Day 118- Grumpy Monster

When I'm grumpy, I jump on and shut things down before they can bother me.

When I'm grumpy I know I'm not in the mood, and know that certain things will get me razelled up, so I can be rude, like trying to get you before you get me.

When I'm grumpy, I feel justified, because I feel like I'm just defending myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify being grumpy even though I know it is not in my best interest.

You can't blame a feral dog for biting you.

But when I'm the dog, I can't regret my actions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my mood swings get in the way of me being the person I'd like to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let the person I am at any given moment define souly on the mood I'm in.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become grumpy when I feel like I have no way to move forward, as an act of giving up, like my actions no longer matter, because I don't care at this moment, because I don't feel well.

I'm in a bad mood and I convince myself it's worth it to just be rude or hedonistic, because I've been slighted, and I should act out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to convince myself to give up in moments of trial and tribulation as being grumpy, as burning even more bridges out of spite.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be grumpy out of spite when things aren't going well, because I'm reacting out of blame of my situation onto external things.

When I'm grumpy with my mom, she is always very patient with me, and I can instantly see how I'm looking for someone or something to blame my problems on, without any real evidence or logic, it's like being childish.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret being mean or rude to people when I'm grumpy, where I'm acting as if the regret justifies what already has been done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find another way to burn bridges as regretting and judging my actions, instead of forgiving and letting go, while I still have a bridge left to stand on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my outbursts of being rude or grumpy while in a bad mood, as further indicting myself, as being no more then this grumpy character, and thus chained to it, through good times and bad times, always fighting uphill with myself.

I get fucked up in my head, in my body, in my soul, and it's like I'm on the outside looking in, I can be messed up sometimes in my thoughts and actions, that doesn't have to be a personal attack on myself or anyone, nor anyone who also has bad moods that affect their behavior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for becoming enraged or belligerent when I was a child, as I realize this judgement is what keeps me held within that behavior, however less rambunctious, still just as unjustified as ever, a cry for help that cannot be answered by the people I want to hear me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be hard to deal with where I would rather see myself being cooperative, being a good person.

I see myself as an irritable person, and I experience most of my waking time just trying to be at ease and soothe the monster inside of myself.

I'm not the person I'd like to be, and I can see the struggle I have with that everyday, why do I have to be a monster? Why do I have to struggle with who I am?

The feral animal is afraid of everything, unconditional fear, just like unconditional love.

Isn't it nice to forgive yourself?

To the monster I say, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself within the word monster, when what I really am, is something I just don't understand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge that which I do not understand out of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that which I don't understand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a bad person for being grumpy and potentially hurting people's feelings, when like they say about any wild animal, 'it's more afraid of you, than you are of it.'

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself judging myself for being rude or hateful when I am grumpy/in a bad mood, as I realize myself as judging something I don't understand, and in stopping the judgement, I put myself in a position
where I can better attune and understand what is moving within me, and can face the beast in silence.