, the only way I know how.
Sometimes it might be good to think and run the numbers, but to the point and extent which I'm draining my physical body and am having constant anxiety about basically anything or anyone, to the point of nonsense and imagination and fabrications of false realities, it makes me want to go to bed.
In going to bed I can just shut everything off, and actually wake up and face my day unscathed.
Or at least give me some time where I'm not thinking about everything.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make any situation so grave that the first course of action should not be self forgiveness and self honesty if possible.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my problems and issues with such magnitude that I become instantly possessed, and instantly deflect self honesty and fall back on bad habits and ways of facing my reality, where I automatically accept that things are bad, and I'm going to just surrender.
I'm trying to predict, and control, and imagine all these different cases and scenarios of what could occur in my reality, but I've already given up.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make things out to be such a big deal, like they're earth shattering and must drain all of my energy and effort to be predicted prevented and postulated, when really I could just live my life, what's at the core of my mental OCD.
What if I lost a friend, lost a job, lost an animal, lost my life, lost a relationship, lost money, lost my home, lost the words to say, lost my pattern, lost my energy, lost my love life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put so much energy into trying to predict the future and what may or may not happen through imagination and thinking, instead of simply addressing that loss is part of life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place such a high value on everything, that my attachment to reality has become more precious and needing protection then actually living and working within my reality.
I value things, more than living in accordance and relationship to those things, as saying I'm here for this long and there's this thing, who am I going to be in relationship to this thing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to horde and protect my mental possessions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste all my energy trying to protect my possessions, to the point that I am my own opposition to living life, because living life isn't to posses through the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of everything.
Everything I've ever done, said, owned, imagined, created, profited, lost, experienced, perceived, loved.
Every picture, every object, every idea, every feeling, every bit of energy.
Wouldn't it be nice to let go?
Isn't it nice to forgive yourself?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find means and ways to enforce my self suffering at all ways and at all cost, as I realize my possessions through my mind, to be resulting in my suffering, yet I do anything to protect and horde my money, my name, my objects.
It's how the whole spiritual notion of the Buddah being at peace and having nothing, being rich and being all about material possession, and then there's reality, where you live and create with what you have, and it's not as black and white as Buddah with nothing or the fat cat's on wall street with everything.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to misinterpret giving up all my goods and possessions literally, instead of realizing myself as giving up my relationship to all goods and possessions, because giving up everything and sitting under a tree and feeling good, accomplished, and divine sounds so nice, yet no one in reality is capable of that life.
I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself trying to predict my reality and control my reality through preposing what may or may not occur, as I realize myself as not having to run from what is real, and what I have created, as I realize myself as taking a stand and facing what will be the best I can in real time, where I do not know if I can predict the future, but I know I've wasted too much time and energy trying, so it's better now, for me, to let go for today.
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