Day 121- Character and Expression

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as immature for acting young.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my character for having fun and being expressive, when in reality these are things that I'm directly allowing and participating and are part of my self expression and creation, not something to be attacked.

Why do I judge myself for embracing the kid in me, for embracing my youth, and cherishing my ability to live and express myself unconditionally?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with disgust at being young and playful within my expression as though these traits are dangerous, as if I must act masculine and powerful and assertive as a dominate male at all costs.

Where does that even exist?

Why do I believe I'm some kind of tribal warrior needing to show no emotion, like I'm going off to war.

Where have I ever seen the true expression of the 'man's man', the cowboy, the warrior.

A 'real man'.

They say bury your feelings, men don't cry.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embrace tribalism as the idea of the warrior man within myself without questioning why this is projected onto men and society, when there is no trace of it outside of war, and soldiers.

But soldiers seem to be kind, noble, fun loving, yet knowing when it's time to get to business, when it's time to show emotion and when not.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to idealize the idea of the man's man, when I've never seen a man's man, outside of cowboys and warriors on television.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in my loss for identity cling onto idealist concepts of masculinity which have no basis in reality, and don't represent anyone I know or have ever seen or met for real.

The real question is who am I going to be?

And why let made up ideas of the perfect alpha male man stand in my way?

I like to have fun, but I can get to work and get serious just the same.

Sometimes things are fun, and sometimes they are serious.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the moments and times in life when seriousness is required, when it's time to not fool around and get things together.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define and revolve my character around the fun moments, and in so miss out on who I am within my expression within serious moments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my expression during serious moments, because I define myself as a coward in relationship to serious moments in time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be self honest within myself when I try to act as if every moment is perfect and fun and fine, when there will always be moments when that's not the case.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with fear at the thought that serious and grim moments must be existing for fun and lighthearted moments to exist.

It's one those existential moments, 'Why love if love is just the opposite of hate.'

You take the good times with the bad times.

Is that too much to handle?

Or am I just needing to change my relationship to serious moments, to create a more equal alignment, between work and play.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to let my serious and down to business character have his day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as bad for only expressing myself through my desire to have fun and enjoy every moment and every breathe of my life, when this is perfectly valid, just as it is valid to be precise and concise and consistent and effective in each moment as the serious character would imply.

I've had moments when I've wanted to give into laughter and enjoyment so much that it gave me a head ache, where if I had been more aligned with my serious character, I would have been more efficient in knowing when to cut myself off, like, that was funny, but not as funny as I am wanting and acting like it were.

There is the character within me that is old and knows what to do, and just wants it all to get done.

It's a polarity of character that can be lived, like the colors in the color spectrum.

You may have a favorite, but know that no color is most valuable, as no way to speak, no culture, no religion, no philosophy is the one ultimate truth.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself not properly balancing my life through the different characters which I navigate and interact within my world, as I realize character as not being an end point of anything, but only a part of my creation and expression, which should reflect my breathe as one and equal, without movement of mind as energy through separation.
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